Prepare

I broke down yesterday and did some extensive housework. Strike just hurts me just like others have commented. I did though get J to put together the spin bike. I had all the parts put out. I was also in one of those don't screw with me moods. I'm going to give the treadmill a week to be put together now. Exercise is hard in the winter with several feet of snow on the ground and I really need to be ready for winter.

I bought cross country skies several years back but haven't used them for the past two winters. My goal is to use them this year and take lessons to improve. I need to get out more and when I did ski I had a good winter. I have to stay active or I just fall into a big giant hole.

I have to set goals that are fun or I just don't do anything. I set this goal to get my house in tip top shape for the Grey Cup which is Canadian Football thing like the Super Bowl. The thing is I don't even like football but I like game food and a good party. I used to find an obscure holiday or anything to celebrate and decorate for and it seemed to keep me more mentally alert.

I have been in some sort of funk for the past two years and I have noticed that I just survive and I really want to do more than that. I like to have fun and do things. I really would like to stay active this winter and to enjoy it with all the neat outdoor activies. Just even planning for winter gets me excited. I'm going to go over to storage today and pick up some things for winter and my grey cup thing. We have a planned power outage so going shopping over at storage is great and kills time. It feels like shopping at a rummage shop and discovering all sorts of things I haven't seen in a couple of years.

Tired

I'm trying to put the week behind me. I have been pretty emotionally tired. I also realize I need a break from my crazy life and need to reflect on the small things like this. This is a picture from my backyard in the mornings.

Lately, nothing much has excited me. I have been in survival mode with J's mood and psychosis. It has got better but I'm drained. I did manage to get tickets to something that I like very much though. In may BB. King is having a concert at the Casino near by. His concert is pretty late for this old woman so we are going to get a room and stay the night even though it is just a 2 hour drive back. I really look forward to something that is totally about me and J. Totally can't afford it but it is worth it. It seems Murphy law is working again and more things are breaking down so it was hard to justify this. It is hard to plead being broke and to do this. But, I really will enjoy it. I need it badly also. Something always in life comes up that needs to be fixed etc.

I really need to get back to the basics and enjoying the great things I have also. It seems I have all this stuff in the house that is still in the box. It is insane. I bought a Wii one year and have all these new games I haven't used. I also have Mario-Kart and a Wii fit plus I received as presents but never opened. I also really need to rat myself out about I still have a top of the line treadmill and exercise bike in it's box also. All stored away waiting for me to become active again. I finally started using my Kindle Fire that I got for x-mas last month. So, maybe their is some hope for me. I really haven't enjoyed life for about the last two years. The girls dying one summer . Then last summer my father and grandmother dying. All the other crazy shit that has been going on in between with my health to other things.
The thing is I need to just turn the page and start living again . Shit happens. Then you move on. I finally am starting to get that yearning again to live. I can feel my depression lifting. It sounds odd but I was at the store yesterday and seen pink flamingos and bought those tacky tacky birds. I had such a laugh looking at them and even more embarrassed to put them in the buggy. I haven't thought about the yard or anything in ages. Now for me to put them out today and not let them sit in a box. As, I'm coming out of my box this time of year maybe just maybe I will get the other things out of there box also. I will start small with getting back to walking so I can start running again. I need fresh air. I need to get back to me again . I really do miss me being more alive and not a fixture on the couch all winter long.

Springtime Ramblings

I thoug. ht I would write to try to get back to it. It is like i have got writer's block. I just don't think anything in my life is much to write about. I lack the passion to write this dribble. I really don't have the passion for anything. I can vaguely feel it stirring up and that is good. Maybe, I can fool myself and Just do it when it comes to things I like. So here is some of my ramblings for today.....

