Sunday, December 26, 2010

HoHoHum The Holidays

I made it through Christmas. Actually it was Ok. I have had a head cold for several days and it is wearing on me. I had some snacks planned for the hoildays but could barely hold up my head or not ache all over so I didn't have the gorgeous spread I planned. Better news is I'm gradually getting better or I have found the right over the counter medication to mask my symptoms.. It hasn't helped my mixed mood one bit but it helps to know the reason I have been so lazy is I have been sick lately.

I started to get into the spirit on the last minute doing so food shopping last week. I was surpised to find myself smiling at people and opening doors. Something as random as giving someone my 25 cent pay cart to someone and saying Merry Christmas made my dull mood a little better. I also called my parents and daughter yesterday to wish them a Merry Christmas. It was nice to hear their voices. I had a nice chat with everyone of them and it made me happy that they where having a nice hoilday. I miss them but had a nice time by myself. I had a nice relaxing day talking on the phone, lounging, watching t.v. and a nice turkey microwave dinner. I
also recieved some nice presents over the season. A Wii fit, sleep pants, printer with scanner, copier and fax. British comedy series and a 100 dollar Itune card. When I feel better I will try to set everything up and download my music.

I washed Daisy (Dog) yesterday . That was about the only task I got done. I strained my back pretty good. Which makes me realize I need to streghten my back muscles more as I have had trouble for many years with it but seems to go away when I do more exercise. I did relieve some pain with some cream that has some sort of aspirin in it and doing what I do best nothing. It is so sunny today and I need to get my butt out and walk the dog. I really am walking myself though as I think I need it more than the dog. One new goal is to try to get out of the house everyday and walk even a block to just get out since I'm back to hating to get out. I know logically I will feel better and it is the push I need.

I know most of my mood will change like clock work in the middle of January. It will be like a switch. I already feel a tad better with the days getting a little longer now. I couldn't of been happier when I realized yesterday it wasn't so dark at 5pm. It has been sunny also lately which is real weird for this area at this time of year. Usually, we get tons of snow at this time. I won't question it and enjoy the sun even though you can't feel the sun here in the North. Usually when the sun is out it is very cold also. It is -12 this morning but gorgeous. The sun makes the snow glitter. It makes me want to get my snow shoes and ski's out this coming week. I haven't been in the mood at all to do anything but it is coming on.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Grand Illusion

I'm still in my mixed state of crap. I really don't even know if I want to post but my brain is busy and my body isn't. I have felt like snapping lately. I'm overly bitchy and sharp. I really don't have patients of any sort at the moment for anything. I muster up some patients everyday for Daisy the puppy. I'm about to lose it fast with her also. I feel like running away. Actually, I'm great with running away from anything and anyone. I guess I have stopped running since I moved to another country. I don't have many places at the moment to run to to escape my insanity.

I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.

I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.

One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Blah, Blah

I was going to make writing more of a priority but have been living in my head more than anything lately. I have also been feeling pretty low. I even managed to get food poisoning a couple of days ago going out eating a sample of sushi. My stomach hasn't been the same in the past 3-4 days and is just gradually getting back to normal. It is just my dumb luck to do an intensive shopping and getting things done and get sick.

On a better note someone found our cat. She has been missing for three weeks now and I pretty much gave up on her. She was found yesterday in some one's garage. She was trapped in there for three weeks. The people are seasonal residents. They left a couple of weeks ago and came to blow out the driveway this week-end and found her. She looks like a total wreck. She is just skin and bones. It is truly amazing she survived. She must of ate some mice to survive. It has been so bone chilling cold at times also with temps that deep below 0,Farenhiet. Thank-god she was in a sheltered place because we have had a little over 2 feet of snow . I'm going to take her to the vet also. She is just so thin . She probably has worms also from eating something like rodents. Her ears also have a little frost bite on them and acts like she has ear mites. She is a total wreck. I was going to do it today but we have snow squalls and still need to dig out some. Our plow guy that does our driveway hasn't got to us yet. I hope he does so I don't have to blow that mess out myself.

Getting back the cat made me in a better mood. Before, I got her back I was looking high and low for just a little motivation. To get motivation you pretty much have to be inspired. I haven't had inspiration or motivation in awhile . It makes putting a plan and goals together very hard when you just exist. I'm still working on that plan. Right now it is hard enough to live and my plan at the moment consist of getting more structure together and living. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.

When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.

I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Season to Gift Card

I generally don't blog twice in a day. This is the exception. I actually feel like it, while the topic is still on my mind. I have been trying to get anything done lately. It has really depended on my mood what I get done. I really don't feel like cleaning today but had to get something done. I have felt like being on the computer today. Since, I have felt like a good computer fix , I have done all my Christmas shopping. I had a little done before but finished it today on-line. What a big difference it makes shopping on-line. No lines and better yet no rude people. I think the best thing about shopping on-line for me is keeping to a budget and not impulse shopping. I also mostly stuck to gift cards.

I'm picky about presents and don't want most things. I assume someone else rather pick out a present also. It will be the right colour, size, etc. Better yet since I have to ship everything to my family and J's the shipping and handling is free. The only actual presents I bought where also picked on-line. One was for my daughter and I did it on-line so they would ship it to her. I got an awesome deal on a Toshiba laptop, bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. I also bought some clothes for my in-laws(they don't get out). Stuff like diabetic socks,robes, sweater, pants. I had it shipped in a gift box. I had 12 people to shop for this year. I didn't put any of it on credit. I really don't want to pay interest on crap that is probably crap for the next couple of years. I spent in the neighbourhood of 1,200. I feel good about it. Best of all I won't be broke spending what I don't have. Guilt at Christmas usually gets to me and I spend more. I know it is a little impersonal but I hate spending money on things people don't like and use. I don't know the people on my list that well any more also. Most of the people on my list live clutter free also. Nothing like nick-knacks to clutter a place up or a book anymore.
My parents just ask me what to send according to how much they want to spend. I like it and if they would get me something I didn't like I would just throw it away or re gift it. I can't return things as they have different stores and return policies here. J's parents are just so old and not very mobile. They just send us a cheque for what we wanted this year. It works for me. One year, I got this god awful scarf and gave it to Goodwill. One relative gets us some theme of things every year. It isn't bad if you like what ever theme . If you hate the theme they get you the same thing till the theme runs out. They get it in their head that you actually love it even if you don't. I don't know if I'm right this year or not but I mentioned something about that movie Julia and Julia. I suppose it will be a Julia Child's themed Xmas. I hope not as I already bought her books. I have to be real careful not to mention anything so does J. I let J pick out what J wanted. It was a record player, CD, tape combo that records everything retro into CD format. Then I can reformat it into mp3's . I'm not into surprises this year. I want something we can use and be budget conscious.

After, shopping I renewed the truck tags on-line. Why wait in a line and blow gas. Nothing like sitting in line at the MOT to get me cranky. People at the moment make me cranky and grouchy. I'm still in a good mood without going to the post-office, stores, and the MOT. Plus I didn't have to use gas to do it.

Mixed Bag Of Nuts

NI trying to do my morning routine. Dogs done, coffee made and checking around the net has commenced. Now I'm blogging with my light on. I have had a massive head-ache or something for the past couple of days. The light makes the head-ache worse so when I have a head-ache I don't do the light therapy. My sleeping lately has been so messed up. Insomnia is something to behold. I have been sorting it out . I just feel so lousy up and down all night. I finally had a nice nights sleep. The things the experts say about sleep pretty right on. Also, just knowing in time I will get on a better sleep schedule is good. I caught out the caffeine in the evening also. I need to add more exercise also to get a nice deep sleep. I take nothing to sleep except the occasional melatonin supplement which works nicely for me at times. Nothing lately though except sleep depriving myself to a schedule , nice sleeping area, nothing busy at night, and I can't think right now about the others. I have also got back on my vitamin regime. I have been on it faithfully for about a week and I feel a little better. I have also started eating more well balanced meals. I know eat 4 small meals a day and try to get all my hydration also. Nutrition is so important for mental and physical health.
As for a plan , I don't have one wrote out yet. I really to be truthful don't know what I want from life. I have some basics like feeling better and things like cleaning up the place and organization. Overall though I don't know what is being realistic. I will have to divide the house up to conquer it. I know I need to get a more concrete plan but right now I'm just barely living. My concentration is shit. My head is all over the place and gradually settling down. I have a hard time staying on one task and breaking down even the smallest steps lately. I feel like a non multi-task. I was making homemade chicken strips the other night and something so easy was just making me a nervous hot mess with the dog trying to get my attention. I mumbled to Daisy the puppy , that I couldn't chew bubble gum and walk . Basically. I had to yell for J to get the puppy away from me so I could focus. I feel when I'm in this mixed mood of muck I have to communicate that I can't focus at all or I look pretty petty and grouchy. I just can't have any distractions when I'm doing something right now and have to have tunnel vison to get anything done. I'm getting things slowly done will have a plan . My head drifts so much lately and it isn't all a bad thing. When you think about so much , you don't fixate one one trivial thing or focus on something bigger. Like my cat has been missing for a week. I have now lost hope to get her back. I have done reward posters,newspaper ad, contacting the humane society, a radio lost and found on the small local radio station, looking for her and calling neighbours. I miss her but I'm not going into more of a down-ward spiral for the cat either. My mind is all over the place lately and as it shoots around like a pinball, I get glances of all the areas of my life until I turn on TV and drown it all out with dribble. Will try sometime this week to update my ramblings with something more concrete .

