Tossed Salad

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

Fragmented

I have been thinking about blogging. I have had a lot emotionally going on. My head lately has been on the muddled side and fragmented to an extend. I think in incomplete sentences lately. it doesn't much make for a good blog post. It doesn't hurt my head that much as I deal with it and pretty much live in my own head. You would need to know me well to get me when my mind is like this in person .

, I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house. I have been actually having success with list. Generally, I don't have any success with them. I have broke down big jobs down to little things and it helps my muddle brain stay on track about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, I get so distracted I do other things that aren't on my list that also need to get done. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can mark the things on my list done. I'm in the mist of trying to get everything organized and super clean in my house and in my life. In the last year I have let everything go to hell. It truly isn't like me to let everything go to hell either no matter what kind of space I'm emotionally or physically. But it is time to move on and pick up the pieces and be more motivated even when I lack it. I think it is more depressing to just give up like I have. Giving up grows on its self. I still trudge but at least I'm not sinking completely. I still have my days with my grief but gradually it is getting better. In no way it is perfect as nothing in life is. I guess I wish life at times would be a little bit more cut and dry. It isn't especially if your Bipolar. It can be interesting. Some days, I vacillate from taking care of myself lately with running and swimming, eating right and doing all the right things to getting stupid drunk and making an ass out of myself. Over indulging on consumption of the computer also to hide from life. I have liked distraction and have been trying to get out of it. I cancelled one of my facebook accounts that I was active on. I have moderated my drinking more so it isn't so out of control when I'm triggered by anxiety or whatever.

It hasn't been near perfect but I'm slowly learning to deal with what I have been dealt lately. I have been under extreme stress with many things. Some to lengthy to really get into and same of the same ole shit. I just want to start to be not so extreme in anything I do and have more of a balance. I have a hard time with an all or nothing attitude at times. Life comes up all the time and I just need to deal with it the best I can. It seems when I try to get structured I fret if I don't do the same things day after day.

I have went on rambling to long.

Interrupted

One thing that has been bugging me lately is the lack of concentration. It makes things so hard at times. So usually I opt to do brainless manuel tasks in this frame of mind. When it comes to writing it is so hard and I feel like it is all disorganized and jumbled. I just can't have interruptions at all. I got into an argument with J for interrupting me while writing. When writing in this frame of mind , I get distracted and when I'm interrupted I lose my thoughts.

I usually write out in the living room seating on the couch as it is comfortable. It hurts my shoulders and back less. The draw back is interruptions. Here is an example: "Are you chatting?", "Look at that commerical." the list goes on. It is truly annoying trying to write and be interupted. My bubble thoughts are WTF,you know I hardly ever chat and even if I was, why are you interrupting. Or do you really think I give a shit about what the hell is on television? I would be watching tv if I wanted to see it. I never say any of it but I did blow yesterday about getting interrupted as I have told J don't interrupt when I'm writing. If you see my fingers moving be quiet. I did come up with something to help the interruptions. I will now write in the computer room. I have my distractions there but not as many. I told J if you see me in the computer room don't talk to me period. My writing places will get better once we have better weather . I can write in the camper or the shack. The shack is a little building that is just on the cliff on the lake. It is basically a little shelter that is screened from bugs to enjoy the lake on the edge of our property. Frankly, I think it looks like a produce stand. Very functioning though with a bed, table and chair. No electricity though. Which means less distractions.

Talking about distractions, I was writing my pen pal and I wrote four pages. Got distracted many times writing it. It turned out to be crap. I ended up scrapping it. I will have to go back through the letter to pull out the good ideas if they are any. I will start over again and hope it flows better and my ideals are clear and better thought out. I was going to say well thought out. I haven't thought well in awhile. It is coming back slowly and the weather here isn't helping.

