tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25517865054566083342024-03-18T23:09:21.971-04:00Ramblings of a Mad WomanMy blog is about my life. It is the ramblings of my life as a Bipolar person. This is just one label I have as I'm many things. I invite you to explore my ramblings of life.Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.comBlogger238125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-32780653188855791572015-08-02T06:30:00.000-04:002015-08-02T06:30:04.720-04:00updateWow, I haven't posted since December of last year. Time flies. I have had writers block and a little gun shy to share my life.<br />
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Well, the cancer was removed. I ended up having four areas in the breast removed. I'm doing well and not afflicted by that anymore. I cant say all my health problems are gone but Im working on it.<br />
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My marriage is still topsy turvy . Lately, more good days than bad anymore. It is so weird, we both stopped smoking last week and have been getting along well. J has been going for so many test lately every week because she is declining again. We have been talking more this past last month.<br />
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I took up piano in February. Lately, I have been struggling to make myself go. I'm in some mood where I cant be bothered but deep in my head i know I need to go , I know it is the right thing to go most of the time. I cancelled last week. I go once a week. Even had a spring concert this year. So much anxiety. I did it though and showed up and played my piece. Not bad for a person who never wants to get out period, Funny thing , Im not even sure , I like the piano very much. Most of the time , I'm truly indifferent to it. I do love music though. nce<br />
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I have grew out my hair . Being sick , I lost 50lbs and Im still loosing. I have been trying graduated exercise tolerance for about almost a year now . I started off not lifting any weight , then I added 5lbs and went up to 10. When Im as sick as a dog , I lift that dumbbell every day and do exercises on my shoulder and it has been helping a lot with my blown shoulders and just general tone of my arms. It prevents them from seizing up and hurting as badly. Strengthening them has lead to less pain over all. I still have pain days though and that is when I smoke some weed. It works for me. Hopefully, soon I will be trying some cream that you apply topically on sore areas . I have many areas that hopefully mj cream will help with. You dont get high from topically mj cream , btw. It doesn't have the psychoactive properties.<br />
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Recently, stopped smoking. It isn't going well. I'm so emotional. Im either bouncing off the walls or sleeping. I have been recently been going out for slushies . I cant be bothered to go out just for that but strange things happen. The straw is a bonus to chew on. I have been enjoying these outings recently. 24 mile round trip for a slushy .<br />
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My bipolar is shit! I stay mixed mostly. It is what it is and moods fortunately change. I hope it changes soon :)<br />
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Their are some other things but I dont want to discuss them. I think I would if this blog was private, I would. It is a thought to make my blog private. I'm thinking about it to be honest. This is a small attempt to get back into blogging. I hope it works.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-67191350145407523892014-12-05T10:26:00.002-05:002014-12-05T10:26:42.016-05:00Very long update....I don't even know where to start since the last time I blogged. So much has gone on in my life since August....<br />
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To start off I have been manic for months. It started when I reduced my meds coupled with some extreme stress. I went into a full blown mania. It was really reminisce of a mania I had in my late 20's. This one didn't end so badly as the one in my 20's that latest for years. Even my shady brain barely listening to me started to get nervous. When I'm in a full blown mania , the more chaos the better. I did manage to really stress myself out so much that I just couldn't keep up with all my mayhem while being physically sick. I did make a good go of it though. My body isn't young anymore and the manias are more hellish on me physically now. I do admit I was in a terrible physical state when I became manic. I had no stamina , no energy, etc. That was one of the reasons I reduced my anti-psychotics. It did make me so sluggish physically and was messing with my heart.<br />
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Well, what have I been up to some might ask. Well, everything that comes with mania, with me. One of the big ones that I totally mess up my life with is something a lot of bipolars avoid talking about and that is hyper sexuality. I started to look at a dating sight in the beginning of September, Messed around with it. Never in a thousand years did I think anyone would find that I was desirable. Well, I was stupid ,naive and in some sort of denial. Many people thought I was attractive. I didn't want to have an affair in the small area that I live either. Been there done that and it never ends up well when you shit where you eat. When this person started to flirt and inbox me from a place 500 miles away was oh this might work. I always want to see the city she lived by and she also was also French Canadian. I thought that might be interesting . Her dating profile was something I would never consider as we where polar opposites . I thought it would be fun and most of all exciting. She really stroked my ego for a couple of weeks and most of all provided tons of cyber sex before I actually met in person. I ended up not being to pleased when I met her . I discovered she wasn't out of the closet and I ended up questioning whether she was even a lesbian. The personality differences also clashed. I can look over look most things with a booty call but she was so very rude and a princess. My time with her was a rollercoaster ride that made me feel like shit in the end. When I was going back to the bus station , I knew I never was probably going to see her again. She wanted also a relationship and I didn't. I just wanted a mistress . I was upfront from the very beginning .<br />
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Let me take a step back as this is very important to this story. The beginning of September I was ill so I started going to my nurse practitioner. She wanted to say I was just very stressed from the very few things I told her about my life . Mostly, about taking care of J. She never spoke to me before and just wanted to give me something for my anxiety and send me to therapy. I declined the benzos and thought about therapy but didn't want to get caught up in the very terrible system for the mentally ill around here. Even the mentally ill isn't in that particular system. I had some other big reasons not to get involved also. I told her I knew what was anxiety and what was physical . I told her I would be more satified if she would actually run test on everything . She treated me like I was neurotic and nothing a nice walk wouldn't cure. I had her order blood work, ecg, mammogram, pap, and probaly some stuff I forgot about. I knew I was sick contrary to her telling me to take a walk. My blood pressure was so off the charts again. I started to have a period for two weeks out of the month. I had discharge coming out of one of my breast. I had to use a chair to do dishes. I was so physically drained all the time. I lost about 40 lbs by that point with just having no appetite and being nauseous all the time. Most days , I would vomit at least once a day. More when I was coming off the pysch pills. Well the first thing that showed up was some abnormal reading I cant remember from my ecg. Then at the same time my mammogram and ultrasound came up they seen something. My busted down body became overwhelming . I decided that with my healthcare I wanted to work at one issue at a time. I had another repeat of my mammogram and ultsound and it came up with the same results of two tumors, lesion and calcification , It didn't look well to them so they scheduled a biopsy . <br />
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During this I was having an affair. It helped so much not to think about all the stuff that was going on with me. I used it to numb myself from any of the reality I was facing. It made my life worth facing. It made my life worth living. \My home life really was at a all time low with J. We fought all the time. I was also very pissed and resentful that J wasn't even trying to full fill any of my needs. I have been on my own with my emotional and physical needs for about 2 years. One of those years I have empathy and sympathy for J but not that other year. I was also sick of my non life with J. My life at that point was waiting on J all the time and taking care of all of Js needs. Lots and lots of tv. I became so fed up with not living and being shrouded in all the negativity of this house. Especially, J having a pity party every day. I couldn't take it. It felt that I was slowly dying with J also.<br />
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J was so very upset at me with the affair. I didn't really give a shit at the time. I was an asshole in the fact I knew J couldn't do a damn thing to me or even divorce me. J needs me to take care of her. To be honest I would of left on my own awhile ago even before the affair if J wasn't sick and dying. During all the fighting and all the jealousy , mud flinging etc. We finally came to a truce and actually get along a lot better now.<br />
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Geez, this is so out of order and probably need to fix it but I will just get this jumbled mess out. I forgot to add the one night stand I had coming home from my affair. I had a stop in Toronto. I couldnt find a connecting bus in hours for the place I live in. So, my phone was about dead . I seen a bar across the street. I went to have a drink and to charge my phone and text J about my dilemma . I just wanted to get a hotel downtown. J wanted me to go to her brothers house. I was to get out of the bar and go to her brothers. I didn't want to . I thought if I drank enough it wouldn't bother me to go to B's . Well by the time I started having tequilla shots with the rest of the bar and partying , I hooked up with someone. It was real surreal to me even as intoxicated as I was. Mostly, because it was a man. I'm not very picky about what sex someone is when I'm hyper sexual. I'm also very into very kinky sex which can be over the top. It is easier to find some sex starved fool at a bar. I can always find someone to play with and do what I want in that setting. My cynical side always said bars where cheaper than a high class hooker. I never understood people who would look for a relationship in a bar setting. Sex yes . Relationship , No. I regress.<br />
