Smile

I have been thinking about blogging for at least the last 2 1/2 hours. I have had many . distractions. My morning has been very disorganized. I didn't even want to get up early this morning but the dog decided he wanted to eat and whined , winged , cryed until he got my attention. I was very irritated with him as it wasn't time. Once woke I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Half asleep and irritated I put on coffee and was topping off my nictone levels. I started to do my check facebook and blogger rountine I have every morning. I found a blog I read and it was refreshing to see something postive in the blogshephere of someone doing good. It made me want to start my morning and not be grouchy. It is something how postivey can be contagious.

One other example happened last week when J and I vistied a friend of J's that more than likely has terminal cancer. J's friend I will call S. S is so postive about her illness. S has been fighting recurrent and different cancers of the colon, liver and now lung for probaly the last 5 years . S has never been a smoker, drinker and has always took care of herself. Pretty much has lived a real healthy life. S is now recieving very intensive chemo at the moment. When we visited S had a little break from chemo because her blood count was low and has to take breaks from chemo. We arrive and was greeted. Served coffee and had a very nice visit with cake and everything. This is from a woman that doesn't even let cancer get her down but I can hardle make myself cook when I'm depressed or sick. When talking with S she will tell you she has a choice of how to handle her cancer and her life. She can be postive or negative. Telling you negative is so self defeating. She isn't Mary Poppins either with telling you she has bad days but accepts them and doesn't let them get her down. If she has to be in bed all day she trys to enjoy tv or the warmth and comfort of the bed. She doesn't beat herself up about what she isn't doing. S is a very social person and doesn't isolate either. It is a shame people that used to drop by don't drop by as often and I have seen when you get a dx. of anything people just don't know what to say to you and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

With S being so open as a person. It is very easy to be around S. S is an open book with her friends and you can't say the wrong thing. I found myself being not as guarded around S as I'm with most people. I was very comfortable and open myself and recieptive. Being around a postive person made me feel from so so to great. It made me forget many of my bitches of the day. It also made me think about how bad I isolate I think I can count on one or two hands how many people I have spoke to in the past year and a half. Most of those people would be service related people(hair dresser or massage) Had two people over to the house in the past year and haven't been to anyones house except in-laws and that is every 3-4 months. As, you see I isolate. This experiance makes me want to try harder with being more social. Also, not to use the excuse I stay in-touch with people via the computer or phone. Real face to face contact is what is needed with people. Having nice laughs and sharing coffee or tea. Engaging is activities with people. It also made me aware I used to not be socially awkard and isolating has made me socially awkard. It has made me want to take chances with people even if they bail on me.

Example: With this experiance I put myself out there. I got an e-mail saying an acquaitance wanted to run. I said sure and made a time etc. Even though I really didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn and run. I prepared the night before and got everything ready. I wake up early and check my e-mail. The person bailed on me saying she couldnt get to sleep in time so bailed. In reality looking at facebook this person flaked on me and had something else better to do. People be smart enough if you say something in e-mail don't be posting on facebook in the early morning and contradicting yourself. It really makes you look like an ass. This person I had a feeling was a flake and it just comfirmed it. Will I still ever go running with this person. Sure but I will never really trust this person and take everything as iffy. It turned out that morning it was storming like hell anyway. I would of just ran by myself as it was a good way to get me started again with running. My running has been so on and off this year. I really need a good boot in the ass to start again and I thought this would of been a great opputunity.

I have been so busy with living lately I haven't had time for running or much of anything else. That is another entry though.

Blogger isn't working correctly and I can't spell check or edit.

Rat...A...Tat..Tat

I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.

Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.

I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .

Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.

Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.

Facebook is a different type of beast

I feel pretty quiet lately so I was thinking about what to write. I was looking at my stats on blogger the other day and it told me that the most googled thing about my blog was facebook. I have a entry about facebook defriending. So, I thought I would write about facebook today and about the divison of people that make up my facebook. They are such diverse people. I would assume a lot of people probaly have these type of people also. I have one group of friends that don't do anything else on facebook except play endless games such as farmville, mafia wars and fish something. Tons of games. I'm not bothered by it as I have blocked most of these invites. To be honest I do play two applications but it doesn't consume me. Then I have the political advocate facebook friend that gets so excited about anything political. They seem to breath politics. I used to be a political junkie but I'm pretty apathetic anymore and really don't give a crap about this cause or that one. I do stay informed though. I have friends from both political parties in the states. Like you can only imagine they differ so much on beliefs. I have even seen fighting in some of the threads they have. Interesting indeed. I also have the group of people that are just family. I would have to say this is the most awkward group as I have a couple that embarrass me a little with some of the things they put on my wall. Most of my family don't share some of the same beliefs I do and I just don't want to argue with them. But as a group they are great. They get to see my pictures I post and it seems to help them keep up on my life.
Then there is a few that I have came into contact with over games, blogging, past life, etc. They seem to be my favorite. My friends by choice.
The other thing I have observed is most people don't comment on anything on facebook or very rare. I don't know what the problem is on my facebook. Sometimes, I think is my status update is not interesting enough to start a conversation? The times I do I think of possible one person that ruins it and people don't want to comment because of her antics. Then I was told most people are lurkers and don't really care. I do know I don't comment on a lot of stuff either do to mood or whatever but I do try to be involved . Facebook is adifferent type of beast anymore with many factors for many people and why they do use it.