The weather is all over the place here. In fact it is snowing today. I want to scream about the snow and lack of sun light. The weather is the weather and I have to deal with it. We had such a nice couple of days last week with warmer temps and bright sun. That didn't last long. Spring is so unpredictable.Back, to winter weather and raining all this coming week. I felt my mood that was starting to even out go the opposite direction to some mixed hell. I brought out the SAD lamp today and hope that it will help when it will be dark, rainy and miserable. It amazes me though going from yard work and gardening to blowing snow again. That was two days ago. I did a lot of yard work and had a ton more to do. My lower back and shoulders really flared up after that though. I'm so sore. I have been getting up and walking like a little old lady. The weather turning has made a lot of my joints hurt. My knee was throbbing yesterday. I didn't even realize my knee hurts as my shoulders take the cake. I just put some biofreeze on and laid down yesterday. It worked. I also had such a throbbing sinus/migraine thing going on yesterday that made me wish I was died. Which brings me to the point if my sinus are acting up why in the hell is it snowing. I like sleeping with the window half open to let the cold air in and can always tell when it is actually spring because it will make me sick as hell with my allergies.

I'm rambling pretty good now and think I will close. I guess I will have to blog more to convey everything I want to say. I don't feel like proof-reading at the moment as it is a chore and I just want to get this out. I haven't been editing post for awhile now. I'm sorry for that as I know it makes it harder to read.

HoHoHum The Holidays

I made it through Christmas. Actually it was Ok. I have had a head cold for several days and it is wearing on me. I had some snacks planned for the hoildays but could barely hold up my head or not ache all over so I didn't have the gorgeous spread I planned. Better news is I'm gradually getting better or I have found the right over the counter medication to mask my symptoms.. It hasn't helped my mixed mood one bit but it helps to know the reason I have been so lazy is I have been sick lately.

I started to get into the spirit on the last minute doing so food shopping last week. I was surpised to find myself smiling at people and opening doors. Something as random as giving someone my 25 cent pay cart to someone and saying Merry Christmas made my dull mood a little better. I also called my parents and daughter yesterday to wish them a Merry Christmas. It was nice to hear their voices. I had a nice chat with everyone of them and it made me happy that they where having a nice hoilday. I miss them but had a nice time by myself. I had a nice relaxing day talking on the phone, lounging, watching t.v. and a nice turkey microwave dinner. I
also recieved some nice presents over the season. A Wii fit, sleep pants, printer with scanner, copier and fax. British comedy series and a 100 dollar Itune card. When I feel better I will try to set everything up and download my music.

I washed Daisy (Dog) yesterday . That was about the only task I got done. I strained my back pretty good. Which makes me realize I need to streghten my back muscles more as I have had trouble for many years with it but seems to go away when I do more exercise. I did relieve some pain with some cream that has some sort of aspirin in it and doing what I do best nothing. It is so sunny today and I need to get my butt out and walk the dog. I really am walking myself though as I think I need it more than the dog. One new goal is to try to get out of the house everyday and walk even a block to just get out since I'm back to hating to get out. I know logically I will feel better and it is the push I need.

I know most of my mood will change like clock work in the middle of January. It will be like a switch. I already feel a tad better with the days getting a little longer now. I couldn't of been happier when I realized yesterday it wasn't so dark at 5pm. It has been sunny also lately which is real weird for this area at this time of year. Usually, we get tons of snow at this time. I won't question it and enjoy the sun even though you can't feel the sun here in the North. Usually when the sun is out it is very cold also. It is -12 this morning but gorgeous. The sun makes the snow glitter. It makes me want to get my snow shoes and ski's out this coming week. I haven't been in the mood at all to do anything but it is coming on.

The Grand Illusion

I'm still in my mixed state of crap. I really don't even know if I want to post but my brain is busy and my body isn't. I have felt like snapping lately. I'm overly bitchy and sharp. I really don't have patients of any sort at the moment for anything. I muster up some patients everyday for Daisy the puppy. I'm about to lose it fast with her also. I feel like running away. Actually, I'm great with running away from anything and anyone. I guess I have stopped running since I moved to another country. I don't have many places at the moment to run to to escape my insanity.

I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.

I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.

One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.

Blah, Blah

I was going to make writing more of a priority but have been living in my head more than anything lately. I have also been feeling pretty low. I even managed to get food poisoning a couple of days ago going out eating a sample of sushi. My stomach hasn't been the same in the past 3-4 days and is just gradually getting back to normal. It is just my dumb luck to do an intensive shopping and getting things done and get sick.