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It Hit Me

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.

I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Getting to know your family and friends

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends.. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can delete and change the answers. Have fun and be truthful!

'getting to know you'

1. What color are your socks right now? I don't wear socks
2. What are you listening to right now? Regis & Kelly
3. What was the last thing you ate? Plum
4. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes
5. Last person you spoke to on the phone? with a real voice :)) Mother
6. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes! i do.
7. How old are you today 37
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on tv? UFC
9. What is your favorite drink? coffee, and Dr. Pepper
10. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
11. Favorite food? Sushi
12. What is the last movie you watched? Atonement
13. Favorite day of the year? My birthday
14. How do you vent? I let it all out
15. What was your favorite toy as a child Lego's and my snoopy dog
16. What is your favorite season? Winter Skiing time.
17. Cherries or blueberries? Cheeries
18. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? yes-
19. Who is the most likely to respond? Don't Know
20. Who is least likely to respond? Don't Know
21. Living situation? I live in a house on a lake with two dogs, cat and partner.
22. When was the last time you cried? I cried last night my grandma is dying
23. What is on the floor of your closet right now? everything
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? none
25. What did you do last night? Listen to records and drink beer and cry.
What are you most afraid of? My love one's dying
27. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy - spicy hamburger
28. Favorite dog breed? Golden Retriever and Brittany
29. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
30. How many states have 3 states and one province in a different country

31. Diamonds or pearls? i don't care for either. I like silver
32. What is your favorite flower tulips

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Marching On

I have started my morning routine. I started by letting the dogs out and feeding one and waiting to feed the puppy later since she is on a schedule. I have been enjoying my coffee and my cancer sticks. Planted my butt in the computer chair with my SAD lamp. I also have been enjoying my solitude in the morning. I love having my own time alone and it is great. I can do what ever I like. I'm listening to music and enjoying the 80's on XM.

It is a new day and I already feel better about J for a fleeting moment. I remind my self that I have to accept somethings about J. We all have our moments and the things I can't accept like the lack of her doing anything. If it is important to me , it falls on my lap. The more that I have been thinking is that, I need more space. I will get it when ski season approaches. I will go to the local cross country ski club by myself for a breather. I was thinking last night I need to blow off some steam as I'm getting to my boiling point. I need to exercise more and do less picking up. I will take a walk today and get some things done to escape. Anger is real good as a motivator to get things done. Then I will escape in the book I'm reading. I found a real good series. It is the Sookie Stackhouse series that they made True Blood into.

On a better note I started my x-mas shopping. I ordered my daughter a laptop, carrying bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. Now eleven gifts to go for the other people on my list. At least I have it in my head what everyone is going to get and it is budgeted out. I really don't like Christmas btw. I could be happy if it never happened . I feel the Holiday season is over rated and is very stressful with unrealistic expectations. I'm just happy I can celebrate it at home without anyone except J. It is less stressful that way. I don't even know if I will decorate this year. Call me the Grinch.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I'm feeling a little low today and exhausted. My body has said enough of trying to get things done. My muscles growl with pain. I have been pretty busy trying to do the last touchs of winterizing and getting some more clutter out of the house. It is like I'm doing spring cleaning in the winter. My shoulder has hurt pretty good for about a week now and hopefully it will get a little better with the rest. It has been one ailment after another for the past month. Flu, cold, upper respotory infection and bummed shoulder. It truly is wearing on me mentally. I have felt more vulnable today and useless when this whiny mood sits in with me. I really don't get much help around the house and it leaves me angry and resentful. Sometimes, it feels like I'm married to a child. It probaly is just me being overly senstive today and overly everything. I would really love to just not have to tell J to do anything and for her to take the intutive to do it . Thats means anything that needs to get done and also cook when I don't feel like it. I barely bitch about J because it could be endless at time. Anymore, I feel pretty lonely in this relationship and the less depressed I get the more I notice. I thought I would just vent a little as I'm less than happy at the moment

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder)

I thought I would blog while I was doing my light lamp for SAD. The lamp I have is called lamp book elite. The doctor recommended it . I have feel in love with it as it is portable and small. I could even travel with it if I wanted to. I have been using it for about a month and have seen results. The results where slow at first but build over a period of time. Sometimes, I have had to use it two times a day to get optimal results. This time of year in Ontario is dismil and the days are real short. The lack of light causes my mood to spiral into a dark place . It causes me to hardly do anything and that also means take care of myself. Much less any house work.
With the lamp and taking vitamins , I'm gradually becoming myself again and tackling the real messes in this house . Feeling better also means I'm eating healthier meals and taking care of my self. Which is all hard to do when your extremely depressed. I even find myself running with the puppy lately. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I'm when I'm depressed . I'm generally a active , fun person. It is something when your personality is coloured so badly with a mood. I'm just happy that I'm digging myself out of my hole. I will try to expound on getting better because this is just the start of my recovery from depression and SAD.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Facebook is a different type of beast

I feel pretty quiet lately so I was thinking about what to write. I was looking at my stats on blogger the other day and it told me that the most googled thing about my blog was facebook. I have a entry about facebook defriending. So, I thought I would write about facebook today and about the divison of people that make up my facebook. They are such diverse people. I would assume a lot of people probaly have these type of people also. I have one group of friends that don't do anything else on facebook except play endless games such as farmville, mafia wars and fish something. Tons of games. I'm not bothered by it as I have blocked most of these invites. To be honest I do play two applications but it doesn't consume me. Then I have the political advocate facebook friend that gets so excited about anything political. They seem to breath politics. I used to be a political junkie but I'm pretty apathetic anymore and really don't give a crap about this cause or that one. I do stay informed though. I have friends from both political parties in the states. Like you can only imagine they differ so much on beliefs. I have even seen fighting in some of the threads they have. Interesting indeed. I also have the group of people that are just family. I would have to say this is the most awkward group as I have a couple that embarrass me a little with some of the things they put on my wall. Most of my family don't share some of the same beliefs I do and I just don't want to argue with them. But as a group they are great. They get to see my pictures I post and it seems to help them keep up on my life.
Then there is a few that I have came into contact with over games, blogging, past life, etc. They seem to be my favorite. My friends by choice.
The other thing I have observed is most people don't comment on anything on facebook or very rare. I don't know what the problem is on my facebook. Sometimes, I think is my status update is not interesting enough to start a conversation? The times I do I think of possible one person that ruins it and people don't want to comment because of her antics. Then I was told most people are lurkers and don't really care. I do know I don't comment on a lot of stuff either do to mood or whatever but I do try to be involved . Facebook is adifferent type of beast anymore with many factors for many people and why they do use it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Back Into The Light

