Friday, December 5, 2014

Very long update....

I don't even know where to start since the last time I blogged. So much has gone on in my life since August....

To start off I have been manic for months. It started when I reduced my meds coupled with some extreme stress. I went into a full blown mania. It was really reminisce of a mania I had in my late 20's. This one didn't end so badly as the one in my 20's that latest for years. Even my shady brain barely listening to me started to get nervous.  When I'm in a full blown mania , the more chaos the better. I did manage to really stress myself out so much that I just couldn't keep up with all my mayhem while being physically sick. I did make a good go of it though. My body isn't young anymore and the manias are more hellish on me physically now.  I do admit I was in a terrible physical state when I became manic. I had no stamina , no energy, etc. That was one of the reasons I reduced my anti-psychotics. It did make me so sluggish physically and was messing with my heart.

Well, what have I been up to some might ask. Well, everything that comes with mania, with me. One of the big ones that I totally mess up my life with is something a lot of bipolars avoid talking about and that is hyper sexuality.     I started to look at a dating sight in the beginning of September, Messed around with it. Never in a thousand years did I think anyone would find that I was desirable. Well, I was stupid ,naive and in some sort of denial. Many people thought I was attractive.  I didn't want to have an affair in the small area that I live either. Been there done that and it never ends up well when you shit where you eat. When this person started to flirt and inbox me from a place 500 miles away was oh this might work. I always want to see the city she lived by and she also was also French Canadian. I thought that might be interesting . Her dating profile was something I would never consider as we where polar opposites . I thought it would be fun and most of all exciting. She really stroked my ego for a couple of weeks and most of all provided tons of cyber sex before I actually met in person. I ended up not being to pleased when I met her . I discovered she wasn't out of the closet and I ended up questioning whether she was even a lesbian. The personality differences also clashed. I can look over look most things with a booty call but she was so very rude and a princess. My time with her was a rollercoaster ride that made me feel like shit in the  end.  When I was going back to the bus station , I knew I never was probably going to see her again. She wanted also a relationship and I didn't. I just wanted a mistress . I was upfront from the very beginning .

Let me take a step back as this is very important to this story. The beginning of September I was ill so I started going to my nurse practitioner.  She wanted to say I was just very stressed from the very few things I told her about my life  .  Mostly, about taking care of J. She never spoke to me before and just wanted to give me something for my anxiety and send me to therapy. I declined the benzos and thought about therapy but didn't want to get caught up in the very terrible system for the mentally ill around here. Even the mentally ill isn't in that particular system. I had some other big reasons not to get involved also.  I told her I knew what was anxiety and what was physical . I told her I would be more satified if she would actually run test on everything . She treated me like I was neurotic and nothing a nice walk wouldn't cure. I had her order blood work, ecg, mammogram, pap, and probaly some stuff I forgot about. I knew I was sick contrary to her telling me to take a walk. My blood pressure was so off the charts again. I started to have a period for two weeks out of the month. I had discharge coming out of one of my breast. I had to use a chair to do dishes. I was so physically drained all the  time. I lost about 40 lbs by that point with just having no appetite  and being nauseous all the time.  Most days , I would vomit at least once a day. More when I was coming off the pysch pills. Well the first thing that showed up was some abnormal reading I cant remember from my ecg. Then at the same time my mammogram and ultrasound came up they seen something. My busted down body became overwhelming . I decided that with my healthcare I wanted to work at one issue at a time. I had another repeat of my mammogram and ultsound and it came up with the same results of two tumors, lesion and calcification ,  It didn't look well to them so they scheduled a biopsy .

During this I was having an affair. It helped so much not to think about all the stuff that was going on with me. I used it to numb myself from any of the reality I was facing. It made my life worth facing. It made my life worth living. \My home life really was at a all time low with J. We fought all the time. I was also very pissed and resentful that J wasn't even trying to full fill any of my needs. I have been on my own with my emotional and physical needs for about 2 years. One of those years I have empathy and sympathy for J but not that other year. I was also sick of my non life with J. My life at that point was waiting on J all the time and taking care of all of Js needs. Lots and lots of tv. I became so fed up with not living and being shrouded in all the negativity of this house. Especially, J having a pity party every day. I couldn't take it. It felt that I was slowly dying with J also.

J was so very upset at me with the affair. I didn't really give a shit at the time. I was an asshole in the fact I knew J couldn't do a damn thing to me or even divorce me. J needs me to take care of her. To be honest I would of left on my own awhile ago even before the affair if J wasn't sick and dying. During all the fighting and all the jealousy , mud flinging etc. We  finally came to a truce and actually get along a lot better now.

Geez, this is so out of order and probably need to fix it but I will just get this jumbled mess out. I forgot to add the one night stand I had coming home from my affair.  I had a stop in Toronto. I couldnt find a connecting bus in hours for the place I live in. So, my phone was about dead . I seen a bar across the street. I went to have a drink and to charge my phone and text J about my dilemma . I just wanted to get a hotel downtown. J wanted me to go to her brothers house. I was to get out of the bar and go to her brothers. I didn't want to . I thought if I drank enough it wouldn't bother me to go to B's . Well by the time I started having tequilla shots with the rest of the bar and partying , I hooked up with someone. It was real surreal to me even as intoxicated as I was. Mostly, because it was a man. I'm not very picky about what sex someone is when I'm hyper sexual.  I'm also very into very kinky sex which can be over the top.  It is easier to find some sex starved fool at a bar. I can always find someone to play with and do what I want in that setting.  My cynical side always said bars where cheaper than a high class hooker. I never understood people who would look for a relationship in a bar setting. Sex yes . Relationship , No.  I regress.