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I came back home after 4 days from my adventure across the province . I was very tired , very sore, very emotional. I was so active in those 4 days. I used muscles that haven't seen the light in awhile. Tried to party like I was in my 20's. Womanizing takes it's toll also. Sex can be a pretty powerful addiction that I seem to escape into when I'm manic. Especially , when your very obsessed with it. In my mind , a little voice said don't go there! Don't open up that can of worms. My mind would be nagging in the back ground. Then the big part took over. It said what do you have to loose. Have fun while your able to. What is the worse that can happen? Take a gamble. Live life. Because i wasn't living life at all up till my affair. I wasn't even hardly getting out of the house. Life became something I hated waking up to everyday. J was so depended on me and super whiny, clingy. Not the person I have ever knew. I detached myself totally emotionally from J. Started with simple things that I also wouldn't do for J . Started , to make J start gradually taking care of herself even if it was a struggle. Started for the first time since J was sick to make boundaries. I started to take care of what I needed. I needed a break. J had became so consuming . I had none of me left . I only have myself to blame about that. No one knows how to take care of someone that is extremely limited until they have to. Until, my snap, I wasn't dealing with with J's at all except to cater to J's needs and demands . Some even real diva like. I was just so full of grief. Grief also what our relationship became and my life became.<br />
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Ok... Back on track. Two days later after I come home, I had a multiple biophys on different spots on my right breast. I waited almost 3 weeks until I got the results. I was dx with breast cancer. My tumors where benign but other areas indicated early breast cancer. I'm also to have another biopsy on another area now. So, after about another 2 weeks after the results, I talk to the surgeon again and he wants to remove all my fibrocystic disease and well as investigate another area of my breast. The fibrocystic disease happens to be a lot of breast tissue. I still need to hear back about the exact date of my surgery. It will be sometime this month up until the 6th of next month. I'm more annoyed at the prospect than scared. I find having cancer a total inconvenience. I worry about taking care of J. So after my affair , I started to de stress my life. I couldn't concentrate on that anymore. I needed to free my time up to taking care of business.<br />
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I really started to make headway with starting to organize everything in my life. Started to deal with the blow back of my life in ruins. I'm still working on it. I'm scrambling for time. I started to do everything I put on hold even though I was sick. I have been running on pure adrenaline for months. My body just hasn't liked activity at all. I have worked my chronically painful body . I was in such pain with my shoulders, I figured out that I needed to rehab them on my own. To start building up every area of my back,and shoulders. It started out as simple stretching every day several times a day. It was very painful. Then I added weights after my body got used to being stretched every way appropriate. I discovered a 5lb weight when stretching acted as traction for my shoulders. It began to feel good and not painful. With my body not being in so much pain , I started to really start getting our house together. One of my friends challenged me to get J's studio in order. Which over the years became a junk room and not an area where J did art. Well when I started to tackle that and realize I needed to do the whole house along with it. I realized that everything ended up in the studio because I just didn't know what to do with all the junk. The studio would just end up a junk heap in a week if I didn't address the whole house. Well it has been a real challenge and I'm still working on it. Working on it also I have started to make everything handicap friendly. Everything more accessible for myself and J. I have to make everything as simple as possible for me and J. I won't be able to lift for awhile after my surgery. Loads of physical work around here.<br />
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I also started to cross country ski. I wanted to start skiing after a few years of doing nothing and to get serious about it. I joined the ski club and managed to get proper technique lessons. It has pushed my out of shape body to the limits. Now all of our snow is gone so I have been waiting for another base again.<br />
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Most of all , all this shit has started to pay off with my relationship with J. J doesn't take me for granted as much. I don't take J for granted as much. We have started to become friends again. We have started to use manners again with each other. I have became much more thoughtful with J. I have became less angry. Less bitter about life in general. I even started to believe in myself again. I have seen sides of myself that I haven't seen in years. Good and bad. I started to have confidence in myself . I learned to totally rely on myself for my needs and that I was very capable. It takes me awhile to refigure things out after being kicked in the teeth from life but I do learn. I have been grieving life for about 3-4 years with so many unfair things that have happened. I was so consumed by my anger , I just totally stopped living it. My mania jarred me out of such complacency. It has been a real mess to clean up on so many levels of financially, emotionally etc. It has took me more to even admit how messed up I have been. I have tried to hide from many people. Only let about two people into my very messy life. <br />
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This has became a mini novel so if you made it to this point I'm so surprised. I'm even confused by my sequence of writing. If you understand my train of thought , I suggest a very good psychiatrist and a hell of a lot of therapy. My brain still isn't right but I'm working on it. It still is so jumbled . But for right now this is enough.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-84351547525704901332014-08-14T08:23:00.002-04:002014-08-14T08:23:28.253-04:00A blessingThe oddest thing happened yesterday . It is actually something fantastic. Let me weave you a story. This is more of J's story than my own. As most people know J is very sick and dying slowly. J went to her doctor recently for an interaction with her blood pressure pills.Also , to see if she was trudging along. The doctor knows J fairly well. Asked J for the first time how her mood was. J is bipolar also. J answered terrible . She was severely depressed but didn't want to ask for help with it as she can't take anti-depressants . So NO she didn't want to go to see the psychiatrist. The doctor then asked if she wanted to be referred to see a therapist. She said sure it couldn't hurt even if it didn't help. It went through J's mind that I called her doctor and told him how depressed and despondent she has been. I didn't do anything of the sort. J's mental illness is hers to treat or not treat even if it can be hell. I did tell J that she needed a therapist since she isn't sharing her pain with me or anyone. J has shut everyone out completely.<br />
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The doctor said someone would get a hold of her. A couple of days went by and J was irritated no one called yet. We where watching a show in the afternoon. J's phone rang. I asked if she knew the number and she didn't. She turned down the tv so she could hear. I could hear that she was talking to some lady but then I knew who that lady was. It was Js old therapist that moved out of the area . It was A. I thought A was totally out of Js life. J went to A for 5 y ears and then A moved out of the area and J never thought in a million years she would ever see her again. J's mentally health went down the drain when A moved away. She went through a string of half assed therapist that really did nothing to help and the doctors dwindled to most not even coming to this satellite area. We live in a very rural area where mental health is sub-contracted out and we get visiting psychiatrist once a month from Toronto. The therapy was such a mess at the one clinic.They offer it now at that the main doctors offices. They now employ three women that aren't in anyway affiliated with the mental health clinic. The Therapist that called J was back in town and working with the doctors office and she seen J's name and asked if she could take her as a client.We where just floored that A was back in town.<br />
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The day before J said if A was here things might be brighter. She never thought in a million years A would be back and that was wishful thinking. Well I'm so relieved that A is back. J has very terrible trust issues and never would get down deep enough with anyone else. I asked J the other day wouldn't it be nice to resolve some of your issues so you would be happier. J answered me , "Why would I want to resolve my issues ?' ' I'm dying'. My issues no longer matter. I just didn't know what to say to J. I just said maybe you might be at peace with yourself as clearly you aren't and are very angry. Maybe, who ever you get will help you with the stages of death and not get stuck in one of those 5 stages. J is stuck in anger. Nothing helps with Js angry mood. I have been at a complete loss on J's mood and needs. I have felt so totally helpless and hopeless when it comes to J's emotional well-being.<br />
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A really is an angel. It makes me teary to think that she is back. Happy tears , that J has an outlet for her well-being. Js trust has been broke severely with therapist in this area. Help has eluded J for many years when it comes to decent care both mentally and physically. Even about 7 years ago J went to the states for help with her substance abuse issues as it was hopeless here. I could write a book on what useless fill in the blank . help is here and lack of and you better get your big girls pants out because your on your own in this area. Anyway, A really is a blessing . I never thought blessings happen to us but out of no where and no hope A has came back for the end of J's life as she was there for the first couple of years for Js venture in the mental health area. If it wasn't for A's foundation J would of succumbed to her bipolar years ago.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-59349650440267705022014-08-13T10:40:00.002-04:002014-08-13T10:40:45.760-04:00Mixed upI'm having a hard time staying current with my blog. I just really don't feel like writing about my feelings or my life. I have been in a mixed state for awhile now. It gets where I'm tired of this mood. The mood won't budge. Time will make it cycle and that is about all I can wish for.<br />
