Sunday, December 27, 2009

Excess of The Hoilday Season

Christmas morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a swollen gland. I was a little took back as I wanted to enjoy the food. Being sick threw a wretch into my feasting. I ended up doing some more cooking but didn't eat much of it. I still have the fridge stuffed with food.
I really didn't think much of my gluttony till my father called on Boxing day to wish me a happy holiday and to see what I have been up to. When I told him about all the food he promptly reminded me of being a diabetic and the results of diabetes. He should know as he has had two heart-attacks related to being a diabetic. Also, his mother died of kidney failure as a result of not managing her diabetes over a life time. So, I was reminded food does kill you and not exercising does too. I didn't want to be reminded of excess and just wanted to eat and not in moderation either.
I open the fridge now and don't get so much delite now after speaking with him. I remind myself of moderation. I will be not eating the candy either as I don't want to spike my blood sugar and have tingling in my arms and feet , which I have totallied ignored this month.
As soon as I feel a little better, I will get back into managing my weigh and diet. I just feel better mentally and physically, when I watch what I eat and exercise. Diet is so important whether or not you have mental illness or physical illness. I don't want to suffer mood crashes or physical symptoms of excess. Back to being healthier. It is always a battle for me not to go over board with anything, in my life.

Friday, December 25, 2009


It is official Christmas day. It is much like any other day for me except that I cook more. I'm still not in the hoop la of the Holiday season. Neither did I put my shopping off till the last minute. I did put my grocery shopping off until the last minute but that is just me and had nothing to do with Christmas. It amazes me , when I see people still shopping for presents at the last minute. I find this time of year most stores are picked over. I can't imagine finding the perfect gift but more of an last minute gift of that will do. On the news , they showed mostly men doing last minute shopping. I guess men fit the stereo-type of not liking to shop and being disorganized. I have known a lot of men that like to shop and that are very organized.
I wondered if the real reason for last minute shopping is because people live from pay cheque to pay cheque. I also wondered if the grocery stores are busier because everything is closed until after Boxing Day . If you run out your just screwed and with that mentality people end up stocking up more. I don't know, I can only speak about myself. I made sure I was extra stocked up for the long holiday and possible bad weather. I know it got real bad over the holiday season last year and my partner has lived in this area for almost 36 years said that the weather gets real bad over the holiday season. The weather hasn't changed much yet and has been so sunny but cold. I love all the sun and the brightness against the snow. I still want more snow to cover up the ugliness of the plowing and slush that cars and people make. It looks like a winter wonderland out where I live, compared to what it looks like in town.
I have been preparing for the long holiday closures and being home bound. I started cooking yesterday. I made some pasta salad , potato salad, and ham. I sliced the ham up for sandwiches. The pasta salad looks very pretty with all the different colours of peppers and different veggies. I made a red potato salad which I found a homemade pickle relish to put in it. Very tasty and a balance between sweet and bitter. I'm making deviled eggs this morning. I don't like turkey very much so I'm cooking my partner a thigh as she likes dark meat. I'm going to make a roast today instead with the traditonal meal fair of Xmas. I also have all the condiments like pickles and peppers to go with it. Cheese platter of bleu cheese, cambert, and sharp. A very nice salami and pepperoni as I cant find summer sausage here . I also have buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, spring- rolls , potsickers. I bought some smoked prosciutto to wrap around some asparagus to grill in the kitchen. I have enough food to feed probably 6-8 people and I'm just feeding two. We will be pigging out until the new year. Then , I'm going to watch what I eat for awhile and get back to the gym after being sedentary and watching movies. I plan on playing the Wii over this period also. It is perfect exercise without leaving the house and putting on a million clothes and heavy snow boots.
The only thing the holiday season has accomplished is putting me in a homey nesting mood with cooking and cleaning. I needed a big kick in the butt to get me back on track again. It also helped getting a very whimsical apron for Christmas. I love it. It has a tex-mex theme on it with peppers, Tabasco sauce, tacos and tequila on it. I love aprons and collect them. I like wearing them because I'm such a slob in the kitchen and end up wearing what I'm cooking if I don't wear one. I also got a itunes card. I was in heaven with it as I can blow through it in about 5-10 minutes. I actually got my fill with a hundred dollars worth of music. I could probably down load music all day if I could. I'm up to 13gb on my ipod now. I still have about 135 gbs to feel it up. I'm working at it. If I ever get my storage cleared out I have a lot of stuff to transfer to it. I just love music and it never gets old for me. I love every genre of music even though I'm not that wild with some country. I do like some of it. My ipod is very eclectic and a person could find about anything on it.
I also got a snuggie. It really isn't as cheesy as they advertise it as on the chimerical. The sleeve part does get in my way a little bit but generally the only time I wear it is watching tv and it does fine. I wouldn't use it to work on my computer as the sleeves sort of gets in the way and tends to be bulky for me. It is nice and warm and the plus for me is it is in leopard that tends to hide dog hair. Patterns are wonderful for pet hair. I was thinking stains also. I don't eat with it on so it isn't a problem. We also got the whole series of ab fab and I love it. Nothing like women with sharp tongues . I also like my cafe mug I received filled with biscotti. How can you go wrong with that. My final gift I recieved was money. I purchased two seasons of The jetsons with that. I love old cartoons. I also put my own money with it and ordered Saturday cartoons of the 60's. I can't wait to get them. I ended up buying my partner a Nintendo Ds as they have phased out gameboys for awhile. She loved it and the plus side she can use her gameboy games on it. I also got her games and a book. I combined her Christmas and birthday, since they are so close together. The book is called Pegahmagabow- Life-long Warrior. It is about a man that was a WW1 solider and an Indian Chief. I think she will enjoy it as she was excited to get it because she loves local history, Native North American culture, and anything about war history. It truly combines all of those elements together.
Most of all I'm thank-full to be in a better mood and not so depressed. Unlike, most people ,I'm blessed not to have all the stress most people have during the holiday season.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Non-Hoilday Spirit- Call me Grinch

