Friday, April 20, 2012

Yikes, A Mouse

I thought I would write since I can't sleep. I have been up for awhile. I went to bed to early yesterday and have been up since about 3am. The cat has me in sheer panic as she caught a mouse in the kitchen and let it go in the living room. It isn't dead and she is hunting all over the house for it. Mice I'm terrible afraid of and will make me scream like a little girl. If you know me or have seen me it seems very stupid and very unlike me to be upset with such a small creature.

We live in the country so we get some visits from a mouse or two once in awhile and I should be used to it by now but I'm not. Part of me is scared she injured that thing and it is going to die somewhere and stink to high hell.

Lets see what has been going on? Not much but it does seem like this week has gone in a fog. I have been trying to get more things done even if I backslide on some days. I have made important appointments which I have been neglecting. One is to get the brakes fixed. They sound so terrible. Been putting it off till  we have more money but it isn't going to wait. Tried like hell to find my battery charger for my camera also but it seems to been lost with the remodel. So reordered a new one. Hopefully, it will get here fast as I'm in the mood to take pictures lately. I do though have my dslr. Which , I need to practice more on since I'm lousy with it. Got the flamingos out and actually pick up the back yard of most of it's debree since winter. The snow has been gone for about a month now. Changed those pesky pot lights also. Two of them where out and made it very dim in the kitchen. Finally fixed one of the clocks in the living room that chime every half hour and hour. It sounded like a dying cow before I changed the battery. Made a order of a whole rear portion of beef also when I stopped in at the butcher to get some of the most wonderful steaks. That order should last us into next year.

The sun has been elusive except for about two days. Had a nice cook out one day with those fresh steaks and enjoyed the sun. It has been wacky weather. One day it is warm then the next day we have flurries. I just want some sun as I thrive when it is sunny. I want to golf badly but next weeks forecast is terrible. I wanted to go Tuesday since it is my birthday. I still really don't have plans for that except that day it is suppose to rain then snow. Maybe, the forecast will change. I don't really want anything for my birthday as I have pretty much what I want. I guess if I could have something it would be for my brain to behave for awhile.  Also, to finally to get out of this rut once and for all. I'm struggling with it. I keep trying to tell myself to just plug on and in time I will come out of it like I usually do. I should generally be hypomanic this time of year. Rushing around and doing everything and buying god knows what. I haven't except a clock to replace the broken one in the kitchen. It is an Alice and Wonderland clock that says We are all Mad here. She is talking to the Cheshire Cat .
So fitting for my household.

Pink Flamingos

Here is the pic of the flamaingos One brave Duck. It is in the backyard against a abandoned sailboat. They also make me smile as they are quirky.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


I'm trying to put the week behind me. I have been pretty emotionally tired. I also realize I need a break from my crazy life and need to reflect on the small things like this. This is a picture from my backyard in the mornings.

Lately, nothing much has excited me. I have been in survival mode with J's mood and psychosis. It has got better but I'm drained. I did manage to get tickets to something that I like very much though. In may BB. King is having a concert at the Casino near by. His concert is pretty late for this old woman so we are going to get a room and stay the night even though it is just a 2 hour drive back. I really look forward to something that is totally about me and J. Totally can't afford it but it is worth it. It seems Murphy law is working again and more things are breaking down so it was hard to justify this. It is hard to plead being broke and to do this. But, I really will enjoy it. I need it badly also. Something always in life comes up that needs to be fixed etc.