I didn't do much at all yesterday. I was in a somber mood. I just pretty much laid about for the day. The previous day I managed to start cleaning up the yard. It was a big mess from the dogs getting into the trash and had manage to have 2 bags of rubbish all torn to shreds all over the place. I also managed to pick up other things. It didn't much help my back or shoulder and therefore, just laid around yesterday. My shoulder felt like a tooth-ache. My back was just not working and felt fine just laying down or sitting all day yesterday. Many liquid gel advil later and some muscle relaxer and it feels on the mend today.

I'm trying to trick myself this early morning I'm going to be in a good mood today. I'm piddle paddling around. Making coffee, watering my little flowers I got the other day and picking up. I got some lovely tulips in a pot the other day also a potted hyacinth and another sort of little flower that is yellow. J seemed to pick out all the different colours that day of two yellow plants and one white one. Not my favorites but I just like flowers. I would of picked red, purple and pink. I also did a little walk about the other day and realized that some bulbs are finally starting to pop up also. I love spring flowers or flowers and general. I also fear Daisy has dug up some of my bulbs. I seen my rose bush also survived winter and survived Daisy.

I don't know what today will entail. I have no plans . Most days I just am happy to get through the day. I have though been bent on decluttering and spring cleaning. It seems like it is another way to purge the soul. Maybe today I will make it further than yesterday. I give myself credit for anything I do now as cleaning was such a feat this winter.

Springtime

I have been going through a rough spot . It isn't anything new but I'm sick of it and sick of talking about it. Hence , the lack of blog updates. Listen to a bad country song and that has been my life the last couple of years. Actually, probably most of my life has been some tragic song.

I have been starting to come out of my grey area even though there has been so much going on in my life. The sun has finally popped out. The temps have been way above seasonal. I never have wore a pair of shorts in March in Canada. Yesterday it was like around 70 degrees- 18-20 C. It is suppose to go up to 26C this week around 75 degrees. Last weekend we had snow. This week it is almost all gone. It melted so fast my yard is a mud hole. I grilled the other day and i just splashed in mud and had mud all over the place. The lake is still icy but suspect it will go out soon. The bay hardly has any ice except the shore. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week everything should be thawed .

We where coming home from grocery shopping yesterday and I seen a sign of spring. The beavers and geese in a creek doing what they do. It was so majestic to me. I forgot about having to take all the bags in the house. Nothing like geese to tell you winter is over. It still amazes me what a mild winter we have had. The bears should be out anytime also. I don't look forward to that though. Especially, since the dogs tore up trash all over the yard and I'm still picking it up. They made such a mess. My back doesn't bend like it should and my shoulders still hurt and flair up every time I over do myself. I have been doing a lot of stretching everyday to have my hurt just hurt moderately. I really think when my grayness goes out the window to what ever mood is in store for me which generally is mania this time of year . I have a lot of DVDs on Yoga. I need movement.

I haven't moved off the couch most of the winter. I see spring and think oh I'm going to be active again. I have gained weigh and it is time to take it off. It is time to shed everything and slowly getting back to me.

Comfortable Numb

I thought I would post to say I'm still kicking. I have been pretty subdued and depressed. I have been holed up in isolation for awhile in the dismal winter days. Lately, it has been getting more winter like and I'm coming alive again.

I have been watching box sets of TV series. True Blood and Nurse Jackie. My new set is Downtown Abbey. So far haven't been saving much money buying multiply series but it is cheaper than some of my indulges. My mind is about numb as it can be watching hours of this crap. I really need to get out and get fresh air.

The depression is that kind that is comfortable. Wrapped up in a cocoon type. It is going to take some undertaking to get out of my funk because it doesn't feel all that bad. It is safe. It is like a drug that numbs and deflects reality. I'm in my own little world devoided of everything. It sucks me in a little more everyday.

I'm becoming more cynical and don't care about much at the moment. That in it self is freeing. Society just gets the big middle finger at the moment. I also really don't care what anyone thinks at the moment about me . It is actually freeing of the chains of what I'm suppose to do. Because I don't do anything lately that I think I SHOULD do. Or what anyone wants me to do.