I finally completed all my Christmas shopping yesterday. I only had my partner left to shop for. I have been very good this holiday season with my money for the most part and haven't been as extravagant as some times I can be. I have been trying to not fall prey to the commerical greed this holiday promotes and a empty chequing account. I have asked myself many times does a person even remember what they got for Christmas, unless it is very special. Most people don't give very special gifts. They might think they are special but in reality most people forget about what they receive if it isn't a gift of time,home-made, hideous or sentimental. I have this motto to give all year long and just not on the magic day of Christmas. It really helps out my budget. I also have made limits to what I will give and not be quilted into giving, what I don't have. It is hard to stick by that because this whole season is about buying in society. Materialism is in full tilt after Thanksgiving. You can see signs of gluttony everywhere. Another pet peeve of mine is people that only give to charity during the holiday season. Like there is no poverty any other time of year and the food banks stock themselves the other months of the year. It almost gives the sense people aren't deserving any other time except the magical Christmas season.
I give 11 months out of the year and refuse to give during the Christmas season . I don't feel the need to say what a wonderful human I'm because I spread around the Christmas cheer by giving minimally once a year. Í give 11 months out of the year because that is what I feel I should do as a responsible member of society and community. You don't make society a better place by giving to the disadvantaged once a year.
I admit that I do indulge with food around the holidays. I'm a sucker for all the candy during the holiday season. I also like a nice Christmas dinner. Most of my fond memories of Christmas was never the gifts but the dinner shared by family. This year will be different as I have no family around to have a huge feast. I will be making a feast for two. It still will be nice snacking and eating and being with my loved one. Other than the Christmas feast that I had with my family , I don't miss any aspect of Christmas season. I can't wait till it passes and society gets back to normal. No more crappy tv specials, music, and pressure to shop. Back to dieting after getting fat as a hog. I can feel better mental health coming on with all the pressures and extra stressors going out the door the first of the year. Even though I don't buy into the whole season of greed , I do participate in some of it. I feel a little pressure not to be a what society labels as Scrooge or Gringe. I do my minimal to please other people and pretend I give a shit. I pretend to give a shit with not saying anything generally negative about Christmas. I just smile or avoided any conversation about Christmas. I'm not Christian and really have no use for Christmas. When I'm in the mood I will do the winter decorations but I'm not in the mood this year. I did put up a golfing Santa on the book case. I think that is the extent of the decorations this year. I really don't feel like putting up a tree that you have to take down. Or watching the cat destroy the ornaments.
I will put back my smiling face to the public and be myself behind closed doors and count the days until Christmas is over.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hoilday Season

The snow has been very abundant. In the past two weeks we have had between 75-100 cms dumped in a very short time. The weather has been sporadic and wild. I have tried to stay in and not go to town on the bad driving days . I have been very busy on the nicer days to get groceries and do the minimal Christmas thing. Finally, shipped off some final presents and wrapped up Christmas shopping. Except I have to figure out what to get my partner.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.

