Sunday, October 30, 2011

Good Stress VS Bad Stress

It is early morning.(4ish) I have been up since about 1am. I went to bed very early yesterday about 6. it was so perfect going to bed so early. I have been extremely tired and stressed out this past week. I pretty much said I had enough stress yesterday and said I would give myself two very lazy anything goes days . No structure , no schedule, no nothing except what I want to do. It is perfect. I have had so much anxiety and nervous energy it was making me very scattered. The stress started to make me have a ton of nausea.

Some of the stress has been good stress but none the less stress. Had the contractor come out for the estimate for the remodel of the bathroom and kitchen. Will hear back with a detailed estimate, time frame , plan of action, etc. A ton of work there. It makes me nervous about the prospect about the cost. Thousands of dollars and I want it right and I have to pick out what I want. I tend to second guess my self. I want it perfect as I will probably live with the results for the rest of my life. Then part of me really doesn't give a crap as long as it is fixed and clean looking. It doesn't have to be fancy but functioning. It is so not functioning at the moment because everything is busted and falling apart in bad shape. So anything is better attitude. I really don't want trendy either. As, I have trendy early 70's which is hideous in the kitchen. Oh it is an eyesore. Plain you can always work with and doesn't go out of style. I like many things with a classic look and will probably try to build on that.

Been working on the decluttering. J has actually removed a whole wardrobe of clothes to give me closet space. The shaming did work even though I feel awful about it. But like one friend who knows about the situation said J deserved it and a long time coming. The whole fixing everything in the house has sparked a fire under J and it really is wonderful. The negative in me wonders how long it will last though. The whole clearing and cleaning is a ton of hard work and stressful to be honest. I still have a ton to do. Even embarrassed my self letting the cable guy and the contractor in with two big piles I was working on in the living room. It seems to organize and clear you can make a bigger mess. I'm hopeful that things will have a place.

Made the decision also to buy home gym equipment. Made me gag how much sturdy commerical grade gym equipment cost. Bought a treadmill and a spin bike. Now to clear room for it. Major purchases give me the sweats . I look at it as saving money as the gym membership here is 65 bucks a month. The gym has worn out equipment and is very over priced. I'm also more likely to work out in the morning before a gym is even open. I can work out in my pjs. Also, not likely to walk or run in the winter here as it is real damn cold and has very snowy periods and snow squalls from the lake effect. Not my cup of tea. I will more get outside when winter settles and make an effort this year to do more winter sports I love.

I also went to the eye doctor this week. Looking at my eyes and having a scan of my eye revealed a blood clot in the blood vessel in my eye. I don't know what to make of it. He was real vague. Kept asking if I was diabetic. Not that I know of. I have been stuck and jabbed most of the year. I think I would know if I was. Who knows but with that he is contacting my doctor to do more test and treatment and will learn more this coming month. Oh and wants an ultra sound of my neck to see if i have any obstruction to prevent blood flow to my left eye. I really don't know how I feel about this. Still, many unanswered things with this new news. I don't like it I can tell you that.

Sometimes, it feels like one thing after another. I can handle it though. I was just getting used not to have to be a professional patient and all the various test etc. It was a relief when I had many test over this year to restart it again. Oh well. I do have some nice glasses again and see a lot better. I have put a ton of effort and money into taking care of myself this year. Something , I promised myself around New Years. I feel much better doing it also. It hasn't been perfect as I have had times where I haven't this year but over all it is coming a long. Even had a tune-up massage and boy I can feel the difference when I do that. The money thing of taking care of myself bothers me a little though. It is expensive to really take care of yourself. I keep telling myself I'm worth it though.

Enough rambling , babbling and time to close. I can feel another lazy day today. I love those days. Enough time to distress to start another week.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Sunday Stealing

I stole this here and here : The rules to use it are at this link.

41. What is a quote that you love? Really I love many quotes and have many books on quotes. I'm indecisive at the moment on quotes.

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? I think it is part of most humans and innate

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? This last week I have wanted to scream a lot.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? I see the world as grey

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive?Yes, don't take them out to eat and annoy me with your conversation. Why the hell do some people shout on their phones? Don't take your phone also to a place where their should be silence and interrupt everyone.

46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? In bed

47. What is something that you never want to do again? So many mistakes that I never want to repeat again.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? Back in the early 90's on the Internet. Many many people with the same problems and interest all over the world.

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? Haven't in years it drives me nuts

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? I used to . Not anymore, most peoples political beliefs aren't up for discussion. People live in a political fiery landscape. I might not agree with peoples leanings but I can respect them. Each to their own.

51. Do you care about the environment?Yes I really do even though sometimes I'm not environmentally friendly. I feel guilty then when I can do better but don't out of convince.

52. What’s your motto for life? Be respectful of people and how they live. It isn't up to me to be judgemental. We all have choices.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? No

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? I don't know

55. Would you like to rule a country?Hell No. I have a hard time ruling my own home.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? No but we can learn from things.

