SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.

I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.

SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder)

I thought I would blog while I was doing my light lamp for SAD. The lamp I have is called lamp book elite. The doctor recommended it . I have feel in love with it as it is portable and small. I could even travel with it if I wanted to. I have been using it for about a month and have seen results. The results where slow at first but build over a period of time. Sometimes, I have had to use it two times a day to get optimal results. This time of year in Ontario is dismil and the days are real short. The lack of light causes my mood to spiral into a dark place . It causes me to hardly do anything and that also means take care of myself. Much less any house work.
With the lamp and taking vitamins , I'm gradually becoming myself again and tackling the real messes in this house . Feeling better also means I'm eating healthier meals and taking care of my self. Which is all hard to do when your extremely depressed. I even find myself running with the puppy lately. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I'm when I'm depressed . I'm generally a active , fun person. It is something when your personality is coloured so badly with a mood. I'm just happy that I'm digging myself out of my hole. I will try to expound on getting better because this is just the start of my recovery from depression and SAD.

Season Change...Mood Change

I can feel autumn in the air. The pretty colours of the trees are bright. Yellows, reds, gold and burgundy light up the landscape. It has been nice and sunny lately. Every wonderful fall something happens that isn't so wonderful. My mood changes and not for the better. My mood picks up to only drop into a nasty vicious mixed mood. I'm not mixed at the moment but I know it will come by November and stay until about Januarary. My moods are highly predicatable but not the severity.

I try to busy myself waiting for the other shoe to drop off . I know I will be paralyzed with depression and mania. I plan for this mood and try to take the burden off some of the things I have to do. It isn't working like I want it to at the moment as I'm so scattered. I try to get things done anyway. I prepare for the winter and also as I prepare for the winter I prepare for things to come such as becoming a hermit for months and not wanting to get out. I'm hoping to possible get my SAD light next week. If it doesn't come through I will buy one as I don't want to suffer the light changes that make my moods worse. I have already started on my vitamin D and a complex B vitamin to give me some natural energy as my energy is a flip of a coin on any given day. I really need to start my exercise back up also. I have been trying to be real structured as it is real important bracing for the blackness that I experiance. All, the little things count . I tell myself that anyway. Just like seasons come and go . I know my moods come and go also.

SAD

I have been missing for awhile. I have been in a depressive mood. The weather hasn't been helping. It has been raining off and on for over a week. It has been so grey and black out. No sunshine at all. It is almost fall and with fall comes SAD (seasonal affective disorder) I'm just dreading it. The good thing is the doctor said she would loan a sad device to see if it will work. I will also have to step up on exercise and nutrition. I tend to sleep a lot when it gets all bleak outside and I will have to start setting my alarm clock not to sleep 12 hours a day. I haven't been active at all in the past 2-3 weeks and it has took a toll on my self-esteem. I feel a little bit more like conquering today. I told myself I have to start some where.

Food&Mood

It has been five days since I have started my lifestyle change with diet and exercise. I have had every range of emotion from foggy , hating it, loving it ,pleased , exhausted, and energetic. It wasn't till yesterday that my body adjusted to eating modest servings and to the good nutrients. J noticed that I wasn't bloated anymore and that I have lost water weight. My body just feels better without the bloat. I couldn't believe how bloated I was before and I thought I ate half decent. I cut out most preservatives in food and rarely ate out. I thought I wasn't doing so poorly before until these last five days of eating way more vegetables and fruit.
My mood is even improving but I'm still a little indifferent to life. I have felt some periods of happiness , even if it was fleeting. I'm going to add Vitamin D to my mix of vitamins also. The multi-vitamin, I take is not the daily recommended allowance of 1,000 ICU. I was reading that Vitamin D might help with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) This time of year where I live you just cant get vitamin d from the sun. You can sun bathe all you want but because the UV is never at full tilt in the winter it is impossible to achieve getting vitamin d. I guess I can get it from fortified milk and grains but I don't like milk at all and rarely eat cereal. Fish is also very expensive to eat. I also worry about how polluted fish are anymore. I was trying to take cod liver oil capsules but it really made my stomach sick and made very smelly gas. I think I will just go with just a vitamin and some fortified grains.
I also didn't celebrate or watch the Superbowl like I usually do. The thing is I don't even like football so it wasn't that much of a loss. The party atmosphere that I usually make was missed though. I did have some of the food already bought for it like baby back ribs. I did end up making a rack of ribs but only eating three ribs. I also made scallop potatoes and greens. I ate a meager serving of scallop potatoes and made the greens very healthy without any pork product to season it and just some seasoning like a Mrs Dash product. It was amazing to make collard greens that weren't fating. Collard Greens are very good for you if you don't cook them in ham hocks or meat drippings. I ate more of those than anything else. I'm actually delighted with vegetables now because I can eat more of a serving than just very strict portion controls of certain things. I think my meal was about 350- 400 calories. It also helps serving your meal on a smaller plate as it helps trick your mind you are eating a lot more than you are. It really helped my mind. The thing about cutting down on portions is that you save so much money when you watch what you eat. Plus it has saved me time as I have dinner tonight also where as I would not have left overs. All I have to do is make another fresh vegetable tonight. I also notice since I eat three meals a day my blood sugar isn't always spiking or bottoming out. I'm less hungry because my blood sugar levels aren't high or low. I don't need to hurry up and eat something or put anything in my mouth to not feel starved. Eating sporadically would play hell with my moods also leaving me anxious , nervous, tired and moody. I know in theory that eating properly is good for my mental health and health but when you do eat properly and get what you need it really hits home how important it is to make healthier choices.