Saturday, October 31, 2009


Procrastination marks my life. I finally got my media storage center done to unburden the clutter. I needed to finish it to move all the games and movies we have. When I was able to do that I could hook up the VCR-DVD transfer to get up all the old VCR movies to DVD format. I'm the gadget person. I hook up everything around the house and hook up everything.
I also finally hooked up the Wii. I have all the stuff that has been hanging around for months in their place and it looks nice. I don't know why I put it off as it was easy. I have lacked motivation for awhile. I think just taking time for myself yesterday helped promote getting things done. I also don't want to deal with my relationship problems of late. I have a lot of time on my hands now . My mood is not great and still mixed. Nothing makes it worse than sitting on my ass . I really would like to just sleep but life doesn't get better when I sleep. Here is to more things to come. I even made a list today and it built on it's self with getting things done. I clear an area and do more.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Sometimes you just have to get back to basics Bipolar 101

Sometimes, I just need to get back to basics with being Bipolar. That is sleep,eating right, exercising and having me time to heal. Basically taking care of myself. I have been dxed since I was 27 and I'm now almost 37. It has been a long ride for the past 10 years. I also no longer beat myself up for the things I don't do and just take things in stride lately. I'm really trying to beat getting to the hole I'm heading into. I'm also trying not to speculate about the future as I have no control over it and I tend to be a control-freak. I can't control anything of other peoples or even much of my own shit. I try to take it a day or sometimes a hour or a minute at a time. My mood basically sucks and it isn't going anywhere soon. I don't feel like doing anything lately and that doesn't give me an excuse anymore to stop trudging with doing what I need to do. I used to tell myself I couldn't do it. But in all honesty I just didn't want to do the things that make me well. I don't have to feel good to make some strides and take care of myself.
With no energy except the anxiety I took a short jog which made me feel better temporally. I cooked today and had three meals today. I ate a healthy salad and started my extra vitamins. I relaxed today and listened to my favorite music as loud as I wanted and made more play list. I acknowledge the feelings that have been bothering me even though it more less takes time to get over some of the stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I also escaped into magazines today and was trying to distract myself. Most importantly I have a very good friend that will talk with me and I talk to her about her problems. It is always nice to have support . I'm still working on a support system since I have moved over a thousand miles from mine.
I also bought me a Bose docking system as a treat for putting up with life. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in awhile. I also thought I would extend the niceness to taking care of myself with giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I also did a cheap facial and felt relax for awhile. Sometimes , I ignore my appearance and need to remember that is important to have these things done and it boost my ailing self-esteem even when I'm not into it. It is building stones to help me get where I want to be. It is a never ending battle and some days it is as level as it gets but it isn't a cure. Somedays you just need to take a day off and do things for yourself.


I have been so full of postive and negative feelings lately. I have also been full of anxiety. The crippling stuff that wants me to just not do anything. I tell myself I'm overwhelmed because of all I have to do. Well now I don't have to do anything and Im still anxious. I decided to go jogging in the dreary grey drizzle. It sure does clear my mind for awhile. It is so important that I get some sort of exercise as it has away of clearing out just for awhile the antsy anxiety that burdens me.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.


Today, I bought some more vitamins to throw on the mix of taking a multi-vitamin and a B-complex. I'm going to start getting more Vitamin C that is chewable for flu- season and cold season and Cod liver oil for the impending winter. I don't get any Vitamin D from the sun. I'm hoping to get a lift of mood also as I'm defienct in that area of sun lately with it raining. At the moment I try to get out even for any influence of the sun. It is dreary with all the greyness but it does help my mood to take some sort of walk and to get out period. It is harder when it rains all the time but not to make excuses their is some breaks in the rain even though it is never enough and the muck of mud is all around. It isn't that pretty outside either as everything is bare naked also and the ground is all dead. November until it snows can be one of the worst months around here as it is known for it's grey sky and nothing ascetic to the eye. Nature is doing her thing and pretty soon hopefully with Day light savings it will be a little better with how fast it gets dark and gain an hour. What are you going to do with you extra hour?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A flood of feelings

