Sunday, April 10, 2011

Crazy Lady

It is an overcast Sunday morning gradually warming up to what is going to be pleasurable temps today. About, 10-15C or between 50-6o degrees. I'm looking forward to the wonderful weather. Yesterday, was wonderful also weather wise. It didn't start out as such a nice day though. I guess I woke up wrong. I started out OK. I did my usual things I do in the morning and then almost about snapped and went all Psycho/Crazy lady. I didn't want to really go there. In my mind my anger and crazy was justifided. I still had a part of the rational me left. I told J to get me a haldol. I generally don't take meds except when I truly need them and think I'm going to be a train wreck. I really thought I was going to derail and cause a firey crash. My mind was so irrational with thoughts that bordered homicidal. Not that I would ever go that far but it is so uncomfortable to have such rage and anger that isn't in proportion with reality.

I took the two pills. They weren't acting fast enough. I had about 45minutes plus to kill until the meds would start to work. I thought I really had to do something to distract myself and something physical. I had laundry to load to take to town and to clear out the truck. I went outside and started to distract myself. I worked hard unloading things, and gatherering things . While , I was outside, I could hear the birds sing, the woodpecker peck and the ellusive squirell run around. I thought to myself it is hard to be a raging homicidal wreck when it is so nice outside and cheery with the wildlife. When this happened I knew i was being more logical because when I'm in that mood I wouldn't give a flip about some birds singing even though I love nature. The change in pace helped a lot also. Being distracted and inaged in other things helped so much not to fixate in the irrational. During this corse of time , I was very careful about opening my mouth to J. J doesn't deserve for me to go all crazy lady . I did need to voice my anger later on as it was still very real and legit. I waited till I was logical and focused to share my anger. Also, J knows when I say I'm in an irrational place , J doesn't mess with me or talk to me until I'm ready. The animals also seem to get that point also as they stay away from me. When I'm in that state of mind I'm very quiet and must radiate a lot of hostility. My head goes a million miles an hour etc. I think I must have a real intense look and look off my rocker. I had the knack of a look years ago.When I was teaching . One look and some misbehaved kid would think a little harder and start behaving. I know the dogs and cat behaved wonderfully all day yesterday. They have been a handful lately probaly because I have had such a crappy attitude and haven't wanted to bother with anything.

It ended up being a postive day. I did the things I finally have needed to do mentally. I realized how lazy I have been for awhile taking care of myself and allowing my mood to get worse over the months. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my mood not turning better this time of year as it always turns more postive. Well for me to have more of a postive mood, I always worked at it or it is the ugly mixed crap or negative mania. It was like boom yesterday. I had enough of the way my life has been going and this crap is going to change. It won't change over night but I'm aware of the changes I need to make. Some of it is such basic things that I tend to neglect. Taking Vitamins, eating right and exericsing. The list is actually long but those little things go along ways to a start. I need to start sharing my feelings so I don't have so much anxiety and anger going on also. I got to the point I have just had it in every way and one of those areas was in my relationship with J. I don't know if J will change. But I have to change how I react to J and the lack of what J does and doesn't do.

I'm starting down a road where I'm going to start dealing a little more with how I handle things. I haven't been implusive in a longtime but instead realized I internalized a lot causing me to be more of a mixed wreck. I tired of keeping it all organized in my brain. It turned into a huge mess emotionally for myself where I was feeling dead and numb. Here is a start to a new day. Putting the knowledge I have to work.

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