I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Winter is Has Began

I haven't written in awhile. I have been very depressed. My depression has been as dark as the days of winter. I haven't had much to say and really haven't done much except watch tons of tv. Which is not like me. Since the weather has changed into snow, I have felt better. The other day the snow began . It was a glorious 15cm (5.9 inches) Over night we where suppose to get any where between 15-25cm inches. It is starting to feel like winter. I really love the cold most of the time even though it isn't all that cold at the moment. It is around 30F most of the time during the day so far. I have started to start trudging through my depression a little at a time and trying to get in the spirit of Christmas. I wish this month would go by quickly. Maybe, at the last minute I will get into the Holiday spirit. I just feel it is a added burden that I just don't need in the scheme of life. Life at the moment is hard enough to get motivated with at the moment. I do look forward to this winter though. I have a lot of plans for it. Last winter was my first in Ontario and I loved it. I never knew I liked snow that much and the cold. I'm still learning how to walk on it without falling. I thought I mastered it last year and forgot. I also forgot how the sky can be so dark when snow is pouring out of the sky. I'm hoping to get some photography done this coming week. Everything has been a chore , even the fun things. I'm starting to gradually breathe life again. I'm still depressed but not as severe. The best thing though is I'm sleeping like a normal person again. I actually sleep 8-9 hours straight through a night . I no longer wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm gradually crawling out of my hole since the snow has started. I have also forgot how much I hate all the winter clothes though. All the layers,heavy jacket, heavy snow boots. I just hate shoes period. I'm not fond of much clothes either. I like my skin to breath. With it not being very cold I find myself with all different kinds of jackets. I never knew why my partner had so many jackets now I know why. This area has so many different temps. All varieties of cold. I would burn up in a down jacket right now. Next month I will probably need it. I also have three different boots I use in the winter. I have waterproof hiking boots when there isn't much snow. I have snowmobile boots, when it is dumping tons of snow and cold. I also have what I call town boots when everything is settled and I don't do anything else except shopping. It looks like we will be blowing out the driveway now. I can't believe how snow can accumulate so fast. I guess until Georgian bay freezes over there will be tons of snow. I hope it makes up time with dumping snow because last year at this time we had 100cm of snow already. I'm really looking forward to skiing this winter and winter photography. This year I'm getting some snow shoes so I can get out in the bush and take better pictures. Oh winter calls me this morning to get busy since I have been sitting on my butt for the last three weeks.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I'm not for sure why people read my blog. I started this as a project for myself but notice I get a lot of traffic off of blogsurfer that I submitted this blog to. I wonder what is the draw if you do read this blog. Sometimes, I wonder what the audience wants from this blog . I have opinions on everything . I never defined my purpose really with writing this. The blog is not very old and I'm new to blogging. I don't even know in this mood or any mood if it is any good or revelant or not. So please if you read this blog give me a shout out and tell me why you read or what you would like to see more of. I know the stats get higher for some of the things I blog about while the stats get lower for some of the things I blog about. I just thought I would ask. Stats dont tell me much about the people following this blog either. I would like to get to know my audience better if you do follow this. Thank-you if you do take the time to read my ramblings.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ho Hum

I have been in a different mood lately. It is more of low grade depression. I actually don't mind it as I'm content with doing hardly nothing. My sleep is better but I still get up in the wee hours of the morning but take a huge nap around 6 get up around 10 then go back to sleep till 4. It is wacked because I'm missing my evening television. Not like most of the shows, I watch are so thought provoking that missing them makes me upset. I just like some of them and miss being up in the evening. I'm slowing down enough to read again and I really can get into that. I love reading and look forward to reading the many books I can read when I'm in that mood frame. Sometimes , just starting a book is hard and when I do I just buss through it ,if it is interesting.
It is funny the different mood spectrums what I can get done or what I can't get done and I embrace each spectrum as it brings me something different in my life. I feel like I'm finally on vacation now and relaxing. I think I will be back to a productive mood once it snows here .