I don't know what to really say. My partner has been suffering from addiction and is also Bipolar. I went to an appointment with her today as she was ready to get help with her drinking problem. I'm very proud of her and think it takes a lot of courage to get help. My feelings have been all over the place. I worry a lot about her also as she has some underlying health problems. She was so scared and rightfully so as this is hopefully going to change her life. I already miss her and hope her the best as I know she can do this five day detox. Maybe, this will also give her a chance to get her meds together and me a break from all the chaos that has been around lately. It is heart breaking to watch someone drinking them self to death slowly . It is like slowly committing suicide. I have so much going in my head at the moment and it doesn't help my mood is at a all time mixed up crap state. I need to take care of myself in the meantime and do what I can for me at the moment as my hands are totally out of the mix what is going to happen to her at the moment. I cant guess what will happen and just hope she will be OK. She had to go to detox out of town and I really hope she will be OK. More to come in more days when all this sinks into my brain.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Morning Routine

I look forward to the wee hours of the morning. It is peaceful and quiet . It is just me and the animals. They are my fan club in the morning waiting to go out and do their business. Each day, I discover what the weather is going to be like. Today, it is raining. I can smell the burning of wood and what a nice smell that is. The air is crisp with a little bit of a bite this morning. I can't see much as it is always dark and have to rely on my other senses in the morning. I also love the smell of coffee in the morning and the gentleness of how unchoatic the mornings are waking up and sipping coffee and just being. I try to make plans for the day but life generally gets in the way of what I plan . Lately, I haven't been making as many plans and been getting more done. Sometimes, I need a list but lately I just see what needs to be done and do it. I do love my morning rituals though. I truly like just waking up and drinking coffee and being on the computer surrounded by my animals. I also like watching them in the morning as they are full of life and come alive. One of the Golden's plays with a cat in the morning as they stretch out and roll around. The cat usually bites the dogs head and sets it off as they mouth each other and it looks like they are hugging. The other two dogs just sit there and act all adoring or is it they want a big biscuit in the morning. They love to have their ears scratched and are thankful for the smallest things I do for them. Sometimes, when I think the day is going to suck , I have an animal make me laugh and forget about life and just focus on the small things. I'm very thank-full for my pets . They give me routine even when I reject the notion. They give me some structure when I reject that also. No matter what I do I have to take care of them regardless of how I feel. Sometimes they are my soul motivation to start my day.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My mood is a mixed mood. Which is a mix of depression and mania. I thought I was just suffering from SAD.(Seasonal Affective Disorder) The weather surely isn't helping matters either. When it is bright and sunny I'm up during the day and down in the evening. When it is grey and dark ,I'm bored and up . The evening down and dull like the sky. It has done nothing but rain and rain. It gets real old. Old like my mood. It will change but when I do not know. I was starting to get some sleep like a normal person before my sinus infection. I thought sickness would trigger more of my irregular sleep patterns. I'm now going to bed in the early evening and getting up at about 2-3 in the morning. What does one do so early in the morning, while others sleep? I try to be quiet and it is hard. I read a lot in the morning. I surf the Internet in the wee hours. I would like to do something else but not many things are quiet and wont wake someone up.
Routine is a thing of the past. Structure is a thing of the past in this mood also. I do what I feel like during the day. Sometimes that is a lot and sometimes it is nothing at all. I'm aware that I'm not the master of my moods lately and I need to get it under control. I need to put back some routine and structure into my life as it helps not only my moods but my sanity. I was fortunate to indulge in my photography this week-end and get lost. It was my mood that I was able to even see something to photograph. When I'm up I can see the silver lining in any subject and it speaks to me. It gives me motivation. When I'm down I just see a patch of grass that is dingy from the welting weather of fall. I just see a rodent in the sky , not a wonderful seagull that has alot of expression. It is funny how a bipolar person see's the world. It is either full of possibilities and is bright. Or it is painfully dull and void. It can at times be frightening also. Very much muddled and fragmented.
I just want to get back into a semi-routine. It is hard to get back to that point but I'm sure I will. I have been beating the all or nothing attitude. Which I have most of the time. Life isn't black or white . For me it has a lot of grey to it tinted all sorts of colours at times. It is time for me to just do it and get the things done in my life that I grapple with. It is hard and sometimes impossible for me to do. I trudge and trudge in the trench of this illness at times . The thing is I don't give up and I keep trudging until I get out of the trench of what ever is going on.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Going without electricity