I really need to get back to the basics and enjoying the great things I have also. It seems I have all this stuff in the house that is still in the box. It is insane. I bought a Wii one year and have all these new games I haven't used. I also have Mario-Kart and a Wii fit plus I received as presents but never opened. I also really need to rat myself out about I still have a top of the line treadmill and exercise bike in it's box also. All stored away waiting for me to become active again. I finally started using my Kindle Fire that I got for x-mas last month. So, maybe their is some hope for me. I really haven't enjoyed life for about the last two years. The girls dying one summer . Then last summer my father and grandmother dying. All the other crazy shit that has been going on in between with my health to other things.
The thing is I need to just turn the page and start living again . Shit happens. Then you move on. I finally am starting to get that yearning again to live. I can feel my depression lifting. It sounds odd but I was at the store yesterday and seen pink flamingos and bought those tacky tacky birds. I had such a laugh looking at them and even more embarrassed to put them in the buggy. I haven't thought about the yard or anything in ages. Now for me to put them out today and not let them sit in a box. As, I'm coming out of my box this time of year maybe just maybe I will get the other things out of there box also. I will start small with getting back to walking so I can start running again. I need fresh air. I need to get back to me again . I really do miss me being more alive and not a fixture on the couch all winter long.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Crazy Day

I had such a chaotic day yesterday. It was so frustrating . It started when J woke up psychotic. Which I try to ignore as much as possible not to trigger her more and just try to stay out of the way until J says or does something really over the top. That is when the phone rings and it is my mother. Nothing ever goes well with planning anything with my mother. We have been planning the trip of  my daughter to come and see me this summer. Sounds, easy but it isn't.  She calls and says she doesn't see the price of ticket that I see and the ticket she sees is about 400.00 more. I get on my computer and do a search and yep my price is right. I ask her what airport code she is using and hers is wrong. The complex part of getting the ticket is my daughter is 17 and you can't buy a ticket without airlines consent unless your 18. 17 is considered a child. It is very stupid to me but the rules are the rules.

I tell her to call the travel agency to book the flight with the flight number and pay the extra booking fee because it is so much easier than trying to figure out what airline she can fly etc. I will pay the extra 25 bucks to avoid the hassle. I don't want to use my credit card anymore so I tell her to pay for it and I will send a cheque. She books it and everything and then the trouble begins. She can't find K's passport. The ticket has to have the name it has on the passport. My mom calls me back and says she can't find K's passport. We both about freak because K is so scatterbrained. Never puts anything up , loses everything. My mom booked a non-refundable flight.

That is when the anxiety kicked in. Also, in the background J is every so psychotic and when I'm not watching takes a shower etc. Fine one would think but then I go into the bedroom and ask J why are you naked and why are you in bed. I get the most bizarre answer. "I took a shower to get ready for my death" Puzzled , I ask have you done something to yourself? "No, I just feel like I'm dying and I'm saving Hugh (Funeral guy) the effort of washing my body" I respond you do remember when someone dies they shit and piss all over themselves so really they would have to do that again you know. I get some clothes out of the draw and say put these on and come out of the bedroom. I don't trust you alone with how your acting. I wait and go to the kitchen where J's pills are . I take out one of her anti-psychotics and wait for J. I said here take this , you really truly are bonkers today. J acknowledges it and takes the pill. We go back to talking about my mother and daughter and how crazy the both of them are.(lol) It distracts J until the pill kicks in. I ask is there anything I can do for you . I know the pill has kicked in because I'm asked for a huge piece of pie. Serqueol tends to give people the munchies. J eats the pie and retires to bed for most of the day.

While, I put the fire out there the anxiety is kindling in my chest to full blown anxiety attack. I really try deep breathing. I tell myself BREATH. It helps some. I call my mom back and bitch and bitch about K's irresponsibility. I also bitch that my mom knows better than to book that damn flight without passport in hand because by now K's forgetfulness has been noted on many occasions etc.

Hang up try to text K but K isn't responding and isn't responding to her voice messages from my mother either. K finally picks up and gets an attitude with my mother for asking where in the hell is her passport. She responds she doesn't know. Maybe, it is at her fathers. That is when both me and my mother think oh shit. If it was he is such a asshole petty vengeful man he would just say it is lost because he doesn't want her to come and see me anyway. I have the scenario that she will have to reapply and that would be such a nightmare as it was the last time she first applied because of asshole ex's permission etc.
I call back and decide to let go of all this drama. I said if she can't find her passport I'm not going through the passport process again. We will try to pay a fee to get that ticket cancelled some how some way. I just can't do this and all this anxiety producing crap.