Still Kicking

I had a crummy birthday yesterday and also Easter. I had plans to make a dinner but didn't feel up to it. J didn't make a fuss of it either. The only presents I got where from my family.I pretty much slept the whole day. When I was up I was pretty emotional. I'm getting a little better about not being dso depressed and emotional.
I was told it is common after a heart attack to be emotional and depressed. It is hard to have so much life in me and have to do nothing except lay on the couch. I feel frustrated most days now.

I guess I'm getting used to my meds as today has been the first day I haven't been dizzy. I get a little stronger each day. Or I tell myself that as Im not a person that wants to seat on my butt. I have a dental appoinment today and that is a postive . To get my teeth fix would help my self-esteem as I used to have pretty teeth and the psych meds made them terrible.

I'm going to try to do some activitys today as my body will tolerate it

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

Depression

I'm very frustrated I lost a post that I wrote. I'm sorry I have been MIA for awhile but I have been very depressed. I was in between mixed and depressed when the dog died but went into a very deep depression after she died. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I haven't been doing anything except being paralyzed with crippling depression. I stopped doing even basic things such as showering and going out of the house.
I have started a anti- depressant and feel much better but still in low grade depression. This is when I start using my coping techniques such as diet, exercise, routine and being good to myself. I wasn't able to make myself do anything but now I can. I can start coping with the horrible heat that has plagued this area. Before I was sitting depressed baking to death. We have no air as the heat isn't common for days . I think the heat made my depression worse. I'm not used to the heat without central air. I knew my depression was getting better when I started to cope with the heat and just not languish in it. I started drinking more fluids, taking cold showers, eating ice-cream. I also started to get out of the hot house and go to town by the bay where it is 10 degrees cooler. When I'm outside I have started to play in the hose like a little kid. I'm slowly getting back to normal. It isn't fast enough for me but it is coming along. I started to have goals again other than just get through the day . I will have to discontinue this anti-depressant soon as it will make me manic. I don't like either extremes. Now it is up to me to do the coping I need to do to make it back to the middle.

Baby Steps, Overcoming my Mood

I have been trying to trudge my way through whatever I'm going through. It is sort of like a mixed mood but more on the depression side. I do have some energy but can't stay focused on what I need to do and it seems in the past month with being sick everything has fallen apart. I'm also back to going to sleep early and getting up early. Where I was going to bed late and getting up at a normal time. It is so weird to look at the contrast of my moods and reflect on them.
I do know I'm getting better as I can make myself do some things around the house. I lack motivation all together and no one tells you how to regain it. It's either Just Do it or they can't understand why I don't and can let everything around me crumble. Well Just do it is great if I'm in any other mood than mixed or severe depression. In a mixed mood I just do what I want to do and lack the concentration of staying on task. Depression I do nothing and have a hard time feeding myself meals on top of it.
Yesterday, was a good day for me as I picked up some stuff around the house. I tell myself every time I get up pick up something and put it away or pick up ten things. It has been working. I got my laundry sorted to take to the laundry mat as clothes where storn all over and aren't anymore. I even gave all three dogs a haircut and clipped their nails. They look orderly and manicured. They where real good about it and are ready to stop dropping pounds of winter hair all over the place. It helps me and it helps them. I didn't clip them that short but tried to get the winter hair off and off the Brittany I just made him look like a Brittany instead of a wild haired mountain goat from the Himalayas . I still have some stripping off the hair off the back with the Golden Retrievers. Also, another nice brushing this week to get all the winter off of them. It would be easier to just take the three into the groomers but I'm trying to be a little more frugal and saved myself about 150.00. I have been doing there grooming for about a year now and I'm gradually getting better. The nice thing about screwing up it grows back.
I'm also getting cleaned up again everyday or putting on my work clothes for around the house. I have done that now for three days going on four. I have paraded around in my house clothes for to long now. I remember when I retired, I found no need to put on regular clothes and opted for lounge clothes . Real clothes everyday is what I need and a shower also even if I do messy work outside. I have found if I can't commit to little things such as regular clothes, brushing my teeth everyday , I'm not going to get the things done around the house and just watch tv. I certainly don't care what I look like when I'm depressed. So trudging back out of that hole I have to take care of every aspect even if it means getting cleaned up is all I do for that day and take care of my personal needs. If I get a couple things a day done it is better than nothing also. I have also been making a mental note in my head what I really need to get done first as everything seems so overwhelming. Chipping away at it in little chunks seems to be working and making myself feel better with cleaning up and healthy meals help also.
Now if it could get sunny today it would be a great start to my day as I'm looking forward to golfing again. It seems that I need something fun to do or even get out of this house.