Yesterday from 6am to 1pm the electric was out. It was a planned outage. I was dreading it. I thought what can I do from 6-1. Well, I had a lot of fun. In the morning I made sure I had a thermos of coffee and I was all ready to go for the day . After waking up and having coffee , I light candles all over the house and had coffee by candlelight. It wasn't so bad. I enjoyed the art of conversation instead of the computer, radio, and tv . I realized that I don't engage in much conversation in the morning and do my own thing. My partner and I went to town for the day. We had breakfast first and it wasn't so great but it was nice to eat. What spoiled it was a couple with kids let there children run around and shout. I didn't think it was cute at all. Then we went to the beach and it was nice and sunny. I'm really into photography and didn't know what subject I should photograph so I seen a flock of seagulls. Seagulls are real interesting to me and I ended up chasing around seagulls for about a hour. I think I must of looked real silly bent down and walking around like a gull. They sort of bob up and down and are flat footed. I got a nice work out. Ended up at another dock after that to take some more pics and just enjoy the view of the bay.
Finally went to town and did a little x-mas shopping for the in-laws. It is a start and was entertained mostly with people watching. I seen a lady with fishnet stocking and a mini-skirt on in the dollar store. I wondered if I could of bought her for a dollar. The dollar store is great killing time as they have a bunch of junk to mull through and stuff to give you a good laugh.
It was a nice day and very easy to start getting over being sick. I felt like I was getting cabin fever. I can be very easily amused.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Vacation from Myself

I haven't been feeling well for about three days. I think I have the beginnings of a sinus infection. Which doesn't sit well with my mood either as is seems to make my sleep off kilter. I was starting to go to bed like a normal person, (10-5) then this had to come along and wreck it. My head hurts all the time and I have had a pretty severe head-ache for days. Today, so far I don't have a bad head-ache but a dull ache in my head that I can tolerate. I might actually have some motivation if I didn't have my head ready to evaporate at any minute. It is like a migraine, My eyes hurt with the head-ache and my stomach does also. The only thing that has been tolerable is to lay down or sleep. Today, with a little reprieve I have been catching up with the newspapers and reading material. I miss the mornings where I have them by myself to drink coffee, blog, read, listen to music. The past few days I haven't much done anything except the bare necessitates. Which have been cook a meal and do dishes. I have tried occasionally in vain to do anything else when I have my sinus pills and Tylenol kick in. I have been not even thinking about what I should get done as I have had no motivation for anything. Instead, I just want some motivation and some wellness. I think I will get some motivation back when my head is straight from this possible sinus infection. I'm just to tired and drained to think about the mess of my life or this house. I'm convinced me taking time off of my life isn't going to effect it much . Actually, it has been quiet and uneventful. Which is nice treat. Sometimes, I feel like I think to much and this has been a nice time off from thinking and spinning my wheels. Not the best vacation in the world but a nice one from myself.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

