Springtime

I have been going through a rough spot . It isn't anything new but I'm sick of it and sick of talking about it. Hence , the lack of blog updates. Listen to a bad country song and that has been my life the last couple of years. Actually, probably most of my life has been some tragic song.

I have been starting to come out of my grey area even though there has been so much going on in my life. The sun has finally popped out. The temps have been way above seasonal. I never have wore a pair of shorts in March in Canada. Yesterday it was like around 70 degrees- 18-20 C. It is suppose to go up to 26C this week around 75 degrees. Last weekend we had snow. This week it is almost all gone. It melted so fast my yard is a mud hole. I grilled the other day and i just splashed in mud and had mud all over the place. The lake is still icy but suspect it will go out soon. The bay hardly has any ice except the shore. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week everything should be thawed .

We where coming home from grocery shopping yesterday and I seen a sign of spring. The beavers and geese in a creek doing what they do. It was so majestic to me. I forgot about having to take all the bags in the house. Nothing like geese to tell you winter is over. It still amazes me what a mild winter we have had. The bears should be out anytime also. I don't look forward to that though. Especially, since the dogs tore up trash all over the yard and I'm still picking it up. They made such a mess. My back doesn't bend like it should and my shoulders still hurt and flair up every time I over do myself. I have been doing a lot of stretching everyday to have my hurt just hurt moderately. I really think when my grayness goes out the window to what ever mood is in store for me which generally is mania this time of year . I have a lot of DVDs on Yoga. I need movement.

I haven't moved off the couch most of the winter. I see spring and think oh I'm going to be active again. I have gained weigh and it is time to take it off. It is time to shed everything and slowly getting back to me.

Hiding Under A Rock

I feel like I have been living under a rock for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had much of anything to really say. I have had things to say but I have been very quite. I haven't spoke much to anyone. I think if my foggy brain serves me right , I hardly said one word in a week to even J. Or even when I would barely go out say a word to anyone else and have a blank stare on my face. I read blogs but really didn't have much to say either. Didn't really update my facebook either. It has took me the last 4-5 days to get in a more social mood with anyone or anything. I really have just looked like a stump for two weeks. I haven't had anything to say good or bad.

The weather has been up and down for the past two weeks. Sun and dark grey. This time of the year it is generally sunny and edging towards spring. I get excited about spring. Not this year. Winter hangs on with it's cold hand. Blowing it's cold breath and spreading it's greyness and tantrums of unpredictable bouts of snow, ice and rain.

I wish I could recall of the past two weeks but it was so boring and it is foggy. it seems like it all runs into each other. Basically, it has been just daily life. Life without much emotion or passion. It has been getting about getting by.

I did have a nicer day yesterday. It was very sunny and very cold. I sat outside in the sun. I played with the dogs in the snow also. I broke out my green egg and grilled a steak. Nothing like the taste of hickory. I also took pictures. I haven't snapped a picture in over 4 months. I didn't snap anything special but at least I took some. Everything has looked so bland that it hasn't caught my eye at all in the past couple of months. I usually carry my little camera everywhere. I'm hoping that I will break out my Nikon pretty soon even though it is bulky. Who knows it is my b-day next month and I will get a better little camera. I think J will kill me for asking as my Nikon cost a fortune and I have hardly used it much in the past 2-3 years as I do the little camera. Mostly, because it is bulky and costly where I don't want to damage it.

I just wish my mood would make up it's mind about what mood it wants to be in. I have got many false starts into my usual mood for this time of year. My mood cycle is pretty predictable and this winter has been harder than usual for me mood wise.
It seems either the depression or the mixed just won't snap so easy. I really think it has to do with the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) with the mood not wanting to move to hypo-mania-mania. It really doesn't matter as each mood has it's baggage for me. I'm just bored and long over due to get out of this one. I wouldn't mind being more productive though. I feel it coming on and hope it will just stick. Actually, I feel more normal than usual and that is a good sign. Even though it is on the lazy side.

Hoping to catch up on more things today and being more communicative.

Back Into The Light

I fill like I have not wrote for a very long time. I have had so much going on in the past three weeks. Some exciting and some stuff not so exciting. I have been sick with something for about the whole time or it seems like it anyway. I have had the flu , cold and some sinus thing going on. I even managed to lose my voice. My mood stays still for the most part. I started a SAD light several weeks ago. I think without it I would even be more depressed than I'm.
Last Friday we got our puppy Daisy. She is a English Golden Retriever. She is 8 weeks old and just full of beans. She is also a very big girl for her age as she already weighs a little over 13lbs. She isn't fat but just BIG for her age. Which means she is into everything. I have been so exhausted since last Friday. I'm just starting to get settled into some sort of routine. We also put a collar on her. She is on a leash going out. For three days she was not on a leash and was like a pinball in the yard. I could hardly catch her she is super fast. We have no physical fence and she can get up to no good real fast. I even twisted my ankle chasing her so she wouldn't go into the swamp. It is a tad cold here right now and didn't want to fish a puppy out of the cold muck.
Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Part of it is I put everything off till the last minute. I have had tons of things to do around the house and outside and none of it gets done when it should. I was slowly trudging away last week until we got Daisy. Then exhaustion took over. If I could ever get over being sick I think it would help so much.
It is suppose to be sunny for the rest of the week even though it will be cold. I hope I will be able to pick up some final mess out side. It doesn't help that we lived outside this summer and have so much junk. We did finally get the camper put down and winterized. I was using the camper to store all my clothes junk. I still have tons of clothes to wade through stacked nicely in a huge pile in the studio. The work is never ending and I don't know when it will be ever organized as I have lived here full time for almost 2 years. It is way more manageable in some ways though. We both need to get rid of a mound of possessions. Mine are mostly in storage except my mounds of clothes.
I will be blogging more as I'm starting to feel better.

