Monday, March 28, 2011

I felt like a balloon.

I'm up very early this morning. I wanted some time to wake up and drink coffee by myself. I had a weird day yesterday and I'm glad it is over and today is a new day.
I finally decided yesterday to push myself so I wouldn't have any regrets not doing anything. I went out and had sushi and sake. I took a nice walk trying to find somewhere to eat when I found this sushi place. It didn't look like much but it was real nice inside. My head was void of decision and it isn't a place where you want your head void of decision. I was still suffering from a lot of anxiety still. I was handed this over-whelming menu. It was a place where it is all you can eat. You order as much as you want and eat and order more when you finish what they brought to you. The menu had your typical Japense menu from appetizers,entrees, and different types of sushi rolls. I stuck to the sushi and soup. I sat there for awhile eating and thinking. I had mainly butterfish, eel, crab and red snapper. I had some other rolls but I can't think of the names. I also had some real good hand rolls. I ended up eating to much and I ended up bloated and sick for most of the rest of the day. I had the attitude I payed for all this I'm getting my monies worth.
Bad attitude. My stomach doesn't like to be stuffed at all. The night before I had an appetizer of some of these chicken bites that where called snake bites. They really did have a real bite to them. Between spicy and to much , physically I was a mess. I felt so sick and uncomfortable. My body doesn't much care for anything that is from a restraunt anymore. It really hates fried food also as I have been noticing. I really don't fry hardle anything at home or use the amount of salt they use . I don't think my stomach likes cucumber either as it produces so much gas. It seems when I eat out anymore it makes me real uncomfortable and sick. It amazes me how places can make things that are healthy so unhealthy. Also, how everything is processed and ladden with salt. I think I will find a salad tonight. My stomach screams vegetables that are steamed or raw. It says hell no to starch and fried food.

I ended up getting sicker and sicker as the day progressed. I did end up taking a taxi to do some shopping. I made up only shopping at one store. It was a nightmare for me because I was scattered. I was in the taxi and my phone rang. When the phone rang I was taking out my wallet to get the money. I got distracked. I couldn't see I took it out. Got to the place and couldn't find the wallet. I made the taxi turn around and take me back to the hotel. Went in the hotel and couldn't find my wallet. I was in a panic . Went back down to the taxi with a cheque book hoping dear god , hope he will accept a cheque. Looked in the back by my purse and right there was my wallet. I could of died. Get back in and have him take me back again. The price of one fair ended up costing me three cab fairs. Which is all the cash I had on me by the time I tipped him. I thought surely I could find another atm somewhere. I prefer taxi's that accept Visa and Debit. I ended up really rattled by the time I got in the store. At first, I started to walk around like a zombie. I heard a little voice in my head that told me to get it together and shop because I don't generally have the oppurtunity at home. (selection) I ended up a little more focused. I did no impulse shopping at all because I had to stay focused to even shop because of the anxiety. I ended up with crytsal wine glasses, a wok skillet for my bbq, towels and washclothes, and some kitchen utensils. Not real fun things to shop for. I had these awkard bags to carry. I thought I was going to have to walk awhile to find an atm for the taxi. I knew J was almost done with a meeting and driving back to the hotel. I phoned and to my luck J was just pulled in at the hotel. I had J pick me up. It took about 5 minutes to get picked up. I was very happy because when it is 20F and windy, it tends to be cold. By the time we got back to the hotel, I was just totally done with the day. My head felt like it could explode and like it had to much stimuli and overload. My stomach felt like crap and felt like I could explode. I took some anti-acid and anti-gas medication. Laid down. I didn't feel up to going with J down stairs and having a drink. I watched the broken tv and tired to just shut down. At the time I was wishing I was a computer that could reboot. I got it together to be pleasant the rest of the evening. J came back from having an appetizer and a couple of drinks. Informs me that we are moving rooms. I wasn't thrilled. I really didn't say anything. J says don't worry , I will move everything. Then I really didn't care that we where moving. I was just happy it he room right next to us and I for once didn't have to handle my complaints to the front desk and the move. I complained two times to have the tv fixed that day. It was just so nice to have the assertive J back. The postives of reducing meds. It is like I'm getting the person I married back.