I fill like I have not wrote for a very long time. I have had so much going on in the past three weeks. Some exciting and some stuff not so exciting. I have been sick with something for about the whole time or it seems like it anyway. I have had the flu , cold and some sinus thing going on. I even managed to lose my voice. My mood stays still for the most part. I started a SAD light several weeks ago. I think without it I would even be more depressed than I'm.
Last Friday we got our puppy Daisy. She is a English Golden Retriever. She is 8 weeks old and just full of beans. She is also a very big girl for her age as she already weighs a little over 13lbs. She isn't fat but just BIG for her age. Which means she is into everything. I have been so exhausted since last Friday. I'm just starting to get settled into some sort of routine. We also put a collar on her. She is on a leash going out. For three days she was not on a leash and was like a pinball in the yard. I could hardly catch her she is super fast. We have no physical fence and she can get up to no good real fast. I even twisted my ankle chasing her so she wouldn't go into the swamp. It is a tad cold here right now and didn't want to fish a puppy out of the cold muck.
Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Part of it is I put everything off till the last minute. I have had tons of things to do around the house and outside and none of it gets done when it should. I was slowly trudging away last week until we got Daisy. Then exhaustion took over. If I could ever get over being sick I think it would help so much.
It is suppose to be sunny for the rest of the week even though it will be cold. I hope I will be able to pick up some final mess out side. It doesn't help that we lived outside this summer and have so much junk. We did finally get the camper put down and winterized. I was using the camper to store all my clothes junk. I still have tons of clothes to wade through stacked nicely in a huge pile in the studio. The work is never ending and I don't know when it will be ever organized as I have lived here full time for almost 2 years. It is way more manageable in some ways though. We both need to get rid of a mound of possessions. Mine are mostly in storage except my mounds of clothes.
I will be blogging more as I'm starting to feel better.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Beat Goes On

I woke up about an hour ago and I have been checking different social media and catching up on blogs. It has been a whirlwind past couple of days and I'm tired. We have been out of town taking care of J's elderly parents. J's parents are 90. J's mother has Senile Dementia and her father has a hard time getting around. They need to be in a nursing home but won't go. I voice my concerns to J and bite my tongue in front of my in-laws. We took H the mother to get her hair done since it hasn't been done in months and she looked like a homeless person. She ended up in a panic attack at first and didn't want to go. After, we loaded her in the truck she stopped and went calmly and got her hair done. We also did all their shopping and misc around the house. For three days we where consumed by them except at night. The motel had a bar and we went there every night having three drinks until the last night. I was at my wits end and just got roaring drunk. I haven't been drunk in awhile. It made the 5 hour drive home horrible. The drinking has made my mood dull. I really need to come up with something else than drinking when we have to go to Cambridge. One good thing is I haven't much thought about my life in the past couple of days.

I have so much to do before it snows or hits November. I'm still in the process of winterizing. When the sun is up it is helpful with my mood but it is predicted to rain all next week which is going to be interesting. October is an interesting month for my mood as it is changing like the colours on the trees and blowing all over the place like the wind that cleans the tree's to a barren state. I'm hoping my mood won't bottom out next month. With the grey bare ground and bare trees where it looks like death . My mood gets flat and dead also. It is nice to know what my mood is going to do but it is also sad to know also that I will be so flat . I will try different things but it won't help that much.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Angry Ramblings

I'm on a roll lately keeping this blog updated with my ramblings. I have so many lately. I hate to admit this but I'm still angry from yesterday. Part of it is mood. Part of it is things like what happened at the dealership happen so much where I live , it upsets me. Part of it is that I view J with no backbone as this is not a random incident at this place and the list goes on. Another big part of it is that it wasted my day. I was so caught up with my anger that I forgot to do many of the things I needed to do. My number one pet peeve is not being on time or anything time related. You could almost say I'm OCD about time and if you want to make me over the top mad waste my time, don't be on time or anything that has to do about wasting my time. I find it to be very disrepectful. I'm a very punctucal person always showing up on time . I'm actually early every where I go because I fear not being on time. Anything, time related gives me anxiety. Not a little either. I have tried to overcome my rigid time rules but nothing has worked and frankly I think being on time with anything is a good thing. Better yet if you can't be on time , be honest about it and I can rearrange what ever comes up. I'm not a total time nazi and when a person is honest about why they can't be on time or what the hold up is I can accept it.

I have a lot of time on my hands any more. The thing lately is my time isn't used wisely. I have been trying to be more structured lately and my time matters a ton. I'm working as fast as I can not to have the other shoe fall off and be mental for about three months. I'm going to try to get over my anger today. I need to get over it to be productive. I will probaly have to do something like more yard work to get out some of the energy the anger has build up.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Worst Ford Dealership

I'm fuming mad. We took the truck into the dealership today in Parry Sound. They only have one. They are so inept. The times they quote to get anything done is so beyond anything I have ever experienced. We took the truck in a 1pm and got it back around 3:30pm. Just to check the brakes, and do a oil change. Oh they where suppose to do a tune-up but they said it didn't need one. Weird to me because in the service schedule it says it needs one. What ever it is the squeals still squeals and they where suppose to take care of that and didn't. I thought the economy was in a recession and this dealership will let your vechile go to shit before they catch it. It has to jump out and bite them on the ass. I seen the parts manager barely able to operate a computer. J has been doing business with this dealership for 35 years and doesn't know what has happened. A oil change cost 80.00 in the states the same service cost around 24.00. If it where my truck I would never subject it to the local rubes that operate the place. They do shitty work and won't even do the work you order on it. I could say many mean things about the staff but I will refrain and stick to the subject of how fucked up the service and repairs are. I'm really pissed they didn't fix what needed to be fixed and wasted my time. I have tons of shit to do and not staying in the horrid town doing shit like looking at what they claim to be local art and trolling the local book store that has nothing in it except a small section of books and Canadian artist. I can get the same books on-line for half the price and a better selection. It amazes me that any of the shops stay in business as I won't pay the high prices for tourist crap and shitty service. I shop out of town and order off the net. I won't give my money to many local business because they are so crappy when it comes to product and service. I could go on and on but it only makes me rant more.
If J keeps taking the truck there she will have to do it herself and I will loose all respect for her. As, they take advantage and don't deserve her patronage.

Season Change...Mood Change

I can feel autumn in the air. The pretty colours of the trees are bright. Yellows, reds, gold and burgundy light up the landscape. It has been nice and sunny lately. Every wonderful fall something happens that isn't so wonderful. My mood changes and not for the better. My mood picks up to only drop into a nasty vicious mixed mood. I'm not mixed at the moment but I know it will come by November and stay until about Januarary. My moods are highly predicatable but not the severity.

I try to busy myself waiting for the other shoe to drop off . I know I will be paralyzed with depression and mania. I plan for this mood and try to take the burden off some of the things I have to do. It isn't working like I want it to at the moment as I'm so scattered. I try to get things done anyway. I prepare for the winter and also as I prepare for the winter I prepare for things to come such as becoming a hermit for months and not wanting to get out. I'm hoping to possible get my SAD light next week. If it doesn't come through I will buy one as I don't want to suffer the light changes that make my moods worse. I have already started on my vitamin D and a complex B vitamin to give me some natural energy as my energy is a flip of a coin on any given day. I really need to start my exercise back up also. I have been trying to be real structured as it is real important bracing for the blackness that I experiance. All, the little things count . I tell myself that anyway. Just like seasons come and go . I know my moods come and go also.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

House Cleaning Fairy

I need a house cleaning fairy. I have a ton of crap to do before winter. I don't have much time as winter will be knocking at the door very soon. I have a way of doing what I want than what needs to be actually done. Yesterday, I bought more tulips since the ones I planted last year came out so good. Some of the tulips and bulbs I bought are Canadian Liberators, Lover's Blend tulips, Muscari, Dark Eyes, Crocous, and more daffodils. The lover's blend is a colour blend of purples and pinks with white in them. They look so pretty. The Canadian Liberators are red and I have a story from last year about them in this blog around the same time last year. Flowers are something simple that make me happy. Yesterday, when I mowed and groomed the area where I would be planting them. I found out I couldn't find my little shovel. I looked everywhere. I gave up and will just buy another one today. I usually put my stuff up. I have been so scattered lately it could be right in front of me and bite me in the ass . I have not been grounded at all and it feels like my head isn't attached. I really need to screw it back on and be a little more grounded to get what I need to around here. I put a little dent in winterizing yesterday. I had a ton of errands to do also. It might have not been the best thing to take a little vacation last week. I have so much to get done and left the house looking like it exploded before we left. I did however finally get everything unpacked and put away. I didn't get around to it for about three days. Mood permeanting I'm generally some what organized. When my mood is a little off, I guessing a little hypo moving into manic. I'm a wreck. I can't connect the dots or remember where I put anything. The concentration isn't there. I work harder at everything I do. Minial task are easy enough to do but I need more complex task done like tackling some of the organzitational problems in this house at the moment.

