Saturday, December 4, 2010

Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.

When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.

I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.


  1. When my impatience with people, cats, machinery et cetera come on - I know it is time to take myself out of the mixture for awhile, all in attempt to avoid the medications, the ward, having to make the excuses - I am lucky in that my wife is somehow able to calm me and distract until she can get me to a safer place. I live not only with bi-polar spectrum disorder with psychosis but chronic pain as well, and when the pain peaks it causes all the effort of control to spin wildly and quickly down - I need my pain meds, today crying a bit while trying to nap after snow blowing the drive I could only think that I wanted to vanish into Hawaii or the mountains to live as a crazy monk on a mountain. _ I am rambling in your comment section. Sorry, you brought it out of me and I guess I needed to talk about it right now.

  2. Thanks, for commenting. I can relate with the bipolar with psychois. Thankfully, I don't have chronic pain. I'm hoping to have not remove myself for long as I just can't tolerate people at the moment. I will probaly start little baby steps back into society .

  3. Found your blog, really interested in what you have to say. I suffered from a manic episode last year and my doc is trying to decide if I have bipolar disorder. I can definitely relate to what you have to say though. When I was manic, I was belligerent, confrontational and violent towards people. I never shied away from people though, I enjoyed messing with people too much which is how I ended up at the ward.

    I do believe that a walk to the mall to do some shopping can be therapeutic, but I prefer walking by myself for at least an hour in a park or a lake. No music. It is very relaxing.

    But you are right, we have to take responsibility for our mental illnesses. We have to listen to our doctors and take our meds as uncomfortable as it may seem.

  4. Thanks, for taking the time to read my blog. I have at times in the past liked messing around with people also. I can relate. It seems over the years the flavour of my illness changes as I age. I also like the isolation that I'm afforded now . It keeps me out of a lot of trouble and out of hospital.

  5. This is so weird. I just read your comment on my blog and I responded to it, and THEN I came here to read about who you are and what you're about and read this post... and realized that I used some of the exact same words as you did in my response to you- we're in very similar places sometimes. I have to say I was pretty shocked to read that you're experiencing "dysphoric mania" as well... and just the erratic sleep and everything, it's like what I'm going through as well. I'm glad to have met you. I am not glad you're suffering like this. I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you somehow... Jane

  6. I can really relate to being dysphoric. It is a real pain in the rear. The comforting thing is I know it won't last forever. It is my most predominant mood though. It is getting better with more snow on the ground and being so bright even though it is so cold. When the days get a little longer my mood will pick up also. Not very long till the winter soltice:) Adding more vitamin d to the mix seems to be helping also. Thanks, for taking the time to check out my blog:)