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Mixed Nuts and Bolts

I have been in a lousy mood for the past couple of days. My sleep is now back all over the place. I'm also trying to find purpose or motivation in my life. It really went to hell in a hand basket ,one day with grey overcast skys. The weather is back to shining again for at least a week. It makes it tolerable. I have been so irritable , it makes me miserable. I have been eating up all my pre-frozen food I made and I'm running out. I need to get off my ass and do something today. The thing is nothing appeals to me at the moment. I did manage to get out of the house yesterday for some more potting soil and etc. I bought a Christmas cactus the other day that needs re potted and finally found something fitting for my violet even though it isn't, what I really want. So, maybe re potting living things will make me feel more alive. I doubt it but it will make some of the time pass with this mood. Sometimes the only thing I find in a foul mood is to do something anything to make the time go by until another mood comes.
One positive thing about getting up in the wee hours of the morning is I got to see the Leonid meteor shower and it was brilliant. It took me some time to focus my eyes in the dark . Also, says something to have pets as I had to take the dogs out to do their business and watched the bright clear sky and they where content also. I need to make myself go out everyday and not allow myself to be a shut in. I fight and trudge when I'm in this mood. I tell myself I don't have to like it and no I will probably hate doing anything but I need to do it for future sanity. Life goes on whether I'm in the mood for it or not. It just becomes a heap of crap if I don't keep things up.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Things that help a budget and time

I was sitting down thinking with a cup of coffee about how I was going to structure my day since I'm sort of out of my routine lately. I was also thinking about how I cope with domestic chores . I didn't used to cope with domestic chores at all at one time and hated anything domestic. I was either real domestic with my mood or very anti domestic. I thought I would share some of the things that helped me . One of the things that help me is cooking ahead when I feel better. I cook and freeze just about everything when I'm in a good mood in anticipation when Im going to be busy or in a bad mood. I feel eating healthy is a hard thing to do in society anymore . It seems like everyone is busy or something and doesn't have time to fix a healthy meal. I just try to do it ahead. An example , I ended up not cooking yesterday and had a pot of beans frozen in the freezer. All I had to do is defrost it and there was a base of a meal that I didn't have to think about and it was very good. I also have frozen spaghetti sauce for pasta in the freezer and some homemade chicken and noodle soup in there. I'm running low and think I will try to cook extra this week for when I don't feel like it which is a lot. Another thing you do is save when you cook ahead because you don't eat out another thing is generally the foods you freeze up are cheap on the budget. An example a pot of beans cost about 1.00 for probably 2 huge meals for a family or 8 meals for 2 people.

Making list before you go to the store helps from impulse buying and also stocking food makes you make less frequent trips to the store. I really don't like shopping when I'm in certain moods as I buy to much or Im so scattered I forget what Im there for in the first place. That is why I make a menu of the week and stick to it. I don't have to think except one time and that is planning it. Sometimes, I hate the planning more than the cooking.

Today, sense I put off the grocery store ,I will try to go for a short time because this is the last week-end that is going to be unseasonable warm for the week-end. I look forward to the sun in the sky and the warmish weather this part of Ontario is experiencing. I also look forward to next week where it will be cooler but sunny. I like just about any weather that has some sun in it. I want to start the routine of walking more before winter snow. I also want to inquire about the gym next week and get a exercise routine going on when the weather is to cool to walk and jog. I know walking and jogging really help me in many ways .
Back to coffee and more thinking about what I will do on such a nice day .

Friday, November 13, 2009


I'm back at home again and in a strange way, I'm happy. I was able to get a whole 6 hours of sleep , without interuptions. I haven't slept 6 hours straight in weeks . I was sleeping 3-4 hours straight then waking up and maybe getting a hour afterwards, or just sleeping in the day. I actually was able to stay up for evening programming last night. I'm leveling out and I really think the strict rountine and structure I get from travelling helps it. So does extra meds when I need them. I generally hate meds and what they do to me but will take them when I'm manic. They are a god send as I hate being a bouncy complusive mess that mania reduces me to. It isn't real fun for me and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin most of the time. I also noticed even though I spent a lot of money on things that I actually needed it made me sick to spend that money. It was a healthy sign and I'm out of spending mode even if I think I need it. I'm thinking about really getting back to budgeting lately and saving up money.