Moving Forward

I have been domestic lately after a 2 month furlough. Gradually, I'm getting back to my routine in the house and enjoying it. I can be very domestic or not domestic at all. It is all about my mood when it comes to homemaking. I'm also taking up more interest and hobbies. Taking up hobbies have never been hard for me. Actually, I have the tendency to take up to many.
The other day I replaced the bird feeders that should of been condemned a long time ago. They where in such bad disrepair , I bought some more. I forgot how expensive it can be to feed the little buggers. I'm used to mid-western birds that will eat any thing and be delighted. I have an array of thistle, black sunflower , white sunflower, and some song bird mix of food for them. I love watching birds and much better than watching the stuff I watch on tv. I look forward to watching them as I will have to put the feeders up in the spring due to bears. I don't like having bear bait on the property.
I have been yearning for brighter weather and warmer weather also. I think what sparked my need for spring/summer is the flood of seed magazines , I have been receiving. I love gardening and can't wait to plant a garden. My amaryllis and hyacinth is starting to shoot up to bloom pretty soon also. It reminds me of spring . I'm sort of in a spring like mood with plants. I bought an orchid yesterday and look forward to trying to keep it alive. I go through a period in the winter where I need plants and grass. Last year I planted regular grass in a pot. I stuck a golf tee in it with a golf ball. It was nice to think about the golf season. It is easier to plant cat grass though and the cat likes it. I planned another batch for her and it makes me happy to see green and the cat happy she has something to munch on without getting yelled at and shooed away from.
I also got a running magazine to give me inspiration to discover I can run in this muck of snow and ice. Running doesn't stop in the winter. I need to buy me some yaktraxs to put on my running shoes. I think I will use some older running shoes as I don't want to get my new ones mucked up. Basically, I have the clothes for it as you adjust the layers for the winter. Up to three layers just like cross country skiing. Something to wick like long underwear that has wool in it. I like a performance wool blend. Something to keep the wind off and to repeal the water. Something to service as a insulator . I use a cotton shirt and sweats. They sell all sorts of running gear for the winter but I really don't want to spend the money at the moment. I do have a winter cycling jacket that I could use for a jacket also.It has nice zip pits and is warmer so I don't have to wear so many layers to run in. They say to adjust it according to how cold it is. I don't know how much I will enjoy running in the winter or jogging. I think I would prefer to snowshoe or ski. I'm thinking of trying running this coming Friday or week-end if I don't get mowed down by a snow mobile and I can hurdle the snow banks just in case. I will give it a try though as I miss it and like to run on something other than a treadmill.
I generally get more antsy and hyper during Feb and March. It seems my hyper clock is a little off on dates. I don't know how long this good mood will last but I like it. It is different going from being immobile to more active. I feel good when I can perform and get things done. It seems to build on my good mood. I'm even starting to freeze more things up for dinner when I'm immobile with depression again. Or just not feeling well. I'm finally looking a head. Things are starting to look up again.

