Baby Steps, Overcoming my Mood

I have been trying to trudge my way through whatever I'm going through. It is sort of like a mixed mood but more on the depression side. I do have some energy but can't stay focused on what I need to do and it seems in the past month with being sick everything has fallen apart. I'm also back to going to sleep early and getting up early. Where I was going to bed late and getting up at a normal time. It is so weird to look at the contrast of my moods and reflect on them.
I do know I'm getting better as I can make myself do some things around the house. I lack motivation all together and no one tells you how to regain it. It's either Just Do it or they can't understand why I don't and can let everything around me crumble. Well Just do it is great if I'm in any other mood than mixed or severe depression. In a mixed mood I just do what I want to do and lack the concentration of staying on task. Depression I do nothing and have a hard time feeding myself meals on top of it.
Yesterday, was a good day for me as I picked up some stuff around the house. I tell myself every time I get up pick up something and put it away or pick up ten things. It has been working. I got my laundry sorted to take to the laundry mat as clothes where storn all over and aren't anymore. I even gave all three dogs a haircut and clipped their nails. They look orderly and manicured. They where real good about it and are ready to stop dropping pounds of winter hair all over the place. It helps me and it helps them. I didn't clip them that short but tried to get the winter hair off and off the Brittany I just made him look like a Brittany instead of a wild haired mountain goat from the Himalayas . I still have some stripping off the hair off the back with the Golden Retrievers. Also, another nice brushing this week to get all the winter off of them. It would be easier to just take the three into the groomers but I'm trying to be a little more frugal and saved myself about 150.00. I have been doing there grooming for about a year now and I'm gradually getting better. The nice thing about screwing up it grows back.
I'm also getting cleaned up again everyday or putting on my work clothes for around the house. I have done that now for three days going on four. I have paraded around in my house clothes for to long now. I remember when I retired, I found no need to put on regular clothes and opted for lounge clothes . Real clothes everyday is what I need and a shower also even if I do messy work outside. I have found if I can't commit to little things such as regular clothes, brushing my teeth everyday , I'm not going to get the things done around the house and just watch tv. I certainly don't care what I look like when I'm depressed. So trudging back out of that hole I have to take care of every aspect even if it means getting cleaned up is all I do for that day and take care of my personal needs. If I get a couple things a day done it is better than nothing also. I have also been making a mental note in my head what I really need to get done first as everything seems so overwhelming. Chipping away at it in little chunks seems to be working and making myself feel better with cleaning up and healthy meals help also.
Now if it could get sunny today it would be a great start to my day as I'm looking forward to golfing again. It seems that I need something fun to do or even get out of this house.

Procrastination

I have been in a slump for awhile and have no motivation. It is gradually coming back but it has come to the point where I just need to do the things I need to do whether I want to or not. I don't think there is anything to get me motivated except baby steps. I think I'm going to start a small routine with my morning ritual and start blogging more as it seems to keep me more accountable and on track. I have all sorts of things to do now I need to narrow them down to the most important and build on that. I also need some fun or something to plan as that motivates me more. I hate list but maybe I need to make one and narrow down the things I really need to do. I'm a master at procrastination. Depression gets so old and I hate whining about how I'm in a slump.

