Fragmented

I have been thinking about blogging. I have had a lot emotionally going on. My head lately has been on the muddled side and fragmented to an extend. I think in incomplete sentences lately. it doesn't much make for a good blog post. It doesn't hurt my head that much as I deal with it and pretty much live in my own head. You would need to know me well to get me when my mind is like this in person .

, I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house. I have been actually having success with list. Generally, I don't have any success with them. I have broke down big jobs down to little things and it helps my muddle brain stay on track about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, I get so distracted I do other things that aren't on my list that also need to get done. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can mark the things on my list done. I'm in the mist of trying to get everything organized and super clean in my house and in my life. In the last year I have let everything go to hell. It truly isn't like me to let everything go to hell either no matter what kind of space I'm emotionally or physically. But it is time to move on and pick up the pieces and be more motivated even when I lack it. I think it is more depressing to just give up like I have. Giving up grows on its self. I still trudge but at least I'm not sinking completely. I still have my days with my grief but gradually it is getting better. In no way it is perfect as nothing in life is. I guess I wish life at times would be a little bit more cut and dry. It isn't especially if your Bipolar. It can be interesting. Some days, I vacillate from taking care of myself lately with running and swimming, eating right and doing all the right things to getting stupid drunk and making an ass out of myself. Over indulging on consumption of the computer also to hide from life. I have liked distraction and have been trying to get out of it. I cancelled one of my facebook accounts that I was active on. I have moderated my drinking more so it isn't so out of control when I'm triggered by anxiety or whatever.

It hasn't been near perfect but I'm slowly learning to deal with what I have been dealt lately. I have been under extreme stress with many things. Some to lengthy to really get into and same of the same ole shit. I just want to start to be not so extreme in anything I do and have more of a balance. I have a hard time with an all or nothing attitude at times. Life comes up all the time and I just need to deal with it the best I can. It seems when I try to get structured I fret if I don't do the same things day after day.

I have went on rambling to long.

Random Ramblings

I don't know what direction, i'm going with this entry. One of the reasons I haven't been writing more is my mind is all over the place. It is really hard to pin point it down to one topic. I guess knowing myself... I named this blog ramblings. I'm very capable of rambling from one subject to another. I'm more unfocused today than even yesterday. I'm not really in a bad mood or good mood either. I'm just in a space that is trying to move to something more concrete. I'm caught in a mist of an mixed mood and physical pain. What an interesting mixture. My brain at the moment has a hard time coming up with the words to put down. They fly through my head but trying to really pin point anything is hard at the moment.

Today, is a little harder than most because my shoulder is acting up so is my rhomboid muscle. I guess that muscle holds the scapula together. It can get aggravated by being behind a desk all day or using a computer. I thought I was going to die yesterday getting the trigger point rubbed out yesterday. I had a new therapist yesterday and DAM it HURT. I told her that I could take a lot of pain. Well, I feel beat up today. I could barely tolerate it yesterday. I can take a lot of pain and generally am rewarded by it feeling so much better. I thought she could put me through the table yesterday. I'm a big girl also. Tall,big boned, and somewhat over weight. It is hard to manhandle me. I never was into gentle anyways but after that experiance I could imagine she had a box of whips somewhere. I could barely move this morning. I'm better this afternoon as I have moved around more. I'm back to a heating pad and over the counter muscle relaxers to get some relief. I have drank so much water in the past two days also. I feel like a camel filling up. Actually, I don't mind drinking all this water as I feel much more hydrated than I usually do. I didn't realize that most of the time I would be dyhradated. I just feel a general malasie. I have had a nagging head-ache all day also. It makes me somewhat cranky to be in pain.

I was doing so good with getting things done around the house in the past week also. It has been slow but I have been getting back on track. I will get back on track tomorrow. My body says rest so it is going to be rest. I was feeling so postive yesterday that I actually went to storage and got a few things. I got my snowshoes, breadmaker, and some more winter clothes. I couldn't get the back open on the truck as it was froze shut. I would of got my cross country skies out. I don't think I'm going to be skiing anytime soon but I was hopeful in a week or two. Snowshoeing is basically just walking so I can do that. It is really a low impact exercise but wonderful cardio. It also burns about 400-900 calories. I could use that. I have been sitting on the couch mostly all winter either from my mood or physical pain and I'm going stir crazy being in the house. I also really love photography and haven't took a picture in months. I actually put my little camera in my pocket just in case. That is a good sign to me. Even though I didn't take a picture yesterday. Nothing really caught my eye. I have had little passion for anything in the past year due to mood or personal problems. I find my heart is less broken though so it is good.
The girls birthday was the other day. I cried and moved on. I miss them very much but life goes on. Last year was wrought with so much turmoil and it is finally getting back to somewhat normal. I never made much of a resolution this year but it was to take better care of myself and I'm doing it.

I don't want this post to be a novel so will talk about some of these things later.

Ramblings

I don't really have a solid idea on what to blog on. So much and So little has been going on with me. That sounds like a contridiction. Bare, with me my mind. It is jumbled up. It feels like a salad. Salad meaning it has many things in it. You can identify the pieces in it but it is all mixed up. My lack of writing has been about how to structure what I write. With my thoughts all over the place or feeling blank it really is hard to write. I also have been in a lot of pain still and it is hard to hang my arm in the postion to have to type. So, if you still are following my post, I will try to actually write something.