A hour later the passport was found and the ticket was fully booked. J was fine for the rest of the day even if J was a zombie. Which was better than J being a threat to J and others.  Watched some tv and then went to bed myself. Laid in bed trying not to relive the day and have my thoughts all over the place. Do some focusing on the tension in my body and let the tension go. Boom fell asleep.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I'm trying to get into my writers frame of mind for QQW. It has been a little harder for me to think this week so if I seem vague forgive me. Participating in this has made me think more than I usually do. It gives my brain a real work out. It also makes me really think how much do I actually want to disclose about my life in the past and makes me aware that I really don't share very deeply. Something, in time I want to change.

The first question :What is your current coping mechanism or one that you would recommend to deal with bipolar? Yaya . Yaya, one good thing with Bipolar is I realize my mood changes and nothing is ever permeant. I tell myself often it will change in time. I also try to do a lot of breathing exercises for my anxiety. Most of my life I always have practiced some sort of escapism also. Some healthy some not so healthy. I also notice when I'm off I'm not eating right either. I try to eat healthy. I try to also distract myself not to consume myself with my mood.

Second Question:Given the opportunity and you could go back in time, what would you do differently or are you happy with where you are now? (CoffeyPot) If I had to go back in time I would try not to be so impulse and indulge in so much impulsive self destructive behaviour. I also for the most part am happy with my life now and all the crap that used to be my life made me more wise and responsible. It also made me more able to deal with myself now. I have had a ton of experience making many mistakes. I also am more comfortable with myself now.

Third Question:What brought you to Canada? Weather? Bears? Or . . .? on (Rob) A relationship with a Canadian. Also the politics, civil rights. Hard to remember since the Harper government is stomping on so many at the moment.

Fourth Question: I see that you enjoy reading autobiographies, so do I! What type of people/stories do you most enjoy reading about, and if you had to choose just one, which autobiography would be your favorite(Josie 2 Shoes) I like reading about many peoples lives. From the famous to the not so famous. I think that is why I enjoy reading so many blogs about all sorts of people. My favorite autobiography was by Emily Carr called Growing Pains. Emily Carr is a Canadian writer and famous painter. A recent autobiography I read was very touching about a bipolar mother called Letters from a Bipolar Mother: Chronicles of a fractured life by Alyssa Reyans.

Fifth Question: My question is are you a morning person of does the thought of getting up early make you want to pull the covers over your head and pretend it is still night time?(Joanne Ramblings) I'm a morning person and love getting up early. Do most of my best thinking in the morning.

Last question: What's the most scared you've ever been as a result of your own actions.(The ranting monkey) Wow, this made me really cringe because I have had so many resulting from my own foolish actions. Being bipolar doesn't help either or at one time being an addict along time ago. I have so many it is hard to decide.  So, I will use something that was foolish from the present which actually has a positive message. Last year, It was in April , I had a mild heart - attack. You probably are wondering how I had any responsibility in it.  Well, I didn't pay attention to my physical health and was very sedentary all winter long. I had very bad high blood pressure that I never paid attention to and never went to the doctor in years. It is very typical how it happened. I went to clean the yard after winter time and clean up and pushed my body beyond it's limits and wasn't aware how horrible my blood pressure was. I was in denial about the whole thing until laying in a hospital bed with J looking very worried about me. J doesn't show worry. J was in crisis mode and I know that look very well. I think that is when I started to think wow it is really happening. It scared me that I had no control what so ever . I have tried to kill myself several times but had control to a certain extent. But I had no control over what was happening at the time and I felt so powerless. I really didn't want to die that way as life was OK at the time. Since, then I really monitor my blood pressure and don't try to be week-end warrior or being a human bulldozer. It made me feel very mortal and not young any more. It made me more aware that I have to take care of my health. It forced me to take care of my physical health better. Even though I'm struggling at the moment to take care of it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

One question Wed.