We are getting another puppy at the end of the month. Her name is Daisy and she is an English Golden Retriever. She is what is pressing me to get things put up. Or she will probaly chew the hell out of them. I have already pulled out the crate to set it up when I get more room in the kitchen . I just have to move some stuff around. I also found out the dog gate is a mess and will need to be rebuilt or I will have to buy something else. I know less stress and order is needed when getting a new puppy and I'm working hard at getting things a little better.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Traveling tips on how to be cheap.

I have been traveling since last Saturday. I thought I would blog about how to make traveling more comfortable and affordable. One of the things I do is bring food along for a road trip. I mostly bring things that will stand up well. I have took with this trip noodle cups, trail mix, assorted fruit, muffins, goldfish, cajun mix, almonds, all sorts of assorted cheeses ,salami and crackers. I have a little cooler for the cheeses and drinks. I always buy my own drinks before traveling as drinks can add up. I also try not to buy any booze in a lounge as that also adds up also. I bring my own. I also don't like the coffee the hotels or motels provide. I bring a coffee press. I bought mine from Starbucks and it has paid for its self. I bring my own canister of coffee so I can measure it out and get the strenght of coffee that is suitable for me. I don't like weak coffee. I boil the water in a hot pot. Basically it is like a electric kettle. I also make instant soups and noodles with it for lunch or a light dinner. I can also make a nice pot of tea if I want to. If a place doesn't offer free breakfast which is rare if they don't I have made my own. The hot pot will also boil eggs. I usually have that with a muffin. I buy a box of 9 muffins at walmart for about 6 bucks. They are huge. Remember though if they factor in extras such as breakfast you are paying extra for that room. Every little fancy thing or what you think is a freebie is factored in to the price of a room. That is why I loved the Motel 6 in the states traveling. It is no frills and totally stripped down. Every one I have been to has been very clean but with no perks . The perk is the cheap price one saves. Another thing is take advantage of all the travel sights in making a reservation. Tonight's stay is booked as that is the only place where we have stayed in a bigger city with chain hotels and motels. Most of this trip is just been picking places at random and availability as it is more remote and they don't advertise. One motel was the only motel . Guess what they can charge what they want in the middle of no where. It was nice enough but not worth the price. It was the most uncomfortable place I have stayed in awhile. It was very pretty but very unpractical with log furniture. I about needed a back adjustment in the next city. So all the divas out there pretty isn't always comfortable . In the good old days you could check out a room before you paid for it. Some are still like that and I wish I would of checked it out before we paid. My back is shot now and probably will be like that for about 2 more weeks or a sports medicine massage. See, I could of saved myself the agony by checking out the room.
Also, if you have to buy something do it at a real store and not a quicky mart or a gas station. I had to go to the mall the other day because I forgot the charger for my ipod. I found one on sale at The Source. Truck Stop stuff is of low quality usely and will damage your cell phones or other devices by trying to save a buck or two. That brings me to another point don't forget things at home. Make a list and check it off. Organization will save you much money.
The things I have done have been pretty cheap if not free. My whole trip has been viewing the scenery. Every year we get a parks pass. We have been to many parks this trip. Generally, a parks pass will pay for it's self . Also, a day pass will cover all the parks in a day for Ontario. Parks are fun. I ride a bike so a day of bicycling is fun and just about free. I also hike and do photography. You will get the best pictures in a Park up north and many hiking trails also.
Always read the hotels or motels little book they put together of the facility. It will tell you of the local attractions. I looked in the book and it told me about a local wild fowl viewing platform that was by the motel. It is free to look at birds and fun. it also told me about local hiking trails and other things. The book and brochures are valuable. So is looking at the phone book. It will tell you where to order food cheaper than the places the hotel and motel advertise. It will also tell you who deliverers food and what is available. It is cheaper to decide where to eat after you know what exist than blowing gas and dining on impulse. Which brings me to another thing if you don't bring things for a sandwich , Subway is pretty cheap and more low cal than most places.
Travelling can be cheaper or more expensive . It really depends on what you want and what your lifestyle is.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Cat Chewed My Power Adapter

I have been on a much needed break. I have been traveling up North in Ontario. It has been so relaxing. The fall colours are wonderful. So many trees with orange, yellow, gold and red. Mixed in with the pines. I have stayed right on the north channel of Lake Huron and discovered the cat chewed my power adapter for my laptop. It wouldn't of been so bad but that was the first night of the trip. Drove a little farther and have no cell phone coverage . It has been a total dead zone for about 150 miles of our trip which is really the core of my trip to some of Lake Superior. Lake Superior is gorgeous this time of year or any time of year for that matter. It is very hilly cliffs and water like an ocean. It is pretty rugged scenerary. It is also very rural with towns very far apart. I was surpised at all the places we have been that has offered wifi in the motels. Most get it through satelitte but the speed is awesome. Even though we have been in a dead zone for cell coverage. I will blog later about the perils of my trip.
Just before I left for the trip my uncle died. It is sad but I have been handling it. My biggest fear was about my daughter and yesterday I found out she doesn't have cancer. I have had like cement blocks lifted off me. It has been a very stressful couple of weeks. The onocologist has ordered more test for other things and what ever it is , I can handle it better than cancer. I have been so much lighter today and in a much more upbeat mood.
I also was able to manage to make my power adapter croak on and charge up my almost died laptop. I might spare the cat some terrible wrath. Life is starting to look up. I can much deal with anything after the last year I have had.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sad days

I haven't been writing lately. That is because it has felt like life has kicked me in the teeth again. I have had so much going on and much tragic news. I don't much talk about my family on here. The news I have received lately is my uncle has liver cancer and is terminal . My grandmother that lives with my mother is going on hospice in the real near future. She is 94 so that isn't a big surprise. She also has severe senile dementia. I have mourned the departure of my grandma when she lost her mind about 7 or 8 years ago. The hardest one I have to stomach right now is the possibility that my daughter might have leukemia. She has had several blood test that all come back screwy. The values indictate something is wrong and she will be going to a hematologist for farther investigation. I will hear something hopefully by Friday. It has been the longest 2 and a half weeks with this. I just want some answers and they aren't coming fast enough for me. I'm scared and haven't dealt very well with all this news. I should say I'm dealing with it the best I can. Some days , I don't even get out of my pj's and just watch the crappy t.v. Some days, I try real hard . I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and just want to get off.

I'm planning a trip up north and will be gone for about 5-6 days. Up north is very spiritual for me and I need to connect to something. This trip is to restore some of my sanity as well as just to escape. I need some recharging. I know my problems will be right where I left them. Maybe, with some renewed spirit I will feel more like coping instead of finding my faith in a beer bottle. I have been getting drunk lately and it isn't acceptable to me. I need the beauty of nature and up north is where I find the divine wave , the colour of fall, the majestic waterfalls, trees that whisper in the wind and the pebble sanded beaches. I can find these things and relax without modern technology or most anything modern. It is very rural and cell phone coverage is spotty. Part of me is going to moan and grown for a day without my wifi or my daily calls to my mother. I might still make my daily calls but it will be on a land-line in a motel of mystery. I still have what we used to have before computers and blogs. It is my trusty journal and notepaper . I really plan on doing some journal and getting in touch with me. Hopefully, I might find one motel that might have wifi. I doubt it though because most of it is so rural. If I do I will update my blog. But probably will when I get back.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Good and Bad

On a good note, I have started to battle some of my depression. Baby steps have been applied to my life. I started to get out of the house. That started last week. I have been continuing that aspect as much as I can. I went shopping yesterday and actually didn't mind it. I also got my hair done . I love getting my hair done. Nothing like a good shampooing and massage to the scalp. The stress totally leaves me and makes me a happy camper.I shopped for more exercise clothes. I was thinking it might get me back on track. Since, it has felt like I have derailed this past last month. I also was pricing a new stove top for the kitchen and realized , I'm going to have to shop harder as the one place I went I didn't like the price. Which translates I'm going to have to order it via Internet or drive a distance. Sometimes, it really sucks to live in a rural area. The selection is just not there.
Last week, we went and visited my in-laws. To be honest it was more like checking up on their well- being. They are 90 years old. It always leaves me wanting to bang my head into a wall. They really need to be in a nursing home. They are hanging on by a thread. My mother in law has senile dementia and my father in law can hardly walk. My father in law makes all the decisions and lack of good ones in my opinion. He is very difficult for me to get along with as he is very stubborn and very argumentative. It lives me not talking much and just observing. I also get mad at J for not pushing them more to get more care. J and her brother don't want to step on toes. Well, I step on toes and wouldn't mind shaking things up. No, I'm suppose to bite my tongue about anything they do and that includes J's father treating me like shit and being in my opinion treating J lesser than the rest of anyone in J's family. Sometimes, I feel J's family is ungrateful as we travel aways to see them and help them. We also spend a ton also. We pay for most of the meals and have to pay for our lodging also. That doesn't even include gas. For as much as we pay we could have a nice mini-vacation of three days , anywhere in Ontario . So it chaps my ass, when they aren't grateful. I have been sort of ranting about J's parents for about two days. Mostly, in my head as it isn't nice to rant about someones elderly parents even if they are a huge pain in the ass. I always suck it up and I'm nice out of duty. Even booked another trip next month to help out and visit . Whether I'm in the mood or not. I will suck it up like I usually do and make my way to the hotel lounge and make the bitter taste in my mouth go down with a double of scotch.