Climbing Out Of The Ashes of Depression

It is morning and a nice balmy -3 C this morning. I love mornings. I have done my routine of taking the dogs out and feeding them. It is always a mixed blessing in the morning taking them out because they demand it right now. Not when I wake up but as soon as I open my eyes and sit up. Which generally means that I don't have adequate clothing on when I take them out. Just slippers ,t-shirt, and sweats. I have a great pair of slippers so I don't have to put on my snow boots . After, I'm done , I can enjoy the dogs. It is like saying good morning to them. Then I have coffee and my vitamins in the morning.
I have seen a big difference in my mood by taking a Multi-Vitamin, B-Complex, chewable Vitamin C, and sub lingual B-12. I have had more energy and for that , I'm grateful. When I feel better , I'm more productive and take care of myself better. It is hard to get out of the depression rut but possible. Some of it is just time and the other part of it is taking small steps to improve it .
I was right in the fact when I became more active physically , the domestic side would follow. I have been cooking and started cleaning again. I have been inspired to do more with food than just make boring pot roast. The other day I marinaded a roast and it was absolutely delicious. I have a ton of roast since I bought a front of a cow and have to get a little more adventurous with different things. Today, I'm finally going to make Red Beans and Rice. I have the chicken stock ready for it and all I have to do is put it on today as I soaked my beans over night. I love themes and have some zydeco music that will go nicely with it. Tomorrow, I'm going to cook some glazed beef short ribs to go along with the red beans and rice. I bought a nice bottle of red wine to go with it and a nice baguette.
I love it when I feel domestic as I come up with different things to cook and get inspired to tackle this house and organize it better. Sometimes , it is so difficult to even get a bowl of cereal much less cook something with multiple ingredients.
One thing, I have been doing to kick this rut is to get cleaned up every day no matter whether I go out or not. It is so easy to stay in my house clothes and not get cleaned up. I once read this thing called the Fly Lady that getting cleaned from head to toe was the only way to get productive in the morning. She even recommend to get your shoes on. For the longest time I thought she was full of it. I thought that I got more done looking like crap and having old clothes on. What it made me learn is I felt better about myself. Getting cleaned up just to clean made me feel better if that makes any sense. I have took it a step farther with doing things like exfoliating and little extras like more cream on my face. I have looked at some of the people faces in this town and they look all weathered from the elements and like they don't take care of there skin. I have since stepped up my skin care for the winter as in the spring I don't wear lotion as I would get ate up by blackflies and mosquitoes. I don't wear anything except ivory soap during spring and early summer. I have a very bad reaction to the assortment of biting insects. So I save my beauty routine for winter and the rest of the year. I refuse to look like a lizard or some tanned leather. It is so easy to forget about appearance when your depressed.
I have started to get more in a routine and manage my time a little better. It does seem overwhelming with all that I have neglected the past couple of months though. I have learned though the thing that I neglected the most was myself and my well being. I have found it very nice to take care of myself and get with living life. I'm finally up to the adventure of life.

Happiness

I have been busy with having some fun lately and feeling good. I haven't felt good in along time. My depression is lifting. I still have some fog of depression but generally, I have been feeling good. I don't know what to make of my happiness as I find happiness elusive and hard to hang on to. I feel if I'm happy, the other shoe is going to drop off. I'm learning to go with it though.
I have been pushing myself to find new ways of being happy. Happy for me has been to be active physically lately. I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing. I especially love snowshoeing. I found I worked hard and had air in my lungs where I never have had cold air before. It felt real good to walk through the snow where most people sink if they try to walk in it. The weather has been so wonderful. It has been sunny and clear for the most part. Yesterday was more breezy and overcast so I was so happy when I didn't waste the wonderful days this past week. I have been gradually getting back to photography also. My pictures that I took weren't the most wonderful but not to bad considering it is very hard for someone that is learning to cross country ski to stand and click at the same time. I'm not very good on the skis. I have away to go. I'm still a little wobbly and cant stride and chew gum at the same time. One of the reasons I didn't fall my first time out was that I didn't want to screw up my cameras that I had strapped to me. My balance has always been not that great and worse on a pair of skinny skis. The thought of busting expensive cameras where enough to keep me up right. I ended up after about a half an hour taking them off and just hiking . I'm looking forward to skiing again next week when it is suppose to be nice again. Part of loving the skiing and snowshoeing is all the solitude and wonderful beauty of the landscape , I get to enjoy. They have a ski place that isn't that far from us but it is always so crowded. We have been going out to this place called Killbear. There is hardly no one there during the week and even when people are there it is so huge that you might not see many if any people at all. Nature at times is my only spirituality and I feel like I'm whole with my environment. I really can't put the feeling in words but it makes me happy and filled with marvel. It is sort of like a Emily Dickson poem where she speaks about the outdoors being her church.
I have neglected the house in the pursuit of my physical activity but I don't feel bad at all for neglecting it. Messes will always be here for me to clean. I will eventually get in the mood for the house but I'm taking the opportunity to do what I please and what I'm in the mood for. It works better that way for me as I find each to be a building step for me to get what I need to get done. By having fun I'm more likely to do what I need to do as I'm happy. I don't know how long my happiness and positively will last . But I will embrace any of it and try to build on the building blocks of being more functional.

