Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.


When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.


I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.

Sometimes you just have to get back to basics Bipolar 101

Sometimes, I just need to get back to basics with being Bipolar. That is sleep,eating right, exercising and having me time to heal. Basically taking care of myself. I have been dxed since I was 27 and I'm now almost 37. It has been a long ride for the past 10 years. I also no longer beat myself up for the things I don't do and just take things in stride lately. I'm really trying to beat getting to the hole I'm heading into. I'm also trying not to speculate about the future as I have no control over it and I tend to be a control-freak. I can't control anything of other peoples or even much of my own shit. I try to take it a day or sometimes a hour or a minute at a time. My mood basically sucks and it isn't going anywhere soon. I don't feel like doing anything lately and that doesn't give me an excuse anymore to stop trudging with doing what I need to do. I used to tell myself I couldn't do it. But in all honesty I just didn't want to do the things that make me well. I don't have to feel good to make some strides and take care of myself.
With no energy except the anxiety I took a short jog which made me feel better temporally. I cooked today and had three meals today. I ate a healthy salad and started my extra vitamins. I relaxed today and listened to my favorite music as loud as I wanted and made more play list. I acknowledge the feelings that have been bothering me even though it more less takes time to get over some of the stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I also escaped into magazines today and was trying to distract myself. Most importantly I have a very good friend that will talk with me and I talk to her about her problems. It is always nice to have support . I'm still working on a support system since I have moved over a thousand miles from mine.
I also bought me a Bose docking system as a treat for putting up with life. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in awhile. I also thought I would extend the niceness to taking care of myself with giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I also did a cheap facial and felt relax for awhile. Sometimes , I ignore my appearance and need to remember that is important to have these things done and it boost my ailing self-esteem even when I'm not into it. It is building stones to help me get where I want to be. It is a never ending battle and some days it is as level as it gets but it isn't a cure. Somedays you just need to take a day off and do things for yourself.