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I have been so exhausted . Abnormally exhausted and tired. I went to the nurse practitioner yesterday and I just feel like I'm falling apart physically. I either have a level off with my lights or thyroid etc. She said I was under a lot of stress and that might be it also.I didn't know how to answer it might all be in my head. I actually said it might be but it doesn't change how I feel physically. The nurse practitioner said she will offer me counselling the next time I see her if it is in my head. I said I would take counselling regardless of whether it is in my head or not.<br />
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I'm so tired of doing this alone. Meaning I'm tired of my mood , my life, just about everything in my life is sad and lonely. I'm sad all the time. I don't actually know if this is a feeling but I feel resigned. I guess it is healthy but it doesn't feel so good.<br />
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I feel alone because no one really wants to talk about death and dying, physical limitations, disability and that is my reality at the moment. No one wants to listen to how I cope or don't cope on a daily bases. Everyone has a life of there own . <br />
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My mom is also very sick at the moment also. I told her I was sick to have to hear for an hour how sick she is. I tell J I'm not well and she just freaks out about who is going to do everything for her. I tell my daughter K I'm not doing well and she won't even answer my text because her head is so far up her boyfriends ass.<br />
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Mentally or physically sick , life goes on and so does other peoples lives. Things still have to be done. Dishes has to get done also. The other day it was such a chore to do dishes. I literally had to hang on to a chair and sit a couple of times doing dishes. But the nurse practitioner thinks it is possibly in my head. The same nurse practitioner that said it was all in J's head also . I guess congestive heart failure with an enlarged heart was just bipolar depression.<br />
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I do know I'm going to have to do things differently also as my body isn't up for all I have to do and also don't get done.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-82902247036565221252014-07-04T07:26:00.000-04:002014-07-04T07:26:16.635-04:00StormIt has been awhile since I have wrote. So much and so little has happened. Most of all my mind is a wreck. The ugly head of mania is starting to creep up on me. I can feel the creepy hand of it near . It lurks in the back ground. I'm groggy writing this as I had my medication upped yesterday and spent most of the day in some state. J handed me some pills and I took them. Makes me feel short leashed inside my body if that makes any sense. Everything is slower and more exhausting. My body is weak and the pills make me not as coherent.<br />
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The stress is catching up to me. I have not had a good outlet for it. I haven't much wanted to talk period. To talk about my problems would be admitting I have some serious problems. I have had limited offers also. But I have had one good offer from Mr. Bear and I'm slowly getting there to take his offer up. I have tried without much success to act like nothing is wrong and to go on living like everyday life. The problem is I'm paralyzed by everyday life and don't want to get out of the house or do anything in the house except doing something that involves escapism.<br />
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Escapism is many things to me. Like watching loads of tv. Yesterday, I crawled into bed turned on the Cartoon Network and was so fucked up from my pills, I didn't move much. To be honest I needed it as I was completely loosing my mind with olfactory hallucinations and fear. Tons of fear. It was just fear of the unknown.<br />
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Other days , I just get lost in reading ,tv, other projects. When I know damn well I need to organize and declutter this horrible house. I'm trying to make it handicap friendly and user friendly. All the mess is J's over 50 years of shit .One way or the other It has became my responsibility to deal with everything around here<br />
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It makes me angry that everything is heaped on me. I resent it period. At the same time it makes me feel guilty for being angry that |I have to do everything. It makes me angry when I suggest outside help it gets ignored as J says we are fine. J says we are fine to everyone. I'm losing my marbles. I don't like waiting on J 24/7. It might not be so bad if J made any of any sort of decision on her own behalf. J just bitches about everything. <br />
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I have to figure something out for me to survive this shitstorm. It isn't like anyone likes to hear negative news in my family either. I don't have a support system at all. I'm very lucky though my daughter is flying up here to help me for almost 2 weeks. I need some order and structure and believe it or not a 19 year old is helping me sort this shit pit of a house out. Should be interesting .<br />
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If I don't listen to the signs of Mania I will be full-blown. I have not listened to my triggers of stress at all. I'm listening now and trying to sort out the mess of life. I'm even at the moment when it is not very convenient to up my medication and get some sleep and basic nutrition . When I'm manic I don't eat much. I don't put any of my needs to be of much importance either.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-587304217432804772014-05-31T10:02:00.000-04:002014-05-31T10:02:55.396-04:00FragmentI thought I would blog today. It is a really nice day outside. My head is so murky though. It isn't like the bright sunny day with a crisp breeze. It is more of a muddled hole . It is more foggy with ominous black clouds.I have had so much anxiety lately. It is paralyzing anxiety where it renders me immobile and lifeless for the day or days.<br />
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We haven't had any appoinments this week . It has left me lacking motivation. I have no motivation to do every day living things most people do. I dread everything I do. I know logically, deep down this is a mixed mood. I need to get a handle on it quickly.<br />
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I have been sleeping more. That is a plus. I have had to drug myself pretty well for this part. It also is helping my brain process things better and not be so freaking paranoid and jumbled. I have been feeling very fragmented lately.<br />
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When, I feel fragmented, it is very hard for me to do many task. I have been trying real hard to rely on my list that I try to take and adhere to. List are very important to me. I break down my task that I have to do.<br />
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Lately, I have been planning on a trip we are going to take Tuesday for 5 days. It is our 10th wedding Anniversary. We will be renting a lighthouse . It sounds romantic and cool. Well, it is neat but I'm procrastinating till the last minute to get ready.<br />
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I'm not even sure why we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary . Our marriage has been just full of crap to be honest. I love J but our marriage has been less than perfect and on many occasions disastrous. I even wanted a divorce last year. Btw, things haven't got any better but I have learned to accept some crap that I haven't wanted to. We are now stuck together with J's declining health.<br />
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I have accepted a marriage with no intimacy of any sort.(been going on for several years) We are still friends . We would be better off as just friends. We still laugh occasionally. We fight still but it generally ends up with someone isolating. We dream of a better future . The reality is not so kind though. The plans we make now a days are more like remodeling the house to be more handicap accessible.<br />
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Maybe, for those five days , I won't think about the past. I will embrace the beauty that surrounds me. I will detach like I have been doing and do my own thing. The shitty thing was I was forgiving the past and something real stupid came up and all of a sudden I'm resentful as hell. I put it past me to bring it back to the raw again.<br />
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I have to get back to my center again because I hate being pissed about the past. I have to reclaim my central mood again where I deal with what ever life gives me and of course smile sometimes.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-24935362258488986922014-05-25T09:43:00.000-04:002014-05-25T09:43:55.761-04:00CasinoI'm here sitting waking up. The coffee helps somewhat to form my thoughts. I'm jumbled with all kinds of information and I'm having a hard time making it into coherent thought. Basically, my brain is tired. My mind has been very busy lately. I'm a goal oriented person believe it or not. Give me a project and boom , I get it done. Somethings in life are just not projects and it throws me a little, till I rework it , in my mind to be like a break down of a list. A simple to do list .<br />
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At this moment , I play a lot by ear. Plans can be interrupted at anytime. Plans can be hard. It is just not as easy as getting packed to go somewhere and going. J is disabled now and it takes a lot of work. When I plan something it has to be totally handicap accessible.<br />
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My point, we went to see Chelsea Handler show at a casino. It took planning. I had to spend extra money to put insurance on the tickets. I ordered them back in February. I had to book a refundable hotel room . I had to make sure it had a room also that we could access. I had no idea when I booked everything if J would be died or alive. Or mostly, if J would be well enough.<br />
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We had a awesome time seeing Chelsea Handler. It was a riot. We laughed so much. We for a moment where best friends again. No arguing or bickering. I even forgot the tickets in the room . Nothing would cause irritation and it was as next to perfect. We took a real limo over to the show from the hotel. They provided an out dated limo . It is hilarious. We felt like we where old pimps getting out of the huge white retro limo. Except, I had to go back in the huge retro limo to get the tickets. I left J in her wheel chair outside the casino.<br />