It turned into a quiet evening of old movies and sleep. I went to bed pretty early and feel pretty good today. My stomach is back to normal and my head is OK this morning. I will see what today brings.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

To many choices

I'm sitting in a hotel room today. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. I'm not really wanting to do anything except watch t.v , eat, drink and sleep. I'm tired today and really have no energy what so ever. I was an hurting a lot after loading and packing everything yesterday. A five hour drive yesterday just left me totally wiped out. I really can blame myself for being so tired yesterday because I left everything basically to the last minute again. I did do somethings to prepare for this but left a lot of the harder things to the last minute. Also, the puppy was a mess yesterday. It got into something so I had to bathe it in the morning before boarding it. Nothing like a playful huge puppy pulling on you in the bathtub in the morning. I was pretty dead after scrubbing the puppy. I thought to myself why am I even doing this when she is going to probably stink like a kennel when I pick her up.

We ended up in Cambridge in the evening since I left the big parts to the last minute. J helped a tiny bit this time. More than J has done in a couple of years. I was shocked. Usually, it all up to me to get us both packed and everything planned. I was so overwhelmed yesterday I wanted to say I'm staying home. I had to push myself and talk to myself. I told myself , just a little bit more and your done. I even lied to myself and said I probably will enjoy all my time. The truth is I will enjoy probably today and that is all. I have in-laws for two days. I love them but they are so elderly they need a lot of help. Which means we will be super busy. Also, means we are going to have to put up with J's senile demented mother also. I smile and try to be nice but it gets old and is very sad to be around. I here the same thing repeated all damn day long and it makes me want to tear my hair out. It drives J crazy also because well it is her mother. It is a sad thing to witness even though it very stressful. We have other appointments for the next two days also. We have to take our truck in to get repaired at the dealership since the dealership in our town are lazy incompetent assbags. The other is for eye glasses.

I'm trying to get the energy to do something fun today. I like shopping but I'm not much into catching a taxi all over the place. J is at a meeting today. I have the day by myself. Part of me is so afraid to spend. J is in a good mood and gave me her Visa card. I should be thrilled. If I can ever get my butt moving or had any motivation today I would be happy. I'm in moving in very slow speed today. Ironically, I pretty much cleaned the room today. I really don't like the maid to do anything except make the bed and take out the trash. I hate people in my things. I also set out my clothes today. I decided to really get fixed up. I really like getting all spiffy. Maybe, when I clean up I will feel like going out. I also dread I have to get the t.v. here fixed before I go and also might have to move rooms. I called down stairs and it won't be until this afternoon it will get looked at. We don't get all the good channels. J about flipped last night as she wanted to watch TCM. I call it the old movie channel. I just know it better be fixed when J comes back this afternoon. I could care less really as I don't care about the tv as much. I would like to watch the food network though. I don't get that at home. I get a lot of ideas from cooking shows. When I'm in a good space I love to cook.

I keep on thinking what to do today. I feel so indecisive about all the choices I have. I have so many choices today it gives me anxiety. I know if I push myself and breath in and out I will get my head together. Plus, probably if I walk to some of the places I want to I will release the anxiety from the exercise. Nothing like a brisk walk on a cold day. I will blog later as I have so much in my head and this is getting long.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Here Comes Spring

I thought I would write since it has been a week or over. I haven't felt like writing with my screwed up computer. It is pretty messed up . The worst thing about it is the space bar is messed up. The cat spilled the last little drops of a soda on the keyboard. I tried cleaning it and popped off the space bar and it has never been the same. I also have many many errors on my computer. It is pretty old anyways. I could use J's but I don't want to sit in the computer room. Basically, I'm lazy and have a ton of excuses why I haven't been keeping up.

I have been busy off and on this past week with spring cleaning. I have actually enjoyed it for a couple of days. I still have tons to do. I have a lot of organizing to do and decluttering. I need to be able to get rid of stuff here so I can clear out storage and not have to pay for it. I hate paying for storage. I have became more frugal in the past 6-7 months and budject minded. I have always went back and forth with being cheap and frugal. It seems more necessary with all of our debt and bill load. Two people being bipolar can really rack up debt. It really helps living by a small town with not spending. It also helps because no one is really fashion conscious either. Keeping up with the Jones here is about who has a cool 4x4, snowmobile, huge ass dock(mine is small) , or monster house. The monster house is for the people that have a second home that they call a cottage. Who I can thank for driving up property tax around here.