Christmas , is coming up and I have most of my shopping done and I'm happy that I'm not stressing at the last minute over it. I also set limits this year and hope I wont go over them like I have in the past. The less stress I make myself the less I get triggered from my mood that seems to fuel it. I was happy that I was able to find some normalcy traveling as odd as it seems puts me in a more structured frame of mind. I feel like I have a fresh slate to start on at home and to get some of that structure and rountine back here if I can. Travelling also stressed to me that I need to get out more no matter what. The sunny weather is really helping me a lot. The days are chalked with sun for the past week . What a little sun and sleep will do to a mood. I actually look forward to cooking today also. I actually don't want to isolate any longer and get out and do some grocery shopping to pick up the basics also. I want to really work on getting some more strict structure and rountine balanced with some fun. I was really reminded how much boredom fuels my negative attitude and restless nature.
Now it is time to get busy and try to live life to it's fullest and back to list making to priotize what I need to get done and some brainstorming about what to do around this small town to keep me occupied so I don't become such a malcontent and grump.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I have been away from home now for three days. It has been wonderful and has made my mood more manageable. I didn't realize how bored I was at home or lonely until now. Boredom really fuels my mood in a bad way. Travelling I'm very used to. I used to travel every 3 months of the year back and forth to the states. I have a routine for everything at a motel or hotel. I also thought I never wanted back at another motel or hotel for a very long time. I spent almost 3 months of my life at one last year traveling before I just settled for Canada. Now I can enjoy not cooking and having a meal out because it isn't an all the time thing. I also adapt very easily back to hotel living because I'm so familiar with what they have and what they don't. I always bring my own coffee and coffee press to a hotel because they don't have adequate coffee. I also being an insomniac bring things, to do to not disturb my partner. I shouldn't let on I can be so quiet in the wee hours of the morning .
Overall , I'm having a fine time visiting my in-laws. I manage short little visits during the day not to get overwhelmed because my mood is still high. I pick places to eat that aren't flashy and have alot going on except the taste of the food because people at times gets on my nerves. I look forward to going, to the mall and shopping. After , being in a tiny town for 6 months I really miss all the selection of stores and how easy it is to find things. I also miss the sounds of a city . As I look out my hotel window I see one of the busiest highways in Canada and think oh , civilization. I miss people and not rude ones that I'm used to where I live. Or take your money for a half ass job or service because they think they are entitled. The more I'm here the more I don't want to go to that shit-hole town . I like service and without attitude or the pace of a snail. People actually smile here. It is more diverse and people mind there own business and not what everyone else is doing or not doing. I love the autominty that a city affords people . Then tomorrow I go back to reality with the grind of home and a small community . I'm not going to try to think about it today and enjoy my day. I have been wanting some Pho and think there is a place down the street that makes it. At least my taste buds aren't assaulted here and the food isn't bland, I do have to shop for my winter supplies such as skis and snow shoes to make this winter more bearable than the last one. I also am thinking about going to Henry's camera as they have the most wonderful camera equipment . I generally have had to order on-line. I just need a peek of a wide angle lens or a more of a telescopic lens for photographing birds and wild life as the one I have isn't that powerful. I also have to stock up on cat food as I don't ant to pay double for the same bag I buy at Pet value . I really didn't know they carried big bags of Royal Canine until I went shopping in another town this summer and paid about the same amount for a big bag than a little bag. It is crazy all the things I have to drag back home from the lack of availability where I live.
This trip I actually got better sleep also than when I was at home. Not as many distractions and I'm just real tired from being up all day and being busy. I take care of myself better and don't have the stress load that I do at home. Except for the meowing cat we took with us because we didn't want to leave her for 4 days. She is a riot. We left her with the TV on and came back and she was all in a fit because she jumped on the remote when we where out and had it off channel or ordered something pay per view. Don't really know. I hope she didn't rent a porno. The room was hissing and dark and took awhile when we came back to calm her down. Over all she does living out of a hotel fine and travels very nicely as she is seasoned at it. It also has been a treat to be away from the dogs a couple of days and I'm starting to miss them. We will pick them up tomorrow afternoon.
Well shower time to get started with my shopping today.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mixed Mood switching over to Mania