It is easy to budject when you live in the middle of no where

It is so hard to find things in the town that I live in. An example is I bought a violet and can't find a violet pot for it . That is just one example. Even though they have some box stores (Walmart, Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Rona etc. I can't seem to find the things that I think I just have to have. It saves me a lot of money not to impulse shop because the things I do want I have to plan it out. I refuse to pay duty on anything because of the broker fees are insane in Canada and they just don't have all the variety as the states to shop on-line. Most of the time I prefer real stores anyway. I like to touch things and visual see them. It isn't the same to buy something with an enhanced picture and a blurb. I will always buy more books at a book store than on-line as I can see the different variety and think I can't live without it. I'm a shop-alcholic and like seeing a variety of things. Living here takes the wind out of me shopping as nothing really appeals to me. It is kind on my bank account though. When you only have two shoe stores, how many variety of shoes can one have. With one book-store that is tiny how many books can one have. Walmart doesn't much appeal to me but will do in a pinch. How much stuff can you own from China? Maybe, I shouldn't of asked that question since everything is being manufactured in China.
I'm bored with the small town life here and the other day booked a trip to a bigger city to overwhelm my senses. About every three months I need a break from small city living and giving the bank account a break. I get to see what the rest of society can't live without. I'm just trying to be a good consumer. In the USA they tell the citizens there to be good citizens by trying to spend more money to get the economy out of the recession. Well I want to be a good citizen in Canada and boost the economy of Ontario by shopping. It is easy for me to be civic minded this way.
Even though I do my share donating to legit charity's also. Why can't I help myself by helping by spending. As I see it it is a win situation for both the government and myself. So I look forward to my self indulgent trip. The funny thing about it though is after one of my trips, I look forward to getting back home. Sometimes , my senses get assaulted by so much variety and stimulation. Sometimes, limited choices are nice and it gets one away from impulse shopping. It makes me think more and have to really want something with limited choices to purchase it. I can live without most of the things the store and media tell me will make me a better hip person . The by product of living in a small community is it makes me less of a consumer. It is the best way to budget.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Today, I went shopping and went to the local nursery to buy some tulip bulbs. One of the final touches to get ready for winter. I found an pretty red tulip bulb called the Canadian Liberator. It has a very interesting story behind it. The Canadians liberated Holland in WWII. The story goes that , The princess of Holland and her family took refuge in Ottawa during World War II and, in 1943, Juliana gave birth to a daughter, Margriet, at the Ottawa Civic Hospital. The Canadian government declared the hospital room Dutch territory so the baby would be born a Dutch citizen. After the war the dutch government paid their gratitude by giving Ottawa tons of tulip bulbs. The Canadian Liberator enhances the colour of the Canadian Flag. Ottawa has a tulip festival every year developed from the gratitude of the dutch government. It also makes me proud to have this tulip rich in history in the yard. It reminds me of all the great sacrifices the soldiers gave to fight the Nazi's.
I also bought another very pretty type of tulip called the Toronto Tulip. It appears early in the spring and I really don't much now the history behind it but it is very pretty also. I look forward to digging in the dirt as soon as possible to get these tulip bulbs in.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Trying to regain balance and energy

My energy zapping things in my life are technology. I waste a lot of time on all mediums of technology. Facebook, Twitter,E-Mail , Surfing the Internet, Television, Blogging, and cell phones. Lately, I have been trying to cut them to a very limited time and get the things that actually need to be done in my life done. I managed to get a lot done today. I'm also a list and a spread sheet junkie. I love to try to manage my life with what isn't working. The saying of Nike Just Do It makes me get more done than ever. When I don't check all my devices I actually get stuff done. I also get fresh air. I managed to get so many things done to day without a list. I managed to winterize for the winter and got almost 99 percent of that done. The snow is no joke in this area and everything freezes solid. I didn't need a list to tell me it is going to rain for the next week and I better get off my ass. I also didn't need a list to tell me to clean up the kitchen or bathroom as I just hate those two things out of order. I learned from a sight the flylady which is a nuisance. If you want to find quick results of cleaning clean those two things and you can quickly see results. I might not being moving on this overwhelming clutter but I sure can see results with other things. Sometimes in life doing what you have to do and what you want to do will get you farther in the domestic realm. My slogan is just to get something done and stop dwelling on things I think I should do. Which I never do anyway. Sometimes just getting anything done is encouraging.
I also notice when I get fresh air I get alot done and fell better. I think humans need air daily and that is hard for some to get. I'm lucky the air I breathe smells so delightful at the moment. I smell the wood burning in the air. At the moment people are clearing trees and firing up their fireplaces. I also smell the earth turning into a graveyard of the seasons changing to the bare bones of nothing at the present moment. Everything is going back into the earth. Also with it raining I smell the dirt which is an actually a nice smell. All the things you can observe if you take time to take the time.

