Very Irritated-Venting

I'm not very irritated or even angry at the moment but was yesterday. I guess I will have to say what is irritating me. It is J. I should back up and tell you the story. Yesterday, I had to clean the camper out to store for the winter. I have been keeping the majority of my clothes in the camper because I have no room in this house full of J's junk. If you would ask J it wouldn't be junk. I have tried to get J to make room for me over the years but to not much avail. It has been one excuse after another. Everything is precious to J and has a memory associtated with it. I can understand that but what I don't understand is allowing your junk to own you and make you miserable and not making way for a new chapter of your life. I have been coming to our house which was J's at one time for going almost on 10 years. Lived here going on 4 years. It is time to make room for me.
Yesterday, I snapped and posted and tagged J on my personal facebook with the problem of not getting rid of the stuff and making room for me. I guess I was trying to shame J into action. J doesn't care what I think. But J certainly does care what other people think. I have been hearing an ear full since I have done that. But guess what. J cleared out a ton in a wardrobe that I can fit some of my clothes in. Also, J is an artist and I took J's studio and put all my shit in there. You can't even walk in it now until I get room to put my stuff:) I tried the nice way for years to get J to do something with all this disaster in this house to the point I just for the most part accepted that I wasn't ever going to have the house the way I wanted or have any room for my stuff. I can't really stand clutter. I really can't stand a messy house. Our house is messy because of all the stuff in this house. You can't put things away if you are buried in stuff. It makes it harder to clean with a house full of junk. I have managed over the years to get the paper clutter and old magazines out of the house. Broken stuff out of the house etc. Duplicates of many things, manic purchases but not down to the core. It doesn't look like a hoarders house but is still to full of clutter for my taste. I'm not even talking about 5 thousand books that J owns. I will accept that as they are all in a bookcase stored properly but never vacuumed. J has read all those books also. I pick and choice my battles and the books aren't a part of my battle at the moment. When i lived in the states I got rid of all books and found homes for them after I read them except reference books.
In the states, I didn't have clutter. That doesn't mean I never had clutter but I got rid of it and would do a purge every 3 -6 months of stuff that wasn't needed. People really don't need many things and it is also more economical not to stuff your home with junk and trinkets etc. It is easier to clean. Plus in today's world you can almost store everything electronically pictures, music, books, paper work, keepsakes etc.
Being bipolar for me I have to keep the chaos at a minimal. I can't have my home full of chaos and have it hard to clean. This house has about drove me insane for several years. I'm not going back and forth any more. I used to only be able to take 3 months at a time here before I would want to go back to the states to my home. I really miss an ordially environment. Where everything had a place and I don't have to look half a day for something. Or it take me a day to dust. I have bad allergies and this mess doesn't help it. It would also be cheaper because living here I take sinus meds every day.
I'm ready for a battle this fall to get rid of some of this crap. Every time I really go to battle with J I do get some of the crap out of the house. I just cant stand battling for my space it is horrible to get J started. I end up not being to battle that much either before J wears me down with mood and attitude. It is like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. But a 2 year old doesn't get psychotic. Also, I found you can put your foot down more with a 2 year old and reason with them.
It changes in little bits I tell myself. J isn't even happy with how the house is and is depressed most of the time because J's stuff has took over . It looks like a bachelor pad in this house. Has looked like this for 30 years at this house. It is amazing though what a little public shaming will do to get someone off there ass. A couple years ago I took pictures of the junk and junk piles and sent them to my mother. My parents who are total neat freaks had about a stroke. Well, I told J I sent those pictures and if I was to send a after pics I would need some of the clutter gone. That worked with all the old magazines stacked every where. The thing is our home is small and if we had a bigger home it wouldn't be so bad. We have very limited space and you can't collect everything. I even bought a VCR / DVD copier so I could get rid of all the vcr movies also. Well, I still cant get rid of the vcr movies because J likes the boxes they are in. I managed a lot of them in a storage tub under the table. I still would love to get t he major rack out of here.
I'm just rambling. I mainly feel hostage to the clutter in this house. I still have a storage container with my stuff in it. Will, I ever see my stuff. Probably not. I got rid of the majority of my stuff when I moved but still have a storage container full. Will I probably get rid of most of it. I probably will. I'm just not all that attached to things. I only like things that enhance my life.Things don't matter as much to me after a house fire and not being able to have my things for years living here.
I will get off here and probably have to deal with attitude all day today and passive aggressive behaviour for the next couple of days. It is funny when you push change people fight back and they know your buttons to stop it. I really don't have much to loose pushing for change as my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I care and don't care. I'm tired of this shit. It is really getting to the point I just have really have had it and the clutter in the relationship is just actually a margin of the problem.