On a better note someone found our cat. She has been missing for three weeks now and I pretty much gave up on her. She was found yesterday in some one's garage. She was trapped in there for three weeks. The people are seasonal residents. They left a couple of weeks ago and came to blow out the driveway this week-end and found her. She looks like a total wreck. She is just skin and bones. It is truly amazing she survived. She must of ate some mice to survive. It has been so bone chilling cold at times also with temps that deep below 0,Farenhiet. Thank-god she was in a sheltered place because we have had a little over 2 feet of snow . I'm going to take her to the vet also. She is just so thin . She probably has worms also from eating something like rodents. Her ears also have a little frost bite on them and acts like she has ear mites. She is a total wreck. I was going to do it today but we have snow squalls and still need to dig out some. Our plow guy that does our driveway hasn't got to us yet. I hope he does so I don't have to blow that mess out myself.

Getting back the cat made me in a better mood. Before, I got her back I was looking high and low for just a little motivation. To get motivation you pretty much have to be inspired. I haven't had inspiration or motivation in awhile . It makes putting a plan and goals together very hard when you just exist. I'm still working on that plan. Right now it is hard enough to live and my plan at the moment consist of getting more structure together and living. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

Mixed Bag Of Nuts

NI trying to do my morning routine. Dogs done, coffee made and checking around the net has commenced. Now I'm blogging with my light on. I have had a massive head-ache or something for the past couple of days. The light makes the head-ache worse so when I have a head-ache I don't do the light therapy. My sleeping lately has been so messed up. Insomnia is something to behold. I have been sorting it out . I just feel so lousy up and down all night. I finally had a nice nights sleep. The things the experts say about sleep pretty right on. Also, just knowing in time I will get on a better sleep schedule is good. I caught out the caffeine in the evening also. I need to add more exercise also to get a nice deep sleep. I take nothing to sleep except the occasional melatonin supplement which works nicely for me at times. Nothing lately though except sleep depriving myself to a schedule , nice sleeping area, nothing busy at night, and I can't think right now about the others. I have also got back on my vitamin regime. I have been on it faithfully for about a week and I feel a little better. I have also started eating more well balanced meals. I know eat 4 small meals a day and try to get all my hydration also. Nutrition is so important for mental and physical health.
As for a plan , I don't have one wrote out yet. I really to be truthful don't know what I want from life. I have some basics like feeling better and things like cleaning up the place and organization. Overall though I don't know what is being realistic. I will have to divide the house up to conquer it. I know I need to get a more concrete plan but right now I'm just barely living. My concentration is shit. My head is all over the place and gradually settling down. I have a hard time staying on one task and breaking down even the smallest steps lately. I feel like a non multi-task. I was making homemade chicken strips the other night and something so easy was just making me a nervous hot mess with the dog trying to get my attention. I mumbled to Daisy the puppy , that I couldn't chew bubble gum and walk . Basically. I had to yell for J to get the puppy away from me so I could focus. I feel when I'm in this mixed mood of muck I have to communicate that I can't focus at all or I look pretty petty and grouchy. I just can't have any distractions when I'm doing something right now and have to have tunnel vison to get anything done. I'm getting things slowly done will have a plan . My head drifts so much lately and it isn't all a bad thing. When you think about so much , you don't fixate one one trivial thing or focus on something bigger. Like my cat has been missing for a week. I have now lost hope to get her back. I have done reward posters,newspaper ad, contacting the humane society, a radio lost and found on the small local radio station, looking for her and calling neighbours. I miss her but I'm not going into more of a down-ward spiral for the cat either. My mind is all over the place lately and as it shoots around like a pinball, I get glances of all the areas of my life until I turn on TV and drown it all out with dribble. Will try sometime this week to update my ramblings with something more concrete .

Season Change...Mood Change

I can feel autumn in the air. The pretty colours of the trees are bright. Yellows, reds, gold and burgundy light up the landscape. It has been nice and sunny lately. Every wonderful fall something happens that isn't so wonderful. My mood changes and not for the better. My mood picks up to only drop into a nasty vicious mixed mood. I'm not mixed at the moment but I know it will come by November and stay until about Januarary. My moods are highly predicatable but not the severity.

