Tossed Salad

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

Procrastination

I'm having an inability to focus this morning on any one thing. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done so my mind skips around. I really don't want to do anything today except relax. I have been making list and the shear amount of things I need to get done doesn't appeal to me. I'm a serious procrastionator and always have this slogan : (I can do it tomorrow ) The thing is tomorrow never comes for me. Because their is aways tomorrow:) I will get some things done today even if I don't go out. I always have a ton to do around the house. List tend to help me see exactly what needs to be done also. I always put what is absolutely urgent down. I know in my head what is urgent but list make it more concrete. I like making list also. I look back at my list in my little notebook or scraps of paper and it tells me a story months later of where I was at and where I'm now.

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was my first time meeting him. Before, that I went to see the nurse practioner. The doctor comes once a week to the outpost. I was very impressed with him. It has been awhile since a doctor hasn't been dismissive and has listened and listened. He asked questions and stayed silent to listen. I think my high blood pressure yesterday impressed him also as I have been half ass medicated for it for a couple of months. He wants to do some serious investigation before he puts me on anything more. But he did up my Cardizm to help with the chest pain and keep the high blood pressure level. He even recognized his/nurse practioners mistake about the one medication that had my potassium depleted and in ER. He said he has to understand how I metabolize better. I go to a specialist the 25th and start the intense testing that I have needed all along. The specialist and this doctor are going to work together to find the answers I need. I feel really relived as I really don't want a stroke or heart-attack. I feel like I'm getting some where which gives me hope. I'm doing the things I need to do also like exercising more , losing weight and cutting sodium. I still need to give up the smoking. I will do that but not right now as it helps me through this time in my life. I would totally go bat shit not having my smokes right now.

Even though I live in Canada , I don't enjoy socialize medicine as I still have to pay for it for so many years because of being sponsored. It doesn't bother me at all. I pay less than people in the states with an insurance deductable. It is very resonable and really don't feel like I should be a drain on the system either. Yesterdays doctors visit cost 30 bucks. When I had a cat scan I payed 700 not 9,000 that was charged to my daughters insurance when she had an accident. I'm very thankful for the healthcare in this country that doesn't leave me bankrupted or neglecting my health. When I see the nurse practioner it is based on donation for me. What ever I feel like giving. I always give a good sum though. I don't want to take advantage of the generiousty of the outpost. Many people I seen in this area arent very appreciative of the healthcare and sort of abuse it also. I guarntee you if their was a minimal charge they wouldnt show up with the flu or many other things that could be treated at home. I have heard people in the office not want to drive 20 miles either for free healthcare and get bitchy about it. I will drive 20 miles for decent afforable healthcare and not abuse the system. So many people take for granted many things they are entitled to. I hope I will always remember and be thankful for what my new country has gave me besided healthcare and that includes better civil rights than I had in the states. I'm starting to bleed maple leafs so I better stop.

I look forward to figuring out what I need to do as I feel better capable to deal with things even if it is overwhelming. I will probaly put around the house and get things done as I have to go to town tomorrow for a dental cleaning and combine everything tomorrow. I do need some relaxtion too as Rob-bear pointed out.
I want to thank my new blog followers for following this blog. I have found many interesting blogs lately with new followers and lurking on these blogs I have found more blogs also. It really makes me feel not so alone and heard. It puts a smile on my face to read blogs every morning with coffee whether I comment or not. I do pretty much keep up with everyone. I will also enjoy reading farther back on some of the new blogs I have joined. It really is nice to get a different view from reading blogs and cheaper than therapy:) I have got more out of blog land than years of therapy.