I managed to order some more meat at the butchers. I ordered a front of a cow , pork and chicken. I try to order here ahead of Victoria Day as after that meat gets more expensive due to the kick off of summer and tourism. The beef hangs for 3 weeks so it is nice and aged. It is actually so much cheaper to go to the butchers and the quality surpasses anything you would get at a grocery store. I also get them to package it up in packages that 2 people would eat. It is nice to have it all wrapped up in butcher paper. No freezer burn. I can buy organic less than beef that isn't also. It really does taste a lot different. What I really love is less trips to the grocery store. I always have something on hand. I hate lugging groceries and grocery shopping. I like shopping but not for groceries.

I have also planned a trip to see my in-laws. The weather has been so miserable this winter we haven't seen them since November. My mother in law turns 91. We planned to see them for two days but will be in that town for four. It gives us time to do what we want. I'm getting excited as I haven't went this long without a mini-vacation in a long time. I depend on getting to the city. Like I have said this town is very backward. I can't even find stationary. It really is just the basics in this town. I could order on-line and I have for things. It is just not the same touching and feeling things. Also, I'm cheap and hate paying brokers fees. I try my best to shop Canadian sites but they are so lacking compared to the commerce sights in the USA. I really like being in a store though. I can't wait till this week-end even though I don't have a clue what I'm going to buy except stock up on pet food that is cheaper in that area. Also, stuff like spices that I can't find here. Basically household stuff that is hard to find or not offered. I will also be looking at computers. The prices make me choke. Even the cheap ones. The thing is I use one everyday and probably addicted to one. It really is my life line. I do everything on a computer.
I don't want to think about the cost of this upcoming trip. Even doing it on the cheap is expensive. I have been so good about not spending in the past 6-7 months. I think I will try my best but spend like I haven't in months. It scares me a little. I'm just glad they won't be having a motorcycle convention in town . I could see me coming home with one. Or they don't have a Harley store. I can blow a lot of money on clothes . I spent so much money last year in one they gave me a laptop backpack as a gift.

Well, I guess I should get busy with getting a ton done today. I have a ton to get done before we leave and just a ton of stuff that has not been done in awhile. it really makes me feel better being more active and gradually I'm coming back

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Sun Shining On Me

Daylight savings times has been a little hard on me. I have not adjusted yet. I haven't changed my clocks yet. I probaly will today. The days seem to go so quickly. I had such a nice day yesterday. It was so sunny and bright. I basked in the sun yesterday. Soaking up every little ounce of sun. The lake looked like a skating rink with the ice so smooth. The snow was so white. I could also feel the sun on my face.
I used my Green Egg yesterday also. It was so hard to get open from it being froze up even though I have stored it proper. I ended up dropping down a firestarter down it to make it open. I managed to bbq a steak and a nice feed of different sausages. It was nice to only have to cook one time yesterday.

I sat outside for hours yesterday even though it was somewhat cold after awhile. It was about 0 celsius and 32 F. I ended up playing with Daisy a lot yesterday. It was also nice training oppurtunity for the puppy. Daisy, is about anywhere from 55lb to about 65lbs now. She is almost 6 months. She is a big strong girl. I'm feeling the aches and pains today from rolling her around and chasing her in the snow. The snow is so soft now. We still have from about a foot and a half to two feet left. I just sink in the snow when playing in it. It is very hard to trudge through it. I would say about 2 weeks ago it was a hard crust you could walk on. Much easier to play with the dog and not be up to my hips or knees. Anyways, it was a bright cheery day and I love and cherish my sunny days. I'm also happy that I can be active with the dogs. The older one that is eleven doesn't really like to play.

I look forward another sunny day today. It is going to be a little warmer hopefully. Just a tad warmer. I really don't care how warm it is at the moment. I do care about how sunny it is though. I have to go to the store today and I'm going to make a small trip and not spend the day getting supplies as it isn't going to be sunny all week. I think it has been predicted to rain and snow this week. The weather is really crazy and I so look forward to spring and the thaw ahead. Remind me I said I like a thaw as everything will be muddy and yuck.

