The mouse that scared the elephant

Yesterday, I did a follow up at a nursing outpost. I was surpised by how nice the staff was and how great my nurse is going to be. I actually have more faith in her because of how detail oriented she is and also her personality. She took my info and took my blood pressure. It was high but lower than it has been in awhile. I should say stable high. That has been good enough for the last doctor I went to. it wasn't good enough for her. She also gave me a little talk about my smoking. Generally, I don't listen to that part of my health. I listened this time. She was an ex-smoker that still struggled. She was realistic about it and gave some good advise. She was also not fit or skinny and gave realistic advise about exericse and eating . My problem with the both of those things is either I exercise and eat good for awhile but stop when my mood is not into it. For me it is going to have to be more of a rountine I stick to and not when it suites my mood.

She wanted me yesterday to wear a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring holter machine . To get a true sense of my blood pressure. It was fine until it just malfunctioned. I will have to go back and have it fixed or reprogrammed. It isn't the most comfortable thing to be hooked to for 24 hours. For the several hours I had it on yesterday before I realized it wasn't working I was more aware of the spikes in my blood pressure. The machine has a button to push when your having an event. Me and J was joking I stress out all the time everything is an event. After, the machine will collect the data, I will go back in a week. If it is on the high side I will be scheduled to see the doctor that makes visits to get prescribed another blood pressure pill as the nurse has her doubts about how well my blood pressure medication is working. I dread it as I hate switching any meds and getting used to the side-effects. It has took this last month to get used to the ones I'm on and not be extremely exhausted. It is helping me think about lifestyle changes even more as it is cheaper in the long run and I hate taking any meds. For the most part I have changed my eating over the past couple of years. It will be more exercise, stop smoking and managing my anger and stress. After, writing that I think pills are easier (lol)

Finally, a scary story for me but funny story. Last night I was in bed trying to go to sleep. The cat was laying on my side. I felt her back claws rip into me jumping off of me. The next thing I hear was little squeaks. The next thing I know is I'm laying on top of J screaming turn of the light. Well J was smashed under my big body. I couldn't bring myself to get off and when I did move I ended up laying on J's legs. Finally after awhile I moved. The cat was killing her prey a little to slow for me. As she would get a grip she would let go and do it again and again making the rodent scream. I was screaming at J to get whatever she killed away from her. The cat dropped it on her scratching post and didn't want J to take it away. J said it was a vole and threw it outside somewhere. I have a phobia of anything rodent. It will send me into a panic. I get a paralying fear if I see or hear one. I also scream like a little girl when I see one. I don't know why they scare me so bad. It isn't like they will hurt me. It is very silly actually and I know it. I feel embrassed about having such a horrible phobia of rodents. It took me forever to get used to my daughters pet rat. It took me basically several years to look at it or touch it. It was very nice also. I wouldn't go into her room with that rodent in there. It took basically the last year of its life to deal with it. I'm still not wild about the idea of any pet rodent. Out of sight out of mind Im ok. I really can't tolerate the wild variety of any rodent. I think they are nasty and filthy carrying germs. I have nothing against rodents but stay out of my house. I bet it is a sight to see someone as tall and as big as me climbing the walls when I see one or couches ,beds etc screaming. I know I look silly. I didn't sleep well at all last night thinking their could be another one somewhere.

Doing Better

I'm very tired today. It seems lately my sleep is just a little off. It has to do mostly with weird dreams that make no senses what so ever. I have been doing very well though physically and mentally. Physically, I'm back to doing light housework and doing some light walking at a very slow pace. Mostly, just walking around the yard and a little bit of getting out and going to the store. Mostly, to the store to just go out. Just really picking up bits and pieces. So, I can leave at anytime that I start getting tired or have chest pain. It has been a real adjustment. I'm used to doing everything fast and walk very fast. I have had to slow down so much since this heart-attack. It has been very frustrating. I do try to keep mentally and physically active in some way because I don't want to fall into a severe depression. As, it is real easy when I'm not active and the whole thing of how I used to be so strong.
It is kind of ironic that I had a heart -attack being as strong as I was. At the same time it wasn't. Mix bad blood pressure and extreme physical exercertion, extreme stress and I realize now not coping with anger is a super bad ingertents for a mild heart attack. Before, I had a heart-attack I was literal acting like a bulldozer removing trees and doing very strentous yard work after being dormant with my shoulder for a couple of months. My judgement was very off as I was very stressed, angry and getting manic. I actually can see how people die of exhaustion now.
It has been a real lesson to me to slow down physically and emotionally. Anger now raises my blood pressure the most. I'm starting to have to talk it out more and not get so angry and stuff it. It also has taught me to pace myself. Pacing myself has been hell. When I want something done , I just want it done (period) I generally wont stop when I want something done or just want to achieve . I get yelled at now if I forget to go at a slower pace. My body also tells me to slow the hell down. Nothing like some chest pain to slow you down. Example, the other day I ran for the phone as the cat knocked it down and I couldn't find it. I totally forgot that I don't jog or run even if it is an important call. It can wait. I felt chest pain. It is so weird I have patients for somethings in life but not for other things. Or my patients can wear thin over a period of time for somethings.Generally, situtations that haven't changed in years or I see very very slow progress with. I'm being evasive but will get to it sometime when I'm ready.
I have been so much more postive in the last ten days. I'm just extremely happy to be alive. It was such a scar. I'm so happy that my heart and blood pressure meds are actually working. I also have less anxiety. I think I confused anxiety for high blood pressure and warning signs for a heart attack and stroke. I used to have severe anxiety attacks at one time and the impending sense of doom and dying is a bit different but similar. The arm hurt different and so did the chest. But as a person that has been in the mental health system for alongtime you start doubting yourself. You label it depression, anxiety, etc. Lesson take physical pain serious and don't think it is in your head as most of the industry will make you believe. I'm very thank-ful J made me go to the hospital. I was lucky J used to work in CCU for years and nag me to go. I generally never listened to J and kept going back when my meds and blood pressure wasn't leveling with meds. They are working great now. I still have some life-style adjustments to do but in time they will get done. Looking forward to life like I haven't in alongtime.

High Blood Pressure

I have had a interesting week. My blood pressure has been off the charts. Some of those lovely jems have beeen 158/120 with a pulse over 120. 165/140 etc. My blood pressure has made me feel terrible. I stayed most of the day at the hospital one day with all sorts of tests, cat-scan to see if I had a stroke and other blood test.

Felt like crap the next day as my blood pressure wasn't lowering at all. I was an emotional mess as I was having angine and some other sysmptoms. Anxiety was taking over and it was bad.

The next day went back to ER with chest pains and high bloood pressure. I was put on two more pills which makes it three. This time the doctor gave me all the paperwork and x-rays and scans for my follow up appoinment I have in May. I found my paperwork interesting as on one page it did indiciate I possible had a heart-attack. I looked at my CBCs also and had levels that where abnormal also. I was dumbfounded that everything was handled in such a sloopy manner. Now I just have to be patient these blood pressure pills will work and slow my very fast heart.

I have to move slower and get some rest as I'm starting down the road of depression as I'm suppose to avoid stress and tension . I laughed at that. I'm not one to just sit my ass on the couch etc. I'm trying to maintain my sanity. When things settle down I will have to make life style changes. Little by little. I just need things to go back to a better normal and I was doing that until this happened.