A Ghost from the Past

I had a funny experience. I logged on to facebook yesterday with a request from a person . I thought I didn't know her . I did , it was someone that I went to High school with. I have no old high school people on my facebook except one other person. I did sort of stay in touch after high school with that person. I was surprised that she found me. It isn't the easiest thing to find me on facebook with all the privacy controls and stupid picture I use. I use a lemur for a pic. I about laughed when she asked me what I have been up to in 20 years. I laughed and said a lot has went on in twenty years. She wanted to know. I let her hear the good things but never really told her about anything else. I really don't know this person anymore. I just declined to say well I have went totally crazy in the past 9 years . It isn't as bad now. Who wants to hear you have been scooped up in a butterfly net and locked up more times than you can count on your fingers. It made me aware that at one time I had a picture perfect life to the outsider looking in at one time. Well it was never perfect nor does it look so hot now. It also amazed me after not talking for twenty years how one person could ask why I got a divorce 8 years ago. I was asked what happened. Why does anyone get a divorce. I never answered that but the dude was a real ass hat. Very emotionally abusive and I had enough. It might of also been because I'm a lesbian. I don't want old friends looking me up so I have to come out of the closet again. I still guard that fact about myself . I hope she can look at the pictures and figure it out herself. I don't think in a million years anyone could of figured out that I would become a lesbian.
I fought for many years to like my life and just want to forget about all the shit that happened in Highs cool. Or many other times in my life. My life is good now and I plan to keep it that way. I have worked my ass off to get to a place where I like myself most days. It hasn't been easy.

Facebook, The mindless and corrupting of true social interaction and life.

I have been thinking a lot about Facebook and other technology like twitter and the computer period. I'm separted from facebook at the time. I have found out that I have a dysfunctional relationship with this mindless time waste. I have been trying to figure out what the appeal really is. Why do I find myself wasting so much of my time on it. I had one friend tell me she had 500 friends that she doesn't even know in real life or talks to them either. Also, if she gets one more Farmville request she is going to divorce facebook also. I don't know if the developers of Facebook intended to make it into a sight really void of social interaction or not. It is so easy not to really communicate with the invent of Facebook or Twitter. You can communicate in short burst with a status update or a tweet. Not really even thinking. You dont even have to reply to a status update because you can just check a box that you like something without even saying actually why. I have came to the conclusion that these applications are so superficial. People used to complain where was the phone call anymore when the computer came along or where the letter in the real mailbox was. Now I ask myself where did the email go to? It is vanishing with the short burst and brainless invention of Facebook, Tweeter and Texting. I can now type a icon to tell you how I feel or maybe virtually tell you how much I like you with an application like grow a plant or sending hugs and hearts. I have found I no longer send real cards for b-days now. I have facebook send you a virtual cake and say Happy Birthday. I ask myself is this real social interaction or is it more superfical than I have ever thought. I have began to realize what was once fun is now boring and so superfical than I ever realized. I have spent so much time playing many mindnumbing applications and answering so many brainless quizes . I have started to ask myself where did my brain go. I have escaped from reality into virtual reality or is it any kind of reality ? I have used facebook to orginial connect with people and find myself actually with less of a connection than ever before. I'm to busy on facebook click , click , clicking on some stupid boring application. I have asked myself how did I get drawn into it. I'm still curious how intelligent people get sucked into such applications. Is it boredom? Is it a escape from life? Is it addicting? Is it peer pressure? I have alot of questions why other people do it and why society is becoming different in communication. I know for me facebook became away to escape my boredom and it was mindless when I didn't want to think about life. It was a little bit of peer pressure also with using applications as I wanted to please my friends by adding what ever they sent me whether I played it or not. I also found sometimes the connection with them but ended up not at all feeling a connection to any of the people on my friends list. What is going to be the next technology of escapism? People have been finding ways to escape the realities of life for as long as man has been on the planet. I'm just wondering what the new trend will be. Is this type of interaction here to stay? It just raises more questions for me than ever. What will dictonarys in the future look like? Will it have ways to define text lingo? Will everyone adopt a new way of spelling things? I know when I get a e-mail full of text lingo it makes me raise an eyebrow. Then again anymore I'm just thank-ful for an email in this day and age. I'm even guilty of just sharing vaguely what I think or what I'm doing with a status update or checking a box that I like something. The more I actually think , the more I think I'm going to divorce Facebook or at least take a real good sabbitcal from it and if I do go back use it to actually connect with people.