Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tossed Salad

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

1 comment:

  1. Sigh. Brain salad you say? Yeah, me too.
    Backwards isn't necessarily so bad. Merlin, wizard in the court of King Arthur, is supposed to have lived his whole life backwards. Which is why he could accurately predict the "future."
    Oh, I see; wizard isn't your style. OK, then.
    Blessings and Bear hugs in the meantime, especially if those will help to re-assemble your brain.