I try to busy myself waiting for the other shoe to drop off . I know I will be paralyzed with depression and mania. I plan for this mood and try to take the burden off some of the things I have to do. It isn't working like I want it to at the moment as I'm so scattered. I try to get things done anyway. I prepare for the winter and also as I prepare for the winter I prepare for things to come such as becoming a hermit for months and not wanting to get out. I'm hoping to possible get my SAD light next week. If it doesn't come through I will buy one as I don't want to suffer the light changes that make my moods worse. I have already started on my vitamin D and a complex B vitamin to give me some natural energy as my energy is a flip of a coin on any given day. I really need to start my exercise back up also. I have been trying to be real structured as it is real important bracing for the blackness that I experiance. All, the little things count . I tell myself that anyway. Just like seasons come and go . I know my moods come and go also.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonaide

I'm up very early this morning. It has been awhile since, I have got up so early. It is so nice and quiet. I'm drinking coffee and wondering what to blog as nothing particular has been different in my life lately. With it raining a lot , I don't get out much. I did go on a date with J last week and it was fun. We went out to eat and came home to watch a movie. I think it is important not to get into a rut with a relationship. It made for a nice date and we had nice food. Other than that it has been a ton of trudging day to day with life. I have been trying to get out of my rut but I guess I'm not fighting hard enough as I just keep on going in circles. I went off the anti-depressant as I found myself sleeping more and being less productive. My mind just felt like a bag of skittles that busted on the floor. It was all over the place. As much as I detest psych meds I occasional take them when I need to have some adhesive for my brain. I started some haldol and it has been great at holding my fleeting brain together. I will do that until this mood passes and I'm a little more stable like I was in the past. It is a little disheartening that I was pretty OK for 2 years and how I can just fall to pieces this year. I guess it is the nature of the bipolar beast. Back to the basics again and less excuses .

Getting There

I was so depressed yesterday dealing with my emotions about Spud the dog. I guess I'm out of shock, anger and bargaining and moving into acceptance. Oh the wonderful grief process. I know life has to go on and we have two other dogs and a cat. I brushed one dog yesterday and clipped the nails of the cat as part of me taking care of them. Took one on a small walk . Trying to get back to normal whatever that is. I felt dead inside as I did all my task yesterday and going to town to go grocery shopping and do errands. Finally got my tomatoes and other things I need to finish the garden. I also got a ton of flowers as they make me happy and the more they grow I get a big delight out of it.
Today is suppose to be warm and I will get a lot done hopefully if I don't crap out emotionally and physically. I know I will gradually move on but really don't know about this flat do nothing irritable mood that is getting old. The dog really was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel paralyzed when it comes to do the things I really need to get done and just get nothing done. I have no motivation and don't have the energy to just make myself. I will repeat trudge , trudge , trudge

Things are only getting worse

I have been in a bad mood for about a week now and it just seems to get more complicated. It was an ordinary mixed mood with no motivation, depression, aggitation, restless boarding on obessive thoughts over and over and just the general tendency not to live comfortable in my skin. I have had no energy or just meager energy to get what I think I can get done. When Bam the dog we have had for 12 years and has been in my life for eight is dying. It feels like a little piece of my soul is gone. It has been pushing me over the edge of reason and my mood just gets worse. I have been crying over her and hopefully today we will find something out.

Baby Steps, Overcoming my Mood

I have been trying to trudge my way through whatever I'm going through. It is sort of like a mixed mood but more on the depression side. I do have some energy but can't stay focused on what I need to do and it seems in the past month with being sick everything has fallen apart. I'm also back to going to sleep early and getting up early. Where I was going to bed late and getting up at a normal time. It is so weird to look at the contrast of my moods and reflect on them.
I do know I'm getting better as I can make myself do some things around the house. I lack motivation all together and no one tells you how to regain it. It's either Just Do it or they can't understand why I don't and can let everything around me crumble. Well Just do it is great if I'm in any other mood than mixed or severe depression. In a mixed mood I just do what I want to do and lack the concentration of staying on task. Depression I do nothing and have a hard time feeding myself meals on top of it.
Yesterday, was a good day for me as I picked up some stuff around the house. I tell myself every time I get up pick up something and put it away or pick up ten things. It has been working. I got my laundry sorted to take to the laundry mat as clothes where storn all over and aren't anymore. I even gave all three dogs a haircut and clipped their nails. They look orderly and manicured. They where real good about it and are ready to stop dropping pounds of winter hair all over the place. It helps me and it helps them. I didn't clip them that short but tried to get the winter hair off and off the Brittany I just made him look like a Brittany instead of a wild haired mountain goat from the Himalayas . I still have some stripping off the hair off the back with the Golden Retrievers. Also, another nice brushing this week to get all the winter off of them. It would be easier to just take the three into the groomers but I'm trying to be a little more frugal and saved myself about 150.00. I have been doing there grooming for about a year now and I'm gradually getting better. The nice thing about screwing up it grows back.
I'm also getting cleaned up again everyday or putting on my work clothes for around the house. I have done that now for three days going on four. I have paraded around in my house clothes for to long now. I remember when I retired, I found no need to put on regular clothes and opted for lounge clothes . Real clothes everyday is what I need and a shower also even if I do messy work outside. I have found if I can't commit to little things such as regular clothes, brushing my teeth everyday , I'm not going to get the things done around the house and just watch tv. I certainly don't care what I look like when I'm depressed. So trudging back out of that hole I have to take care of every aspect even if it means getting cleaned up is all I do for that day and take care of my personal needs. If I get a couple things a day done it is better than nothing also. I have also been making a mental note in my head what I really need to get done first as everything seems so overwhelming. Chipping away at it in little chunks seems to be working and making myself feel better with cleaning up and healthy meals help also.
Now if it could get sunny today it would be a great start to my day as I'm looking forward to golfing again. It seems that I need something fun to do or even get out of this house.