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We made it to the show. The worry where to put the wheel chair ended when a nice attended came over and said we could check it with her . It was awesome. I ask myself what sort of person steals wheel chairs and other mobility devices. Real low lifes. I guess mobility devices are huge money. We paid 300 just for a transport chair. That is cheap compared with what other mobility devices cost . It is a racket, medical equipment.<br />
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The show lasted about 2 hours. She had an opener first. He was so funny also. After, the show it was so crowded. It is sort of hard to push a chair in a crowd. You really have to concentrate not to hit people and their heals. People aren't even aware that your there. They dart in and out and sometimes you have to come to an abrupt stop giving J whip lash because some oblivious asshat jumps out in front of the chair. I'm getting better at navigating. Thank god , I was in a good mood or the asshat might of got rammed and ran over.<br />
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Even the ride back was better because I really tipped the driver to be more accommodating. The first time going over there he was having a hard time with the chair and had the trunk swinging open to fit the chair and begrudgingly put the chair in the trunk. Suggested we get one from the casino. I had to explain to him she actually needed it to even get back to the room etc. It is deceiving because she can walk some and get into a car herself. That is about it though. He was kind after that. I tipped him real well dropping J off and taking me back and forth. So when he saw us again he was about tripping over himself to do a real good job. Even set up her chair to present her when she got out of the limo. It is funny what money will do to motivate people.<br />
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I have a very hard time with crowds and casinos. Casinos trigger a mini mania for me. Everything shines, twinkles and is so loud. The decor even over stimulates me. Just about everything overstimulates me in a casino. I had to smoke up before I went over there. Just to handle all the things that are bad for me and gives me that horrible anxiety ridden feeling. In the past , to deal with the casino, I would hit the bar at the casino. Next thing you know I have that zombie slot face. Then J would yell at me to stop gambling and drinking. She would also yell at me because I would have to see every section of machines, trying to figure out the best return for my buck. They don't have the best return for your buck in a casino.<br />
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I managed to stay out of the bar and no where near a slot machine. I didn't even eat at the casino. Opting for a bag of Arbys in the hotel room. We just laughed and talked till we went to bed. For that evening, I was in love again. It really felt like a date. I had all the feelings I had when we first got together. It truly was a good day.<br />
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Reality, set in the next day. J was so exhausted and has been in bed off and on since we have came back. It takes a lot out of J to do anything.<br />
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We have another trip planned for our 10th Anniversary for the first week of June. That will be more sedate at a lighthouse over looking Lake Huron. Lots of taking in the water, bush and boats. It should be restful.<br />
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I hope this post was somewhat coherent. I'm a better blogger in the afternoon. haha<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-70301965740162814662014-05-14T07:23:00.001-04:002014-05-14T07:23:18.385-04:00The HelpI love the morning. It is so quiet in the house except for the occasional meow or dog wanting to go outside. It is my time of day. I have no demands at all this time of day. I have actually missed my early morning routines. I started to watch murder mysteries with J instead of going to bed early.<br />
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When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.<br />
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Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.<br />
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J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.<br />
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I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-55358010096317644252014-05-09T14:49:00.003-04:002014-05-09T14:49:32.525-04:00I'm BackI don't know where to start. If anyone has noticed, I have been gone for over 5 months. Short and sweet my life fell apart. We had a very brutal winter. I just came down from one hell of a mania this winter and crashed. To top it off my spouse has been very very ill and is dying. I have been learning to cope with it. It hasn't been a easy ride. Plus , I cope with chronic pain myself and taking care of J is so exhausting to my body.<br />
My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.<br />
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The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.<br />
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I have tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through another day .<br />
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One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety. I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.<br />
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More later.....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-22415059612161781802013-11-07T15:53:00.000-05:002013-11-07T17:34:49.819-05:00Free Book<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Cathy Olliffe-Webster, wrote another book called Friday Girls. The book will be available </span><br />
<br style="background-color: #882222; color: seashell; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 20px;" />
<span style="background-color: #882222; color: seashell; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 20px;">Starting tomorrow, for five days, </span><i style="background-color: #882222; color: seashell; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 20px;"><b>Friday Girls</b></i><span style="background-color: #882222; color: seashell; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px; line-height: 20px;"> will be free to download on </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Friday-Girls-Cathy-Olliffe-Webster-ebook/dp/B00GI293M0/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1383839900&sr=1-1&keywords=Friday+Girls">http://www.amazon.com/Friday-Girls-Cathy-Olliffe-Webster-ebook/dp/B00GI293M0/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1383839900&sr=1-1&keywords=Friday+Girls</a>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoTjDqSXSTBFGU3OrwuwI02aHnLEn85YRxF2xwneUMO4xrl5NolnmY7asOAEaloT7AVP9gqCNjeQXf5SGdv1Ja_L2J4H7ipRR8YvTj5oWVBKkw3rOk-p97R01mF-qPzMld7YxbqfJVtA/s1600/FridayGirls_CVR_LRG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoTjDqSXSTBFGU3OrwuwI02aHnLEn85YRxF2xwneUMO4xrl5NolnmY7asOAEaloT7AVP9gqCNjeQXf5SGdv1Ja_L2J4H7ipRR8YvTj5oWVBKkw3rOk-p97R01mF-qPzMld7YxbqfJVtA/s320/FridayGirls_CVR_LRG.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The description for this book from amazon is: </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If Friday wasn't already your favourite day of the week, it will be after you've read Friday Girls.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Every Thursday night for more than a year, author Cathy Olliffe-Webster sat down in front of her computer and wrote a story for #FridayFlash, an Internet meme that involves some of the finest writers in the world. Stories are written and posted on blogs, where other writers (and fans of their work) can read, enjoy, and comment. It's a friendly, positive atmosphere and it encourages writers to stretch their literary muscles. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Cathy's stories took on a life of their own and she began to think of them as her "Friday Girls," mainly because they were published on Fridays, but also because they were usually about "girls." </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">These are stories that will touch your heart, make you smile, make you cry, make you think. They're just like you, the Friday Girls. They're just like all of us. </span><br />
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-55885591923854790782013-10-27T07:45:00.000-04:002013-10-27T07:45:09.196-04:00RantI have been doing my usual morning routine. Sad lamp etc. I'm finally waking up and just dread the day. I try to go to sleep at night at the earliest time possible to just get the day in.I thought I was depressed but it seems I'm mixed. Meaning :depressed and manic. It is a horrible feeling.<br />
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Lately, I have been cleaning and have been on the line of a little obsessive. I was cleaning the windows in side the house and notice the dog really smudged up the outside. I went to clean it. Only problem it was raining so hard . The wind was blowing sideways. I was determined to clean that window. Put on a rain jacket and my shoes and out I went with my cleaning supplies to clean the outside of the windows. I also managed to really clean the kitchen from top to bottom. Very boring. I hate cleaning but it needs to be done,<br />
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I was in a funky mood yesterday. I try not to get into it with J but find it impossible not to argue with J lately. It always turns out bad for me because at a drop of a pen J cays and the argument is over. J is just plain lazy and doesn't lift a finger. All J does is watch tv, read and do facebook. I get sick of doing everything. I asked J to go and get something in town because I was busy. The answer was no you have to come with me. That is because J can't get off her lazy ass and walk into the store and get it. I really do everything around the house. Three meals a day, everything. I ask for one simple thing because J is never busy except with facebook or watching the same news feed over and over again. I get anger and you know what the response is. It is going to be a bad day because your being unreasonable with your mood.. My response is it isn't my mood but how you behave thinking Im your servant. J has been milking this sick thing to the max. J has had every test under the moon then some and guess what it is nothing. My theory is J is over medicated. Sick or not I still make dinner and am responsible to get things done. It makes me mad that one person can stick all the work on another person.<br />