This is the time of the week you can ask me any question and I will try to answer it the best I can tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Answering Questions

The first question I received was by Josie. The question was What is the most fun vacation memory you cherish, and what would be your fantasy of the perfect time away?

 Wow, That is a hard one and I will try to keep it shorter than I like. I could post and post about favorite vacations. I have had many awesome vacations. I have been a very fortunate person to have travelled a lot and to have many vacations. My vacations and favorite ones depends on my moods though and what I need at the time I take them. I have done of a lot of impulsive vacations also. Boom my bags are pack and I'm gone in a couple of days after a little research. So, I guess if I have to pick one and in the mood I'm in I would have to say it would be one of the peaceful ones I have took to Lake Superior. I try to camp their every year. It is peaceful and full of serenity. The most noise you hear are is the  crashing wake. The water forms caps from the wind and it crashes all against the rocks. The wonderful sand beaches that line where we stay is such a treat. I tend to walk them or jog on them everyday when we are there. I also try to mediate by the water in the morning using the waves as my mantra. I love camp cooking also. I seem more organized. Structure comes so easily to me when I camp. It seems that I use all my senses when I camp. Northern Ontario seems to be a wonderful place for me and so majestic with beauty. It is also so relaxing. I can seat in a lounge chair all day and just watch the waves, birds etc. I also love to read and read . I also get to indulge in photography which I like to do also. It seems I get to engage in all my favorite things when I go camping.

The second part is really dreaming but my fantasy time away would to be able to travel Europe for a month by myself. I want to be selfish and only do the things I want to do. I love other cultures and very curious so doing something like this would be very stimulating. I would love to go to older hotels and just be waited on. I would love to try all the different foods. (I'm a foodie) I would love to go to all the museums and spend endless hours wandering them. I would love to visit Spain and lay on many of the beaches they have and just be. Travel around on a train and get lost on whim in each country. Explore the less travelled path and not do such the touristy thing and get to learn the customs of some of the different countries also.

Next question was by Ranting Monkey. Here is the question.Is there a song you hear that instantly improves your mood every time you hear it and if so, what song is it?

I love music but the one that popped off the top of my head was I feel so pretty from The West side story. Song and Video   It makes me smile and laugh.

The next question is by One Brave Duck. The question is :  How do you define bravery and do you consider yourself a brave person?

Yikes, you made me think and think on this. Oh I could probably ponder this for days. I will try to condense this as much as I can. I really thought about this for hours after it was asked and it isn't very simple for me to define. It also made me think about myself and others also. Bravery to me isn't defined in the dictionary for me and tend to think it is way to simplistic and doesn't reflect the idea very well and I tend to disagree with it. I think courage goes hand and hand with bravery. I also think their are many different types of bravery. Such as physical, moral and physicological. I think for me it is to feel the fear in situations in life and do it anyway. Also, to stand up to what I believe whether it is comfortable or not. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The second part of the question is do I consider myself a brave person. Not anymore. I used to be braver. I have been becoming more comfortable with being a person that no longer rocks the boat as I used to rock the boat all the time. I also have became more cynical. I have become complacent in life also. Seems , I don't much reach out of my comfort zone in the past couple of years.

The last question comes from The thoughts of a Bipolatr ftm : Do you use any simple techniques to improve a day that is going or has gone bad?

Yes, I try to breath a lot . Lots of deep breaths. I also try to distract myself usually with something brainless. Like stupid TV or cleaning. Something general to escape. It could be anything such as reading fiction etc. Depends on what I'm trying to get through the day with and my mood. Sometimes , also I just go for a walk. Sometimes, I just try to go back to bed and sleep the day away until another day. Sometimes, I will play a game. Sometimes, I journal. Sometimes, if it is real bad I don't move from one spot as all I have to do to stay safe is stay in one spot such as don't get off the couch. I also listen to music a lot also.

