Another Mixed Day

Grr. I can't get this to edit or spell check. I guess I will edit it and spell check it later.

I really didn't want to blog but it has been awhile. The reason why I didn't want to blog is I feel like I sound like a broken record and I much don't have anything much to say. I'm trudging along in my mixed mood. It isn't all bad as I don't have that paralyzed feeling I often get being mixed where I don't do anything except watch TV and play on the computer. I don't have much drive though and when I make myself do something I often have hyper focus. Or I'm just totally scattered not knowing what direction I should take during the day. My routine is so off at the moment. I do try though if I can remember what to do. I used to have everything wrote down for occasions like this how I do each task and didn't have to think about how to get through a task. When I get back out of this mood I shall write down my lack of routine or routine on how I do things around the house and what I need to do. Things, I need to keep up etc. Many things get forgot during this period of time. Many things lack attention to detail also. I guess it is my lack of concentration. I'm generally not like this.

I'm still waiting on word about how much it is going to cost us to remodel. The guy said he would get back to us next week well it is next week and a little past. It has been about 8-9 days if I remember right. It pisses me off as I have to plan everything to the money. Money and lack of money for this is a big stressor for me at the moment.

Another stressor is my dog is failing and I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't know when as when I was thinking and writing an e-mail to a friend I thought maybe this week by describing his condition. Well, Mr. Brett, surprised me yesterday and had a very good day and managed to wake us only twice . Once in the middle of the night and morning when I generally wake up. Damn, this dog isn't going to make it easy. Most days though he has been not himself and his bad days are starting to really catch up with him. I will play it by ear. I do think he can't possible make it till next month and it would be something if he could make it without suffering. That is wishful thinking though and I will deal with this and not fall apart. I have had this dear dog for almost 12 years. He has been to hell and back with me. Thick and thin. He is also my dear friend and has travelled with me over the years. He has travelled more than most people have. Basically, he is my loyal companion that never has judge me in the almost 12 years I have had him during my illness. That says a lot as many people have left my life in this time period because they didn't want to be around me anymore. Some have left because they are deceased. His life span has brought much change in my life and not all for the better. Most of all I will miss my running buddy. As, a Brittany he really loved to run and would work me out and as a younger dog run me or drag me and give me the exercise I needed twice a day at one time.
He will be missed and I have wonderful and not so wonderful memories of him. He was not the best behaved dog and a hand-full most of his life. He makes me shake my head. He has grown to be a fine dog though.

I don't know what I will do today. Probably some cleaning around the house. I never lack anything to do around the house. I also have a new spin bike that I need to make room for. I need to get J to put that thing together. I need to stay busy and get what I can get done. I'm always afraid the other shoe will drop and I will be in a dark deep funk. I always try to prepare for my funks but most of the time fail to prepare the best. I just can't allow myself to go there again. I will do anything not to get to that point.

The Smell Of Plastic

I thought I would blog today even though it feels if my brain feels like a marshmellow this morning. I have been going through my morning rountine of coffee, breakfeast etc. I have felt like I have been going through slow motion this morning even though I have got some things done. I have made my shopping list today as there is no way I could remember what to get at the store without one today. Usually, I just make mental list. I even wrote my pen-pal today. It seems like I like to write him on fridays.

I have had to start back on the haldol not long ago. I really hate taking meds and rarely do except when I'm loosing it. I generally do fine without meds. I feel dead on haldol. It isn't such a bad thing when you suffer from psychois from time to time though. I suffer from ol factory halluniations at times. I basically smell things that aren't their. The other day I smelt plastic burning when their was no plastic burning. It through me for a loop as I checked and checked and I just told myself I was insane and took a couple of pills and layed down. I have been fine since. Looking back I could see I was about to come unhinged. I could see every little noise bothered me really bad. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was chewing something. Not good manners but she was trying to hurry and talk at the same time. It drove me nuts to hear chewing where I usually can ignore it. The other daya I was at a massage and the therapist was chewing gum the whole time and it drove me nuts. I don't really get bothered if I'm not off. Off, is polite for insane. My patient level is not very high either. I was cooking a simple meal of ziti and sauce and about had a melt down. I did though finish it and went to bed. I have been keeping my mouth shut best to my ability with a lot of people in my life. I really don't want to say things that are hurtful that I can't take back.

I feel better today. My head sort of feels empty and foggy but I'm fine. I just wish it would stop raining and snowing. The weather is crazy. I really could use some sun and some motivation that I get from seating outside in the sun. I really don't care how cold it is but I do care if the sun is shining to be able to soak it up. I need the sun for my soul. I have an appoinment to go today. I also hope to get a little shopping done.