Monday, May 31, 2010

All Tied Up

I haven't realized how much tension I have been carrying around until I had a real bad headache yesterday and a panic attack. My head is still tender from the headache and my muscles have felt like big knots this morning when I woke up. I woke up and decided I needed to do some meditation and stretching to get some of the tension and anxiety out of my body. I even did some imagery of where I draw some numbers in my head to clear it. It put my body and mind at ease doing some of these things. I need to probably get more exercise to break up more of the tension but my head still throbs a little. It seems the more it throbs the more I get anxious and the more my body goes into a huge tangled knot. I haven't had one of these attacks since around March when I went skiing. I know I need to relax more and that is easier said than done. I feel very overwhelmed lately with life in general because I have let everything go in my depressed state. I logical know I need to break it down into small task and not over think things. I think to much and sometimes I just need to do things and not think myself out of things. If that makes any sense. Today, I will not ask myself why, why, why, and self analysis about anything and do what I can and not beat myself up for what I'm not doing. I will take extra breathes today and practice some relaxation methods to start destressing so I can become productive and active.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


I'm very frustrated I lost a post that I wrote. I'm sorry I have been MIA for awhile but I have been very depressed. I was in between mixed and depressed when the dog died but went into a very deep depression after she died. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I haven't been doing anything except being paralyzed with crippling depression. I stopped doing even basic things such as showering and going out of the house.
I have started a anti- depressant and feel much better but still in low grade depression. This is when I start using my coping techniques such as diet, exercise, routine and being good to myself. I wasn't able to make myself do anything but now I can. I can start coping with the horrible heat that has plagued this area. Before I was sitting depressed baking to death. We have no air as the heat isn't common for days . I think the heat made my depression worse. I'm not used to the heat without central air. I knew my depression was getting better when I started to cope with the heat and just not languish in it. I started drinking more fluids, taking cold showers, eating ice-cream. I also started to get out of the hot house and go to town by the bay where it is 10 degrees cooler. When I'm outside I have started to play in the hose like a little kid. I'm slowly getting back to normal. It isn't fast enough for me but it is coming along. I started to have goals again other than just get through the day . I will have to discontinue this anti-depressant soon as it will make me manic. I don't like either extremes. Now it is up to me to do the coping I need to do to make it back to the middle.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Getting There

I was so depressed yesterday dealing with my emotions about Spud the dog. I guess I'm out of shock, anger and bargaining and moving into acceptance. Oh the wonderful grief process. I know life has to go on and we have two other dogs and a cat. I brushed one dog yesterday and clipped the nails of the cat as part of me taking care of them. Took one on a small walk . Trying to get back to normal whatever that is. I felt dead inside as I did all my task yesterday and going to town to go grocery shopping and do errands. Finally got my tomatoes and other things I need to finish the garden. I also got a ton of flowers as they make me happy and the more they grow I get a big delight out of it.
Today is suppose to be warm and I will get a lot done hopefully if I don't crap out emotionally and physically. I know I will gradually move on but really don't know about this flat do nothing irritable mood that is getting old. The dog really was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel paralyzed when it comes to do the things I really need to get done and just get nothing done. I have no motivation and don't have the energy to just make myself. I will repeat trudge , trudge , trudge

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Every since we have had to put the dog down , I have been a wreck. I hate being a wreck and like someone else said about their dog it was a part of my soul. It felt like a piece of my soul got ripped out. I have felt so raw and disconnected until I finally escaped into a mini-vacation to Toronto. It is a little hard to cry walking down a busy street or even be centered in that place with millions of people around you. It has been nice to escape my mood and my life. I have been going to art galleries and eating as much as I can. I have also been walking a ton. You have to walk here and it is great. One of the reasons to be here is to walk without all the blackflys biting and what not. It also allows me to be me in the city. I just get to be and be totally autonomous. I didn't realize how much I have missed the city. As, much as I love it here I will be happy to get back tomorrow afternoon also to my other wonderful dogs and cat. One can only escape so much before you have to deal with life again. But sometimes an escape is a great way to get a handle on things before a person totally comes to pieces. I was slowly unraveling and really need to get a grip .

