Sunday, June 19, 2011

Wow, what a ugly gnome

I haven't wrote in almost a week. I had I think four teeth extracted totalling six. I got my partial and it looks wonderful. I haven't felt wonderful though. The partial doesn't feel that awful and isn't as painful as I thought it would be. The thing that has just made me so sick is taking the anti-biotic. I thought it was the pain pills making me so sick. It wasn't I figured it out yesterday. It has felt like I have had some killer flu. I have been trudging on though. Gradually, getting back to some sort of existence.

I'm getting my appetite back and I'm going to have to watch it or I will pack on the weight. My sleep is all over the place. I'm going to have to watch this as if I'm up I will shop. I mostly look but one night I ordered a pizza stone for the grill, marinade injector, a t-shirt and a set of god awful gnomes. Everything seemed acceptable except the garden gnomes. Wacky purchases generally tell me that I need to keep a close check on myself. I do justify the tacky gnomes though (lol) I want to plant some roses or some sort of flower that comes up every year as a memorial to my grandma that had eccentric and at times tacky taste. I wanted to put the gnomes around that plant. I still need to come up with a plant for the yard for my father. His favorite colour was blue. The hard part is to come up with something hardy enough for this area that will come up in the summer. I haven't thought of the little statue or possible bird feeder I will use for that area. He really loved watching birds and got a thrill out of doves. I thought about something dove like but it is so funeral like to me. My yard is turning into a flowered monument to dead things. I have planted loads of colourful tulips for the dogs that have passed. Also, tulips for the soldiers as I have Canadian Liberators as a tulip variety. I have a post somewhere about them. I really love flowers and plants though. I really look forward to this coming week with getting some annuals and perennials. It is still planting season here if you can imagine that. Barely, but still (haha) I have had so much come up that I haven't got around to my yard work. Yesterday, morning I made the statement "I don't even know why I bother getting up today" Well, I'm glad I did. It was late morning and people where mowing and doing brush removal. I could smell the sweet perfume of sweet grass and all kinds of different things that I couldn't identify as the sweet grass was so over powering. The sun was so bright and it was coldish. The wind was perfect. I could hear red squirrels chatting away. Which means they where telling something off. I couldn't help but smile. I even managed to seat outside and grill. I cooked a ham and some potatoes. I managed to put up the umbrella in the patio furniture. Not a hard job but the umbrella is broke and I had to tie a very hard tight knot in it to keep it up which at first I balance my fat ass on a chair to tie the knot but ended up putting it on the ground so I wouldn't fall. I have been a bit dizzy lately. J and I played a little bit with Daisy also. We stayed out until the mosquitoes got feisty . I look around the yard and see some major yard work to be done but in time it will get done. Probably, by the end of summer. Who knows, it will be when I get to it. I have years and years of projects and have to with the house and yard.

We are thinking about getting another cat also. A kitten to fit in with the other animals. Mostly, to entertain Link and keep her busy. I have been looking at Siamese cats. I have found a breeder and the more I try to work with her the more I'm favouring the humane society again. The cat breeder is a little wacky for my taste. I also hate kissing someones ass for an expensive cat. I for the most part think each to their own with beliefs but don't impose some wacky new age beliefs on animals and customers. The more I think about it I think I will go the humane society route and not jump through the hoops of this weirdo like a trained poodle. We jumped through enough hoops with the humane society. Tons of paperwork ,references and interview. I was very impressed with the humane society here as it was super clean also and had no animal urine or feces smell. The smell of the humane society of southwest Missouri will knock you over and I have ended up with very sick animals. One of the things that turned me off of adopting animals. I would spend a ton of money to make them well from some sort of contagious lung infections or kennel cough. I had a dog that made the rest of my dogs very sick also. I been thinking I will be ready in the fall for another cat. Daisy, will be grown enough to be able to handle a kitten. I will enjoy watching a kitten interact with the rest of the animals also. Very cheap entertainment.

I'm also slowly making list even though I have had major setbacks. I have kept my unofficial new year's eve goal by taking care of my health and getting a doctor. I have totally for the most part fixed all my teeth. I have completed wearing this horrible device that keeps track of your blood pressure for a 24 hour period also. i go back to the nurse practitioner tomorrow. My blood pressure still has been on the high side and I need to get it in acceptable range. One of my heart meds drains me physically of any stamina which I need to get changed. I have been so tired physically for about two months and I had decent stamina before my heart-attack. I can hardly mow the grass now. The med isn't right. I have been off the one med for a couple of days now and already feel my stamina come back. Part of me worries that the angina will come back. I'm sure they will come up with a better med anyways that controls my blood pressure better. I still need to manage my stress and anger better. I was more aware of my stress and anger wearing that blood pressure monitoring machine as when I was stressed or angry my blood pressure would be much higher. Sort of a little bio-feedback machine. I would be aware of it and do things differently. It would lower. I still need to give up smoking also. I plan on that in the fall or winter. I need to get through some of my grief and stress. Yes, I need that crutch. I also need to change my habits with smoking to be truly successful also. I dread moving my smoking outside but will sometime. The thought makes me shudder.

