Smile

I have been thinking about blogging for at least the last 2 1/2 hours. I have had many . distractions. My morning has been very disorganized. I didn't even want to get up early this morning but the dog decided he wanted to eat and whined , winged , cryed until he got my attention. I was very irritated with him as it wasn't time. Once woke I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Half asleep and irritated I put on coffee and was topping off my nictone levels. I started to do my check facebook and blogger rountine I have every morning. I found a blog I read and it was refreshing to see something postive in the blogshephere of someone doing good. It made me want to start my morning and not be grouchy. It is something how postivey can be contagious.

One other example happened last week when J and I vistied a friend of J's that more than likely has terminal cancer. J's friend I will call S. S is so postive about her illness. S has been fighting recurrent and different cancers of the colon, liver and now lung for probaly the last 5 years . S has never been a smoker, drinker and has always took care of herself. Pretty much has lived a real healthy life. S is now recieving very intensive chemo at the moment. When we visited S had a little break from chemo because her blood count was low and has to take breaks from chemo. We arrive and was greeted. Served coffee and had a very nice visit with cake and everything. This is from a woman that doesn't even let cancer get her down but I can hardle make myself cook when I'm depressed or sick. When talking with S she will tell you she has a choice of how to handle her cancer and her life. She can be postive or negative. Telling you negative is so self defeating. She isn't Mary Poppins either with telling you she has bad days but accepts them and doesn't let them get her down. If she has to be in bed all day she trys to enjoy tv or the warmth and comfort of the bed. She doesn't beat herself up about what she isn't doing. S is a very social person and doesn't isolate either. It is a shame people that used to drop by don't drop by as often and I have seen when you get a dx. of anything people just don't know what to say to you and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

With S being so open as a person. It is very easy to be around S. S is an open book with her friends and you can't say the wrong thing. I found myself being not as guarded around S as I'm with most people. I was very comfortable and open myself and recieptive. Being around a postive person made me feel from so so to great. It made me forget many of my bitches of the day. It also made me think about how bad I isolate I think I can count on one or two hands how many people I have spoke to in the past year and a half. Most of those people would be service related people(hair dresser or massage) Had two people over to the house in the past year and haven't been to anyones house except in-laws and that is every 3-4 months. As, you see I isolate. This experiance makes me want to try harder with being more social. Also, not to use the excuse I stay in-touch with people via the computer or phone. Real face to face contact is what is needed with people. Having nice laughs and sharing coffee or tea. Engaging is activities with people. It also made me aware I used to not be socially awkard and isolating has made me socially awkard. It has made me want to take chances with people even if they bail on me.

Example: With this experiance I put myself out there. I got an e-mail saying an acquaitance wanted to run. I said sure and made a time etc. Even though I really didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn and run. I prepared the night before and got everything ready. I wake up early and check my e-mail. The person bailed on me saying she couldnt get to sleep in time so bailed. In reality looking at facebook this person flaked on me and had something else better to do. People be smart enough if you say something in e-mail don't be posting on facebook in the early morning and contradicting yourself. It really makes you look like an ass. This person I had a feeling was a flake and it just comfirmed it. Will I still ever go running with this person. Sure but I will never really trust this person and take everything as iffy. It turned out that morning it was storming like hell anyway. I would of just ran by myself as it was a good way to get me started again with running. My running has been so on and off this year. I really need a good boot in the ass to start again and I thought this would of been a great opputunity.

I have been so busy with living lately I haven't had time for running or much of anything else. That is another entry though.

Blogger isn't working correctly and I can't spell check or edit.

Hodge Podge

It is a nice cool morning. It is about 58F. it looks like it is going to rain. I put off my run this morning to it gets a little sunnier and most of the cars have went to work. I don't want to be a hood ornament. I have been trying to get back into running even though it has been tough for me to A) Make myself B) I need to work up my endurance . Right now my fast pace looks more like jogging. I'm just proud of myself for making myself. I never used to have to make myself run at one time. I loved it.

I have ordered some barefoot running shoes. I'm looking forward to them. They stimulate barefoot running without cutting your feet to shreds trying without protection. I have probably mentioned I hate shoes and socks. I wear socks every once in awhile or to a doctors appointment and that's it. Not even in the winter. I do like slippers though to keep my feet warm. I'm wearing my Aladdin slippers now. They really look like those cartoon slippers that are pointy. I got them when I went to art in the park this year but have been to hot to wear until recently. The artist that did them takes recycled everything to make other things. My slippers are made out of leather, upholstery and some sleeve off a jacket for my ankle. They are really whimsical. I'm a real sucker for anything whimsical. It makes me smile. Even the shoes I have ordered are three different colours.

I have been feeling better since I have spoke about my anger to J and resentments. It also makes me see I need to change and just do what I want even if it takes some pushing on my part. I have already looked up the weather for this week and decided from Friday to Monday is a good time to get a couple of games of golf in. Before the dogs died last year I played at least two -three times a week and had a membership to the golf club. This year I haven't even picked up my bag. It should be interesting how rusty I'm. I no longer take score and just try to improve my swing and have fun. I just compete with myself anymore. The more I take it serious and I'm not relaxed the worse of a game I have. I have no fun either.It is one way I don't take myself seriously anymore. Fun is way more important to me.

On the cleaning. I'm making a dent in this house but have a ton to do to get it organized like I would love it. My dead line is winter to get some stuff fixed also. I would love to redo my kitchen and bathroom. This week I will go price flooring and appliances. I actually have some money in a savings account for the kitchen even though it is a start it probably won't be enough and I will at least start some of it in the kitchen. The bathroom, we have some money we hope we can touch in a locked savings account and not have to pay a sizable penalty to get at it. The bathroom is just falling apart and really need to redo it asap. My home used to be my castle. I want it back to castle status. I spend the majority of my time around the house and backyard. I'm also trying to figure out how to justify a treadmill.

With the cooler weather, I'm getting a nesting instinct and even find myself cooking more. I'm nesting for winter. Winters can be hard and cold. I just really like cool and cold weather and it makes me more energetic.