Saturday, May 31, 2014


I thought I would blog today. It is a really nice day outside. My head is so murky though. It isn't like the bright sunny day with a crisp breeze. It is more of a muddled hole . It is more foggy with ominous black clouds.I have had so much anxiety lately. It is paralyzing anxiety where it renders me immobile and lifeless for the day or days.

We haven't had any appoinments this week . It has left me lacking motivation. I have no motivation to do every day living things most people do. I dread everything I do. I know logically, deep down this is a mixed mood. I need to get a handle on it quickly.

I have been sleeping more. That is a plus. I have had to drug myself pretty well for this part. It also is helping my brain process things better and not be so freaking paranoid and jumbled. I have been feeling very fragmented lately.

When, I feel fragmented, it is very hard for me to do many task. I have been trying real hard to rely on my list that I try to take and adhere to. List are very important to me. I break down my task that I have to do.

Lately, I have been planning on a trip we are going to take Tuesday for 5 days. It is our 10th wedding Anniversary. We will be renting a lighthouse . It sounds romantic and cool. Well, it is neat but I'm procrastinating till the last minute to get ready.

I'm not even sure why we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary . Our marriage has been just full of crap to be honest. I love J but our marriage has been less than perfect and on many occasions disastrous. I even wanted a divorce last year. Btw, things haven't got any better but I have learned to accept some crap that I haven't wanted to. We are now stuck together with J's declining health.

I have accepted a marriage with no intimacy of any sort.(been going on for several years) We are still friends . We would be better off as just friends. We still laugh occasionally. We fight still but it generally ends up with someone isolating. We dream of a better future . The reality is not so kind though. The plans we make now a days are more like remodeling the house to be more handicap accessible.

Maybe, for those five days , I won't think about the past. I will embrace the beauty that surrounds me. I will detach like I have been doing and do my own thing. The shitty thing was I was forgiving the past and something real stupid came up and all of a sudden I'm resentful as hell. I put it past me to bring it back to the raw again.

I have to get back to my center again because I hate being pissed about the past.  I have to reclaim my central mood again where I deal with what ever life gives me and of course smile sometimes.

Sunday, May 25, 2014


I'm here sitting waking up. The coffee helps somewhat to form my thoughts. I'm jumbled with all kinds of information and I'm having a hard time making it into coherent thought. Basically, my brain is tired. My mind has been very busy lately. I'm a goal oriented person believe it or not. Give me a project and boom , I get it done. Somethings in life are just not projects and it throws me a little, till I rework it , in my mind to be like a break down of a list. A simple to do list .

At this moment , I play a lot by ear. Plans can be interrupted at anytime. Plans can be hard. It is just not as easy as getting packed to go somewhere and going. J is disabled now and it takes a lot of work. When I plan something it has to be totally handicap accessible.

My point, we went to see Chelsea Handler show at a casino. It took planning. I had to spend extra money to put insurance on the tickets. I ordered them back in February. I had to book a refundable hotel room . I had to make sure it had a room also that we could access. I had no idea when I booked everything if J would be died or alive. Or mostly, if J would be well enough.

We had a awesome time seeing Chelsea Handler. It was a riot. We laughed so much. We for a moment where best friends again. No arguing or bickering.  I even forgot the tickets in the room . Nothing would cause irritation and it was as next to perfect. We took a real limo over to the show from the hotel. They provided an out dated limo . It is hilarious. We felt like we where old pimps getting out of the huge white retro limo. Except, I had to go back in the huge retro limo to get the tickets. I left J in her wheel chair outside the casino.

We made it to the show. The worry where to put the wheel chair ended when a nice attended came over and said we could check it with her . It was awesome. I ask myself what sort of person steals wheel chairs and other mobility devices. Real low lifes. I guess mobility devices are huge money. We paid 300 just for a transport chair. That is cheap compared with what other mobility devices cost . It is a racket, medical equipment.

The show lasted about 2 hours. She had an opener first. He was so funny also. After, the show it was so crowded. It is sort of hard to push a chair in a crowd. You really have to concentrate not to hit people and their heals. People aren't even aware that your there. They dart in and out and sometimes you have to come to an abrupt stop giving J whip lash because some oblivious  asshat jumps out in front of the chair.  I'm getting better at navigating. Thank god , I was in a good mood or the asshat might of got  rammed and ran over.

Even the ride back was better because I really tipped the driver to be more accommodating. The first time going over there he was having a hard time with the chair and had the trunk swinging open to fit the chair and begrudgingly put the chair in the trunk. Suggested we get one from the casino. I had to explain to him she actually needed it to even get back to the room etc. It is deceiving because she can walk some and get into a car herself. That is about it though. He was kind after that. I tipped him real well dropping J off and taking me back and forth. So when he saw us again he was about tripping over himself to do a real good job. Even set up her chair to present her when she got out of the limo. It is funny what money will do to motivate people.

I have a very hard time with crowds and casinos. Casinos trigger a mini mania for me. Everything shines, twinkles and is so loud. The decor even over stimulates me. Just about everything overstimulates me in a casino. I had to smoke up before I went over there. Just to handle all the things that are bad for me and gives me that horrible anxiety ridden feeling. In the past , to deal with the casino, I would hit the bar at the casino. Next thing you know I have that zombie slot face. Then J would yell at me to stop gambling and drinking. She would also yell at me because I would have to see every section of machines, trying to figure out the best return for my buck. They don't have the best return for your buck in a casino.

I managed to stay out of the bar and no where near a slot machine. I didn't even eat at the casino. Opting for a bag of Arbys in the hotel room. We just laughed and talked till we went to bed. For that evening, I was in love again. It really felt like a date. I had all the feelings I had when we first got together. It truly was a good day.

Reality, set in the next day. J was so exhausted and has been in bed off and on since we have came back. It takes a lot out of J to do anything.

We have another trip planned for our 10th Anniversary for the first week of June. That will be more sedate at a lighthouse over looking Lake Huron. Lots of taking in the water, bush and boats. It should be restful.

I hope this post was somewhat coherent. I'm a better blogger in the afternoon. haha

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Help

I love the morning. It is so quiet in the house except for the occasional meow or dog wanting to go outside. It is my time of day. I have no demands at all this time of day. I have actually missed my early morning routines. I started to watch murder mysteries with J instead of going to bed early.

When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.

Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My  tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard  how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is  a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.

J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J  burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.

I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.

Friday, May 9, 2014

I'm Back

I don't know where to start. If anyone has noticed, I have been gone for over 5 months. Short and sweet my life fell apart. We had a very brutal winter. I just came down from one hell of a mania this winter and crashed. To top it off my spouse has been very very ill and is dying. I have been learning to cope with it. It hasn't been a easy ride. Plus , I cope with chronic pain myself and taking care of J is so exhausting to my body.
     My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.

The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far  to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.

I have  tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through  another day .

One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and  be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety.  I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.

More later.....