Hoilday Season

The snow has been very abundant. In the past two weeks we have had between 75-100 cms dumped in a very short time. The weather has been sporadic and wild. I have tried to stay in and not go to town on the bad driving days . I have been very busy on the nicer days to get groceries and do the minimal Christmas thing. Finally, shipped off some final presents and wrapped up Christmas shopping. Except I have to figure out what to get my partner.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.

I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.

Winter is Has Began

I haven't written in awhile. I have been very depressed. My depression has been as dark as the days of winter. I haven't had much to say and really haven't done much except watch tons of tv. Which is not like me. Since the weather has changed into snow, I have felt better. The other day the snow began . It was a glorious 15cm (5.9 inches) Over night we where suppose to get any where between 15-25cm inches. It is starting to feel like winter. I really love the cold most of the time even though it isn't all that cold at the moment. It is around 30F most of the time during the day so far. I have started to start trudging through my depression a little at a time and trying to get in the spirit of Christmas. I wish this month would go by quickly. Maybe, at the last minute I will get into the Holiday spirit. I just feel it is a added burden that I just don't need in the scheme of life. Life at the moment is hard enough to get motivated with at the moment. I do look forward to this winter though. I have a lot of plans for it. Last winter was my first in Ontario and I loved it. I never knew I liked snow that much and the cold. I'm still learning how to walk on it without falling. I thought I mastered it last year and forgot. I also forgot how the sky can be so dark when snow is pouring out of the sky. I'm hoping to get some photography done this coming week. Everything has been a chore , even the fun things. I'm starting to gradually breathe life again. I'm still depressed but not as severe. The best thing though is I'm sleeping like a normal person again. I actually sleep 8-9 hours straight through a night . I no longer wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm gradually crawling out of my hole since the snow has started. I have also forgot how much I hate all the winter clothes though. All the layers,heavy jacket, heavy snow boots. I just hate shoes period. I'm not fond of much clothes either. I like my skin to breath. With it not being very cold I find myself with all different kinds of jackets. I never knew why my partner had so many jackets now I know why. This area has so many different temps. All varieties of cold. I would burn up in a down jacket right now. Next month I will probably need it. I also have three different boots I use in the winter. I have waterproof hiking boots when there isn't much snow. I have snowmobile boots, when it is dumping tons of snow and cold. I also have what I call town boots when everything is settled and I don't do anything else except shopping. It looks like we will be blowing out the driveway now. I can't believe how snow can accumulate so fast. I guess until Georgian bay freezes over there will be tons of snow. I hope it makes up time with dumping snow because last year at this time we had 100cm of snow already. I'm really looking forward to skiing this winter and winter photography. This year I'm getting some snow shoes so I can get out in the bush and take better pictures. Oh winter calls me this morning to get busy since I have been sitting on my butt for the last three weeks.