I'm very tired today. It seems lately my sleep is just a little off. It has to do mostly with weird dreams that make no senses what so ever. I have been doing very well though physically and mentally. Physically, I'm back to doing light housework and doing some light walking at a very slow pace. Mostly, just walking around the yard and a little bit of getting out and going to the store. Mostly, to the store to just go out. Just really picking up bits and pieces. So, I can leave at anytime that I start getting tired or have chest pain. It has been a real adjustment. I'm used to doing everything fast and walk very fast. I have had to slow down so much since this heart-attack. It has been very frustrating. I do try to keep mentally and physically active in some way because I don't want to fall into a severe depression. As, it is real easy when I'm not active and the whole thing of how I used to be so strong.
It is kind of ironic that I had a heart -attack being as strong as I was. At the same time it wasn't. Mix bad blood pressure and extreme physical exercertion, extreme stress and I realize now not coping with anger is a super bad ingertents for a mild heart attack. Before, I had a heart-attack I was literal acting like a bulldozer removing trees and doing very strentous yard work after being dormant with my shoulder for a couple of months. My judgement was very off as I was very stressed, angry and getting manic. I actually can see how people die of exhaustion now.
It has been a real lesson to me to slow down physically and emotionally. Anger now raises my blood pressure the most. I'm starting to have to talk it out more and not get so angry and stuff it. It also has taught me to pace myself. Pacing myself has been hell. When I want something done , I just want it done (period) I generally wont stop when I want something done or just want to achieve . I get yelled at now if I forget to go at a slower pace. My body also tells me to slow the hell down. Nothing like some chest pain to slow you down. Example, the other day I ran for the phone as the cat knocked it down and I couldn't find it. I totally forgot that I don't jog or run even if it is an important call. It can wait. I felt chest pain. It is so weird I have patients for somethings in life but not for other things. Or my patients can wear thin over a period of time for somethings.Generally, situtations that haven't changed in years or I see very very slow progress with. I'm being evasive but will get to it sometime when I'm ready.
I have been so much more postive in the last ten days. I'm just extremely happy to be alive. It was such a scar. I'm so happy that my heart and blood pressure meds are actually working. I also have less anxiety. I think I confused anxiety for high blood pressure and warning signs for a heart attack and stroke. I used to have severe anxiety attacks at one time and the impending sense of doom and dying is a bit different but similar. The arm hurt different and so did the chest. But as a person that has been in the mental health system for alongtime you start doubting yourself. You label it depression, anxiety, etc. Lesson take physical pain serious and don't think it is in your head as most of the industry will make you believe. I'm very thank-ful J made me go to the hospital. I was lucky J used to work in CCU for years and nag me to go. I generally never listened to J and kept going back when my meds and blood pressure wasn't leveling with meds. They are working great now. I still have some life-style adjustments to do but in time they will get done. Looking forward to life like I haven't in alongtime.