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I need to figure out how to do something about this situation as I hate all the work heaped on me. In the past I have went on strike but that only hurts me . I still had to clean it up. It doesn't bother J at all to live in squalor either so really if I want a clean home it is all on me. I'm seriously thinking about hiring a cleaning lady twice a month.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-65362798344368168542013-10-26T08:00:00.001-04:002013-10-26T08:00:13.009-04:00What goes up must come downI`m sitting here drinking my coffee and wondering what to write. It has been awhile since, I have really wrote. I have been manic since probably April or May of this year. I crashed last week sometime. I sleep 12-14 hours a day now. It feels so good to be able to sleep again. It is a relief not to be so hyper anymore.<br />
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It is also a relief not to contain my bipolar and hide my moods. It is pretty easy at the moment to be depressed and very mellow. With the depression now , I have started my SAD lamp and started to take vitamin D.<br />
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It feels great not to feel compelled to spend money I don`t have. Our mail box was brimming with packages of clothes, movies, games and weird stuff like latch hook rugs and paint by numbers. If you know me I`m not the crafting type. I thought if I could do something with my hands it would calm me down some. The boxes are unopened waiting in my weird logic as something to do this winter.When I`m bored now or try to stop smoking again. I even tried to stop smoking this summer . It was a disaster. I even thought I would watch one scary movie a day for October. I bought like 15 movies and subscribed to Netflix. I even upped my internet package for the bandwidth. I haven`t watched any Halloween movies really of yet. I`m to tired in the evenings and J just hates my movies. I did though manage to watch a season a season of Orange is the new Black. I really liked that. That is when our Wii bit the dust. Ordered a new one even though I could just hook the tv up to the computer. Ended up with a new wii that I keep saying I`m going to play the games I have. I have tons of games that I never play but keep saying I`m. Just insert excuse. I ended up hooking the computer up to the tv to watch Youtube. My hdmi cable broke some how and I have to get another one.It broke because it was cheap from some knock off place that sent it to me from Hongkong. I will buy one from a real store this time.<br />
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I have been so broke from spending money like it is water and it seems everything needs fixed all at one time. Had to fix the trucks steering and septic tank this month. I`m just happy the psychosis and pressured speech, ideas, etc are at bay. Funny thing , I don`t speak very much anymore. J thinks I'm mad. I had to explain I just have nothing to say. Then J gets it Im not manic talking all the time about the most mundane things<br />
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I`m mildly depressed but have missed so much sleep. I think I`m just catching up. I have done more catching up with the house and my affairs than I have all summer. It feels good to be in a hibernation sort of mood. I even baked bread not that long ago I feel content to hardly do anything.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-32957168951395345172013-10-17T08:25:00.002-04:002013-10-17T08:32:46.726-04:00Green Eggs and WeezieI rarely mention books on my blog. I would like to tell you about a book I read not that long ago. It is called Green Eggs and Weezie by Cathy Olliffe Webster. It is about a woman that finds out that her husband is cheating on her. She has a bad reaction and ends up in jail for domestic violence. Then it goes through the journey of her piecing back the broken pieces of her life. The book is witty and humorous while tackling very hard topics of relationships, divorce , and assault . I forgot the add how she navigates through the ridiculous criminal justice system.<br />
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Cathy also has a blog that I read that is very funny and she is a very gifted writer. Her blog is called Cold Lake Cathy you can find it here : <a href="http://muskokariver.blogspot.ca/">http://muskokariver.blogspot.ca/</a><br />
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Go over and check out her blog then go and buy her book. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Green-Eggs-Weezie-ebook/dp/B00FL7Y27O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380901601&sr=8-1&keywords=green+eggs+%26+weezie">http://www.amazon.com/Green-Eggs-Weezie-ebook/dp/B00FL7Y27O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380901601&sr=8-1&keywords=green+eggs+%26+weezie</a><br />
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Help out a fellow blogger by spending 4 dollars. It took me an afternoon because it is well written and a page turner.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-20403029267207732612013-09-10T15:16:00.003-04:002013-09-10T15:16:38.037-04:00UpdateI'm in a cranky irritable mood. I took down my last post. But for those who read you know a little what has been going on. Yes, I'm still Manic and pretty full blown. Everytime, I say I'm not going to neglect my blog and I do. I have several reason but they are excuses really.<br />
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J , has been very sick lately and had to go to the ER about 2 weeks ago maybe 3. It has been a rollercoaster ride with J's health. The thing is she is still very sick and weak. Really don't know what is going on. They possible think she had a mild stroke. Her Blood pressure is all over the place and dangerously high at times. Appointment after appointment.<br />
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We had to cancel our yearly vacation also. It was going to be for two weeks at a cabin on an island. I'm very disappointed . I planned this since early spring. The thing is she just doesn't feel well. That is fine but she could of went and let me have a good time. Did I mention that the earth revolves around J. All, I have been doing is waiting on J hand and foot for sometime now and it has got worse.<br />
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Right before J got sick I told J I really was seriously thinking about a split or divorce. That I was tired of a sexless marriage and a no touch period relationship. I thought we have became room-mates with me not even having much rights. I still consider J my best friend but after 10 years I'm tired of giving every ounce of me and not getting much in return. I also don't want to be someones caretaker and maid.<br />
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J said she would do better but I don't see it. It is pretty lousy to leave a sick person so I'm holding off. I might not leave but we sure do have a lot to sort out if I'm staying.<br />
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My irritability is been off the charts and so has been my anxiety at times. It doesn't help that I'm probaly going through a mid life crisis either where I just want to get back to who I once was and I'm really examining my life . What I want and what I certainly can't tolerate.<br />
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I have totally lost myself in the past 5 years. I have became reclusive . I have hardly any friends in the town I live in. Believe it or not at one time in my life I was social. My mother the other day said it was like I totally dropped out of society in the past 5 years by moving to Canada. That I let myself become a broken person. I was a little irritated by what she said but it is the truth. My only avenue of anything social has became the computer. (facebook,twitter,blogging and texting) I haven't let anyone in , in a very long time. I have started lately to let people get to know me a little. I have also been more open with my family about what is going on. It is a step.<br />
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On a brighter note some of my manic symptoms are going away slowly.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-10254003400360420932013-05-29T08:32:00.000-04:002013-05-29T08:32:02.284-04:00Coming Out Of My CaveI haven't wrote in two months. So much has happened and not . Some of the past month has been so stagnant. I have been in a dark anxiety ridden mixed mood. It is passing and I'm more or less a little depressed. I'm slowly digging out of my hole.<br />
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I have neglected so much in the past two months. I have neglected to really live life and have been just struggling. Every once in awhile I will get a little energy and do daily living and actually feel decent then the overwhelming facts of what a disaster my life hits and I get depressed and feel defeated.<br />
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I don't always like going on about the negative and feel whiny even if that is how I feel. I have been very negative and don't want to be a downer. .Then I remember this is my journal and I can vent as much as I want. I really seem to need to get many things out . My walls have been built up high in the past two months and really haven't shared anything with anyone. I stuff my feelings like big heavy bricks inside me.<br />
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My last post was about my plumbing. The update on that is that it is the Septic tank line that needed to be repaired. Still waiting on that repair. The company is busy but so far they did a quick fix to keep it going until they can dig up the yard. Bills have been tight and seems very overwhelming.<br />
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Happier news we go see Whoopi Friday. I booked that trip in the winter. We will be gone one night to see the show and go to the Casino. Not much of a gambler. I usually play about 40 dollars. Casinos trigger something in me. I get real overwhelmed by all the colors and sounds etc. It makes me hyper and I never stay very long. I do like all the different nice restaurant they have at this casino and like seeing a show. Pathetic thing is the show starts at 9pm and I'm generally in bed at that time.We are going to board the dogs . This is the first time they are getting boarded. We used to board our other dogs but we are trying a new approach of a cage free home environment which is more like a camp with activities. One of our dogs used to go for a hour a day at this camp for some socialization as she is down right mental.<br />
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Talking about mental dog. Daisy is who I'm talking about. She has really bad social anxiety. We are going to put her on medication for two months and retrain her. The sedative effect should work on her nerves and then just over exposure is suppose to work. Maybe, I can talk to the vet and she can put me on the same sedative and retrain me(lol) I have committed to helping the dog with her issues. I worked some with her this past 4 days when we went to visit in-laws. A little better but her anxiety makes her a hysterical barking mess when she sees people. She is getting just a little better at ignoring stimuli with me on her ass every two seconds flipping her leash and harness with a firm No. Never had a dog with anxiety issues and this is new for me. But I have had a bad dog before that taught me a lot of what to do and what not to do. This dog isn't really a bad dog but has a mental illness. She gets so caught up with her anxiety she can't think straight and it just balloons into a mass panic attack. Just like people.<br />