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Things are only getting worse

I have been in a bad mood for about a week now and it just seems to get more complicated. It was an ordinary mixed mood with no motivation, depression, aggitation, restless boarding on obessive thoughts over and over and just the general tendency not to live comfortable in my skin. I have had no energy or just meager energy to get what I think I can get done. When Bam the dog we have had for 12 years and has been in my life for eight is dying. It feels like a little piece of my soul is gone. It has been pushing me over the edge of reason and my mood just gets worse. I have been crying over her and hopefully today we will find something out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I have been trying to get it together lately. The other day I spent it taking care of the yard and trying to thicken it with seed and fertilizer. I even planted 45,000 wildflower seeds for shade in part of the back yard that has a lot of shade. I planted everything in the rain. All the racking and what not made my back ache pretty good. I was real emotional that day also so I wonder if my back wasn't worse from having a build up of all this emotional baggage I have. I decided I need a massage so I went for a massage yesterday and she got most of the soreness out and I have felt better. I also got some Chinese chicken noodle soup for the soul. It was a nice lazy relaxing day while it snowed yesterday. It was weird to see pollen and snow on the hood of the truck. .
It has occurred to me I need to take the bull by the horns and slowly get to where I want to be and seating on the couch isn't going to help. I called about scuba diving classes and I'm thinking about that. I will also get my butt back to the gym as it helps the most with my moods and especially with blackfly season going on. I also need to have more patients when it comes to service around here . I'm dying to get the mower back to manicure my lawn to cut down on some of the bugs around here. I have never been religious but I need to get some of my spirituality back that keeps me at peace and do some meditation again. I need some peace of mind as mine is starting to crack some. I really know I need to step it up when my mind starts backfiring. I have been eating more healthy with tons of vegetables, taking vitamins, trying to get out more and hoping to exercise some of that anxiety away. I need to think more positive even though I don't want to but negative thinking has never got me anywhere. Most of all I need to stay busy and not bored. My idle mind gets me into a ton of trouble. Now I will search for things to not keep me so idle and hope this weather cooperates

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I have been feeling better the last two days and have wanted to get out of the house but J has been sick. I went to town yesterday and had some lunch and shopped at the vegetable tent but wasn't able to do all my grocery shopping or take some pictures and take a walk by the bay. Today , J has to have a cyst cut off her neck. It isn't anything serious but will be time consuming, so we can't play golf today. It has been either to buggy, rainy or I have been sick. I'm trying not to be bored today but it is taking it's toll. I cleaned my computer and planted a bag of 45,000 wildflower seeds. I might later seed the bald part of our lawn as the rest of lawn is is taking over and huge.
The mower has been in the shop for a week and they have had to order a part so it just gets longer and longer. Tried to call a lawn service and they can't get to us this week. This whole town is a big ass wait game as it isn't on my time but on someone Else's mercy. I really hate this town. I try to like it but I just can't bring myself to it totally. I have been trying to get things done for awhile and just can't manage to find good help. They are so slow also. Maybe, I need a walk today to burn off some of my frustration and stress.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Try Try Again

I have been under the weather since yesterday. I have been running a low grade fever. So , I didn't do anything I planned on doing yesterday. I'm sick of being sick as it makes me feel low about myself. I was just starting to feel well again to get back into what feels like the ditch for me. I get very needy when I'm sick and I hate that feeling also. I feel like a big baby also because I want my mother to take care of me. Which isn't going to happen because she is over a thousand miles away.
I feel a little bit better today and took some allergy medication and some tyneol. Hopefully, I will make it grocery shopping today and get some errands done and my mood wont dip farther down as it was just coming up to an acceptable level.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Building Blocks

Yesterday, was a better day. I got cleaned up as soon as I wrote my blog and got ready to go shopping. I even cooked bacon and scrambled eggs. After eating and watching the news me and J went shopping about 60 miles from here . The drive was absolutely stunning with the different shades of green that are coming out this spring. We went to a place that I thought might have some summer clothes and not much luck. So we went to lunch and it was interesting seating out on the patio listening to this one table debate whether they had sex with this woman. They where pretty drunk but nice enough as they helped us get our umbrella up. We hardly talked to hear this tawdry conversation. We walked away full and entertained. We had one last stop to look to see if this store had Rollerblades and BBQ tools. Nothing turned up but we bought some mosquito coils for a bug shelter that we are going to put up so we can sit out in the yard.
Driving home I took photographs of the various lakes and rivers that we live by. I'm a little sore today from climbing rocks and paths to get the right picture. I love photography even though I'm pretty average at it. I try to get in all the practice I can.
Today, I'm going to try to tackle some of the mess around the house and maybe go grocery shopping. I was thinking laundry but it is trash day and we have to drive our trash to the dump. Not enough room today. The mood I'm in is gradually building on it's self and getting a bit better. It feels like building blocks. I hope I have a better base so it doesn't come tumbling down.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Baby Steps, Overcoming my Mood