My funny brain

I have been thinking , what will I blog about. Most of the time, I don't find my life very interesting. Although it can be pretty crazy in a mental way and not a chaotic way at the moment. Generally, my mood of mixed (depressed & manic) doesn't appear and shows it's ugly head until the end of October and November . Now living in Canada and the weather being different, it seemed to trigger the seasonal delight faster. The weather has changed dramatically and I wouldn't see this weather until sometime in November where I used to live. Recently my brain has started to spin circles for half of the day . I just wish I could burn some calories from all the spinning my brain has been doing lately. Then the second half of the day it seems to be pretty asleep and dead. My brain tires it's self out and happily I take the much needed break. Yesterday by noon I questioned myself do I need to take some as needed meds to settle the beast of my brain down. I seemed to gity and making stupid jokes. As harmless as that sounds that can quickly escalate into something more obnoxious and ugly. I also was more than my irritable self at the same time. I could hardly sit down and was getting antsy and hyper. I thought to myself , I think I'm going to take some meds . I also asked my partner if my perceptions where correct about myself. Well they where and she told me nicely maybe you should take that little yellow pill. I generally don't take meds and only do when they are needed. I have pretty much been controlling my moods pretty well without being a victim of psych meds. Being a victim of psych meds is a whole separate blog into it's self . I'm just more stable if that can be possible without them and seem to live better. I do take one med as needed and do that only occasionally. It works for me and that is all that matters.
Back to my ramble. I needed my brain to slow down yesterday and was happy with the results of being able to relax and watch movies for most of the day. I debated whether to do something useful as enjoy the sunny day outside and convinced myself watching movies was more of a thing for me to do. Why you ask ? Well because it is pretty low key and doesn't trigger my mood to escalate any farther. That is when chick flicks are very welcomed in my living room. As much as I would like to deny that I watch chick flicks and fluffy movies I do watch them. Everyone needs light at times. I really enjoyed and laughed at this movie called He's Just Not Into You. It is crazy and humorous about the subject of social cues men give and how women interpret them . It seems in the movie most women don't accurately read the cues right. I found it very comical and thought I'm not alone trying in my journey to interrupt what is normal and what does that person really mean by this. I don't know what normal is and guess at it a lot. It just made me think watching the movie so called normal people question what is normal also. It also made me think how differently men and women communicate. Even though it can be stereo typical how women and men communicate. I have seen women communicate like the stereo typical male and men communicate in the stereo typical female fashion. I see so much grey area on how people communicate and it isn't always influenced by gender and more on a variable of factors. As the times change it seems the genders do also to a certain extent. Any way I found the movie to be entertaining as it addressed some issues in a comical way. It also made me think thank-god I don't date as it seems very complex and crazier than my own life. Relationships can be complicated enough without the added drama of guessing if the person is into you are not. I'm thank-ful that I'm in a relationship that I don't have to guess all the time and what the motivation behind things are. It is pretty straight forward. The things that make you think can be so mundane such as a movie as I really didn't think I would be provoked to think at all watching this. It got me through the day and I was thank-ful to relax and just Be for a change. It is nice to manage to be in the moment with what I do and not thinking about other things as I'm trying to do one thing at task.
Now back to drinking coffee this morning and enjoying the wee hours of the morning.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Facebook, The mindless and corrupting of true social interaction and life.