I'm back

I know I finally feel like I have a little life in me if I feel like blogging. I have started to get more active again. I have been suffering from severe allergies and have done everything from washing them out to taking meds for them. The meds have left me feeling crappy and speedy but anti-social. I have done my best around the house even though I feel like I could of done more to keep things in order and I haven't. I have a big wreck of a house to clean up since the month of decline in mood and body. My back hurts today after unloading a hind of beef and some pork which together is about 175lbs. I'm set for meat until this fall and I'm very happy about it. I also planted a garden even though I have one more part of the garden to till up by hand and plant. The weather is still coldish to put in tomatoes or starter plants. I still have tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, eggplant to put in and some herbs by seed. I have put in sugar peas, snap peas, swiss chard, salad greens, green onions, and radishes.
I have finally sent a gift card for my mother's day present and hope it gets there faster than she has sent my birthday present. My birthday was last week and cards and presents still ha vent came even though people have asked me about them. I'm still sort of disappointed about not receiving them in a timely matter. Oh well it is the thought that counts even if I don't know what that thought is.
I got a golf membership not that long ago and have played a couple of times but haven't lately due to bugs and allergies. I tend to keep in the house during black fly season. I will soon when it isn't raining . I wish today it wouldn't rain because I feel real good for a change. I do look forward to the summer though.

I have been busy cleaning the house and getting a lot done. My mood is all over the place at the moment. It goes from excitement to being overwhelmed. I have a lot to look forward to but I have to get much done. When I get overwhelmed , I sleep. I think it will get better when the Olympics are over as in the evenings, I bored shit less with that on. I know a ton of people enjoy it but I don't. Next week, we are going skiing again and I sprang for private lessons. I think it will be great because the last time there wasn't enough people for the lesson and it was just the two of us and it was great. I learned a lot. I have been trying to get more fit for skiing but I doubt I will be that fit to last all day. Me going to the gym is going well and so is the diet. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to eat as much as I did before the diet. I will continue with the gym to enhance my summer activities of golf and mtn. biking. I also have family visiting and I don't want them to see me at my heaviest either.
Oh, a little rant. I have had to get something notarized and found out only lawyers do them in this country. I was a little pissed as in the states you just go anywhere to get the document stamped. To add insult to injury I couldn't even get an lawyer to call me back. I found a notary service in a different town 90 miles away. That I will have to go to. This only reminds me how inept the people in this town is and makes me hate where I live just a little more if that is possible. It just makes the many reasons come up, why I hate this hole. I have to think summer will be here and I will be able to mtn.bike in a different city and golf and it might make it a little tolerable. Also, seeing my family will be so great. I'm lonely living here and it is great to have someone around that relates to you. Until , then I will clean a little more to get my new couch tomorrow. That was a bright spot in this town , it was easy to get a couch without the shit that generally happens buying anything from this town.