Today, I'm going to not let this eat me as I can't change people and the only person I can change is me. Hopefully, I will make an appointment for a personal trainer to get me ready for the ski season and some help rehabbing a past injured shoulder. Several years ago , I tore a rotary cuff. I really need more aerobic activity also. I know how to exercise but it also helps me to get a firm schedule of what I need to do to get stronger in my core and legs . It cuts down on injuries when down-hill skiing when you are in shape. I need at least 8 weeks of fitness training. I have heard in might be a earlier winter and I want to be ready this year before the SAD seats in. I want to be locked into a proper schedule so I don't flounder.

Monday, September 13, 2010


I have been missing for awhile. I have been in a depressive mood. The weather hasn't been helping. It has been raining off and on for over a week. It has been so grey and black out. No sunshine at all. It is almost fall and with fall comes SAD (seasonal affective disorder) I'm just dreading it. The good thing is the doctor said she would loan a sad device to see if it will work. I will also have to step up on exercise and nutrition. I tend to sleep a lot when it gets all bleak outside and I will have to start setting my alarm clock not to sleep 12 hours a day. I haven't been active at all in the past 2-3 weeks and it has took a toll on my self-esteem. I feel a little bit more like conquering today. I told myself I have to start some where.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Ghost from the Past

I had a funny experience. I logged on to facebook yesterday with a request from a person . I thought I didn't know her . I did , it was someone that I went to High school with. I have no old high school people on my facebook except one other person. I did sort of stay in touch after high school with that person. I was surprised that she found me. It isn't the easiest thing to find me on facebook with all the privacy controls and stupid picture I use. I use a lemur for a pic. I about laughed when she asked me what I have been up to in 20 years. I laughed and said a lot has went on in twenty years. She wanted to know. I let her hear the good things but never really told her about anything else. I really don't know this person anymore. I just declined to say well I have went totally crazy in the past 9 years . It isn't as bad now. Who wants to hear you have been scooped up in a butterfly net and locked up more times than you can count on your fingers. It made me aware that at one time I had a picture perfect life to the outsider looking in at one time. Well it was never perfect nor does it look so hot now. It also amazed me after not talking for twenty years how one person could ask why I got a divorce 8 years ago. I was asked what happened. Why does anyone get a divorce. I never answered that but the dude was a real ass hat. Very emotionally abusive and I had enough. It might of also been because I'm a lesbian. I don't want old friends looking me up so I have to come out of the closet again. I still guard that fact about myself . I hope she can look at the pictures and figure it out herself. I don't think in a million years anyone could of figured out that I would become a lesbian.
I fought for many years to like my life and just want to forget about all the shit that happened in Highs cool. Or many other times in my life. My life is good now and I plan to keep it that way. I have worked my ass off to get to a place where I like myself most days. It hasn't been easy.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I'm not a happy camper. Everything is breaking down in this house. This week-end the newish cordless phone went out and so did the coffee pot that is less than a couple of months old. Did I save the box or warranty. The answer is NO. I thought they would last more than a couple of months. I get pissed nothing is made with quality anymore. It isn't like I bought cheap things either. The coffee pot is Faberware and I have no idea what the phone is but it wasn't cheap. To make things worse the oven has went out about two weeks ago. I don't want to have that fixed until I get the stove fixed. They are two separate units that I want to only call one service person and have to wait till the counter top stove that I want to purchase is within my reach. Now I won't wait for a coffee pot or cordless phone. I have been using the antique rotary phone. Yeah, we really have one of those old ones on the wall. I hate it but it is better than nothing. I haven't much spoke on the phone for the last four days because of it. Just to talk to J and bitch. It goes through one of J's ear out the other. I have been trying to argue with J but I'm not getting anywhere. I'm a little pissed at J also. It has been along four days by myself and nothing has went well. It also has rained buckets so I have cabin fever on top of everything breaking down. I haven't ran using the pouring rain as an excuse. I miss seating outside also. The dog did though recover from eating a box of bran buds. He was awfully smelly for about 2 days. He is back to him self.
J gets home today . I'm more glad about having transportation than J being back home. Like I said I'm pissed at J. I have had a ton of time to think about our relationship and it isn't the best at the moment. I get tired of the same old shit that happens year after year. I never have accepted the fact no one changes and I have to accept it or move on. I probably won't move on but I have to accept J. I have to remind myself I have to do what is best for me and sometimes that is to detach , move back and take care of myself and only concentrate on my needs for a change. I'm such a caretaker with J that I have lost myself in many ways. When I'm alone it shows me how selfish and self-centered J is. It also shows me how J takes no responsibility for anything . I feel like it is my fault since I do everything around here and make all the decisions. Lately, I have felt J is not very able to do things. Oh, I'm so wrong as J finds ways when I'm not around and is very functional without me . It pisses me off because I ask myself why can't J be like that around the house. My answer is J is lazy and can get away with it around here so why would J be any different. Oh it eats at me lately. With everything falling apart, my mood and the irritation with J sometimes I just want to scream.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Do you want some cheese with your whine

Today, has been a dreary dark day until the clouds cleared out this evening . The evening got still as the clouds cleared. I wish my mood would clear like those clouds. I have been alone today. J went away for the week-end and the house is so quiet without the girls being with us anymore. This is my first time alone without watching 3 dogs and a cat. If you have been following the girls died this year. The house is empty without them. I still have Brett but he is a old crank that sleeps most of the day or hunts. The poor thing ate a whole box of bran buds while I was at the grocery store today. He got it off a counter. He must of used his big paws to scoop it off the counter as it was far back. He is in a lot of distress stomach wise and should be better tomorrow but until then he is full of gas and the stink is about killing me. I might have to kick him off the couch. The cat is about useless without J here. She won't come out of the bedroom but managed to keep me from sleeping this morning playing with her ball and spitting around the house at 3 in the morning.
I have read a lot today as the summer is full of shit on t.v. and I have watched about every sitcom this summer. I just can't numb my brain with that crap anymore. I also been a little introspective and it is just uncomfortable. I think it is uncomfortable because It has been a rough year and I just don't want to be alone with some of my thoughts. Not that they are dangerous or anything but just painful and sad. I generally have other things to focus on and for once I'm alone with myself and I don't really like it right now. I have to come up with a project this week-end. I don't want to think. I would go somewhere but have no wheels this week-end which leads me to feel trapped. I'm so full of complaints this week-end. I feel like asking me if I want some cheese with my whine.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Delight of Food