57. Is war ever for the best? Not in my opinion. Most war is over religion and resources

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? Yes

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don't believe global warming is really our fault? I think Rick Perry is a pandering political idiot. You can only pollute so much . I think it has been happening since the dawn of people polluting though. Thinking man is superior over the environment.

60. Does love conquer all? No

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? I don't want to make other peoples choices.

62. Is world peace impossible? Yes

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing?Good and Bad

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? Still trying to figure it out. Maybe I serve as a bad example of what not to do.

5. Do you believe in karma? No, Many bad people never get what they put out.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Very Irritated-Venting

I'm not very irritated or even angry at the moment but was yesterday. I guess I will have to say what is irritating me. It is J. I should back up and tell you the story. Yesterday, I had to clean the camper out to store for the winter. I have been keeping the majority of my clothes in the camper because I have no room in this house full of J's junk. If you would ask J it wouldn't be junk. I have tried to get J to make room for me over the years but to not much avail. It has been one excuse after another. Everything is precious to J and has a memory associtated with it. I can understand that but what I don't understand is allowing your junk to own you and make you miserable and not making way for a new chapter of your life. I have been coming to our house which was J's at one time for going almost on 10 years. Lived here going on 4 years. It is time to make room for me.
Yesterday, I snapped and posted and tagged J on my personal facebook with the problem of not getting rid of the stuff and making room for me. I guess I was trying to shame J into action. J doesn't care what I think. But J certainly does care what other people think. I have been hearing an ear full since I have done that. But guess what. J cleared out a ton in a wardrobe that I can fit some of my clothes in. Also, J is an artist and I took J's studio and put all my shit in there. You can't even walk in it now until I get room to put my stuff:) I tried the nice way for years to get J to do something with all this disaster in this house to the point I just for the most part accepted that I wasn't ever going to have the house the way I wanted or have any room for my stuff. I can't really stand clutter. I really can't stand a messy house. Our house is messy because of all the stuff in this house. You can't put things away if you are buried in stuff. It makes it harder to clean with a house full of junk. I have managed over the years to get the paper clutter and old magazines out of the house. Broken stuff out of the house etc. Duplicates of many things, manic purchases but not down to the core. It doesn't look like a hoarders house but is still to full of clutter for my taste. I'm not even talking about 5 thousand books that J owns. I will accept that as they are all in a bookcase stored properly but never vacuumed. J has read all those books also. I pick and choice my battles and the books aren't a part of my battle at the moment. When i lived in the states I got rid of all books and found homes for them after I read them except reference books.
In the states, I didn't have clutter. That doesn't mean I never had clutter but I got rid of it and would do a purge every 3 -6 months of stuff that wasn't needed. People really don't need many things and it is also more economical not to stuff your home with junk and trinkets etc. It is easier to clean. Plus in today's world you can almost store everything electronically pictures, music, books, paper work, keepsakes etc.
Being bipolar for me I have to keep the chaos at a minimal. I can't have my home full of chaos and have it hard to clean. This house has about drove me insane for several years. I'm not going back and forth any more. I used to only be able to take 3 months at a time here before I would want to go back to the states to my home. I really miss an ordially environment. Where everything had a place and I don't have to look half a day for something. Or it take me a day to dust. I have bad allergies and this mess doesn't help it. It would also be cheaper because living here I take sinus meds every day.
I'm ready for a battle this fall to get rid of some of this crap. Every time I really go to battle with J I do get some of the crap out of the house. I just cant stand battling for my space it is horrible to get J started. I end up not being to battle that much either before J wears me down with mood and attitude. It is like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. But a 2 year old doesn't get psychotic. Also, I found you can put your foot down more with a 2 year old and reason with them.
It changes in little bits I tell myself. J isn't even happy with how the house is and is depressed most of the time because J's stuff has took over . It looks like a bachelor pad in this house. Has looked like this for 30 years at this house. It is amazing though what a little public shaming will do to get someone off there ass. A couple years ago I took pictures of the junk and junk piles and sent them to my mother. My parents who are total neat freaks had about a stroke. Well, I told J I sent those pictures and if I was to send a after pics I would need some of the clutter gone. That worked with all the old magazines stacked every where. The thing is our home is small and if we had a bigger home it wouldn't be so bad. We have very limited space and you can't collect everything. I even bought a VCR / DVD copier so I could get rid of all the vcr movies also. Well, I still cant get rid of the vcr movies because J likes the boxes they are in. I managed a lot of them in a storage tub under the table. I still would love to get t he major rack out of here.
I'm just rambling. I mainly feel hostage to the clutter in this house. I still have a storage container with my stuff in it. Will, I ever see my stuff. Probably not. I got rid of the majority of my stuff when I moved but still have a storage container full. Will I probably get rid of most of it. I probably will. I'm just not all that attached to things. I only like things that enhance my life.Things don't matter as much to me after a house fire and not being able to have my things for years living here.
I will get off here and probably have to deal with attitude all day today and passive aggressive behaviour for the next couple of days. It is funny when you push change people fight back and they know your buttons to stop it. I really don't have much to loose pushing for change as my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I care and don't care. I'm tired of this shit. It is really getting to the point I just have really have had it and the clutter in the relationship is just actually a margin of the problem.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