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

Venting

I'm feeling a little low today and exhausted. My body has said enough of trying to get things done. My muscles growl with pain. I have been pretty busy trying to do the last touchs of winterizing and getting some more clutter out of the house. It is like I'm doing spring cleaning in the winter. My shoulder has hurt pretty good for about a week now and hopefully it will get a little better with the rest. It has been one ailment after another for the past month. Flu, cold, upper respotory infection and bummed shoulder. It truly is wearing on me mentally. I have felt more vulnable today and useless when this whiny mood sits in with me. I really don't get much help around the house and it leaves me angry and resentful. Sometimes, it feels like I'm married to a child. It probaly is just me being overly senstive today and overly everything. I would really love to just not have to tell J to do anything and for her to take the intutive to do it . Thats means anything that needs to get done and also cook when I don't feel like it. I barely bitch about J because it could be endless at time. Anymore, I feel pretty lonely in this relationship and the less depressed I get the more I notice. I thought I would just vent a little as I'm less than happy at the moment

Irritable

I'm not a happy camper. Everything is breaking down in this house. This week-end the newish cordless phone went out and so did the coffee pot that is less than a couple of months old. Did I save the box or warranty. The answer is NO. I thought they would last more than a couple of months. I get pissed nothing is made with quality anymore. It isn't like I bought cheap things either. The coffee pot is Faberware and I have no idea what the phone is but it wasn't cheap. To make things worse the oven has went out about two weeks ago. I don't want to have that fixed until I get the stove fixed. They are two separate units that I want to only call one service person and have to wait till the counter top stove that I want to purchase is within my reach. Now I won't wait for a coffee pot or cordless phone. I have been using the antique rotary phone. Yeah, we really have one of those old ones on the wall. I hate it but it is better than nothing. I haven't much spoke on the phone for the last four days because of it. Just to talk to J and bitch. It goes through one of J's ear out the other. I have been trying to argue with J but I'm not getting anywhere. I'm a little pissed at J also. It has been along four days by myself and nothing has went well. It also has rained buckets so I have cabin fever on top of everything breaking down. I haven't ran using the pouring rain as an excuse. I miss seating outside also. The dog did though recover from eating a box of bran buds. He was awfully smelly for about 2 days. He is back to him self.
J gets home today . I'm more glad about having transportation than J being back home. Like I said I'm pissed at J. I have had a ton of time to think about our relationship and it isn't the best at the moment. I get tired of the same old shit that happens year after year. I never have accepted the fact no one changes and I have to accept it or move on. I probably won't move on but I have to accept J. I have to remind myself I have to do what is best for me and sometimes that is to detach , move back and take care of myself and only concentrate on my needs for a change. I'm such a caretaker with J that I have lost myself in many ways. When I'm alone it shows me how selfish and self-centered J is. It also shows me how J takes no responsibility for anything . I feel like it is my fault since I do everything around here and make all the decisions. Lately, I have felt J is not very able to do things. Oh, I'm so wrong as J finds ways when I'm not around and is very functional without me . It pisses me off because I ask myself why can't J be like that around the house. My answer is J is lazy and can get away with it around here so why would J be any different. Oh it eats at me lately. With everything falling apart, my mood and the irritation with J sometimes I just want to scream.

Ick... It's Olympic time

I have been in a weird mood. I contribute it to PMS , diet and just regular mood patterns. Most of the time it really doesn't matter why I'm in a mood. I have been a little obsessive, irritable, indifferent , angry about everything and just immobile. It sort of sounds like a mixed mood for me since nothing is getting done except watching television and surfing the Internet.
I got into an argument on Valentines with J over the Olympics. I loath the Olympics and instead of keeping it to myself , I had to go on a rant on why I don't like it. It doesn't much make a nice Valentines day to do that or any other day. I have been so obsessed with researching all the negative aspects of the Olympics to argue and belittle it in every way. It makes for a hostile home environment. Even when I do try to escape it, it's everywhere on the television to the sponsors that say it is the Olympic toilet paper to the official sponsor of whatever stupid product it is. The Olympics brings out the worst in me from hating it to fighting juvenile nationalistic tendencies when arguing with J. She now thinks it isn't worth watching it till I'm in bed. I rather watch hours of info-mercials or really bad tv than be subjected to the Olympics.
It has brought me to the conclusion that we need two televisions since it has brought up differences in epic proportions of our preferences on television and how the Olympics has spilled over to other arguments of why am I subjected to your taste and neither one of us want to watch other things the other one watches on television . Neither one of us has been getting along since the Olympics and shows deeper divided in our relationship other than the dreaded games. The games just happened to bring up some issues.
It hasn't helped that I suffer from PMS and get a little out there during that time of month. It doesn't help either that I'm on this diet and all I want is a piece of cake or a soda. I have cheated two times other than that if I want a snack it is a piece of fruit. I will be going to the gym this week if I can force myself out of the house. I don't want to go anywhere . People just plain irritate me and I find fault with everything lately. I know it will pass probably pretty soon. I could ramble on but I won't