I thought I would blog this morning as I feel chatty. It has been awhile since I have felt like talking or writing. I have been sad for months on top of being depressed. I don't know what has changed exactly for me lately but I like it. I'm sure it is particual my mood. During my summer of funk I stopped taking all my vitamin supplements. I started back a couple of weeks ago and feel so much more alive and functioning. I'm more like myself. I'm starting to have the summer that I planned . It is also showing signs of fall here. Some of the trees have started to turn some and the mornings are pretty crisp. I also see the days are getting longer. With signs of fall I start getting more of a nesting instinct to prepare for winter as they are very long here.
Anyway, I reseeded the yard yesterday and the weather was nice enough to rain and water it all in. I also managed to get most of my errands done also. I picked up my meat from the butcher. The freezer is now stocked for about 4 months. Until , beef goes on sale. Then I will get a side of beef. This time I got a cheap variety pack and about 15 pounds of skinless , boneless chicken breast. I'm pretty stocked for pork as the last time I got meat I stocked up on pork. I'm actually thinking about getting some lamb this fall from a local farmer up the way. It would make a change as I'm about beefed out.
I have been looking at different recipes lately and trying more marinades. One I found I like is called Wine Shallot: 1 cup dry white wine 1/4 cup of finely cut onion and shallot, 1 teaspoon oil 1/2 teaspoon each of cracked pepper and dry basil, 1/4 teaspoon of dry rosemary, and one bay leaf. I really like this on pork.
I also have made an easy ratouille doing hobo packs on the grill. A hobo pack is just a foil folded over all the vegetables. Eggplant, squash, tomatoe, onion , any type of peppers and seasonings. I served some naan (indian flat bread) brisked with some olive oil and heated up on the grill to go with it. It would be more french if you serve some sort of crusty bagette or french bread . Or with the ratouille sauting the vegetables before baking it. I just skipped that step as I like simple on a hot day.
I need to get ready for my jog this morning and finish my coffee while it is still warmish.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Unwelcomed Energy

I have been having a nice lazy morning. Drinking coffee and listening to some classic rock on the satellite radio. I have been catching up on reading blogs and facebook. I haven't been able to relax in a couple of days so this feels nice. I have been edgy and unsettled with a sense of nervous energy. I have been putting that unsettling energy to good use . I did all sorts of yard work yesterday as it seemed to help. I mowed, trimmed pulled weeds, stacked wood and got rid of brush piles. It seemed to help get some of that unwelcoming energy out of me. I even tackled the mess of the kitchen. All the work I did yesterday has left me more even kilted today. I don't know how long being calm will last but I will go with it.
I have all sorts of errands to do today since yesterday the thought of being trapped in a car wasn't going to happen. I even thought yesterday wasn't the day to deal with people either. So, today happily they will get done. I haven't had the patients to do laundry at the laundry mat . I have been paying the laundry ladies to do it and it has worked out good. I'm trying to eliminate some of the crap I truly hate around here when it doesn't work with my mood. It has helped me concentrate on some of the stuff I like in my life like working out and cooking. Also, I'm going to re-seed my lawn this week-end since it is all together. I much rather re-seed my lawn than do laundry. I better get off here and start planning my day as it might be rather long getting things done in town since the hoardes of tourist that embark on the town every week-end.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Ramblings of a mad woman

I have been sitting here reflecting over this past week. I love the morning as it is so quiet around the house . I drink my coffee and listen to the local radio at low volume. The local radio station really stinks but it gives local news and the weather. Sometimes, there contest amuses me. It generally is a simple trivia question or a clip of a song from the 60's 70's or 80's to guess at. What makes me giggle is the prizes won. I think you win a water bottle and get your name thrown in for a end of a week raffle for a buffet at the local Chinese food place. I'm used to radio stations giving better prizes. Oh what fun it is to live in a small tourist town.
I have been doing OK this past week. I have had productive days and not so productive days. I still struggle with daily life but it is getting better. I tell myself that anyway. I managed to run four days out of the seven. I wanted to run every day. I find the motivation to run hard. Actually, I find the motivation to do most things hard lately. It hasn't been so bad though and I have got a lot of things done. I think I want to have the feeling of natural motivation but it isn't going to happen. Sometimes, it is like pulling teeth to get me to do the things need to be done. It is even harder for J to get anything done and that is what I'm struggling with lately. J does nothing except sleep and drink and it is getting on my nerves. I hate being totally responsible for everything. I could bitch and whine about J but it solves nothing. I'm pretty irritated with J lately though. I know in time it will get better but the thing is when. It has been about three crazy weeks with J. It was just getting better until we received Flora's ashes back in an urn the other day. It is very morbid and I will have to look for a place in the house where the urn isn't in our face. I would of preferred her ashes in a box to be buried in the back yard. I wouldn't mind burying the urn but it seems pretty expensive to just bury.
Anyway, I hope this weeks weather holds up . I want to get on with life. I really don't care what else is going on with anyone at the moment . I have to take care of myself. I need to get back to golfing, swimming, and projects around the house. Being mentally ill myself and having to take care of someone that is mental ill can often take a toll. The best thing anyone that takes care of someone that is having episodes is to take care of their selves. I'm not getting in the middle of any crap and that is when I detach. In the past I have tried to stop taking care of everything and it backfires on me as some things just drive me nuts and I have to do them because it effects my life and comfort. I just won't be doing extra things or go out of my way to do things. My life has to go on even when life seems to be unfair lately.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Other Shoe Has Fell Off

I thought I would do an update since I have been gone for awhile. A lot has happened since, I last posted. I did manage to clean up some of the pig pen aka house for my relatives to visit. I did it in whirlwind speed. It reminded me not to procrastinate as it just causes a ton of anxiety. I then had a hectic but fun week with my family. To be honest , I'm not used to being that busy. I think I scheduled everything to do in the region, we live in a week, which is to much but they liked it. At the same time we had company the dog got sick. We thought she had some type of UTI. We took her to the vet last Tuesday. She was dxed with acute leukemia. X-rays revealed she had a enlarged spleen and most of her organs where damaged. She was seven. Even taking her to the vet being sick she was the vibrant dog she always was. Licking the vets feet and pulling to say hello to other dogs and people. It was a shock when we had to put her down. She just showed signs of her illness during the last week of her life. She had sudden onset. I was curious about that since she had a physical the month before and was fine. So, basically we lost 2 dogs in the period of 3 months. I was just getting over my mixed mood and depression when this happened and life looked up. Things where going well. I actually started to live again. My trudging was starting to be in the past. I'm back to trudging again but differently this time. The grief is to much this time and I try to ignore it as the thought these weren't only just mere dogs; they where my immediate family that I have spent years with and a lot of good and bad times with. I will get over it and have managed to stay busy. I just can't go back to that dark place where I was for the past three months with the death of Spud. Our young dog Flora was so full of life it is kind of a tribute to that dog to keep trudging along and living. I allowed myself a good three days to just totally fall apart and go on a binge drunk. It didn't solve a thing and made me feel worse.
J is Bipolar also. She has took this worse than ever expected. Her mood has been starting to change for the worse. She has been experiencing psychosis and has had to increase her anti-psychotic. I'm trying to be the rock in the storm now as both of us really can't go insane. I have increased the structure in the house and have started running it really tightly. I have started running again to relieve the stress of all of this and handle it in a more approtaite way than a scotch bottle. The remaining dog loves to run also and it burns off the anxiety . Brett the Brittany has been showing his ass since the girls have died and I have had to show him who is top dog and it isn't him. He is coming along and dogs like to have discipline as it shows them they are safe. Life goes on as I tell myself and in time it will be better .

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I was sitting here procrastinating again after I did some picking up and had a shower so I thought I would share some tips with you. I did a pedicure and manicure today. My feet where still green from working outside and even scrubbing and scrubbing didn't make a difference over the past couple of days. Something that no one might not know is I don't wear socks. That goes for the winter also. They drive me crazy. I don't much like shoes either. Anyhow, my feet suffered from two days of heavy duty yard work in flip flops. Finally, I applied my trusted tree tea oil shampoo to my feet and it stripped off the green. So did filing them and a pedi-egg. Tree Tea oil is good for many things. It cleans my jewelry, hair, helps with insect bites and cleared up a nice case of poison ivy also. I'm in love with the stuff. My hands have been so dry and chewed up so I soaked them in olive oil. I applied the olive oil to my hands and put on surgical gloves to soak. It repairs cracked cuticles and takes off hang nails. My hands and feet feel wonderful and look lovely. It beats paying to get it done also.

All Over

I don't know where I'm going with this post as I seem scattered and overwhelmed. I guess I will start with I got all the yard work done for the dog's invisible fence people . They did a great job installing it and we have been training the dogs twice a day. We have to have them chained up for a week until they understand their boundaries. It is coming along great. It is day three of it and we will up the radio waves on the collar and it will be more of a vibration if they challenge the boundary lines.
I have started to tackle the house and it is a huge job as I really haven't done anything in months. I did take a break yesterday from everything as I was just real worn from all the heavy work around the yard and my body would not take anymore. I had a nice time watching pure crap on t.v. and eating a ton of vegetables and fruits as that seemed to be what my body has been lacking and craving. I really don't know what I want to tackle today as it really looks like a bomb was set off in this house. I will probably do some errands today such as going to the dump and getting some cancer sticks(cigs)out on the Indian rez as they are about half the price as they are at the regular store. It wouldn't hurt me to get cleaned up as I have been in work clothes for days followed by my pjs.
I hope I can get the kinks out of my brain and start thinking in a more linear fashion. It would make it so much easier to get things done and not be all over the place. I really need to make myself a list but they don't help much as I basically know what I need to do but still skip all over the place.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I should win a trophy for procrastination.