I have been very busy for the past two weeks. We made the trip to see the elderly in-laws and that was like usual a hot mess. I just want to ring my hands and pretty much have gave up any hope they will go to a home on their own or except any help. I have a suspicion they have cancelled all the help we arraigned for them in June. I do know one thing they bring out the worst in me and most of the time I bury it deep inside me when I'm there. People with senile dementia aren't the most pleasant people to be around and add that to their already deplorable personality and it isn't a pretty mix. I pretty much don't say a world and let them talk and talk about the same ole shit over and over again.
One might ask why I do this. I do this for J and that's it. Poor J is still effected by this visit. It will take J probably a week or more not to be so depressed and feel so powerless. J can't do a damn thing because J doesn't have power of attorney. J's brother does and isn't doing a thing. Even though it would be easy since J's father neglects J's mother. J's mother hasn't had a bath in a bathtub in a year. J's mother is also a fall risk. H J's mother about fell when we where there and both me and J had to help her not fall and put her in the car. J's father can barely walk and only with a walker. It is very sad indeed. He hardly can take care of himself much less someone that has been dx. with Alzheimer's. His screws are getting a little lose also. You can see he displays less cognitive reasoning and logic and is getting senile dementia.

The whole thing is a huge dysfunctional mess. I'm learning how to detach . Anyway, life is getting back to normal. Many things still have to be done before winter. I'm dealing with my mood as it gets messed up around this time. SAD lamp everyday now since it has been dark and gloomy and raining. It does work well. I just have to be careful not to get manic.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tossed Salad

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I have been thinking about blogging for at least the last 2 1/2 hours. I have had many . distractions. My morning has been very disorganized. I didn't even want to get up early this morning but the dog decided he wanted to eat and whined , winged , cryed until he got my attention. I was very irritated with him as it wasn't time. Once woke I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Half asleep and irritated I put on coffee and was topping off my nictone levels. I started to do my check facebook and blogger rountine I have every morning. I found a blog I read and it was refreshing to see something postive in the blogshephere of someone doing good. It made me want to start my morning and not be grouchy. It is something how postivey can be contagious.

One other example happened last week when J and I vistied a friend of J's that more than likely has terminal cancer. J's friend I will call S. S is so postive about her illness. S has been fighting recurrent and different cancers of the colon, liver and now lung for probaly the last 5 years . S has never been a smoker, drinker and has always took care of herself. Pretty much has lived a real healthy life. S is now recieving very intensive chemo at the moment. When we visited S had a little break from chemo because her blood count was low and has to take breaks from chemo. We arrive and was greeted. Served coffee and had a very nice visit with cake and everything. This is from a woman that doesn't even let cancer get her down but I can hardle make myself cook when I'm depressed or sick. When talking with S she will tell you she has a choice of how to handle her cancer and her life. She can be postive or negative. Telling you negative is so self defeating. She isn't Mary Poppins either with telling you she has bad days but accepts them and doesn't let them get her down. If she has to be in bed all day she trys to enjoy tv or the warmth and comfort of the bed. She doesn't beat herself up about what she isn't doing. S is a very social person and doesn't isolate either. It is a shame people that used to drop by don't drop by as often and I have seen when you get a dx. of anything people just don't know what to say to you and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

With S being so open as a person. It is very easy to be around S. S is an open book with her friends and you can't say the wrong thing. I found myself being not as guarded around S as I'm with most people. I was very comfortable and open myself and recieptive. Being around a postive person made me feel from so so to great. It made me forget many of my bitches of the day. It also made me think about how bad I isolate I think I can count on one or two hands how many people I have spoke to in the past year and a half. Most of those people would be service related people(hair dresser or massage) Had two people over to the house in the past year and haven't been to anyones house except in-laws and that is every 3-4 months. As, you see I isolate. This experiance makes me want to try harder with being more social. Also, not to use the excuse I stay in-touch with people via the computer or phone. Real face to face contact is what is needed with people. Having nice laughs and sharing coffee or tea. Engaging is activities with people. It also made me aware I used to not be socially awkard and isolating has made me socially awkard. It has made me want to take chances with people even if they bail on me.

Example: With this experiance I put myself out there. I got an e-mail saying an acquaitance wanted to run. I said sure and made a time etc. Even though I really didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn and run. I prepared the night before and got everything ready. I wake up early and check my e-mail. The person bailed on me saying she couldnt get to sleep in time so bailed. In reality looking at facebook this person flaked on me and had something else better to do. People be smart enough if you say something in e-mail don't be posting on facebook in the early morning and contradicting yourself. It really makes you look like an ass. This person I had a feeling was a flake and it just comfirmed it. Will I still ever go running with this person. Sure but I will never really trust this person and take everything as iffy. It turned out that morning it was storming like hell anyway. I would of just ran by myself as it was a good way to get me started again with running. My running has been so on and off this year. I really need a good boot in the ass to start again and I thought this would of been a great opputunity.

I have been so busy with living lately I haven't had time for running or much of anything else. That is another entry though.

Blogger isn't working correctly and I can't spell check or edit.