Well, I'm thinking about going back to bed even though it is daylight at 5:30 this morning and the birds are all up chirping, quacking, etc. It is also nice to listen to the geese,ducks and soon to be loons on the lake. I haven't thought about what I will do today on Father's Day. Nothing perhaps, or just another day to me to get things done. I really don't want to be dreary and negative. I have started to gradually get out of my dark pit with that and accept it.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Coming out of my cave

First off , I want to thank everyone that made such kind comments. It really is so kind. The blogging community can be so awesome at times. I finally started to get caught up reading other peoples blogs also . I have never got this far behind. I have pretty much have caught up. I don't comment much but I do read all of your blogs. I read regular blogs also besides just a steady diet of mental illness blogs.

Anyway, I'm trying to do better. It is off and on for me. I will get there. It is moving slowly. I'm slowly getting back to eating. I just got somewhat of an appetite back. The irony is I'm getting more teeth pulled today and getting everything finished. My partial will be put in today also. That means even if I'm hungry it will be painful to eat. The good part is I will lose more weight. The bad news is my shorts and pants hardly fit. I like my clothes and I'm also cheap can be frugal at times. I'm excited though that all my teeth will be fixed completely today. I think I had some fillings done last week in the bottom teeth. Which completed fixing my bottom teeth. My teeth where a mess and they will be pretty again. Time anymore is such a blur to me.

I have been watching chick flicks on tv recently. I was never a fan of them. They are perfect when you don't want to think and just need a laugh or an escape. They have been good for me. It makes a difference than watching a movie I watched in this last month called For Coloured Girls. That movie was deep and despairing. Not like the stream of movies like Maid In Manhattan, 2 week notice, Confessions of a shop acholic. You get the drift. Chick flicks are good for not thinking and so very predictable. I really don't need serious movies at the moment. That is pretty much how I spent my week-end. I also had a real nice dinner out. It is nice not to cook and have something decent. My only complaint is the serving sizes out are so huge. Also, most of the time not worth taking left overs. I used to take home scraps to the animals but don't any more since I really don't want them fat and the elderly dog doesn't need anything to mess up his liver more. I still have yet to take his urine in. Will probably do that today. They are going to test him for Cushion's Disease. He is doing OK though and has his days. Will know more about the options for him later this month.

I have been making list to help me with getting things done. My list is getting done very slowly. I'm just really trying to get back into the groove and find it hard. I start off good then I'm moody. Like a damn roller coaster of emotions. It really is the grief I feel and it will all level out in time. It is just one wild ride. I have to chunk everything down to digestible bites in my life at the moment are it is so overwhelming for me to get what I need to get done. No one ever died of a messy dirty house, I don't think. I'm not going to die of my disorganization at the moment either . It does cause me anxiety though and it will get done. I have so many things that I want to do this year. Summer is so short here it sets me in a panic to waste the precious days of summer. Anyway, I'm going to really start rambling and don't need to do that . I need to finish my coffee even though it is late in the morning. I probably won't enjoy my coffee tomorrow with a sore mouth. Choke another smoke down and get ready for the dentist. If I feel like it tomorrow I will blog. I have some positive news to share also and just mundane life.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I really don't feel like writing. I will give an update. My Father and grandmother died. I expected my grandmother to die as she was almost 93 and on hospice. My father I didn't expect to die and it was unexpected. He passed June 5th. The week long saga with my father in the hospital felt like a million years. I had a drunken melt down and have been doing Ok now. Slowly, I'm getting back to life. I'm getting back to where I drink less. I'm still drinking to much right now and I know it and will do something about it in the near future. I really don't need any lectures. I'm having a hard time in the evening and cry a lot in the night. I do get to sleep but it is after I have held it together all day.

I have just ton of crap to get done and very slowly it is getting done. A ton isn't getting done. I'm barely eating because I can't be bothered to cook or deal with it. I did finally get my ass to the grocery store so hopefully I will have a vegetrain meal of some form of Ratouille. It is very easy on the stomach. My stomach has been in knots. I'm back to hating food which isn't good. It is nice to lose weight though. This just isn't the right way to do it. I will gradually get back to food and have a normal relationship with it. Basically, I have no structure in my life and I need to find a balance in the near future. I'm hanging mentally by a thread. I do know logically it will all work out and I just need time. Everything will get back to normal. I tell myself that and I gain some solice thinking that. I'm not looking forward to my journey with my grief with my father. I sorted out my grandmother emotionally and I'm in a good place with that. I really feel defeated at the moment in my life. Actually, I have had it and can't handle anymore shit. I have had my fill in the past year.

Hopefully, today, I will pick up my laundry from the laundry mat. I had them do it. I will eat a decent meal and not fastfood or nothing at all. I won't do a booze diet. I will deal with some basic life problems such as paying bills, my health(walk) and this messy house that looks like a bomb of beer and wine bottles have went off. I need to start making list again as my brain isn't present. Slowly but surely , I will get back to the basic things people do everyday. I will even slowly get back to enjoying life. It really can be so short for some people and I want to enjoy it.