I have been thinking a lot about Facebook and other technology like twitter and the computer period. I'm separted from facebook at the time. I have found out that I have a dysfunctional relationship with this mindless time waste. I have been trying to figure out what the appeal really is. Why do I find myself wasting so much of my time on it. I had one friend tell me she had 500 friends that she doesn't even know in real life or talks to them either. Also, if she gets one more Farmville request she is going to divorce facebook also. I don't know if the developers of Facebook intended to make it into a sight really void of social interaction or not. It is so easy not to really communicate with the invent of Facebook or Twitter. You can communicate in short burst with a status update or a tweet. Not really even thinking. You dont even have to reply to a status update because you can just check a box that you like something without even saying actually why. I have came to the conclusion that these applications are so superficial. People used to complain where was the phone call anymore when the computer came along or where the letter in the real mailbox was. Now I ask myself where did the email go to? It is vanishing with the short burst and brainless invention of Facebook, Tweeter and Texting. I can now type a icon to tell you how I feel or maybe virtually tell you how much I like you with an application like grow a plant or sending hugs and hearts. I have found I no longer send real cards for b-days now. I have facebook send you a virtual cake and say Happy Birthday. I ask myself is this real social interaction or is it more superfical than I have ever thought. I have began to realize what was once fun is now boring and so superfical than I ever realized. I have spent so much time playing many mindnumbing applications and answering so many brainless quizes . I have started to ask myself where did my brain go. I have escaped from reality into virtual reality or is it any kind of reality ? I have used facebook to orginial connect with people and find myself actually with less of a connection than ever before. I'm to busy on facebook click , click , clicking on some stupid boring application. I have asked myself how did I get drawn into it. I'm still curious how intelligent people get sucked into such applications. Is it boredom? Is it a escape from life? Is it addicting? Is it peer pressure? I have alot of questions why other people do it and why society is becoming different in communication. I know for me facebook became away to escape my boredom and it was mindless when I didn't want to think about life. It was a little bit of peer pressure also with using applications as I wanted to please my friends by adding what ever they sent me whether I played it or not. I also found sometimes the connection with them but ended up not at all feeling a connection to any of the people on my friends list. What is going to be the next technology of escapism? People have been finding ways to escape the realities of life for as long as man has been on the planet. I'm just wondering what the new trend will be. Is this type of interaction here to stay? It just raises more questions for me than ever. What will dictonarys in the future look like? Will it have ways to define text lingo? Will everyone adopt a new way of spelling things? I know when I get a e-mail full of text lingo it makes me raise an eyebrow. Then again anymore I'm just thank-ful for an email in this day and age. I'm even guilty of just sharing vaguely what I think or what I'm doing with a status update or checking a box that I like something. The more I actually think , the more I think I'm going to divorce Facebook or at least take a real good sabbitcal from it and if I do go back use it to actually connect with people.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Pondering my life in Parry Sound

