Monday, June 28, 2010

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonaide

I'm up very early this morning. It has been awhile since, I have got up so early. It is so nice and quiet. I'm drinking coffee and wondering what to blog as nothing particular has been different in my life lately. With it raining a lot , I don't get out much. I did go on a date with J last week and it was fun. We went out to eat and came home to watch a movie. I think it is important not to get into a rut with a relationship. It made for a nice date and we had nice food. Other than that it has been a ton of trudging day to day with life. I have been trying to get out of my rut but I guess I'm not fighting hard enough as I just keep on going in circles. I went off the anti-depressant as I found myself sleeping more and being less productive. My mind just felt like a bag of skittles that busted on the floor. It was all over the place. As much as I detest psych meds I occasional take them when I need to have some adhesive for my brain. I started some haldol and it has been great at holding my fleeting brain together. I will do that until this mood passes and I'm a little more stable like I was in the past. It is a little disheartening that I was pretty OK for 2 years and how I can just fall to pieces this year. I guess it is the nature of the bipolar beast. Back to the basics again and less excuses .

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sometimes Golf Can Teach You A Lesson In Life

Something that made me think the other day was about was a game of golf. I have been somewhat anxious and overwhelmed for awhile . I thought getting out would be good and since I have payed for a season of unlimited golf , I thought I needed to take advantage of it. The weather was actually decent. It has been like non-stop rain for awhile. I was really looking forward to playing since I haven't played in awhile. I showed up ready and looking forward towards playing until I got there. The woman that owns the golf course mentioned to me that It would be nice to have me play on a womens night where they have a league. The thought of playing with other women rattled the hell out of me. Where I wasn't anxious I became anxious. The thought of it made me sick. I made all kinds of excuses to get out of it. I even used the excuse I'm not any good. Well she dispelled that myth about being good when she showed me the score board. The thing is I'm a OK golfer and not awful. I'm awful when I get anxious and rattled though. The thing is I don't want to be around people at this time in my life. It isn't that I don't like people , it is I don't relate on a personal level or want to explain anything to them and my mood prevents me from being around them at this moment. Another thing is I stopped playing competively because it totally ruined a nice game and I was so uptight.
Anyways, I started to golf and I was so rattled about the possibility of playing with other women it really effected my game. I was all over the place and not hitting dead on. For me to play decent, I have to be relaxed and not over thinking like, I do in life. Golf for me is so easy when I'm just in the moment. Just like life is easier when I'm in the moment and living it and not thinking to much. Finally, after doing dismal for several holes, I remember thinking to hell with being so uptight, it isn't like I'm going to play on a league. I got into one of my sillier moments and picked up my club and acted like it was a sword and started sword fighting with J to break the tension. We laughed and some of the tension was broke. I started hitting the ball dead on where it was suppose to go. I didn't look at the obstacle in front of me but the bigger picture and blocked the mental obstacles of the course. I thought about life being like that to. When I see a big wall most of the time I look at the big wall and slam my face in it. Instead of looking over the wall and seeing the bigger picture.
What seemed like a terrible game of golf was good for me as I could get a lives lesson out of it. It was also nice to just get out also. It also felt impowering to get over the anxiety that set in also.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I have a lot of anniversaries this week. Tomorrow, is my seventh anniversary of marriage. Also, this week I have lived in Canada for one year straight without going back and forth to the states. I can't believe I have been married seven years this go around. There has been many up's and downs. We both have been so committed to each other and one others short-coming also. It has also been a long year here getting adjusted. I'm used to the city and not living in a rural area with a small town. That is on going to get used to. I still don't have things near to my satisfaction either. My storage has never really been touched either. It seems out of sight out of mind sort of thing when it has came to getting it out. To be honest this house is to small for my stuff and J needs to get rid of a lot of stuff. Gradually J has got rid of some stuff but is a pack rat. I'm not as attached to stuff and can live without nick nacks and frou frou. Just give me my electronics and golf clubs and I'm happy. I'm happy that I don't have to drag stuff back and forth anymore and have a whole truck load , to unpack every 3-6 months . I also got used to living out of a suitcase and purchasing stuff to make travel easier. I haven't had to spend any money on that stuff any more.
Back to anniversary . I don't know what we will do. If it isn't raining maybe play golf and have a nice dinner. I still don't have a gift for J and will pick one up today. Money is a little hard at the moment with all of our up coming expenses so it will probably be something practical. I like to give big gifts so this will be a little harder for me to be practical and on budget.