The Sun Shining On Me

Daylight savings times has been a little hard on me. I have not adjusted yet. I haven't changed my clocks yet. I probaly will today. The days seem to go so quickly. I had such a nice day yesterday. It was so sunny and bright. I basked in the sun yesterday. Soaking up every little ounce of sun. The lake looked like a skating rink with the ice so smooth. The snow was so white. I could also feel the sun on my face.
I used my Green Egg yesterday also. It was so hard to get open from it being froze up even though I have stored it proper. I ended up dropping down a firestarter down it to make it open. I managed to bbq a steak and a nice feed of different sausages. It was nice to only have to cook one time yesterday.

I sat outside for hours yesterday even though it was somewhat cold after awhile. It was about 0 celsius and 32 F. I ended up playing with Daisy a lot yesterday. It was also nice training oppurtunity for the puppy. Daisy, is about anywhere from 55lb to about 65lbs now. She is almost 6 months. She is a big strong girl. I'm feeling the aches and pains today from rolling her around and chasing her in the snow. The snow is so soft now. We still have from about a foot and a half to two feet left. I just sink in the snow when playing in it. It is very hard to trudge through it. I would say about 2 weeks ago it was a hard crust you could walk on. Much easier to play with the dog and not be up to my hips or knees. Anyways, it was a bright cheery day and I love and cherish my sunny days. I'm also happy that I can be active with the dogs. The older one that is eleven doesn't really like to play.

I look forward another sunny day today. It is going to be a little warmer hopefully. Just a tad warmer. I really don't care how warm it is at the moment. I do care about how sunny it is though. I have to go to the store today and I'm going to make a small trip and not spend the day getting supplies as it isn't going to be sunny all week. I think it has been predicted to rain and snow this week. The weather is really crazy and I so look forward to spring and the thaw ahead. Remind me I said I like a thaw as everything will be muddy and yuck.

The weather is really helping me get through some personal situtations at the moment also. J is going through a major med change and that hasn't been the easiest on either one of us. I think it has been tough for J but will keep on getting tougher. J has probaly over a month of time to go for this major med change. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the future. It has seemed though in the past none of the med changes has really worked or if they did it was short lived. J has been on meds for about 15 years. Some good years and some very bad years. Our relationship has been strained for sometime and med changes don't make it better. I'm just hoping J will feel better in the long term and that will fix a lot of our problems. It is also a good time for me to focus on what I can do to take care of myself. I'm less resentful when I do focus on what I can do and not worry about J and J's mental health. J has for alongtime been trapped in J's head and not real active at all. It is like pulling teeth to get J to do anything. Somedays, I don't adhere to my own advice but today I can't change anything so I'm just going to accept what is happening. It makes it easier to deal with and less lonely. I have a lovely sunny day to look forward to. I have energy to burn in the sun that makes me less anxious and in a more postive mood.

Season Change...Mood Change

I can feel autumn in the air. The pretty colours of the trees are bright. Yellows, reds, gold and burgundy light up the landscape. It has been nice and sunny lately. Every wonderful fall something happens that isn't so wonderful. My mood changes and not for the better. My mood picks up to only drop into a nasty vicious mixed mood. I'm not mixed at the moment but I know it will come by November and stay until about Januarary. My moods are highly predicatable but not the severity.

I try to busy myself waiting for the other shoe to drop off . I know I will be paralyzed with depression and mania. I plan for this mood and try to take the burden off some of the things I have to do. It isn't working like I want it to at the moment as I'm so scattered. I try to get things done anyway. I prepare for the winter and also as I prepare for the winter I prepare for things to come such as becoming a hermit for months and not wanting to get out. I'm hoping to possible get my SAD light next week. If it doesn't come through I will buy one as I don't want to suffer the light changes that make my moods worse. I have already started on my vitamin D and a complex B vitamin to give me some natural energy as my energy is a flip of a coin on any given day. I really need to start my exercise back up also. I have been trying to be real structured as it is real important bracing for the blackness that I experiance. All, the little things count . I tell myself that anyway. Just like seasons come and go . I know my moods come and go also.