I finally had to end my procrastination when it has came to the house and the yard. I was suppose to clear our yard so the dog fence people can lay down line for the invisible fence. I had to clear down to the lake as we never bothered except for a pathway. I had weeds as tall as me in some places to weed-eat. I'm 5'8 so the weeds where tall. We also had to get a down tree out of the way. Stupid me tried to pull on this rotted thing to get it easier with the chainsaw. When I pulled on it I went flying backwards and hit my head and ass so hard on the ground. I rattled my head pretty good. I think I gave myself a concussion. These are the times I'm glad J was a RN. J checked my pupils off and on all night and I have no brain damage from that at least. I feel decent except for a low grade head-ache today. It just feels like I was punched in the side of the head real good. Since, I procrastinate to the last minute I can't take a break today and have to get the front jungle down in what semi looks like a front-yard. I'm really excited about finally getting some type of fence for the dogs. Especially, for Brett, the Brittany. He has been chained every time he goes outside as he runs off and stays gone for hours. It is going to be great for him as he used to have a huge fence yard when we lived in the states. He is going to have a literal shock getting used to it but he is a smart dog and will learn fast . Flora, the golden retriever will do fine with the new fence as she isn't a runner or takes off but does need the occasional reminder to stay off the road.

Yesterday, I finally got out of the house for a haircut and went to town . While in town we broke down and bought a dock. It will take them a week to build it and deliver it. We have to install it . We thought for 150.00 hour that we would have to pay , we could do it ourselves. We have to paddle it to our property and set up the anchors, tie downs to the trees, and set up the ramp to the stairs. Doesn't sound hard but nothing we do is easy. It is nice to be kicked in the butt with activity after being depressed or in a mixed mood. I know I can't procastionate anymore as I have no time . I have relatives in about a week and a half and all that I haven't done in months calls my name. I have always worked better at the last minute. I should win a trophy for procrastination.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Off the ladder

I have been a little busy lately. First we went to visit the in-laws for a couple of days. Then I have been gradually trying to get this house in order for my relatives that are coming up from the states. The weather has been very hot and not in my favor. We have no a/c as it doesn't usually get this hot. It has been about 95 but with humidity 100 plus. I took a long awaited dip in the nice refreshing lake. It was actually sort of funny as I was trying to install a boat ladder to the main ladder that goes down to the lake .When I jumped in the water the ladder wouldn't work and I had to swim to the other side of the shore and walk home. I really think we are going to have to break down and buy a dock . I don't mind the heat if I can swim and it is hot enough here to swim every day. Plus it would help me loose much needed weight. The problem is docks are expensive and takes someone to install.
My mood is going better. It is funny how when a mood isn't so low or to high how a person can actually look forward to living life and the puzzle pieces come together . I don't know how long this little normal period will last but I'm happy that I'm more functional.

Monday, June 28, 2010

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonaide

I'm up very early this morning. It has been awhile since, I have got up so early. It is so nice and quiet. I'm drinking coffee and wondering what to blog as nothing particular has been different in my life lately. With it raining a lot , I don't get out much. I did go on a date with J last week and it was fun. We went out to eat and came home to watch a movie. I think it is important not to get into a rut with a relationship. It made for a nice date and we had nice food. Other than that it has been a ton of trudging day to day with life. I have been trying to get out of my rut but I guess I'm not fighting hard enough as I just keep on going in circles. I went off the anti-depressant as I found myself sleeping more and being less productive. My mind just felt like a bag of skittles that busted on the floor. It was all over the place. As much as I detest psych meds I occasional take them when I need to have some adhesive for my brain. I started some haldol and it has been great at holding my fleeting brain together. I will do that until this mood passes and I'm a little more stable like I was in the past. It is a little disheartening that I was pretty OK for 2 years and how I can just fall to pieces this year. I guess it is the nature of the bipolar beast. Back to the basics again and less excuses .

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sometimes Golf Can Teach You A Lesson In Life

Something that made me think the other day was about was a game of golf. I have been somewhat anxious and overwhelmed for awhile . I thought getting out would be good and since I have payed for a season of unlimited golf , I thought I needed to take advantage of it. The weather was actually decent. It has been like non-stop rain for awhile. I was really looking forward to playing since I haven't played in awhile. I showed up ready and looking forward towards playing until I got there. The woman that owns the golf course mentioned to me that It would be nice to have me play on a womens night where they have a league. The thought of playing with other women rattled the hell out of me. Where I wasn't anxious I became anxious. The thought of it made me sick. I made all kinds of excuses to get out of it. I even used the excuse I'm not any good. Well she dispelled that myth about being good when she showed me the score board. The thing is I'm a OK golfer and not awful. I'm awful when I get anxious and rattled though. The thing is I don't want to be around people at this time in my life. It isn't that I don't like people , it is I don't relate on a personal level or want to explain anything to them and my mood prevents me from being around them at this moment. Another thing is I stopped playing competively because it totally ruined a nice game and I was so uptight.
Anyways, I started to golf and I was so rattled about the possibility of playing with other women it really effected my game. I was all over the place and not hitting dead on. For me to play decent, I have to be relaxed and not over thinking like, I do in life. Golf for me is so easy when I'm just in the moment. Just like life is easier when I'm in the moment and living it and not thinking to much. Finally, after doing dismal for several holes, I remember thinking to hell with being so uptight, it isn't like I'm going to play on a league. I got into one of my sillier moments and picked up my club and acted like it was a sword and started sword fighting with J to break the tension. We laughed and some of the tension was broke. I started hitting the ball dead on where it was suppose to go. I didn't look at the obstacle in front of me but the bigger picture and blocked the mental obstacles of the course. I thought about life being like that to. When I see a big wall most of the time I look at the big wall and slam my face in it. Instead of looking over the wall and seeing the bigger picture.
What seemed like a terrible game of golf was good for me as I could get a lives lesson out of it. It was also nice to just get out also. It also felt impowering to get over the anxiety that set in also.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I have a lot of anniversaries this week. Tomorrow, is my seventh anniversary of marriage. Also, this week I have lived in Canada for one year straight without going back and forth to the states. I can't believe I have been married seven years this go around. There has been many up's and downs. We both have been so committed to each other and one others short-coming also. It has also been a long year here getting adjusted. I'm used to the city and not living in a rural area with a small town. That is on going to get used to. I still don't have things near to my satisfaction either. My storage has never really been touched either. It seems out of sight out of mind sort of thing when it has came to getting it out. To be honest this house is to small for my stuff and J needs to get rid of a lot of stuff. Gradually J has got rid of some stuff but is a pack rat. I'm not as attached to stuff and can live without nick nacks and frou frou. Just give me my electronics and golf clubs and I'm happy. I'm happy that I don't have to drag stuff back and forth anymore and have a whole truck load , to unpack every 3-6 months . I also got used to living out of a suitcase and purchasing stuff to make travel easier. I haven't had to spend any money on that stuff any more.
Back to anniversary . I don't know what we will do. If it isn't raining maybe play golf and have a nice dinner. I still don't have a gift for J and will pick one up today. Money is a little hard at the moment with all of our up coming expenses so it will probably be something practical. I like to give big gifts so this will be a little harder for me to be practical and on budget.