I have been trying to trudge my way through whatever I'm going through. It is sort of like a mixed mood but more on the depression side. I do have some energy but can't stay focused on what I need to do and it seems in the past month with being sick everything has fallen apart. I'm also back to going to sleep early and getting up early. Where I was going to bed late and getting up at a normal time. It is so weird to look at the contrast of my moods and reflect on them.
I do know I'm getting better as I can make myself do some things around the house. I lack motivation all together and no one tells you how to regain it. It's either Just Do it or they can't understand why I don't and can let everything around me crumble. Well Just do it is great if I'm in any other mood than mixed or severe depression. In a mixed mood I just do what I want to do and lack the concentration of staying on task. Depression I do nothing and have a hard time feeding myself meals on top of it.
Yesterday, was a good day for me as I picked up some stuff around the house. I tell myself every time I get up pick up something and put it away or pick up ten things. It has been working. I got my laundry sorted to take to the laundry mat as clothes where storn all over and aren't anymore. I even gave all three dogs a haircut and clipped their nails. They look orderly and manicured. They where real good about it and are ready to stop dropping pounds of winter hair all over the place. It helps me and it helps them. I didn't clip them that short but tried to get the winter hair off and off the Brittany I just made him look like a Brittany instead of a wild haired mountain goat from the Himalayas . I still have some stripping off the hair off the back with the Golden Retrievers. Also, another nice brushing this week to get all the winter off of them. It would be easier to just take the three into the groomers but I'm trying to be a little more frugal and saved myself about 150.00. I have been doing there grooming for about a year now and I'm gradually getting better. The nice thing about screwing up it grows back.
I'm also getting cleaned up again everyday or putting on my work clothes for around the house. I have done that now for three days going on four. I have paraded around in my house clothes for to long now. I remember when I retired, I found no need to put on regular clothes and opted for lounge clothes . Real clothes everyday is what I need and a shower also even if I do messy work outside. I have found if I can't commit to little things such as regular clothes, brushing my teeth everyday , I'm not going to get the things done around the house and just watch tv. I certainly don't care what I look like when I'm depressed. So trudging back out of that hole I have to take care of every aspect even if it means getting cleaned up is all I do for that day and take care of my personal needs. If I get a couple things a day done it is better than nothing also. I have also been making a mental note in my head what I really need to get done first as everything seems so overwhelming. Chipping away at it in little chunks seems to be working and making myself feel better with cleaning up and healthy meals help also.
Now if it could get sunny today it would be a great start to my day as I'm looking forward to golfing again. It seems that I need something fun to do or even get out of this house.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I have been in a slump for awhile and have no motivation. It is gradually coming back but it has come to the point where I just need to do the things I need to do whether I want to or not. I don't think there is anything to get me motivated except baby steps. I think I'm going to start a small routine with my morning ritual and start blogging more as it seems to keep me more accountable and on track. I have all sorts of things to do now I need to narrow them down to the most important and build on that. I also need some fun or something to plan as that motivates me more. I hate list but maybe I need to make one and narrow down the things I really need to do. I'm a master at procrastination. Depression gets so old and I hate whining about how I'm in a slump.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I'm back

I know I finally feel like I have a little life in me if I feel like blogging. I have started to get more active again. I have been suffering from severe allergies and have done everything from washing them out to taking meds for them. The meds have left me feeling crappy and speedy but anti-social. I have done my best around the house even though I feel like I could of done more to keep things in order and I haven't. I have a big wreck of a house to clean up since the month of decline in mood and body. My back hurts today after unloading a hind of beef and some pork which together is about 175lbs. I'm set for meat until this fall and I'm very happy about it. I also planted a garden even though I have one more part of the garden to till up by hand and plant. The weather is still coldish to put in tomatoes or starter plants. I still have tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, eggplant to put in and some herbs by seed. I have put in sugar peas, snap peas, swiss chard, salad greens, green onions, and radishes.
I have finally sent a gift card for my mother's day present and hope it gets there faster than she has sent my birthday present. My birthday was last week and cards and presents still ha vent came even though people have asked me about them. I'm still sort of disappointed about not receiving them in a timely matter. Oh well it is the thought that counts even if I don't know what that thought is.
I got a golf membership not that long ago and have played a couple of times but haven't lately due to bugs and allergies. I tend to keep in the house during black fly season. I will soon when it isn't raining . I wish today it wouldn't rain because I feel real good for a change. I do look forward to the summer though.