In this mixed state of mine , I feel like it is moving to just pure mania. I wanted a shift of mood but not mania. I hate full blown mania. I'm ok if I just don't do anything to agitate me but you have to live life. The more I do the more I act like a volcano of energy. I finally went and did my clothes yesterday and what a chore that was. I ended up doing them fine until they where about done. The first dryer load I folded and then I couldn't fold them any more and just shoved them into bags to do at home. I hate wrinkles and will have to iron some of them out. I tend to hate anything out of order when I'm in this mood and I'm not my laid back self.
I have been getting cat naps and that hasn't been great but at least it is sleep. I can sleep two -three hours straight and wake up . My sleep generally ends in a nightmare which wakes me up. I once had a shrink tell me nightmares tend to happen when a mood is changing. Wow, what an insight. I could have said that. I know my cycles pretty well and November is a bear for me with mania and just pure insanity no matter what I do. I can ease the insanity and do less damage but it is still there the underlying mood. I just have to have my safe guards in place like limits of money and more time outs and I try not to go around people as much as I tend to be irritable or to friendly. I do everything to an excess in this mood and have a hard time seating still.
Which brings me to I don't know how I'm going to seat for 4 hours in the truck when we go to Cambridge today. I will but it will be painful. I will be like a fidgeting little kid , yelling are we there yet. I think I will have to bring my gameboy and listen to music and try to distract myself just like you would a hyper child. Rest stops to exercise my bouncing legs. I think when we get there I will manage to stay busy and take the breaks I need and maybe it will just make me happy not to be at home which I surely think it will. Now to manage to not spend to much as I will give my partner my credit card and will only ask for it when I really need it . I will also need some time outs from my in-laws as they tend to get on my nerves also at times and that is when I will walk out and have a continual smoke break. I need to set my boundaries as they are different in this different mood. It does work though .

Sunday, November 8, 2009


I need to dig myself out of my boredom rut or I will watch crap on tv and read magazines that don't have much relevance. I caught myself watching The House Wife's of Georgia and New Jersey. Oh I have stooped to a level of boredom I never thought I would. If you have watched these reality shows all they do is try to one up each other in designer outfits and materialism. They are so superficial and even their appearance is such as they literally spray their make up on to go to one of the social events. They are petty , arrogant and everything I would never want to posses as a human being. It is interesting such people exist and I'm secertly intrigued to what shallow deeps these women go to. I think reality tv feels a void when people watch it and think "Wow, I can't believe how they act, I'm so much better than that".
I do have hobbies and a lot of them. I just can't concentrate on them in this murky mood. It is getting better though and picked up a magazine with more meat in it and hope to pick up a Sunday paper today. When my mood is in the depths of murky water I really don't care what is happening with the world and escape threw tv that has me not thinking except Wow , thank god I'm not that way. It is like feel good tv when your in the pits and that is about the only time it appeals to me. Nothing like a good dose of crappy tv when I get like this. Another favorite when I don't want to think is Judge Judy. I swear she gets idiots on purpose because they don't act very bright and she gets to yell at them for their stupidity. It is amusing in a non- thinking mood but doesn't appeal to have someone yelled at when Im in a better mood. I have a whole litany of shows I watch when Im in a non-concentration mood where I dont have to follow a plot. I also love women's household magazines when Im in this mood also as their isnt much of a plot and most women already know what ever they are writing about. Sometimes , I do like the recipes. It is a fun easy read and maybe I might glimmer a tip or two for something .
Now to start climbing out of this rut to do some of the things I enjoy like photography, Wii, just generally getting out of the house, cooking, and hopefully ice-skating this coming week. I will ponder as I finish my coffee about some of the better things and movies I could be watching . Or picking up one of the many books I have ordered and haven't got to. Or turning on the CBC for some real news and not what Kate Gosling has been doing. I really don't care what she is doing but when you have the attention span of a gnat it is better than watching something serious.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Bouncy Ball