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The puppy is now 6 months old. She is still a runt. She is such a normal dog and a delight. The dogs are like night and day. Alice reminds me of what a Golden should be in temperament and attitude. Alice is the smaller one chasing Daisy. They are light in color because they are English Golden Retrievers. I love talking about my dogs as they really make me very happy. They are one of the most positive things in my life and get me out of bed every morning. I will wrap up and make an effort for myself to write more and not retreat in my cave.<br />
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-29027215133889682892013-03-29T23:01:00.000-04:002013-03-29T23:01:25.024-04:00I just need to vent! or bitch!I'm so something right now. I guess the word is fed up. We have been having a slow running drain. So, I decided in my wisdom to do deal with it on a Good Friday when everything is closed until probably Tuesday. Four boxes of baking soda, several hours of this and Drano and the drains are real messed the f%k up. Flush the toilet now and it backs in the shower. Drain the tub the toilet bubbles. Run the kitchen sink and it is the only thing that drains slowly. I'm literally up shit creek.<br />
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While, I'm sweating my butt off with boiling kettles of water and various chemicals J is just happily clicking away of facebook. I say could you getting the fecking dogs out of my way. They are going to get burned by boiling water. Could you possible maybe give me a hand. Oh hell no. The problem is every problem in this house is my problem. Because insert excuse J has . I'm tired and pmsing like nobodies business. Which just makes me more vocal. J has also been manic as hell. Mouthy out in public . I deal with it by saying please stay in the car. Or go find somewhere to seat out of the publics way. It is embarrassing when a person has no filters out in public and says rude things about children and etc. Even if it is valid which it is most people only have bubble thoughts it doesn't actually come out of their mouths. Top that off with J cutting back smoking which probably triggered this wonderful mood. J has took up a government programme to stop smoking . It last 6 months. It is moving slowly. If I say anything negative about this , I'm not being supportive. So, I keep it to myself. The problem is I have to keep everything to myself. It just stresses J out to hear money problems , any problem really. The puppy is also my problem also. The puppy really bonded to me so the excuse is I don't have to do anything because that dog choose you. It is both our dog and both our responsibility.<br />
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As, you can see it is just one fight after another lately. I need a vacation away from everybody . I need a break from J also. Will I get one. No. I'm trying to work on an idea to send J to visit J's parents. Leave me for a couple of days to deal with that mess also. It wouldn't be until next month though. It also doesn't help that we are going to probably have to pay for a plumbing problem again. I have so had it with our plumbing and water problems. I think I should own stock in the plumbers company. Over the past 5 years we have replaced a whole water system, all pipes in the bathroom , kitchen also winter related freezing problems in the pump house with busted pipes. Had the whole backyard dug up last year for a busted pipe. That was fun having a backhoe in the backyard and had the whole line dug up. I can hear myself growling in my head. It is like a plumbing gremlin. To be fair everything was real old and just happened to go at a fairly steady rate. No upgrades have been made in 20-25 years. It doesn't feel any better though having to fork the money out at a fairly steady rate though. It just seems in the past 6-7 years everything has went at once. Get out of one jam get into another. It is just life though. I tell myself that to make it feel better. But really it is just life. Sometimes, life really sucks and isn't fair. The thing is I deal with it and move on. I just was hoping to have an incident free spring.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-23576690389038735922013-03-27T15:16:00.000-04:002013-03-27T15:16:40.609-04:00PyschoThe other night I was contacted from a close friend that vanished for a year. I had no reason why she vanished. She changed her phone number multiple times. Vanished completely from the Internet . I managed to fin her husbands facebook but would get one or two cryptic messages. I just totally wrote her off and wondered what I could of said or done wrong to end this relationship.<br />
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I didn't count on she went off her meds started drining and became psychotic. When I talked to her the other night she was out of it. Talking she was in the CIA and FBI and other things. It made no sense. I talked to her for several hours and she was just so incoherent . It was so circular going round and round. I went with the illogical for 2 hours an finally had enough. I had to go to bed it was 1:00 am way past my bedtime. I was not getting anywhere and finally called her out on not taking care of herself and drinking. I haven't heard from her sense .<br />
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I'm not said about it either. I don't care if you take no meds or if you do. You have to take care of yourself and not get to that babbling point. I have been to the babbling point but not with anyone except J and personally the only person I will take to the babbling point also is J. I'm so sorry this person trust no one at all. That is a very sad point. I have always trusted J at my worst and J the same. You have to trust one person when your mental ill and someone that can be subjective. Someone that isn't the enemy. This person is so remote to me and now I'm her enemy even threatening me because I said in a nice way that she had a chemical imbalance and didn't say insane which I thought. I will probably be stalked. Oh wonderful. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-37932668928132935732013-03-24T12:05:00.002-04:002013-03-24T12:05:54.484-04:00Alice<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikfeiOAySSrMHgcJwXSCM_LpkKwM2UkS7OQdJPGdCHL3ARhcUWVVP534PFgl2gk7g-MnID9kWJ_-_UPJ9nt8pYGPb9dk1lgHlLdSqsK4Z-CZ8PFjRaCciLiygGI5nnRmAq_ZGAw22c6Jc/s1600/029.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikfeiOAySSrMHgcJwXSCM_LpkKwM2UkS7OQdJPGdCHL3ARhcUWVVP534PFgl2gk7g-MnID9kWJ_-_UPJ9nt8pYGPb9dk1lgHlLdSqsK4Z-CZ8PFjRaCciLiygGI5nnRmAq_ZGAw22c6Jc/s320/029.JPG" width="320" /></a>It is a lazy Sunday morning. The dogs are chewing bones. The cats are sleeping. J is watching a movie. I'm attempting to catch up with blogging after being gone for a month. I have been very busy with the new puppy this last month and just generally depressed but functioning.<br />
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I have been sleep deprived trying to house train Alice. She is about house trained. She has learned so much this month. She knows how to sit, stay, come, her name, not to bite and most importantly the word NO. She also has been learning the only thing that should be in her mouth is her toys. She also knows the word give. If I have to take something away from her, I say give and she spits it out. She is a very easy going , intelligent, playful and such picks up on so much.<br />
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I forgot how tiring a puppy is and how they are so much work. I was fighting depression before the puppy and had to give up my light to have my full eye on her in the morning and out the door with the slightest sign of having to go to the bathroom. She wakes up to go every morning at 4 like clock work. It has got some what better with the bathroom the older and bigger bladder she gets. I'm not putting on clothes as we are going out the door anymore in the freezing winter.<br />
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I'm back to my lamp. Someone in the question asked if I like my lamp. I actually hate it because I'm bored with light shining in my eyes making me blind for a half an hour. If I can manage to walk around half blinded or listen to the tv or radio it isn't so bad. I just try to tell myself it is better than being depressed. I find the only thing good for my depression is when my cycle ends naturally which should happen when it gets sunny and actually spring.<br />
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The weather is very depressing. It snows and doesn't warm at all. It has been forcasted to be a little warmer this week and something as sunshine. It has been a very grey winter this year. Grey like my mood for months and I'm looking forward to sunshine and bright days. I have been planning for happier days also. I already scheduled and booked our vacation for 2 weeks this Autumn . Planned a family reunion in the summer. Casino and Comedy show at the end of May. It is nice to get away for a night. I don't really care for casinos though as they are to busy and triggering for me. I do like them for short amounts of time though. I usually just spend about 2 hours in one and that is my limit. I generally try to just eat , play then go to the show and that is it. I recognize I can be to impulsive with gambling. I will only allow myself to blow 40 bucks and what ever I earn.<br />
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I'm starting to ramble. I think I will end now.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-59503946011158432162013-02-21T08:09:00.000-05:002013-02-21T08:09:38.401-05:00Animals ...........I thought I would blog this morning . It has been awhile. Seems like the only time I blog anymore is when I'm in a mood. I should blog more often when things are normal. I have been trying my hardest to get out of a depression. I have a ton to do and no energy to do it.<br />
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We are getting a puppy of all things Saturday. I'm not ready for it and in all honesty probably would never be prepared for one. I have a ton to do before we get Alice. We have had our older dog which is 2 now going to dog daycare for some training , reinforcement, and some of her anxiety problems. She is a shy dog. That has been going well. She goes for a hour every day. We need her ready for this new arrival and not to teach Alice bad behaviour. We are now not letting the dog barge the door and making her wait and stay to be let out. We have let this dog get away with a lot because we have been depressed. Daisy is a good dog but we have been to loose with her manners. Even though she knows how to behave. We are going over her manners .She likes going to obedience and paying with others. On the other hand I feel like it interferes with my flow of day. I have been making J pick her up because the woman that helps us talks to much and instead of a hour a day it is much like 2 hours a day then add 20 minutes for drop off and pick up. I have a house to get ready for a puppy.<br />