The Good and Bad

On a good note, I have started to battle some of my depression. Baby steps have been applied to my life. I started to get out of the house. That started last week. I have been continuing that aspect as much as I can. I went shopping yesterday and actually didn't mind it. I also got my hair done . I love getting my hair done. Nothing like a good shampooing and massage to the scalp. The stress totally leaves me and makes me a happy camper.I shopped for more exercise clothes. I was thinking it might get me back on track. Since, it has felt like I have derailed this past last month. I also was pricing a new stove top for the kitchen and realized , I'm going to have to shop harder as the one place I went I didn't like the price. Which translates I'm going to have to order it via Internet or drive a distance. Sometimes, it really sucks to live in a rural area. The selection is just not there.
Last week, we went and visited my in-laws. To be honest it was more like checking up on their well- being. They are 90 years old. It always leaves me wanting to bang my head into a wall. They really need to be in a nursing home. They are hanging on by a thread. My mother in law has senile dementia and my father in law can hardly walk. My father in law makes all the decisions and lack of good ones in my opinion. He is very difficult for me to get along with as he is very stubborn and very argumentative. It lives me not talking much and just observing. I also get mad at J for not pushing them more to get more care. J and her brother don't want to step on toes. Well, I step on toes and wouldn't mind shaking things up. No, I'm suppose to bite my tongue about anything they do and that includes J's father treating me like shit and being in my opinion treating J lesser than the rest of anyone in J's family. Sometimes, I feel J's family is ungrateful as we travel aways to see them and help them. We also spend a ton also. We pay for most of the meals and have to pay for our lodging also. That doesn't even include gas. For as much as we pay we could have a nice mini-vacation of three days , anywhere in Ontario . So it chaps my ass, when they aren't grateful. I have been sort of ranting about J's parents for about two days. Mostly, in my head as it isn't nice to rant about someones elderly parents even if they are a huge pain in the ass. I always suck it up and I'm nice out of duty. Even booked another trip next month to help out and visit . Whether I'm in the mood or not. I will suck it up like I usually do and make my way to the hotel lounge and make the bitter taste in my mouth go down with a double of scotch.

Today, I'm going to not let this eat me as I can't change people and the only person I can change is me. Hopefully, I will make an appointment for a personal trainer to get me ready for the ski season and some help rehabbing a past injured shoulder. Several years ago , I tore a rotary cuff. I really need more aerobic activity also. I know how to exercise but it also helps me to get a firm schedule of what I need to do to get stronger in my core and legs . It cuts down on injuries when down-hill skiing when you are in shape. I need at least 8 weeks of fitness training. I have heard in might be a earlier winter and I want to be ready this year before the SAD seats in. I want to be locked into a proper schedule so I don't flounder.

Do you want some cheese with your whine

Today, has been a dreary dark day until the clouds cleared out this evening . The evening got still as the clouds cleared. I wish my mood would clear like those clouds. I have been alone today. J went away for the week-end and the house is so quiet without the girls being with us anymore. This is my first time alone without watching 3 dogs and a cat. If you have been following the girls died this year. The house is empty without them. I still have Brett but he is a old crank that sleeps most of the day or hunts. The poor thing ate a whole box of bran buds while I was at the grocery store today. He got it off a counter. He must of used his big paws to scoop it off the counter as it was far back. He is in a lot of distress stomach wise and should be better tomorrow but until then he is full of gas and the stink is about killing me. I might have to kick him off the couch. The cat is about useless without J here. She won't come out of the bedroom but managed to keep me from sleeping this morning playing with her ball and spitting around the house at 3 in the morning.
I have read a lot today as the summer is full of shit on t.v. and I have watched about every sitcom this summer. I just can't numb my brain with that crap anymore. I also been a little introspective and it is just uncomfortable. I think it is uncomfortable because It has been a rough year and I just don't want to be alone with some of my thoughts. Not that they are dangerous or anything but just painful and sad. I generally have other things to focus on and for once I'm alone with myself and I don't really like it right now. I have to come up with a project this week-end. I don't want to think. I would go somewhere but have no wheels this week-end which leads me to feel trapped. I'm so full of complaints this week-end. I feel like asking me if I want some cheese with my whine.