Crazy Lady

It is an overcast Sunday morning gradually warming up to what is going to be pleasurable temps today. About, 10-15C or between 50-6o degrees. I'm looking forward to the wonderful weather. Yesterday, was wonderful also weather wise. It didn't start out as such a nice day though. I guess I woke up wrong. I started out OK. I did my usual things I do in the morning and then almost about snapped and went all Psycho/Crazy lady. I didn't want to really go there. In my mind my anger and crazy was justifided. I still had a part of the rational me left. I told J to get me a haldol. I generally don't take meds except when I truly need them and think I'm going to be a train wreck. I really thought I was going to derail and cause a firey crash. My mind was so irrational with thoughts that bordered homicidal. Not that I would ever go that far but it is so uncomfortable to have such rage and anger that isn't in proportion with reality.

I took the two pills. They weren't acting fast enough. I had about 45minutes plus to kill until the meds would start to work. I thought I really had to do something to distract myself and something physical. I had laundry to load to take to town and to clear out the truck. I went outside and started to distract myself. I worked hard unloading things, and gatherering things . While , I was outside, I could hear the birds sing, the woodpecker peck and the ellusive squirell run around. I thought to myself it is hard to be a raging homicidal wreck when it is so nice outside and cheery with the wildlife. When this happened I knew i was being more logical because when I'm in that mood I wouldn't give a flip about some birds singing even though I love nature. The change in pace helped a lot also. Being distracted and inaged in other things helped so much not to fixate in the irrational. During this corse of time , I was very careful about opening my mouth to J. J doesn't deserve for me to go all crazy lady . I did need to voice my anger later on as it was still very real and legit. I waited till I was logical and focused to share my anger. Also, J knows when I say I'm in an irrational place , J doesn't mess with me or talk to me until I'm ready. The animals also seem to get that point also as they stay away from me. When I'm in that state of mind I'm very quiet and must radiate a lot of hostility. My head goes a million miles an hour etc. I think I must have a real intense look and look off my rocker. I had the knack of a look years ago.When I was teaching . One look and some misbehaved kid would think a little harder and start behaving. I know the dogs and cat behaved wonderfully all day yesterday. They have been a handful lately probaly because I have had such a crappy attitude and haven't wanted to bother with anything.

It ended up being a postive day. I did the things I finally have needed to do mentally. I realized how lazy I have been for awhile taking care of myself and allowing my mood to get worse over the months. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my mood not turning better this time of year as it always turns more postive. Well for me to have more of a postive mood, I always worked at it or it is the ugly mixed crap or negative mania. It was like boom yesterday. I had enough of the way my life has been going and this crap is going to change. It won't change over night but I'm aware of the changes I need to make. Some of it is such basic things that I tend to neglect. Taking Vitamins, eating right and exericsing. The list is actually long but those little things go along ways to a start. I need to start sharing my feelings so I don't have so much anxiety and anger going on also. I got to the point I have just had it in every way and one of those areas was in my relationship with J. I don't know if J will change. But I have to change how I react to J and the lack of what J does and doesn't do.

I'm starting down a road where I'm going to start dealing a little more with how I handle things. I haven't been implusive in a longtime but instead realized I internalized a lot causing me to be more of a mixed wreck. I tired of keeping it all organized in my brain. It turned into a huge mess emotionally for myself where I was feeling dead and numb. Here is a start to a new day. Putting the knowledge I have to work.

Hiding Under A Rock

I feel like I have been living under a rock for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had much of anything to really say. I have had things to say but I have been very quite. I haven't spoke much to anyone. I think if my foggy brain serves me right , I hardly said one word in a week to even J. Or even when I would barely go out say a word to anyone else and have a blank stare on my face. I read blogs but really didn't have much to say either. Didn't really update my facebook either. It has took me the last 4-5 days to get in a more social mood with anyone or anything. I really have just looked like a stump for two weeks. I haven't had anything to say good or bad.

The weather has been up and down for the past two weeks. Sun and dark grey. This time of the year it is generally sunny and edging towards spring. I get excited about spring. Not this year. Winter hangs on with it's cold hand. Blowing it's cold breath and spreading it's greyness and tantrums of unpredictable bouts of snow, ice and rain.

I wish I could recall of the past two weeks but it was so boring and it is foggy. it seems like it all runs into each other. Basically, it has been just daily life. Life without much emotion or passion. It has been getting about getting by.

I did have a nicer day yesterday. It was very sunny and very cold. I sat outside in the sun. I played with the dogs in the snow also. I broke out my green egg and grilled a steak. Nothing like the taste of hickory. I also took pictures. I haven't snapped a picture in over 4 months. I didn't snap anything special but at least I took some. Everything has looked so bland that it hasn't caught my eye at all in the past couple of months. I usually carry my little camera everywhere. I'm hoping that I will break out my Nikon pretty soon even though it is bulky. Who knows it is my b-day next month and I will get a better little camera. I think J will kill me for asking as my Nikon cost a fortune and I have hardly used it much in the past 2-3 years as I do the little camera. Mostly, because it is bulky and costly where I don't want to damage it.