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I have been trying my SAD lamp again and it is gradually working. I have to watch out though so I don't get manic. Like any anti-depressant it makes me go up and up and away if it is to much. I have been exercising. It seems to be that winter in a cold environment speeds up your metabolism. I also been snowshoeing that burns 40 percent more calories than anything like walking, jogging or running. The down side is my back hurts so bad. My back has been horrible since I have started again with exercise. I take an over the counter muscle relaxer to get through the pain. I have been sleeping a lot lately also with more exercise. It just makes me so tired. It will even out. I will continue to push through. I need to be able to get my head in the frame of being outside all the time with this puppy. I have started to get in a structured routine before the dog comes so I wont be so out of it. I have been forcing myself to get up and stay up in the morning also. Daisy will sleep anytime but a puppy needs to be on a structured routine.<br />
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This new puppy is forcing me out of my rut whether I want to get out of it or not. Cats are so much easier! Except for my little guy Riley. He is now on five drops of eye drops a day to get rid of the blob in his eye that the virus he had did. He is a delight though and has adjusted very nicely. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-43550908733976392692013-02-05T15:13:00.000-05:002013-02-05T15:13:06.052-05:00Pissed OffI had a panic attack this morning. I looked at the bank account this morning and the bank didn't put funds into after cashing out an investment that was suppose to mature today. They eventually did and it was chalked down to a misunderstanding.<br />
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But before it could be figured out I was sweating , shaking and a million things where going through my mind. Even after it was settled I was trying hard to calm myself. I just tried to stay busy and distract myself and after about 2 hours I was fine. It doesn't help that I'm pmsing.<br />
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To top it off J told me she is sick AGAIN. I seriously wonder how many times a person can be stricken with flu like symptoms. I had to change my dental cleaning today at the last minute because I don't drive. J told me to take a taxi but a taxi from where I live would be a little over 55 dollars round trip. It was cheaper to pay the cancellation fee. I'm pissed. I could of been told yesterday. The woman at the dentist office isn't that nice and isn't someone you would want to call. I actually never want to piss her off as she can get her teeth and claws out. I just hope the rest of my appointments this week I won't have to cancel.<br />
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I still have to get the cat's eye checked again and him neutered . I also have a massage that my poor lower back and hip need. I'm getting sick of J being sick all the time. J also goes to the doctor all the time anymore . Nothing ever really gets solved either. I say if you are sick as often as J suck it up. If you can't tell I'm pissed off.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-37833327214389913622013-02-04T06:44:00.001-05:002013-02-04T06:44:59.043-05:00This and ThatWow, how time flies . I really just noticed i haven't blogged in little over a month. The last month and a half has been full of me being sick with the flu and not exciting except maybe me ordering stuff on-line a little to much.<br />
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I was sick for about three weeks with the flu. J also had the flu but was way sicker than me. The cats where sick also . Found out the little one was sick with a upper respiratory infection and gave the older cat that also. He was sick when we got him. His eye is still in a bad state and in the process of still healing . He though has stopped hacking his little butt off and the older one is better. Nothing like dramatic sick cats.They wouldn't eat and we where told to give them anything they could or wanted to eat. I ended up switching the older cat back to dry so she would eat . She lost a couple of pounds and looked like hell. She got what she wanted. The kitten he wanted wet so he got as much wet as he wanted and packed on the pounds. Now they are both happy on dry and not being prima donnas any more . The vet has been real good about the cost because we got the sick kitten from her. She has only charged us 30 bucks for the two of them and that has only been for meds. She has waived her fee which is generally 70 dollars to see her. Even gave a free shot to the older cat. I think I might have to take the kitten back for her to look at his eye again as it isn't clearing up. His ulcer on his eye is still there. I was suppose to take him in also to get fixed.<br />
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I have been so lazy in the past month. Mainly trying to get well again. I have been using the excuse it has been way to cold to go out also and do anything active like my usual winter sports of snow shoeing and cross country skiing . It has been like -21 c or -5 f . Then we have been having what we call January thaws. Where it melts and causes hell on the snow. The temps get into 7 c to 44 f . That did that for a week. Some of the temps got all over the place. I don't mind winter. But I do mind the weather being all screwy. One week it is snow and horrible sub temps and one week it is thawing and high temps over and over again. I just want the snow to stick and have regular seasonal temps so I can get out of my cave and do something. I have been threatening to get a life for a month. Don't know when it is going to happen.<br />
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I have been spending a little to much lately which is a sign of hypo-mania and mania. I'm being way more careful about it now. Part of me doesn't care. I hate being in a dark depression. Also, just about everything I order we need or I can justify . Especially since I have gained so much weight in December and January. I haven't much worked at me losing weight. I did though stop drinking soda. Getting out of my usual depression a little early helped curb the eating also. I don't feel the need to eat everything sweet and all the carbs in the house. I also replaced all snack food with fruit. I still am working towards wanting to work out again. I think with that I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just exercise. That is a just do it kind of thing and get back into some structure with it. It will also help my chronic pain which has worsened by sitting all the time since my flu. I have got in the bad habit of tv and computer all the time. Good thing I'm getting bored of it. <br />
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Lately, I have been bored with many things . It is a good thing though. It will help me get off my ass. Being sick for that time found me in bed watching tv and on the couch. It has also mad me catch up on housework. Talking of the house. Our pipes froze and busted. Our water heater also went out. We thought oh well and just got them fixed. No the universe is picking on me thing this time. Shit happens or I would like to say life happens. It is just expensive when life happens all the time. The good thing about it the water heater was going for awhile and we have such lovely pressure and hot water. It has been such a treat. I even like doing dishes better and I hate dishes.<br />
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I have a lot of things to do this week. Mainly, self care things like getting my teeth cleaned and massage for my chronic ache. Also, the cat with his eye and getting him fixed. I hope to also maybe be a better blogger also and get back to a routine of posting.<br />
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-27038988258940387712013-01-02T08:37:00.001-05:002013-01-02T08:42:09.011-05:00Holiday Let DownI'm so glad that the holidays are over. I have had my holiday let down or to much of it and had a little melt- down. Yesterday, without an actual hang-over , I went to bed in the afternoon and woke up in the wee hours of the morning. I think I slept like 10 hours. I also did the same thing the 27th of December where I didn't even try to get out of bed all day and watched TV and just drifted back and forth from sleep.<br />
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I read so many blogs. I don't know where I actually read this but I read it is even common for normal people to get to much holidays and have a let down. Just reading that made me feel a little better about not keeping my mood at a normal scale. I don't know what normal is anyway but try my best at doing the things normal people do during the holidays even if mine where excessive this year. I really tried my hardest to be "normal".<br />
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I have scrubbed the house of any decoration or reminder of x-mas except for some candy that I need to put up. I also downloaded a book during the x-mas season on losing weight. From Fat to Fit: How I lost 100 lbs. by Alyssa Reyans. I suggest you join her mailing list as I got this book for free. <a href="http://www.alyssareyans.com/">www.AlyssaReyans.com</a> It is only 3.00 though if you had to purchase it. She also suffers from bipolar and <span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">survived many forms of abuse. I suggest to check out her books and web-sight.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have no idea why my font has changed. I think I will start the book this week-end. I really need to get serious about losing about 20lbs. I just need to be healthier and I think this book might help. A lot of just getting off my ass would help also. I have never been this big and I don't like it. I also hate my clothes being tight. Winter is hard but it is harder for me not being active and puts me more into a rut. My excuse yesterday for not taking a walk was it was to cold. I just need to bundle up and not be so lazy. I also have that treadmill that I bought a year ago that isn't assembled yet. On my list to do this month. I did manage to hook up and assemble everything that was bought for x-mas this year. Even called out the cable guy to hook some HD box up and clear everything in the bedroom to put the old standard tv out in it. The bummer is nothing works now with the HD tv. I have had to order cords that will make it work. I had to look that crap up on You-tube. It about wracked the little brain I have left. I'm still waiting on the hook-ups that should be here today or tomorrow. Also, saved a lot of money on hdmi cables as they say their is no need to buy anything that cost over 15 bucks and the stores charge from anywhere from 35-over a hundred. I know a lot of people have already moved in the 21st century with HD tv but I haven't until now. It makes me feel old with new technology . I do manage though. Also got rid of our old tv and microwave. Not letting the old junk sit around till I feel like doing it. It has been a work out for my back though. It hurt pretty good around x-mas to present moving dressers and old big tv's and also hauling out the old. It is times like those I wish for a huge burly man to do my bidding. I often thing when I haul out the old to send J to the dump by herself as they always help her. If I'm with J they look at me like it is my problem dumping anything. I seen another lady just bat her eyelashes and get the whole back end of her truck unloaded while I lumped all the trash and appliances by myself. It leaves me a little bitter at times. But not bitter enough to grow my hair out , bat my eyelashes and wear skinny jeans.</span><br />