The last couple of days I have been bouncing like a bouncy ball during the day when I'm not sleeping. I have short- leashed myself with meds for the past three days and it just makes my body feel like a wet noodle but does nothing for my brain to slow down. Except itmakes me go to sleep at odd hours during the day and not sleep through the night.
Today, my legs aren't as restless bopping up and down as the past couple of days and that is a good sign as it is very annoying to have your whole body fidgeting. I went to town yesterday and made it quick as my mood wasn't conducive to social interaction and what I think in this mood comes out of my mouth. In this manic mix I'm not tactful and I'm getting used to a town I really don't want to live in and have an opinion about everything and everybody in this mood. I even have some noises that just come out of me. I did manage to pick up my Bose system and it really is great. It is a very great bright spot as I love music in about every genre. Even though rock, pop and punk are my favorite. It really enhances the music on my ipod and makes me want to collect more music . Collecting music has never been a problem anyways as I have over 1,000 albums on my ipods.
I have been up for awhile and still can't concentrate very well but I do my best in the morning hours and it doesn't take any thought to pick up and water plants. I'm getting trash together for dump day and some less clutter out of the house. I'm also getting laundry ready so we will have clothes ready for our trip. I also have to brush the animals again as they are getting boarded next week. I'm looking forward to some time without them . I love them so much but like time away from them also.
I have alot to look forward to if my mood doesn't get into my way in a terrible nasty way. I'm taking safe guards against that though like having time to have many time outs and if necessary more medication. This probably will be my last trip to a major city till February.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Sunny Day

I have started my journey getting out of the house and it is such a nice day that I don't want to waste it. It is cold but very sunny and I have needed a day like this. I think it would improve my mood. Also, had to take some meds prn that is like the glue that binds my brain and takes the ants out of my pants. I have alot of errands to run today . I love productive days and I feel today will be one. I dont have anything heavy to do today so it will go good. Then I can start getting ready for my vacation next week and start planning what I will need for next week. I still have laundry to do as I dread that because I have to go to a laundry mat. It isn't to bad though if I'm in the mood. Everything isn't bad if I'm in the mood for it. I'm starting slowly once again to get in the mood for things and part of it I think is simple is the shining sun and just time for my mood to cycle through. I know it is far from over though and hopefully I wont be took hostage any longer by the mixed mood I have been having.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Dreary Day

It is so dark and nasty out. I woke up very early in the morning again to find patches of snow and rain. Now it has turned into sleet. The trees are stark and the ground bare patches of snow and dead earth. It is just depressing. The sky is bleak as well as frantic with weather activity. Sort of sounds like my mood. I really need to force myself out of this house as I'm getting stir crazy as I haven't been to town in a week. Nothing ever comes out good when I don't go out and try to socialize even when I don't want to. I can forget jogging today as that has been the only thing to get me out of this house. I find myself increasingly irritable when I don't go for a jog or walk. The last two days I basically only go out to let the dogs out.
Once I get into the frame of not going out it is hard to go out again and I get comfortable in my isolation. I know isolation for myself builds and gets worse . Time for me to throw myself in the shower and bundle up after wards and stop whinging about the weather. Isn't that what raincoats are for? I got to tell myself this as I don't want to go out and will make any excuse available. If anything I need to force myself out even if it is for a dreary walk to clear the cob webs and agitation in my head.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Life is OK. My partner got out of detox Monday. She is still weak physically but doing well. I see a vast improvement with her. She still has along ways to go physically but is getting there. I was actually happy to have her back home and take it a day at a time also with her problem. My mood is still mixed and I have been trying to be up beat. My sleep is still irregular but at least I'm sleeping. I know sometime, it will go back to normal. I just need a jolt or something to get it back to normal hours that people sleep.
I'm going to have to start getting ready also for our trip next week and I have had not much energy except to do stuff that I have to do around the house. I look forward to the trip actually to get out and visit in-laws and get a little shopping done. I want to buy some cross country ski's this year and possibly some snow shoes. Last year I bought some ice skates which I need to use more. I'm a terrible skater. I actually look forward to the snow as that is when a second wave of life starts around here. It is also nice and bright in the winter and not ugly and as dull as it is now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Therapy through cooking