Wow, that was harder than I thought. I had to use my brain. Thank - you for all the questions!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

One Question Wednesday

I'm going to particpate in One Question Wednesday .If you have questions about it you can link up to Josie2shoes It is a way to meet other bloggers and know them better. It is also away to ask any question and have it answered. Just leave your question in the comments below anytime between now and Wednesday evening, and I'll answer them in a post on Wednesday night. You can also get more facts from this from The Ranting Monkey.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Twilight Zone

It has been a very long 8-9 days. We ended up staying in Cambridge for 8 days. J's mother fell the second day we where there. We took them out to dinner and at the restaurant she fell coming in. It was a violent fall . We took her to the Er where we spent about 9 hours waiting for the results of xrays to tell us if she broke her shoulder and hip. She still doesn't have her mobility that she did before she fell but according to the xrrays she didn't break anything. The good news is she got more home health care. She already had some but we made sure we stayed and got everyday help.

We don't still know if they will allow the ladies to do what they need to do. They have declined services we have set up before. It is frustrating to us they will not except the help they need and seem very ungrateful. They need to be in a home as one is very demented and the other is starting to get that way. We have no say if they go to a home as J doesn't have power of attorney and J's brother does. He is in denial and think they can manage. He is also chicken shit and I could say much more but I don't feel like wasting my time on such a sad creature.It pisses us off to no end because we are so powerless and we know both of them are a disaster waiting to happen.

While we where waiting on services for them-phsyo-ot-bath lady-general help. Me and J performed all the task they needed for a week. I did the cooking and cleaning. J did all the nurse stuff as she was a RN for 25 years. Needless to say we are tired. I cooked vast amounts of food and froze them up for them in containers. I had about 10 meals frozen. The last day we where their |I| had a container of chili that I had prepared and was going to put it in there freezer when I discovered all the meals I made them where missing. I had J look as I thought where the hell could all that food be. We where just about to leave and get out for good. I was confused. They threw all the food I made them away. I have no clue why either. J's parents aren't the best honest communicators. We where driving back to the motel and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I cooked for days, cleaned for days did anything they wanted for days. Most of all I kept my mouth shut for days and didn't get into any argument. I just felt very hurt and used. I have dropped it. I can't determine logic when those people are so illogical. That is crazy to throw away that food. If they didn't like it they should of said so and I would of took it home with me. I spent a lot of time and money fixing that stuff and it makes no sense that you would throw away healthy whole food to be left with TV dinners since they don't cook anymore. I do know one thing I done with them. I wash my hands. I will not use my limited resources to help them. I will not use all my energy for ungrateful people when I have not much to give anyway. Where I'm left washed up drinking like a drunk in the evening to get through the hell. Did, I mention these people have over a quarter of a million dollars and we end up broke helping them because they are cheap mother fuckers. No more! I will get a vacation this year and it wont be in another ER or being a god damn maid.

 They do treat me like a maid also which just ruffles my feathers. I have been married to J for 8 years and been with J a little over 10. They barely acknowledge we are married. I'm introduced to people as J's friend. I generally ignore it as I know my in-laws are bigots and I have just accepted that. Actual my mother in law isn't but she is severally demented so she knows I belong and remembers me but doesn't know the relationship. J's father on the other hand is a mean spirited man. Who is the bigot and racist.It makes my skin crawl. I was so embarrassed when we where in ER and he thinks he is whispering and says racist remarks about the different people in ER waiting. I was horrified and I did apologize when I could for such terrible behaviour. J was embarrassed also as we are not that way and it makes us very anger hearing remarks  of hate and misunderstanding a group of people . I do know how it is to be hated on and be treated in a hateful manner. It is ugly and ignorant etc.  

I'm at home now and I'm so thankful to be at home. It is so wonderful even if I have a ton to do and catch up on. I have felt like I have been in the twilight zone. It has been so surreal and I can gradual get back to my own life and state my opinions and have them.