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Anyway, time to take a shower and get ready to take the kitten to the vet. Maybe, venture to the grocery store today as I'm craving tons of veggies.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-73511817465856551932013-01-01T09:13:00.000-05:002013-01-01T09:13:23.521-05:00New YearDecember was a month of gluttony. I gained 10 pounds and my stomach feels a mess with all the crap I have made and ate. You name it I have ate candies, chocolates ,cheeses, anything rich you can imagine. I have been cooking up a storm also. I cooked so much food over the month of December you could of feed a family of 6 and it is just 2 of us.<br />
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I spent so much money in December. All, justified of course. Well in my warped mind anyways. Enough to make me sick as money has been tight but hell just use credit and investment income. I was doing better juggling up till December and it all went to hell. Back again to a money diet. It really didn't help that things broke down left and right in the year of 2012.<br />
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Managed to keep myself plenty busy in December just to get through it. Even got a brilliant idea to get another cat right before Christmas. My reasoning is 2 cats make company as 2013 I want to do more camping and travelling. We usually take our cat every where with us and I'm tired of bringing the cat with us every where. Well, the older cat hates the kitten. Scratched it's eye pretty badly and we have to take it to the vet tomorrow. Oh, how I love vet bills. The cats have made the house a total circus with them eating each others food and flipping attitudes. The dog just stays out of it thank-god. I feel like a farmer tending to the live stock in the mornings . Each animal on a different diet. It has kept me on my toes though and it is getting better. I also started my search to get the dog out of her social anxiety which has worsened with the death of Brett. We are enrolling her into a dog daycare that knows of the dogs issues. I want to travel this year without a pack of animals this year and this is a first step. For 2 years we have been taking the animals every where since Brett couldn't have shots because of liver issues and it has totally sucked taking them everywhere with us. It has made me want to pull my hair out travelling with 2 barking dogs and a meowing cat. It will be nice being free of them. I will take the dog camping though. I always hated taking the cat though. Our cat has travelled more than most people. She has been travelling all over the states and Canada. All over Ontario also. She is an old hand in a hotel or motel. Well now she has a companion to keep her busy at home and I have to look into pet sitters to come in and feed the cat's.<br />
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Well, back on track from my ramblings. My only hope for this coming year is to have a little more hope and look at life different so I can be happy. I don't wish or want much. I do want to be healthier and will be because it is going to be a process than a crash diet. I want to do more and be more active. I look forward to having more travel experience's as in the past it has made me happier. I just got to get back to what makes me happy. Wishing you all a Happy New Year.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-44011470371995169922012-12-17T06:32:00.000-05:002012-12-17T06:32:00.064-05:00Project ChristmasI have made Christmas into a little project for my self. It seems I like projects and it distracts me from my mood. I got all my Christmas shopping done before December with a click of a mouse. So much cheaper to ship since everything I give is shipped to someone. Most places even have free shipping to Canada this time of year also. I use American web sights for the Americans on my list. I think it took me a hour to shop for 6 people. I also bought me some gifts as well. The one for you one for me thing.<br />
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I finally got my tree done and cards all sent out. Actually even put up more decorations. I haven't decorated in 3 years. Did most of my grocery shopping for Christmas yesterday. Since it is just me and J on Christmas. I asked J what reminded her of x-mas . I thought myself and bought stuff that I could fix that where in both our traditions . J is second generation Brit. I don't feel like a Christmas pudding but bought a easy mix for it. I also don't bake. Problem solved order cookies from the bakery. I'm not going to slave over shortbread type cookies. I did say although I would be willing to try to make rum balls. I like cooking but loath baking or candy making. My favorite thing about the holidays is snacking. I don't much care for turkey. So I bought J a thigh and a drumstick to get her turkey fix. That is what she likes. I like ham. Bought a easy to fix spiral ham for sandwiches and other meals. Easy to freeze also when sick of all the ham, i like making salads, and trays of cheeses , dips, snacks, seafood. Anything pickled also. It is my time of gluttony when it comes to food. I will pay the price and end up on a diet in Jan and a membership to the gym. To me though it is worth it. I only do this once a year.<br />
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Project Christmas also makes me really clean the house. I like that it does because my mood is shit in November and December. It also makes me pamper myself. Which I really don't do. I cashed in all my points from the drug mart and bought me perfume. I got a 85 dollar of perfume for free. I received 105 dollars credit. I put the rest towards another 65 dollar bottle of perfume. So I got myself cheap perfume which would of been a burden otherwise. I also treated my stress out and in pain self to a two hour massage. I generally only get a hour massage that really focuses on on my shoulders. .Two hours and I got places poked and rubbed that I never knew hurt. I have been in a better mood every since. I'm still a little sore though from the rub but it is a good sore as it really released a lot of tension and the break up of scar tissue.<br />
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It made me ignore the fact the microwave went out and the call to the plumber to get the air out of our water system after the water froze. It also made me ignore that the tv is on it's last leg. I heard myself say oh well it's life. Went out and bought a new microwave and tv. It kind of made me sad that I had to dig into some money that shouldn't be touched. But was happy I could replace it. I'm not going to let anything bum me until after the holidays and hopefully I will make myself tackle another project as it seems to keep me from my negative neurotic self.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2551786505456608334.post-14368957826322812672012-12-13T08:31:00.001-05:002012-12-13T08:31:34.719-05:00Pink<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPsEyThKaJGY_sewCPuD3olqpAnuQ_XfgwHqfvhRlQPN3AEoqRxhNmPOlmyH5a_kYv9xFBSsaS5QHFnJZRmQbQ_F5wGuseL9-i5_PckAM0bm-oCo6d62KXIbY68zHwAIeFKkB_jzFJQ4/s1600/384392_10150481188167569_1180175898_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPsEyThKaJGY_sewCPuD3olqpAnuQ_XfgwHqfvhRlQPN3AEoqRxhNmPOlmyH5a_kYv9xFBSsaS5QHFnJZRmQbQ_F5wGuseL9-i5_PckAM0bm-oCo6d62KXIbY68zHwAIeFKkB_jzFJQ4/s320/384392_10150481188167569_1180175898_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj3_UQc36ZWmPQAho0qKFDtL0c9l5Ghf5Dnyt2KXqDM0svmfVso4nt9Skw3-EJ_6fBPtr714tg1aNR_nljutffJmymML4ROEl3_RvlV9SPK2I_jELOxrsvokUS9QY-YlOFSjgpn3lLras/s1600/390188_10150481188412569_959721778_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj3_UQc36ZWmPQAho0qKFDtL0c9l5Ghf5Dnyt2KXqDM0svmfVso4nt9Skw3-EJ_6fBPtr714tg1aNR_nljutffJmymML4ROEl3_RvlV9SPK2I_jELOxrsvokUS9QY-YlOFSjgpn3lLras/s320/390188_10150481188412569_959721778_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I was wondering what I was doing last year in December so I checked out my blog. We where remodeling our house. Spent 15 days here last December it was a horrible motel. Take a look. Pink walls will all kinds of sports junk on the walls. I have to say this year is much tamer even if I'm not feeling it.<br />
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I really didn't do anything for Christmas last year except unpack the house and get it in order. We had our bathroom gutted and kitchen remodeled . Funny thing the house is a mess right now. I can count on my house being a mess every winter as my mood is crap. I have been gradually cleaning it up again. The snow does help my mood as it makes it brighter. We have been getting snow gradually and for that I'm fortunate.<br />
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I haven't been to the store in a week. The last time I went I about threw up. I don't cry so when I get overwhelmed with anxiety I gag and throw up. I feel this is a much better week to go shopping and hopefully I wont get overwhelmed with all the people and forget half of the stuff I went shopping for. I hate wasting gas since I don't live in town . The weather also varies much from where I live to town also. But I have been making smaller trips to avoid the crowds and overwhelming anxiety.<br />
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Can't wait to get more snow so I can do some cross country skiing. My ski's are very dusty. I haven't used them in I think 2 winters.<br />
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On the last note my cat has been driving me insane. I switched her food to a grain free wet food and she hates it. She meows and tries to break things all the time. She is gradually accepting it. I hope she accepts it before my nerves are shot from all the meowing and getting into things. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tracker.icerocket.com/services/collector.js"></script></div>Kristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07261679779615151554noreply@blogger.com4