I came back home after 4 days from my adventure across the province . I was very tired , very sore, very emotional. I was so active in those 4 days. I used muscles that haven't seen the light in awhile. Tried to party like I was in my 20's.  Womanizing takes it's toll also. Sex can be a pretty powerful addiction that I seem to escape into when I'm manic. Especially , when your very obsessed with it. In my mind , a little voice said don't go there! Don't open up that can of worms. My mind would be nagging in the back ground.  Then the big part took over. It said what do you have to loose. Have fun while your able to. What is the worse that can happen? Take a gamble. Live life. Because i wasn't living life at all up till my affair. I wasn't even hardly getting out of the house. Life became something I hated waking up to everyday. J was so depended on me and super whiny, clingy. Not the person I have ever knew. I detached myself totally emotionally from J. Started with simple things that I also wouldn't do for J . Started , to make J start gradually taking care of herself even if it was a struggle. Started for the first time since J was sick to make boundaries. I started to take care of what I needed. I needed a break. J had became so consuming . I had none of me left . I  only have myself to blame about that. No one knows how to take care of someone that is extremely limited until they have to.  Until, my snap, I wasn't dealing with with J's at all except to cater to J's needs and  demands . Some even real diva like. I was just so full of grief. Grief also what our relationship became and my life became.
Ok... Back on track. Two days later after I come home, I had a multiple biophys  on different spots on my right breast. I waited almost 3 weeks until I got the results. I was dx with breast cancer. My tumors where benign but other areas indicated early breast cancer. I'm also to have another biopsy on another area now. So, after about another 2 weeks after the results, I talk to the surgeon again and he wants to remove all my fibrocystic disease and well as investigate another area of my breast. The fibrocystic disease happens to be a lot of breast tissue.  I still need to  hear back about the exact date of my surgery. It will be sometime this month up until the 6th of next month.  I'm more annoyed at the prospect than scared. I find having cancer a total inconvenience. I worry about taking care of J. So after my affair , I started to de stress my life.  I couldn't concentrate on that anymore. I needed to free my time up to taking care of business.

I really started to make headway with starting to organize everything in my life. Started to deal with the blow back of my life in ruins. I'm still working on it. I'm scrambling for time. I started to do everything I put on hold even though I was sick. I have been running on pure adrenaline for months. My body just hasn't liked activity at all. I have worked my chronically painful body . I was in such pain with my shoulders, I figured out that I needed to rehab them on my own. To start building up every area of my back,and shoulders. It started out as simple stretching every day several times a day.  It was very painful. Then I added weights after my body got used to being stretched every way appropriate. I discovered a 5lb weight when stretching acted as traction for my shoulders. It began to feel good and not painful.  With my body not being in so much pain , I started to really start getting our house together.  One of my friends challenged me to get J's studio in order. Which over the years became a junk room and not an area where J did art. Well when I started to tackle that and realize I needed to do the whole house along with it. I realized that everything ended up in the studio because I just didn't know what to do with all the junk. The studio would just end up a junk heap in a week if I didn't address the whole house. Well it has been a real challenge and I'm still working on it. Working on it also I have started to make everything handicap friendly. Everything more accessible for myself and J. I have to make everything as simple as possible for me and J. I won't be able to lift for awhile after my surgery. Loads of physical work around here.

I also started to cross country ski. I wanted to start skiing after a few years of doing nothing and to get serious about it. I joined the ski club  and managed to get proper technique lessons.  It has pushed my out of shape body to the limits.  Now all of our snow is gone so I have been waiting for another base again.

Most of all , all this shit has started to pay off with my relationship with J. J doesn't take me for granted as much. I don't take J for granted as much. We have started to become friends again. We have started to use manners again with each other. I have became much more thoughtful with J. I have became less angry. Less bitter about life in general. I even started to believe in myself again. I have seen sides of myself that I haven't seen in years. Good and bad. I started to have confidence in myself . I learned to totally rely on myself for my needs and that I was very capable. It takes me awhile to refigure things out after being kicked in the teeth from life but I do learn. I have been grieving life for about 3-4 years with so many unfair things that have happened. I was so consumed by my anger , I just totally stopped living it.  My mania jarred me out of such complacency. It has been a real mess to clean up on so many levels of financially, emotionally   etc. It has took me more to even admit how messed up I have been. I have tried to hide from many people. Only let about two people into my very messy life.

This has became a mini novel so if you made it to this point I'm so surprised. I'm even confused by my sequence of writing. If you understand my train of thought , I suggest a very good psychiatrist and a hell of a lot of therapy. My brain still isn't right but I'm working on it. It still is so jumbled . But for right now this is enough.