Ick... It's Olympic time

I have been in a weird mood. I contribute it to PMS , diet and just regular mood patterns. Most of the time it really doesn't matter why I'm in a mood. I have been a little obsessive, irritable, indifferent , angry about everything and just immobile. It sort of sounds like a mixed mood for me since nothing is getting done except watching television and surfing the Internet.
I got into an argument on Valentines with J over the Olympics. I loath the Olympics and instead of keeping it to myself , I had to go on a rant on why I don't like it. It doesn't much make a nice Valentines day to do that or any other day. I have been so obsessed with researching all the negative aspects of the Olympics to argue and belittle it in every way. It makes for a hostile home environment. Even when I do try to escape it, it's everywhere on the television to the sponsors that say it is the Olympic toilet paper to the official sponsor of whatever stupid product it is. The Olympics brings out the worst in me from hating it to fighting juvenile nationalistic tendencies when arguing with J. She now thinks it isn't worth watching it till I'm in bed. I rather watch hours of info-mercials or really bad tv than be subjected to the Olympics.
It has brought me to the conclusion that we need two televisions since it has brought up differences in epic proportions of our preferences on television and how the Olympics has spilled over to other arguments of why am I subjected to your taste and neither one of us want to watch other things the other one watches on television . Neither one of us has been getting along since the Olympics and shows deeper divided in our relationship other than the dreaded games. The games just happened to bring up some issues.
It hasn't helped that I suffer from PMS and get a little out there during that time of month. It doesn't help either that I'm on this diet and all I want is a piece of cake or a soda. I have cheated two times other than that if I want a snack it is a piece of fruit. I will be going to the gym this week if I can force myself out of the house. I don't want to go anywhere . People just plain irritate me and I find fault with everything lately. I know it will pass probably pretty soon. I could ramble on but I won't

Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Life

Life is OK. My partner got out of detox Monday. She is still weak physically but doing well. I see a vast improvement with her. She still has along ways to go physically but is getting there. I was actually happy to have her back home and take it a day at a time also with her problem. My mood is still mixed and I have been trying to be up beat. My sleep is still irregular but at least I'm sleeping. I know sometime, it will go back to normal. I just need a jolt or something to get it back to normal hours that people sleep.
I'm going to have to start getting ready also for our trip next week and I have had not much energy except to do stuff that I have to do around the house. I look forward to the trip actually to get out and visit in-laws and get a little shopping done. I want to buy some cross country ski's this year and possibly some snow shoes. Last year I bought some ice skates which I need to use more. I'm a terrible skater. I actually look forward to the snow as that is when a second wave of life starts around here. It is also nice and bright in the winter and not ugly and as dull as it is now.

Procrastination

Procrastination marks my life. I finally got my media storage center done to unburden the clutter. I needed to finish it to move all the games and movies we have. When I was able to do that I could hook up the VCR-DVD transfer to get up all the old VCR movies to DVD format. I'm the gadget person. I hook up everything around the house and hook up everything.
I also finally hooked up the Wii. I have all the stuff that has been hanging around for months in their place and it looks nice. I don't know why I put it off as it was easy. I have lacked motivation for awhile. I think just taking time for myself yesterday helped promote getting things done. I also don't want to deal with my relationship problems of late. I have a lot of time on my hands now . My mood is not great and still mixed. Nothing makes it worse than sitting on my ass . I really would like to just sleep but life doesn't get better when I sleep. Here is to more things to come. I even made a list today and it built on it's self with getting things done. I clear an area and do more.

