I thought I would blog today. It is a really nice day outside. My head is so murky though. It isn't like the bright sunny day with a crisp breeze. It is more of a muddled hole . It is more foggy with ominous black clouds.I have had so much anxiety lately. It is paralyzing anxiety where it renders me immobile and lifeless for the day or days.
We haven't had any appoinments this week . It has left me lacking motivation. I have no motivation to do every day living things most people do. I dread everything I do. I know logically, deep down this is a mixed mood. I need to get a handle on it quickly.
I have been sleeping more. That is a plus. I have had to drug myself pretty well for this part. It also is helping my brain process things better and not be so freaking paranoid and jumbled. I have been feeling very fragmented lately.
When, I feel fragmented, it is very hard for me to do many task. I have been trying real hard to rely on my list that I try to take and adhere to. List are very important to me. I break down my task that I have to do.
Lately, I have been planning on a trip we are going to take Tuesday for 5 days. It is our 10th wedding Anniversary. We will be renting a lighthouse . It sounds romantic and cool. Well, it is neat but I'm procrastinating till the last minute to get ready.
I'm not even sure why we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary . Our marriage has been just full of crap to be honest. I love J but our marriage has been less than perfect and on many occasions disastrous. I even wanted a divorce last year. Btw, things haven't got any better but I have learned to accept some crap that I haven't wanted to. We are now stuck together with J's declining health.
I have accepted a marriage with no intimacy of any sort.(been going on for several years) We are still friends . We would be better off as just friends. We still laugh occasionally. We fight still but it generally ends up with someone isolating. We dream of a better future . The reality is not so kind though. The plans we make now a days are more like remodeling the house to be more handicap accessible.
Maybe, for those five days , I won't think about the past. I will embrace the beauty that surrounds me. I will detach like I have been doing and do my own thing. The shitty thing was I was forgiving the past and something real stupid came up and all of a sudden I'm resentful as hell. I put it past me to bring it back to the raw again.
I have to get back to my center again because I hate being pissed about the past. I have to reclaim my central mood again where I deal with what ever life gives me and of course smile sometimes.