Like my last post previously stated.... I have been dealing with physical pain. My shoulder is pretty screwed up. I have a lot of issues going on with it. It is ironic that just one thing isn't wrong with it but many. Such is my life. Sometimes, I get a cynical laugh out of it. I really can't recall what was the catalyst that set the shoulder to really act up. I have dealt with my bummed shoulders for years. Like the therapist said "it was probaly something stupid you did like grabbing a box of something" I was very active one day and two days after woke up not able to hardly move my arm. I had pain that I haven't expieranced in years. I knew I had issues with the shoulder but it didn't bother me on a chronic bases or get in the way of my life. Whatever I did was the straw that broke the camels back. The funny thing was before this happened I scheduled an appoinment to deal with it. It was part of my resolve to start taking care of myself better. I just have had to deal with it at a faster pace.

I must be in an OK mood to even deal with it as much as I have been. My mood always picks up around this time to escalate into mania by the end of Febuaruary. It hits like clock work every year. I could feel like a switch flipping right before this happened. I was actually relieved as I could get on with life and my winter sports. This year the season for downhill skiing and cross country skiing is peaking. I was looking forward to starting back again. Well, I'm disappointed. This year I'm not going to be able to do any skiing of any sort. I generally take a vacation in the winter also . Mostly a skiing vacation or some version of something I enjoy. With the cost involved of getting my shoulder tolerable and gaining mobility , it is very expensive. I'm gratefully that even though it hurts my bank account like hell, I'm able to afford it. The other thing is I can't risk farther injury and any set back. If you don't know anything about cross country skiing you use your shoulder a lot. Lower body for downhill. Just can't risk a fall with that though.

I go through periods where I feel defeated. It isn't depression. I'm getting to a place where I'm accepting the things I can't do this winter. I'm trying to think of other things to do even though I really had my heart set on other things. It pisses me off. I'm trying to focus on getting better and just hoping like hell this shoulder won't affect my golf season this year. This shoulder issue also pushes other buttons for me. Like always having to give up things I love to an illness and settle for other things. I have a suspcion that the shoulder will be a life time thing. That I will have to modify how I live. I never did in the past and I'm paying the price for it now. I have always lived hard and played hard. It is hard to think , I'm going to have to slow down during my good periods and also do things like ask for help around the house. (Less lifting)


I have been exttremely irritable. I was told that by J. I just thought I had less patients being in pain. Which for me , was I just don't have patients for J's bullshit. Usually, I accept J for who J is. In pain and frustration I think differently of J. Lately, I think WOW. Why do I put up with half the crap? , I do. That is a whole post on it's own. Also, a topic at the moment I don't want to deal with. But this whole thing of being in pain does open my eyes to many aspects of my life. It is funny what you see when you are stuck on the couch and have limited activity. I have had plenty of time to think and to open my eyes towards life in these past 2-3 weeks.

I'm going to wrap this up. Hoping that I can get to the store today. I think I will take a little nap.

Bringing In The New Year

The year turned into another year. I had a uneventful New Year Eve and went to bed probably around 10:30pm. My partner has a birthday on New Years Eve and I did celebrate that. We watched a good movie called The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All.We also had a nice greek pizza. I also bought her some flowers. They are real nice and look like spring. I also got her two shirts. We celebrated in a low key fashion . I had a nice time watching a movie and eating pizza. I was expecting more movies in the mail but the mailbox wasn't plowed out like it was suppose to be and we didn't get any mail. I was very angry with the man that plows our driveway that he hasn't been keeping up with the mailbox area as it prevents us from getting our mail. I stewed about it awhile and just pushed it out of my mind so I wouldn't totally ruin my evening. My partner knows that she will have to deal with him or I will not shut up about it until it gets done. Or worse yet I will deal with it and I will end up having to do it myself as I will scare the man away. I have about had it with these locals. A good or bad job is the same price. I have been meaning to snow blow myself but I'm not going to work in the house and do all the jobs and do it outside also. When she takes over some of the house work , I will work outside and remove snow but until then she can pay someone to do the job she won't do.
New Years was totally a flop. I was so scattered and couldn't get motivated to make a New Years dinner. I was planning on some lamb chops, black-eye peas and squash. I try to have black eye peas every year for good luck. I can't find greens here or even a bag of black eye peas that aren't cooked. I found a can of them though and that will have to do. I was happy to even find a can of black-eye peas. I need to have my family to send me a care package of things I can't find here. Something , I did find which is good is a bags of chips that where called General Tao's , Greek, and Tandoori BBQ flavoured chips. All with resealable zip locks . Three bags of chips cost five dollars. It made the sting out of not getting a bag of black eye peas better. I did though find a bag of red beans. I was so delighted that I can finally make a pot of red beans and rice. I really miss my Cajun and Southern food. I'm thinking I might be able to find greens in Toronto. At this point I wouldn't even mind a can of greens even though they aren't as good. I would be very happy with any Sylvia product at this point.
My mood has been all over the place in the past week. My thoughts have also. It is very hard to blog as I have ideals all over the place and it is hard to keep on track. My mind feels like a pin ball flipping all over the place. I don't often take meds but I did yesterday and probably will the next couple of days to get the scattered thoughts in order. Just a push in the right direction. I have also neglected my diet lately so I'm going to have to make some life style changes also. A balanced life style is so important and mine has been off . I need to do some small changes such as diet , and get a little more active. I think when I get some of my thoughts in order it will be easier to get the life style under control. I feel so paralyzed when it comes to life at the moment . It doesn't help when everything is a fleeting thought. I lose direction and purpose. I think the reason I started getting off track was the meds I took for a sinus infection. It sent me sailing off course. I hate getting sick as it sends me to the clouds. I was finally getting back on track from the depression to be derailed. I'm getting back slowly though again. I found with me a lot of staying on course is just not giving up and always trying no matter how hard it is. I have to remind myself of that all the time not to give up and fight . I'm going to try to trudge today and give a good fight this year.