Mood

My mood is a mixed mood. Which is a mix of depression and mania. I thought I was just suffering from SAD.(Seasonal Affective Disorder) The weather surely isn't helping matters either. When it is bright and sunny I'm up during the day and down in the evening. When it is grey and dark ,I'm bored and up . The evening down and dull like the sky. It has done nothing but rain and rain. It gets real old. Old like my mood. It will change but when I do not know. I was starting to get some sleep like a normal person before my sinus infection. I thought sickness would trigger more of my irregular sleep patterns. I'm now going to bed in the early evening and getting up at about 2-3 in the morning. What does one do so early in the morning, while others sleep? I try to be quiet and it is hard. I read a lot in the morning. I surf the Internet in the wee hours. I would like to do something else but not many things are quiet and wont wake someone up.
Routine is a thing of the past. Structure is a thing of the past in this mood also. I do what I feel like during the day. Sometimes that is a lot and sometimes it is nothing at all. I'm aware that I'm not the master of my moods lately and I need to get it under control. I need to put back some routine and structure into my life as it helps not only my moods but my sanity. I was fortunate to indulge in my photography this week-end and get lost. It was my mood that I was able to even see something to photograph. When I'm up I can see the silver lining in any subject and it speaks to me. It gives me motivation. When I'm down I just see a patch of grass that is dingy from the welting weather of fall. I just see a rodent in the sky , not a wonderful seagull that has alot of expression. It is funny how a bipolar person see's the world. It is either full of possibilities and is bright. Or it is painfully dull and void. It can at times be frightening also. Very much muddled and fragmented.
I just want to get back into a semi-routine. It is hard to get back to that point but I'm sure I will. I have been beating the all or nothing attitude. Which I have most of the time. Life isn't black or white . For me it has a lot of grey to it tinted all sorts of colours at times. It is time for me to just do it and get the things done in my life that I grapple with. It is hard and sometimes impossible for me to do. I trudge and trudge in the trench of this illness at times . The thing is I don't give up and I keep trudging until I get out of the trench of what ever is going on.

My funny brain

I have been thinking , what will I blog about. Most of the time, I don't find my life very interesting. Although it can be pretty crazy in a mental way and not a chaotic way at the moment. Generally, my mood of mixed (depressed & manic) doesn't appear and shows it's ugly head until the end of October and November . Now living in Canada and the weather being different, it seemed to trigger the seasonal delight faster. The weather has changed dramatically and I wouldn't see this weather until sometime in November where I used to live. Recently my brain has started to spin circles for half of the day . I just wish I could burn some calories from all the spinning my brain has been doing lately. Then the second half of the day it seems to be pretty asleep and dead. My brain tires it's self out and happily I take the much needed break. Yesterday by noon I questioned myself do I need to take some as needed meds to settle the beast of my brain down. I seemed to gity and making stupid jokes. As harmless as that sounds that can quickly escalate into something more obnoxious and ugly. I also was more than my irritable self at the same time. I could hardly sit down and was getting antsy and hyper. I thought to myself , I think I'm going to take some meds . I also asked my partner if my perceptions where correct about myself. Well they where and she told me nicely maybe you should take that little yellow pill. I generally don't take meds and only do when they are needed. I have pretty much been controlling my moods pretty well without being a victim of psych meds. Being a victim of psych meds is a whole separate blog into it's self . I'm just more stable if that can be possible without them and seem to live better. I do take one med as needed and do that only occasionally. It works for me and that is all that matters.
Back to my ramble. I needed my brain to slow down yesterday and was happy with the results of being able to relax and watch movies for most of the day. I debated whether to do something useful as enjoy the sunny day outside and convinced myself watching movies was more of a thing for me to do. Why you ask ? Well because it is pretty low key and doesn't trigger my mood to escalate any farther. That is when chick flicks are very welcomed in my living room. As much as I would like to deny that I watch chick flicks and fluffy movies I do watch them. Everyone needs light at times. I really enjoyed and laughed at this movie called He's Just Not Into You. It is crazy and humorous about the subject of social cues men give and how women interpret them . It seems in the movie most women don't accurately read the cues right. I found it very comical and thought I'm not alone trying in my journey to interrupt what is normal and what does that person really mean by this. I don't know what normal is and guess at it a lot. It just made me think watching the movie so called normal people question what is normal also. It also made me think how differently men and women communicate. Even though it can be stereo typical how women and men communicate. I have seen women communicate like the stereo typical male and men communicate in the stereo typical female fashion. I see so much grey area on how people communicate and it isn't always influenced by gender and more on a variable of factors. As the times change it seems the genders do also to a certain extent. Any way I found the movie to be entertaining as it addressed some issues in a comical way. It also made me think thank-god I don't date as it seems very complex and crazier than my own life. Relationships can be complicated enough without the added drama of guessing if the person is into you are not. I'm thank-ful that I'm in a relationship that I don't have to guess all the time and what the motivation behind things are. It is pretty straight forward. The things that make you think can be so mundane such as a movie as I really didn't think I would be provoked to think at all watching this. It got me through the day and I was thank-ful to relax and just Be for a change. It is nice to manage to be in the moment with what I do and not thinking about other things as I'm trying to do one thing at task.
Now back to drinking coffee this morning and enjoying the wee hours of the morning.