The weather is really helping me get through some personal situtations at the moment also. J is going through a major med change and that hasn't been the easiest on either one of us. I think it has been tough for J but will keep on getting tougher. J has probaly over a month of time to go for this major med change. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the future. It has seemed though in the past none of the med changes has really worked or if they did it was short lived. J has been on meds for about 15 years. Some good years and some very bad years. Our relationship has been strained for sometime and med changes don't make it better. I'm just hoping J will feel better in the long term and that will fix a lot of our problems. It is also a good time for me to focus on what I can do to take care of myself. I'm less resentful when I do focus on what I can do and not worry about J and J's mental health. J has for alongtime been trapped in J's head and not real active at all. It is like pulling teeth to get J to do anything. Somedays, I don't adhere to my own advice but today I can't change anything so I'm just going to accept what is happening. It makes it easier to deal with and less lonely. I have a lovely sunny day to look forward to. I have energy to burn in the sun that makes me less anxious and in a more postive mood.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Smell Of Plastic

I thought I would blog today even though it feels if my brain feels like a marshmellow this morning. I have been going through my morning rountine of coffee, breakfeast etc. I have felt like I have been going through slow motion this morning even though I have got some things done. I have made my shopping list today as there is no way I could remember what to get at the store without one today. Usually, I just make mental list. I even wrote my pen-pal today. It seems like I like to write him on fridays.

I have had to start back on the haldol not long ago. I really hate taking meds and rarely do except when I'm loosing it. I generally do fine without meds. I feel dead on haldol. It isn't such a bad thing when you suffer from psychois from time to time though. I suffer from ol factory halluniations at times. I basically smell things that aren't their. The other day I smelt plastic burning when their was no plastic burning. It through me for a loop as I checked and checked and I just told myself I was insane and took a couple of pills and layed down. I have been fine since. Looking back I could see I was about to come unhinged. I could see every little noise bothered me really bad. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was chewing something. Not good manners but she was trying to hurry and talk at the same time. It drove me nuts to hear chewing where I usually can ignore it. The other daya I was at a massage and the therapist was chewing gum the whole time and it drove me nuts. I don't really get bothered if I'm not off. Off, is polite for insane. My patient level is not very high either. I was cooking a simple meal of ziti and sauce and about had a melt down. I did though finish it and went to bed. I have been keeping my mouth shut best to my ability with a lot of people in my life. I really don't want to say things that are hurtful that I can't take back.

I feel better today. My head sort of feels empty and foggy but I'm fine. I just wish it would stop raining and snowing. The weather is crazy. I really could use some sun and some motivation that I get from seating outside in the sun. I really don't care how cold it is but I do care if the sun is shining to be able to soak it up. I need the sun for my soul. I have an appoinment to go today. I also hope to get a little shopping done.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Hiding Under A Rock

I feel like I have been living under a rock for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had much of anything to really say. I have had things to say but I have been very quite. I haven't spoke much to anyone. I think if my foggy brain serves me right , I hardly said one word in a week to even J. Or even when I would barely go out say a word to anyone else and have a blank stare on my face. I read blogs but really didn't have much to say either. Didn't really update my facebook either. It has took me the last 4-5 days to get in a more social mood with anyone or anything. I really have just looked like a stump for two weeks. I haven't had anything to say good or bad.

The weather has been up and down for the past two weeks. Sun and dark grey. This time of the year it is generally sunny and edging towards spring. I get excited about spring. Not this year. Winter hangs on with it's cold hand. Blowing it's cold breath and spreading it's greyness and tantrums of unpredictable bouts of snow, ice and rain.

I wish I could recall of the past two weeks but it was so boring and it is foggy. it seems like it all runs into each other. Basically, it has been just daily life. Life without much emotion or passion. It has been getting about getting by.

I did have a nicer day yesterday. It was very sunny and very cold. I sat outside in the sun. I played with the dogs in the snow also. I broke out my green egg and grilled a steak. Nothing like the taste of hickory. I also took pictures. I haven't snapped a picture in over 4 months. I didn't snap anything special but at least I took some. Everything has looked so bland that it hasn't caught my eye at all in the past couple of months. I usually carry my little camera everywhere. I'm hoping that I will break out my Nikon pretty soon even though it is bulky. Who knows it is my b-day next month and I will get a better little camera. I think J will kill me for asking as my Nikon cost a fortune and I have hardly used it much in the past 2-3 years as I do the little camera. Mostly, because it is bulky and costly where I don't want to damage it.

I just wish my mood would make up it's mind about what mood it wants to be in. I have got many false starts into my usual mood for this time of year. My mood cycle is pretty predictable and this winter has been harder than usual for me mood wise.
It seems either the depression or the mixed just won't snap so easy. I really think it has to do with the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) with the mood not wanting to move to hypo-mania-mania. It really doesn't matter as each mood has it's baggage for me. I'm just bored and long over due to get out of this one. I wouldn't mind being more productive though. I feel it coming on and hope it will just stick. Actually, I feel more normal than usual and that is a good sign. Even though it is on the lazy side.

Hoping to catch up on more things today and being more communicative.