Friday, March 29, 2013

I just need to vent! or bitch!

I'm so something right now. I guess the word is fed up. We have been having a slow running drain. So, I decided in my wisdom to do deal with it on a Good Friday when everything is closed until probably Tuesday. Four boxes of baking soda, several hours of this and Drano and the drains are real messed the f%k up. Flush the toilet now and it backs in the shower. Drain the tub the toilet bubbles. Run the kitchen sink and it is the only thing that drains slowly. I'm literally up shit creek.

While, I'm sweating my butt off with boiling kettles of water and various chemicals J is just happily clicking away of facebook. I say could you getting the fecking dogs out of my way. They are going to get burned by boiling water. Could you possible maybe give me a hand. Oh hell no. The problem is every problem in this house is my problem. Because insert excuse J has . I'm tired and pmsing like nobodies business. Which just makes me more vocal.    J has also been manic as hell. Mouthy out in public . I deal with it by saying please stay in the car. Or go find somewhere to seat out of the publics way. It is embarrassing when a person has no filters out in public and says rude things about children and etc. Even if it is valid which it is most people only have bubble thoughts it doesn't actually come out of their mouths. Top that off with J cutting back smoking which probably triggered this wonderful mood. J has took up a government programme to stop smoking . It last 6 months. It is moving slowly. If I say anything negative about this , I'm not being supportive. So, I keep it to myself. The problem is I have to keep everything to myself. It just stresses J out to hear money problems   , any problem  really. The puppy is also my problem also. The puppy really bonded to me so the excuse is I don't have to do anything because that dog choose you. It is both our dog and both our responsibility.

As, you can see it is just one fight after another lately. I need a vacation away from everybody . I need a break from J also. Will I get one. No. I'm trying to work on an idea to send J to visit J's parents. Leave me for a couple of days to deal with that mess also. It wouldn't be until next month though. It also doesn't help that we are going to probably have to pay for a plumbing problem again. I have so had it with our plumbing and water problems. I think I should own stock in the plumbers company. Over the past 5 years we have replaced a whole water system, all pipes in the bathroom , kitchen also winter related freezing problems in the pump house with busted pipes. Had the whole backyard dug up last year for a busted pipe. That was fun having a backhoe in the backyard and had the whole line dug up. I can hear myself growling in my head. It is like a plumbing gremlin. To be fair everything was real old and just happened to go at a fairly steady rate. No upgrades have been made in 20-25 years.  It doesn't feel any better though having to fork the money out at a fairly steady rate though. It just seems in the past 6-7 years everything has went at once. Get out of one jam get into another. It is just life though. I tell myself that to make it feel better. But really it is just life. Sometimes, life really sucks and isn't fair. The thing is I deal with it and move on. I just was hoping to have an incident free spring.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


The other night I was contacted from a close friend that vanished for a year. I had no reason why she vanished. She changed her phone number multiple times. Vanished completely from the Internet . I managed to fin her husbands facebook but would get one or two cryptic messages. I just totally wrote her off and wondered what I could of said or done wrong to end this relationship.

I didn't count on she went off her meds started drining and became psychotic. When I talked to her the other night she was out of it. Talking she was in the CIA and FBI and other things. It made no sense. I talked to her for several hours and she was just so incoherent . It was so circular going round and round. I went with the illogical for 2 hours an finally had enough. I had to go to bed it was 1:00 am way past my bedtime. I was not getting anywhere and finally called her out on not taking care of herself and drinking. I haven't heard from her sense .

I'm not said about it either. I don't care if you take no meds or if you do. You have to take care of yourself and not get to that babbling point. I have been to the babbling point but not with anyone except J and personally the only person I will take to the babbling point also is J. I'm so sorry this person trust no one at all. That is a very sad point. I have always trusted J at my worst and J the same. You have to trust one person when your mental ill and someone that can be subjective. Someone that isn't the enemy. This person is so remote to me and now I'm her enemy  even threatening me because I said in a nice way that she had a chemical imbalance and didn't say insane which I thought. I will probably be stalked. Oh wonderful.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


It is a lazy Sunday morning. The dogs are chewing bones. The cats are sleeping. J is watching a movie. I'm attempting to catch up with blogging after being gone for a month. I have been very busy with the new puppy this last month and just generally depressed but functioning.

I have been sleep deprived trying to house train Alice. She is about house trained. She has learned so much this month. She knows how to sit, stay, come, her name, not to bite and most importantly the word NO. She also has been learning the only thing that should be in her mouth is her toys. She also knows the word give. If I have to take something away from her, I say give and she spits it out. She is a very easy going , intelligent, playful and such picks up on so much.

I forgot how tiring a puppy is and  how they are so much work.  I was fighting depression before the puppy and had to give up my light to have my full eye on her in the morning and out the door with the slightest sign of having to go to the bathroom. She wakes up to go every morning at 4 like clock work. It has got some what better with the bathroom the older and bigger bladder she gets. I'm not putting on clothes as we are going out the door anymore in the freezing winter.

I'm back to my lamp. Someone in the question asked if I like my lamp. I actually hate it because I'm bored with light shining in my eyes making me blind for a half an hour. If I can manage to walk around half blinded or listen to the tv or radio it isn't so bad.  I just try to tell myself it is better than being depressed. I find the only thing good for my depression is when my cycle ends naturally which should happen when it gets sunny and actually spring.

The weather is very depressing. It snows and doesn't warm at all. It has been forcasted to be a little warmer this week and something as sunshine. It has been a very grey winter this year. Grey like my mood for months and I'm looking forward to sunshine and bright days. I have been planning for happier days also. I already scheduled and booked our vacation for 2 weeks this Autumn . Planned a family reunion in the summer. Casino and Comedy show at the end of  May. It is nice to get away for a night. I don't really care for casinos though as they are to busy and triggering for me. I do like them for short amounts of time though. I usually just spend about 2 hours in one and that is my limit. I generally try to just eat , play then go to the show and that is it. I recognize I can be to impulsive with gambling. I will only allow myself to blow 40 bucks and what ever I earn.

I'm starting to ramble. I think I will end now.