Moving Forward

I have been domestic lately after a 2 month furlough. Gradually, I'm getting back to my routine in the house and enjoying it. I can be very domestic or not domestic at all. It is all about my mood when it comes to homemaking. I'm also taking up more interest and hobbies. Taking up hobbies have never been hard for me. Actually, I have the tendency to take up to many.
The other day I replaced the bird feeders that should of been condemned a long time ago. They where in such bad disrepair , I bought some more. I forgot how expensive it can be to feed the little buggers. I'm used to mid-western birds that will eat any thing and be delighted. I have an array of thistle, black sunflower , white sunflower, and some song bird mix of food for them. I love watching birds and much better than watching the stuff I watch on tv. I look forward to watching them as I will have to put the feeders up in the spring due to bears. I don't like having bear bait on the property.
I have been yearning for brighter weather and warmer weather also. I think what sparked my need for spring/summer is the flood of seed magazines , I have been receiving. I love gardening and can't wait to plant a garden. My amaryllis and hyacinth is starting to shoot up to bloom pretty soon also. It reminds me of spring . I'm sort of in a spring like mood with plants. I bought an orchid yesterday and look forward to trying to keep it alive. I go through a period in the winter where I need plants and grass. Last year I planted regular grass in a pot. I stuck a golf tee in it with a golf ball. It was nice to think about the golf season. It is easier to plant cat grass though and the cat likes it. I planned another batch for her and it makes me happy to see green and the cat happy she has something to munch on without getting yelled at and shooed away from.
I also got a running magazine to give me inspiration to discover I can run in this muck of snow and ice. Running doesn't stop in the winter. I need to buy me some yaktraxs to put on my running shoes. I think I will use some older running shoes as I don't want to get my new ones mucked up. Basically, I have the clothes for it as you adjust the layers for the winter. Up to three layers just like cross country skiing. Something to wick like long underwear that has wool in it. I like a performance wool blend. Something to keep the wind off and to repeal the water. Something to service as a insulator . I use a cotton shirt and sweats. They sell all sorts of running gear for the winter but I really don't want to spend the money at the moment. I do have a winter cycling jacket that I could use for a jacket also.It has nice zip pits and is warmer so I don't have to wear so many layers to run in. They say to adjust it according to how cold it is. I don't know how much I will enjoy running in the winter or jogging. I think I would prefer to snowshoe or ski. I'm thinking of trying running this coming Friday or week-end if I don't get mowed down by a snow mobile and I can hurdle the snow banks just in case. I will give it a try though as I miss it and like to run on something other than a treadmill.
I generally get more antsy and hyper during Feb and March. It seems my hyper clock is a little off on dates. I don't know how long this good mood will last but I like it. It is different going from being immobile to more active. I feel good when I can perform and get things done. It seems to build on my good mood. I'm even starting to freeze more things up for dinner when I'm immobile with depression again. Or just not feeling well. I'm finally looking a head. Things are starting to look up again.

Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Home

I'm back at home again and in a strange way, I'm happy. I was able to get a whole 6 hours of sleep , without interuptions. I haven't slept 6 hours straight in weeks . I was sleeping 3-4 hours straight then waking up and maybe getting a hour afterwards, or just sleeping in the day. I actually was able to stay up for evening programming last night. I'm leveling out and I really think the strict rountine and structure I get from travelling helps it. So does extra meds when I need them. I generally hate meds and what they do to me but will take them when I'm manic. They are a god send as I hate being a bouncy complusive mess that mania reduces me to. It isn't real fun for me and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin most of the time. I also noticed even though I spent a lot of money on things that I actually needed it made me sick to spend that money. It was a healthy sign and I'm out of spending mode even if I think I need it. I'm thinking about really getting back to budgeting lately and saving up money.

Christmas , is coming up and I have most of my shopping done and I'm happy that I'm not stressing at the last minute over it. I also set limits this year and hope I wont go over them like I have in the past. The less stress I make myself the less I get triggered from my mood that seems to fuel it. I was happy that I was able to find some normalcy traveling as odd as it seems puts me in a more structured frame of mind. I feel like I have a fresh slate to start on at home and to get some of that structure and rountine back here if I can. Travelling also stressed to me that I need to get out more no matter what. The sunny weather is really helping me a lot. The days are chalked with sun for the past week . What a little sun and sleep will do to a mood. I actually look forward to cooking today also. I actually don't want to isolate any longer and get out and do some grocery shopping to pick up the basics also. I want to really work on getting some more strict structure and rountine balanced with some fun. I was really reminded how much boredom fuels my negative attitude and restless nature.
Now it is time to get busy and try to live life to it's fullest and back to list making to priotize what I need to get done and some brainstorming about what to do around this small town to keep me occupied so I don't become such a malcontent and grump.