I was seating here this morning having coffee and writing in my moleskin. For those of you that don't know what that is , its a journal that is pretentious. Basically a plain journal that is black and simplistic. I would of been better off spending the money on a basic ruled notebook for a couple of bucks. I found this at a book store in this town. It makes me roll my eyes to go in their as the prices make me choke. I can get the same book at half the price on-line and have more of a variety. Oh they will order you things but you will wait longer than ordering them yourself. The perils of living in a small town. No variety and high prices. I try my best to shop locally but hell they don't offer much in Parry Sound. Even with what they offer I have found the town not very service oriented and pay no attention to details. I hardly eat out as it is an insult to my palate. Or it is just a plain insult to me as they don't have a clue about service. If I do go out to eat I expect nothing as I usually don't get much for what I pay. Even the Pizza Hut in town sucks. Went there and they burnt the pizza not once but twice. You would think it being a large chain they are all about the same. Not here , it is a joke. So, you wonder why I live here . I often do also. I live here because my partner is here. So , I guess you can say love. I do like the prettiness of the area but that wears thin at times when the town is a cesspool of rubes and small minded conservatives. I wouldn't notice as much but it is so small. It is like being in a little fish bowl which I really don't like. I really just stay to myself and that seems to work. It is lonely but I rather be lonely in this area. If I want something we drive along distance to find it or order it on-line. One thing in a perverse way this town teaches is independence because you can call some person to do some work and they never show or do half ass work. If you want something done right you will need to do it yourself or get shitty work and high prices to do it. The only thing I have found decent in this town is the butcher shop called Orr's. They do have great meat at decent prices. I often wondered how people ate meat around here when a tiny roast at the supermarket is about 10 bucks. Or two steaks for 20 bucks. I'm neither poor nor rich but at those prices it made red meat not much of an option until I found the butcher. I get fresh meat at low prices and better packaged. I could go on and on about how horrible this town is but I won't. I'm slowly getting adjusted by carving out my own niche. I have found satellite radio works, for movies, Internet so I don't become as fashion impaired as the locals. Also many trips out of the area to remind myself society does exist and I'm not in a vacuum of a voided place. I'm starting to like the sounds of nature and the erratic seasons they have. Tons of rain and I suspect tons of snow to follow this winter. Now to convince myself I can like it here. Most days on good days I just tolerate it. I tolerate it by trying to never go to town to do business with the local businesses or box stores which are a joke also as they are scaled down versions of the real thing. Trying to figure out what I will do with my boredom to day. Maybe take a walk and try not to get hit on this road as no one observes speed limits out where I live. I always feel like I'm going to be someones hood ornament. It was so much easier to make peace with it when I was just a seasonal resident and left every three months. Oh I just have to figure out how to cope with the lack of everything except it doesn't lack nature. It is wonderful for photography and to blog about how stupid the town is. I find it amusing at times to watch the people that have been born and never left this area and don't realize there is a world out there. Maybe, I'm stereo-typing but it is so easy to do in this area. I'm stereo-typed all the time in this town being an outsider and also being a lesbian. It is hard to miss the grimaces from some of the small minded people here. Oh well I grimace at the bad hair some of the people have here and the blue eyeshadow on a 50 year old woman with a beehive hair do. Or grimace at the drunks that hang out on the street smoking a cig outside the local dive bar begging for other peoples smokes. Actually, I just feel pity on those people. I guess things could be worse . I better stop getting myself worked up and just accept this shit hole today as it is easier when I tolerate it and not fight it.

Another Day

I have grown very intrigued with the concept of a blog. I haven't much in the past looked at individuals blogs and find them very interesting. I feel out of touch that I haven't in the past jumped on the bandwagon of the personal blog or blog period. I have embraced most things on the Internet and have kept up with the growing trends even though recently I'm very bored with some of them which included facebook,groups, twitter. What most appeals to me about reading blogs is that I find people interesting especially there lives. You can only get so much from a blurb on tweet or facebook. Status updates are so vague. The problem with facebook and twitter updates is that you can get a million little status updates to get anything and not much substance. I like more substance. I also love the idea of writing about things as mundane as they are sometimes. Sometimes, the mundane can tell you plenty about a person also. Most people aren't out there winning Nobel Peace Prizes or doing what some consider meaningful advocacy work. They are just regular people that have regular life's and have some insights.

