Ramblings

I don't really have a solid idea on what to blog on. So much and So little has been going on with me. That sounds like a contridiction. Bare, with me my mind. It is jumbled up. It feels like a salad. Salad meaning it has many things in it. You can identify the pieces in it but it is all mixed up. My lack of writing has been about how to structure what I write. With my thoughts all over the place or feeling blank it really is hard to write. I also have been in a lot of pain still and it is hard to hang my arm in the postion to have to type. So, if you still are following my post, I will try to actually write something.


Like my last post previously stated.... I have been dealing with physical pain. My shoulder is pretty screwed up. I have a lot of issues going on with it. It is ironic that just one thing isn't wrong with it but many. Such is my life. Sometimes, I get a cynical laugh out of it. I really can't recall what was the catalyst that set the shoulder to really act up. I have dealt with my bummed shoulders for years. Like the therapist said "it was probaly something stupid you did like grabbing a box of something" I was very active one day and two days after woke up not able to hardly move my arm. I had pain that I haven't expieranced in years. I knew I had issues with the shoulder but it didn't bother me on a chronic bases or get in the way of my life. Whatever I did was the straw that broke the camels back. The funny thing was before this happened I scheduled an appoinment to deal with it. It was part of my resolve to start taking care of myself better. I just have had to deal with it at a faster pace.

I must be in an OK mood to even deal with it as much as I have been. My mood always picks up around this time to escalate into mania by the end of Febuaruary. It hits like clock work every year. I could feel like a switch flipping right before this happened. I was actually relieved as I could get on with life and my winter sports. This year the season for downhill skiing and cross country skiing is peaking. I was looking forward to starting back again. Well, I'm disappointed. This year I'm not going to be able to do any skiing of any sort. I generally take a vacation in the winter also . Mostly a skiing vacation or some version of something I enjoy. With the cost involved of getting my shoulder tolerable and gaining mobility , it is very expensive. I'm gratefully that even though it hurts my bank account like hell, I'm able to afford it. The other thing is I can't risk farther injury and any set back. If you don't know anything about cross country skiing you use your shoulder a lot. Lower body for downhill. Just can't risk a fall with that though.

I go through periods where I feel defeated. It isn't depression. I'm getting to a place where I'm accepting the things I can't do this winter. I'm trying to think of other things to do even though I really had my heart set on other things. It pisses me off. I'm trying to focus on getting better and just hoping like hell this shoulder won't affect my golf season this year. This shoulder issue also pushes other buttons for me. Like always having to give up things I love to an illness and settle for other things. I have a suspcion that the shoulder will be a life time thing. That I will have to modify how I live. I never did in the past and I'm paying the price for it now. I have always lived hard and played hard. It is hard to think , I'm going to have to slow down during my good periods and also do things like ask for help around the house. (Less lifting)


I have been exttremely irritable. I was told that by J. I just thought I had less patients being in pain. Which for me , was I just don't have patients for J's bullshit. Usually, I accept J for who J is. In pain and frustration I think differently of J. Lately, I think WOW. Why do I put up with half the crap? , I do. That is a whole post on it's own. Also, a topic at the moment I don't want to deal with. But this whole thing of being in pain does open my eyes to many aspects of my life. It is funny what you see when you are stuck on the couch and have limited activity. I have had plenty of time to think and to open my eyes towards life in these past 2-3 weeks.

I'm going to wrap this up. Hoping that I can get to the store today. I think I will take a little nap.