Monday, May 31, 2010

All Tied Up

I haven't realized how much tension I have been carrying around until I had a real bad headache yesterday and a panic attack. My head is still tender from the headache and my muscles have felt like big knots this morning when I woke up. I woke up and decided I needed to do some meditation and stretching to get some of the tension and anxiety out of my body. I even did some imagery of where I draw some numbers in my head to clear it. It put my body and mind at ease doing some of these things. I need to probably get more exercise to break up more of the tension but my head still throbs a little. It seems the more it throbs the more I get anxious and the more my body goes into a huge tangled knot. I haven't had one of these attacks since around March when I went skiing. I know I need to relax more and that is easier said than done. I feel very overwhelmed lately with life in general because I have let everything go in my depressed state. I logical know I need to break it down into small task and not over think things. I think to much and sometimes I just need to do things and not think myself out of things. If that makes any sense. Today, I will not ask myself why, why, why, and self analysis about anything and do what I can and not beat myself up for what I'm not doing. I will take extra breathes today and practice some relaxation methods to start destressing so I can become productive and active.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


I'm very frustrated I lost a post that I wrote. I'm sorry I have been MIA for awhile but I have been very depressed. I was in between mixed and depressed when the dog died but went into a very deep depression after she died. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I haven't been doing anything except being paralyzed with crippling depression. I stopped doing even basic things such as showering and going out of the house.
I have started a anti- depressant and feel much better but still in low grade depression. This is when I start using my coping techniques such as diet, exercise, routine and being good to myself. I wasn't able to make myself do anything but now I can. I can start coping with the horrible heat that has plagued this area. Before I was sitting depressed baking to death. We have no air as the heat isn't common for days . I think the heat made my depression worse. I'm not used to the heat without central air. I knew my depression was getting better when I started to cope with the heat and just not languish in it. I started drinking more fluids, taking cold showers, eating ice-cream. I also started to get out of the hot house and go to town by the bay where it is 10 degrees cooler. When I'm outside I have started to play in the hose like a little kid. I'm slowly getting back to normal. It isn't fast enough for me but it is coming along. I started to have goals again other than just get through the day . I will have to discontinue this anti-depressant soon as it will make me manic. I don't like either extremes. Now it is up to me to do the coping I need to do to make it back to the middle.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Getting There

I was so depressed yesterday dealing with my emotions about Spud the dog. I guess I'm out of shock, anger and bargaining and moving into acceptance. Oh the wonderful grief process. I know life has to go on and we have two other dogs and a cat. I brushed one dog yesterday and clipped the nails of the cat as part of me taking care of them. Took one on a small walk . Trying to get back to normal whatever that is. I felt dead inside as I did all my task yesterday and going to town to go grocery shopping and do errands. Finally got my tomatoes and other things I need to finish the garden. I also got a ton of flowers as they make me happy and the more they grow I get a big delight out of it.
Today is suppose to be warm and I will get a lot done hopefully if I don't crap out emotionally and physically. I know I will gradually move on but really don't know about this flat do nothing irritable mood that is getting old. The dog really was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel paralyzed when it comes to do the things I really need to get done and just get nothing done. I have no motivation and don't have the energy to just make myself. I will repeat trudge , trudge , trudge

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Every since we have had to put the dog down , I have been a wreck. I hate being a wreck and like someone else said about their dog it was a part of my soul. It felt like a piece of my soul got ripped out. I have felt so raw and disconnected until I finally escaped into a mini-vacation to Toronto. It is a little hard to cry walking down a busy street or even be centered in that place with millions of people around you. It has been nice to escape my mood and my life. I have been going to art galleries and eating as much as I can. I have also been walking a ton. You have to walk here and it is great. One of the reasons to be here is to walk without all the blackflys biting and what not. It also allows me to be me in the city. I just get to be and be totally autonomous. I didn't realize how much I have missed the city. As, much as I love it here I will be happy to get back tomorrow afternoon also to my other wonderful dogs and cat. One can only escape so much before you have to deal with life again. But sometimes an escape is a great way to get a handle on things before a person totally comes to pieces. I was slowly unraveling and really need to get a grip .

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Things are only getting worse

I have been in a bad mood for about a week now and it just seems to get more complicated. It was an ordinary mixed mood with no motivation, depression, aggitation, restless boarding on obessive thoughts over and over and just the general tendency not to live comfortable in my skin. I have had no energy or just meager energy to get what I think I can get done. When Bam the dog we have had for 12 years and has been in my life for eight is dying. It feels like a little piece of my soul is gone. It has been pushing me over the edge of reason and my mood just gets worse. I have been crying over her and hopefully today we will find something out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I have been trying to get it together lately. The other day I spent it taking care of the yard and trying to thicken it with seed and fertilizer. I even planted 45,000 wildflower seeds for shade in part of the back yard that has a lot of shade. I planted everything in the rain. All the racking and what not made my back ache pretty good. I was real emotional that day also so I wonder if my back wasn't worse from having a build up of all this emotional baggage I have. I decided I need a massage so I went for a massage yesterday and she got most of the soreness out and I have felt better. I also got some Chinese chicken noodle soup for the soul. It was a nice lazy relaxing day while it snowed yesterday. It was weird to see pollen and snow on the hood of the truck. .
It has occurred to me I need to take the bull by the horns and slowly get to where I want to be and seating on the couch isn't going to help. I called about scuba diving classes and I'm thinking about that. I will also get my butt back to the gym as it helps the most with my moods and especially with blackfly season going on. I also need to have more patients when it comes to service around here . I'm dying to get the mower back to manicure my lawn to cut down on some of the bugs around here. I have never been religious but I need to get some of my spirituality back that keeps me at peace and do some meditation again. I need some peace of mind as mine is starting to crack some. I really know I need to step it up when my mind starts backfiring. I have been eating more healthy with tons of vegetables, taking vitamins, trying to get out more and hoping to exercise some of that anxiety away. I need to think more positive even though I don't want to but negative thinking has never got me anywhere. Most of all I need to stay busy and not bored. My idle mind gets me into a ton of trouble. Now I will search for things to not keep me so idle and hope this weather cooperates

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I have been feeling better the last two days and have wanted to get out of the house but J has been sick. I went to town yesterday and had some lunch and shopped at the vegetable tent but wasn't able to do all my grocery shopping or take some pictures and take a walk by the bay. Today , J has to have a cyst cut off her neck. It isn't anything serious but will be time consuming, so we can't play golf today. It has been either to buggy, rainy or I have been sick. I'm trying not to be bored today but it is taking it's toll. I cleaned my computer and planted a bag of 45,000 wildflower seeds. I might later seed the bald part of our lawn as the rest of lawn is is taking over and huge.
The mower has been in the shop for a week and they have had to order a part so it just gets longer and longer. Tried to call a lawn service and they can't get to us this week. This whole town is a big ass wait game as it isn't on my time but on someone Else's mercy. I really hate this town. I try to like it but I just can't bring myself to it totally. I have been trying to get things done for awhile and just can't manage to find good help. They are so slow also. Maybe, I need a walk today to burn off some of my frustration and stress.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Try Try Again

I have been under the weather since yesterday. I have been running a low grade fever. So , I didn't do anything I planned on doing yesterday. I'm sick of being sick as it makes me feel low about myself. I was just starting to feel well again to get back into what feels like the ditch for me. I get very needy when I'm sick and I hate that feeling also. I feel like a big baby also because I want my mother to take care of me. Which isn't going to happen because she is over a thousand miles away.
I feel a little bit better today and took some allergy medication and some tyneol. Hopefully, I will make it grocery shopping today and get some errands done and my mood wont dip farther down as it was just coming up to an acceptable level.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Building Blocks

Yesterday, was a better day. I got cleaned up as soon as I wrote my blog and got ready to go shopping. I even cooked bacon and scrambled eggs. After eating and watching the news me and J went shopping about 60 miles from here . The drive was absolutely stunning with the different shades of green that are coming out this spring. We went to a place that I thought might have some summer clothes and not much luck. So we went to lunch and it was interesting seating out on the patio listening to this one table debate whether they had sex with this woman. They where pretty drunk but nice enough as they helped us get our umbrella up. We hardly talked to hear this tawdry conversation. We walked away full and entertained. We had one last stop to look to see if this store had Rollerblades and BBQ tools. Nothing turned up but we bought some mosquito coils for a bug shelter that we are going to put up so we can sit out in the yard.
Driving home I took photographs of the various lakes and rivers that we live by. I'm a little sore today from climbing rocks and paths to get the right picture. I love photography even though I'm pretty average at it. I try to get in all the practice I can.
Today, I'm going to try to tackle some of the mess around the house and maybe go grocery shopping. I was thinking laundry but it is trash day and we have to drive our trash to the dump. Not enough room today. The mood I'm in is gradually building on it's self and getting a bit better. It feels like building blocks. I hope I have a better base so it doesn't come tumbling down.