What I do love about the Internet is a person never has to feel alone with a problem as I'm sure someone suffers from malady somewhere and all over the world. Over the years I have belonged to my fair share of Internet support groups and general groups. Some helpful and some not so helpful. Some of the more helpful ones where just general living. I seem to suffer from a living problem . I have came to that conclusion anyway. Which my mood swings seem to aggravate the way I live my daily life and causes problems at times how I view myself. I either view myself to highly or suffer from low self-esteem.
I was noticing yesterday when I was headed to town to go to the dump that I had a truck full of stuff that needed to be cleared out so I could load it with bags of trash. I was looking at the stuff I was unloading and thinking at the time I just had to have these things that I bought even though they have sat out in the truck (aka) storage shed for a couple of weeks. I came out with a roasting pan, media storage system , Wii, three pairs of shoes, various clothing from storage and previous travels, and finally knick knacks from my previous house. That is just the backseat and not the bed of the truck. Since this move I have been trying to organize this house and not to much avail when I keep bringing more in than I take out. It is real hard to try to combine two households. This house was at full capacity before I moved in. That is putting it nicely:) My partner is a clutterbug and trying now to take strides into improving that problem even though it isn't fast enough for me. Previously we shared two residences in two different countries for going on 7 years and took the plunge to combine them this year. It has been an adjustment for me to be in just one place and not travelling back and forth every three months. With not travelling back and forth I can focus more on just one house which has it's advantages and disadvantages. I miss my old house as it was organized and clutter free. It seemed bigger also. Hard to tell with all the clutter in this house how big it is. Last winter and I continue today to hit road blocks and seem stagnate at times how to progress ahead with clearing out the stuff that is what I term just junk and useless. I want things to be used and not just acquired which is hard when your a bipolar couple. The thing though through my travels back and forth from the states to Canada I learned was I was much less attached to my things. Especially, now with much of my things in storage , I seem not very attached to things what so ever. I do have my favorite things like my computer and music equipment but most things I'm attached to could fit into three bags. I never thought in a million years I could become detached from things. I seem to just want things that enhance my life now than trap me. If it doesn't get used it gets pitched. Which reminds me I need to do more pitching. It is also hard with my mood swings because I swear that someday I will do some type of project and it just never gets opened. I'm still working on it. For the things I cleared out of the truck they will get used but not soon enough . I don't feel like playing any game at the moment as that takes energy. Roasting pan, well I don't feel much like making a roast either. The storage system is great if it will ever get put together. I look at it this way, the first step with dealing with this stuff is just moving it into the house because I will deal with it probably when I get to a better place. That better place isn't coming soon enough though. One thing I have learned about moods they do change . I just don't have a crystal ball to tell when they will. Until then I will just tenderly trudge and make myself do what I can.

Friday, October 16, 2009

What a difference some sunshine can make.

I don't sleep on schedule anymore and have became a vampire. Sleeping during the late day and getting up in the wee hours of the morning. Hell, I'm used to wacky sleep. I'm bipolar and pretty much will get any sleep I can. Before, waiting to see if we would get sun today , I was talking to a friend and realized I'm not so indifferent as I thought I was. It was nice to get a little irritation out of me and not feel so much like a zombie. I also decided to not allow my self fall deeper into the abyss of depression. That I need to take all means necessary even if I don't feel like it. I never feel like doing anything anymore and realize that is an excuse to allow myself stay in the bogs of my despair. It isn't as easy as pulling yourself up by the boot straps but you do have to do things no matter how your feeling and it took me a lot of years to realize that and just not swing with my mood. I'm not totally off the rollercoaster but better at managing it at times. Like I made myself get fresh air today . It was a balmy 29f outside but so gorgeous with sunshine and the morning sunset. I really take the sun for granted except when it doesn't shine. It was so nice to see the frost on the ground and took the dogs for a romp down to the lake. I think they where as excited as I was to get a dry day so far. My depression is far from gone but I can see something bright once in awhile and hope no matter what I wont let my self sink to the bottom and can keep up with the trudging and find something good in life. My goal is to resume some of my plans today to get the house in order and if the weather keeps it up enjoy some of the sunlight. Maybe, go for a jog. It has been awhile since all the rainfall.

Fall Blues

Every season my mood changes with the weather. I suffer from assorted things but one thing that has been bothering me lately is (SAD) Seasonal Affective Disorder. With it being autumn and very rainy at the moment where I live , I have became more depressed lately. Trying to stay motivated but it has been very hard. My mood is as bleak as the grey weather lately. I have no motivation to do anything and have to make myself do the things I need to do in everyday life. It kills me because I have a ton of projects that really need to be done. I have plenty of time but use it to sleep lately. One good thing is that I haven't been negative but lulled into a void of grey where I don't really care one way or another about anything. I'm very much indifferent. Which if you know me I'm not indifferent to anything and pretty much have an opinion on everything. Back to my cave of dark again today as it is always raining and bleak outside. Hoping some sunshine will come my way at least for my mood.