Saturday, April 16, 2011

Such As Life-Update

I blogged six days ago and it seems like a life time ago. The many different stressors in my life isn't very helpful for my memory and concept of time. I have been very busy this past last week and the days seem to all go together and it is hard to have a concept of time.

I have a a lot of different stress going on and that is on going. I have the family saga of chaos going on with my sister and daughters accident and my grandma on hospice getting worse by the day. My grandma lives with my mother and so does my daughter even though she is an older teen-ager. I'm the person my mother gets her emotional support from. Sometimes, it is a very hard job but mostly I'm happy with it. Finally after so many years my mother turns to me and trust me with very difficult things in her life. We have had a very rocky relationship at times and a very dysfunctional relationship through out the years. It helps me knowing she always tried over the years even if it was misguided at times. I'm passed most of the resentments. She still does irritate the hell out of me at times but less frequently. Her life is just so majorly chaotic and sometimes is to much for me to listen to or be subjective even though I maintain very good composure on the phone. It just really wrecks me after I get off the phone. I have been trying to get lighter on the phone since life really shouldn't be a train wreck and away to get through life no matter what is going on is to focus not only on the bad. To focus on trauma and tradegy will make you a basket case. The conversations have to be infused with mundane life and escapism to get through the tough times. Also, it helps seeing humour in the very dark. I know from experience as my life has been anything than a bed of roses and filled with all sorts of lovely trauma and tragedy. The more time I dwell in hell the more life becomes hell.

My, dog is also having health problems which is natural because he is an old dog. It is sketchy what he is suffering from but it is a tumour pressing on his bladder or cushions disease. He isn't suffering that much but is making me and J's life hell with getting up at 4 having to go to the bathroom and up again two hours later having to go out. It is interrupting sleep. He drinks so much and has to go to the bathroom so much. Can't be gone for hours either as he has to go all the time. He also pants all the time unless it is very cool and it doesn't help that he likes to be shoved into one or both of us at all times anymore. I just don't know if I can cope very well with him dying which he is. I just really don't think he has much time left. Mr. Brett is so much to me and has been through eleven and a half years of hell and good times with me. He is my bad boy and my ever so loyal loving dog. He is such a sensitive intuned to feelings dog. I used to joke the dog was bipolar because he picks up and acts my mood. He is hyper by nature since he is a Brittany. A wonderful dog if you have high energy. He was my running partner for years and the poor thing has stiff joints now and doesn't run as far but I don't mind as I don't move like I once did either. We jog short distantances when we feel like it and that isn't much for either one of us. He is still active though in the yard and actually had a good day with me doing yard work and preparing the vegetable garden. I played chase with him and for once it was easy. He is more of a calm dog now and just watches me garden and work where as he used to be a hand ful and want to run and play all the time and not sit still up until this last winter.

J is still doing a med change and it has been hell. I see a bigger positive with J getting off some of the doses but J is still physically ill from it and has a range of moods now within a day. It is the withdrawal process and the brain basically thawing out from the freeze it has endured. This is only the beginning and not near over. I keep telling myself it will get better as it has been getting better. Just new things to deal with now.

I have other things such as the house is falling apart and things need to be replaced and the money to buy major appliances and repairs which would stress anyone out.

The list goes on but I have lost my train of thought which is annoying but I will try to go into these things and more at a later date and try to be not interrupted as I'm now. Which is life.

1 comment:

  1. You have alot on your plate. Allow time for peace, for your soul to regenerate.