I just wish my mood would make up it's mind about what mood it wants to be in. I have got many false starts into my usual mood for this time of year. My mood cycle is pretty predictable and this winter has been harder than usual for me mood wise.
It seems either the depression or the mixed just won't snap so easy. I really think it has to do with the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) with the mood not wanting to move to hypo-mania-mania. It really doesn't matter as each mood has it's baggage for me. I'm just bored and long over due to get out of this one. I wouldn't mind being more productive though. I feel it coming on and hope it will just stick. Actually, I feel more normal than usual and that is a good sign. Even though it is on the lazy side.

Hoping to catch up on more things today and being more communicative.

This could be two post

It was such a grey windy morning when I woke up. I was less than thrilled about this winter thaw we are having. A couple of hours later it was so bright and sunny. I changed my mind about the hot day. The temp is (40F)or (5C) I'm getting real good at converting back and forth from Fahrenheit and Celsius. I should say more of a ball park as I have basically memorized what is what. I still don't think in metrics. My head clicks back and forth with metric and Celsius. It reminds me that I'm taking to my new country and home. I have also pretty much have shed my southern accent and slang also. I was never raised in the south but my parents where southern and for awhile lived in hillbilly hell in the states. It has took me a good 2-3 years to shed my accent and also develop an ear for other ethnic accents. I was totally lost when someone from certain countries from Europe, Asia or India spoke to me. Not any longer as it sounds very normal to me now. I watch the show swamp people and you would have to run sub-titles on that show now for me to understand them half the time.

I went to my massage though yesterday and realized though when I'm totally relaxed my new non accent and old accent comes and goes . It is weird. Sometimes, I still have to think how to articulate something in clear English or I should say without an accent. I have picked up more of an English vocabulary since living in Ontario full time. When my mother and daughter came and visited this summer, we all looked at each other at times and wondered what the other one was saying. I never realized they had an accent. They had a hard time with my non-accent and different words for different things and some cultural differences. Example, if you order tea in Ontario, you will get a cup of hot tea. In the states , you will get Iced Tea. The Ice tea is different also here. You will get a can of Ice tea. In the south or mid-west you will get some blend of probably Orange Pekoe that is cooled and made into ice tea with tons of sugar. Here that would be like drinking cold hot tea and why would anyone want to do it. Like drinking cold coffee. There is so many little subtle differences between Canada and the States. I could write a whole blog on it. Many differences even in the different provinces just like in the states from North, North West , South West, West, Mid West, and South.

This is going on my third straight year here without going back and forth to the states. I think it has helped me adjust better not going back and forth every 3 months or 6 months living here and there. It really has been a positive on the pocket book not maintaining two houses and for my ability to really find myself. I hated living here full time at first. I hated the rural area etc. I hated being away from my family. I hated to have to start over again. But to be honest , I just hated change. I have always hated change. It is very stressful to me. It is a trigger that makes my moods upside down. I should say what ever mood I'm worse. I have been more open to some change in my life .

Spring coming up is always open to change to me. Just like the season changes so does my mood. Even though we still have a couple more weeks of who knows what here. I can see the gradual change to spring. I see the gradual change in myself. The depression is lifting. The yearning to exercise is coming back. So is the yearning to be healthy and active again. It is like I'm going to get my leafs back or bloom. Even in my depressed or mixed mood down deep I wanted to get back to living a healthier lifestyle and fixing some of my nagging physical pain. I never really thought of myself having chronic pain as it wasn't as horrible as some people with chronic pain. I would just have bad day after I did something like real heavy activity or lifting. Then it increased to a couple of bad days after that kind of activity. Then after all my pain is easier to deal with if I'm in a higher mood or not depressed. Depressed , I don't deal with anything much less pain.

I have been coming along real good physically. My shoulder which was totally immobile went from horrible bitter sharp pain to nagging dull pain to more stiff. I still have a little ways to go but I really feel so much better. I'm also working slowly on other nagging areas such as back. It really has me intouch with how much I need to shed some pounds and get active again. I used to work out to make certain areas strong such as my abs for my back. I also did rowing to strenghten my shoulders. When I gained a ton of weight last year and stopped being active I started to hurt gradually more and more. I was also real skeptic about massage. I got to tell you , I'm sold now. I had a ton of scar tissue formed around difference various muscles in my shoulder and rotator cuff. It has been slowly but sort of fast 2 times a week for a month and I don't feel the pain like I did years ago injuring myself. They are able to break down the scar tissue without surgery. The best thing is doing it new scar tissue doesn't grow back. My body is a mess of years of accidents. Accidents caused by poor judgement and high impact activities. I don't want to be a old lady before my time. I have stopped that stuff for the most part. i just think things out a little better now. I hope I can stay with my new stife to get better.