Sad days

I haven't been writing lately. That is because it has felt like life has kicked me in the teeth again. I have had so much going on and much tragic news. I don't much talk about my family on here. The news I have received lately is my uncle has liver cancer and is terminal . My grandmother that lives with my mother is going on hospice in the real near future. She is 94 so that isn't a big surprise. She also has severe senile dementia. I have mourned the departure of my grandma when she lost her mind about 7 or 8 years ago. The hardest one I have to stomach right now is the possibility that my daughter might have leukemia. She has had several blood test that all come back screwy. The values indictate something is wrong and she will be going to a hematologist for farther investigation. I will hear something hopefully by Friday. It has been the longest 2 and a half weeks with this. I just want some answers and they aren't coming fast enough for me. I'm scared and haven't dealt very well with all this news. I should say I'm dealing with it the best I can. Some days , I don't even get out of my pj's and just watch the crappy t.v. Some days, I try real hard . I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and just want to get off.

I'm planning a trip up north and will be gone for about 5-6 days. Up north is very spiritual for me and I need to connect to something. This trip is to restore some of my sanity as well as just to escape. I need some recharging. I know my problems will be right where I left them. Maybe, with some renewed spirit I will feel more like coping instead of finding my faith in a beer bottle. I have been getting drunk lately and it isn't acceptable to me. I need the beauty of nature and up north is where I find the divine wave , the colour of fall, the majestic waterfalls, trees that whisper in the wind and the pebble sanded beaches. I can find these things and relax without modern technology or most anything modern. It is very rural and cell phone coverage is spotty. Part of me is going to moan and grown for a day without my wifi or my daily calls to my mother. I might still make my daily calls but it will be on a land-line in a motel of mystery. I still have what we used to have before computers and blogs. It is my trusty journal and notepaper . I really plan on doing some journal and getting in touch with me. Hopefully, I might find one motel that might have wifi. I doubt it though because most of it is so rural. If I do I will update my blog. But probably will when I get back.

Happiness

I have been busy with having some fun lately and feeling good. I haven't felt good in along time. My depression is lifting. I still have some fog of depression but generally, I have been feeling good. I don't know what to make of my happiness as I find happiness elusive and hard to hang on to. I feel if I'm happy, the other shoe is going to drop off. I'm learning to go with it though.
I have been pushing myself to find new ways of being happy. Happy for me has been to be active physically lately. I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing. I especially love snowshoeing. I found I worked hard and had air in my lungs where I never have had cold air before. It felt real good to walk through the snow where most people sink if they try to walk in it. The weather has been so wonderful. It has been sunny and clear for the most part. Yesterday was more breezy and overcast so I was so happy when I didn't waste the wonderful days this past week. I have been gradually getting back to photography also. My pictures that I took weren't the most wonderful but not to bad considering it is very hard for someone that is learning to cross country ski to stand and click at the same time. I'm not very good on the skis. I have away to go. I'm still a little wobbly and cant stride and chew gum at the same time. One of the reasons I didn't fall my first time out was that I didn't want to screw up my cameras that I had strapped to me. My balance has always been not that great and worse on a pair of skinny skis. The thought of busting expensive cameras where enough to keep me up right. I ended up after about a half an hour taking them off and just hiking . I'm looking forward to skiing again next week when it is suppose to be nice again. Part of loving the skiing and snowshoeing is all the solitude and wonderful beauty of the landscape , I get to enjoy. They have a ski place that isn't that far from us but it is always so crowded. We have been going out to this place called Killbear. There is hardly no one there during the week and even when people are there it is so huge that you might not see many if any people at all. Nature at times is my only spirituality and I feel like I'm whole with my environment. I really can't put the feeling in words but it makes me happy and filled with marvel. It is sort of like a Emily Dickson poem where she speaks about the outdoors being her church.
I have neglected the house in the pursuit of my physical activity but I don't feel bad at all for neglecting it. Messes will always be here for me to clean. I will eventually get in the mood for the house but I'm taking the opportunity to do what I please and what I'm in the mood for. It works better that way for me as I find each to be a building step for me to get what I need to get done. By having fun I'm more likely to do what I need to do as I'm happy. I don't know how long my happiness and positively will last . But I will embrace any of it and try to build on the building blocks of being more functional.