Ramblings of a mad woman

I have been sitting here reflecting over this past week. I love the morning as it is so quiet around the house . I drink my coffee and listen to the local radio at low volume. The local radio station really stinks but it gives local news and the weather. Sometimes, there contest amuses me. It generally is a simple trivia question or a clip of a song from the 60's 70's or 80's to guess at. What makes me giggle is the prizes won. I think you win a water bottle and get your name thrown in for a end of a week raffle for a buffet at the local Chinese food place. I'm used to radio stations giving better prizes. Oh what fun it is to live in a small tourist town.
I have been doing OK this past week. I have had productive days and not so productive days. I still struggle with daily life but it is getting better. I tell myself that anyway. I managed to run four days out of the seven. I wanted to run every day. I find the motivation to run hard. Actually, I find the motivation to do most things hard lately. It hasn't been so bad though and I have got a lot of things done. I think I want to have the feeling of natural motivation but it isn't going to happen. Sometimes, it is like pulling teeth to get me to do the things need to be done. It is even harder for J to get anything done and that is what I'm struggling with lately. J does nothing except sleep and drink and it is getting on my nerves. I hate being totally responsible for everything. I could bitch and whine about J but it solves nothing. I'm pretty irritated with J lately though. I know in time it will get better but the thing is when. It has been about three crazy weeks with J. It was just getting better until we received Flora's ashes back in an urn the other day. It is very morbid and I will have to look for a place in the house where the urn isn't in our face. I would of preferred her ashes in a box to be buried in the back yard. I wouldn't mind burying the urn but it seems pretty expensive to just bury.
Anyway, I hope this weeks weather holds up . I want to get on with life. I really don't care what else is going on with anyone at the moment . I have to take care of myself. I need to get back to golfing, swimming, and projects around the house. Being mentally ill myself and having to take care of someone that is mental ill can often take a toll. The best thing anyone that takes care of someone that is having episodes is to take care of their selves. I'm not getting in the middle of any crap and that is when I detach. In the past I have tried to stop taking care of everything and it backfires on me as some things just drive me nuts and I have to do them because it effects my life and comfort. I just won't be doing extra things or go out of my way to do things. My life has to go on even when life seems to be unfair lately.

Sometimes you just have to get back to basics Bipolar 101

Sometimes, I just need to get back to basics with being Bipolar. That is sleep,eating right, exercising and having me time to heal. Basically taking care of myself. I have been dxed since I was 27 and I'm now almost 37. It has been a long ride for the past 10 years. I also no longer beat myself up for the things I don't do and just take things in stride lately. I'm really trying to beat getting to the hole I'm heading into. I'm also trying not to speculate about the future as I have no control over it and I tend to be a control-freak. I can't control anything of other peoples or even much of my own shit. I try to take it a day or sometimes a hour or a minute at a time. My mood basically sucks and it isn't going anywhere soon. I don't feel like doing anything lately and that doesn't give me an excuse anymore to stop trudging with doing what I need to do. I used to tell myself I couldn't do it. But in all honesty I just didn't want to do the things that make me well. I don't have to feel good to make some strides and take care of myself.
With no energy except the anxiety I took a short jog which made me feel better temporally. I cooked today and had three meals today. I ate a healthy salad and started my extra vitamins. I relaxed today and listened to my favorite music as loud as I wanted and made more play list. I acknowledge the feelings that have been bothering me even though it more less takes time to get over some of the stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I also escaped into magazines today and was trying to distract myself. Most importantly I have a very good friend that will talk with me and I talk to her about her problems. It is always nice to have support . I'm still working on a support system since I have moved over a thousand miles from mine.
I also bought me a Bose docking system as a treat for putting up with life. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in awhile. I also thought I would extend the niceness to taking care of myself with giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I also did a cheap facial and felt relax for awhile. Sometimes , I ignore my appearance and need to remember that is important to have these things done and it boost my ailing self-esteem even when I'm not into it. It is building stones to help me get where I want to be. It is a never ending battle and some days it is as level as it gets but it isn't a cure. Somedays you just need to take a day off and do things for yourself.