I feel a little better today even though my mood hasn't passed . Just the way that I look at things in my life. I noticed to make a mood tolerable I have to ignore the negative self talk which I'm not always good at doing but after years I have started trying to re frame my thinking and just not worry so much and accept the moment. One of the things that helped me was staying distracted. I went on to cook for part of the day. I made stuffed green peppers and a roast. I made three huge stuffed peppers and was able to eat a half of one sliced for lunch with garlic roasted potatoes and corn. The left overs are for lunch today. The roast I did with a Cajun rub, onions and baby bella mushrooms. I had some for dinner and will make BBQ- beef sandwich's out of it today for tonight's dinner. The thing is I didn't feel like cooking but sometimes a healthy escape as doing what we need to do is great therapy and great to eat. It also makes me not have to think about fixing food for today. I also do know that three healthy meals a day are essential to me and will make a bad mood tolerable and a bad mood not tolerable if I don't eat healthy.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Distraction is a good thing for aniexty. I have been experiancing a lot of anxiety this morning thinking about thinks I just can't control or predicts it's out come. I have been so nervous about a situtation in my life I was dry heaving in the bathroom.
I decided I just don't need to think and just do something productive. I groomed all three dogs and they look very nice and probaly weight less . It seemed like I stripped off a pound of fur. I'm very impressed with the furminator as it seems effortless to brush them with one brush instead of three. I even got the cat done also and didnt know she possessed so much loose fur either. I have turned into the domestic goddess this morning trying to cope with the anxiety Im experiancing. It feels horrible but it is more at bay at the moment . It makes me feel better when I can see results and I can get results by controlling what I can like cleaning the bathroom shiny. I have more things to distract me like menu planning and maybe a nice walk if the weather holds up. I need something to release this negative energy and exercise does it. I will keep my head up and keep trudging

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Procrastination marks my life. I finally got my media storage center done to unburden the clutter. I needed to finish it to move all the games and movies we have. When I was able to do that I could hook up the VCR-DVD transfer to get up all the old VCR movies to DVD format. I'm the gadget person. I hook up everything around the house and hook up everything.
I also finally hooked up the Wii. I have all the stuff that has been hanging around for months in their place and it looks nice. I don't know why I put it off as it was easy. I have lacked motivation for awhile. I think just taking time for myself yesterday helped promote getting things done. I also don't want to deal with my relationship problems of late. I have a lot of time on my hands now . My mood is not great and still mixed. Nothing makes it worse than sitting on my ass . I really would like to just sleep but life doesn't get better when I sleep. Here is to more things to come. I even made a list today and it built on it's self with getting things done. I clear an area and do more.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Sometimes you just have to get back to basics Bipolar 101

Sometimes, I just need to get back to basics with being Bipolar. That is sleep,eating right, exercising and having me time to heal. Basically taking care of myself. I have been dxed since I was 27 and I'm now almost 37. It has been a long ride for the past 10 years. I also no longer beat myself up for the things I don't do and just take things in stride lately. I'm really trying to beat getting to the hole I'm heading into. I'm also trying not to speculate about the future as I have no control over it and I tend to be a control-freak. I can't control anything of other peoples or even much of my own shit. I try to take it a day or sometimes a hour or a minute at a time. My mood basically sucks and it isn't going anywhere soon. I don't feel like doing anything lately and that doesn't give me an excuse anymore to stop trudging with doing what I need to do. I used to tell myself I couldn't do it. But in all honesty I just didn't want to do the things that make me well. I don't have to feel good to make some strides and take care of myself.
With no energy except the anxiety I took a short jog which made me feel better temporally. I cooked today and had three meals today. I ate a healthy salad and started my extra vitamins. I relaxed today and listened to my favorite music as loud as I wanted and made more play list. I acknowledge the feelings that have been bothering me even though it more less takes time to get over some of the stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I also escaped into magazines today and was trying to distract myself. Most importantly I have a very good friend that will talk with me and I talk to her about her problems. It is always nice to have support . I'm still working on a support system since I have moved over a thousand miles from mine.
I also bought me a Bose docking system as a treat for putting up with life. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in awhile. I also thought I would extend the niceness to taking care of myself with giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I also did a cheap facial and felt relax for awhile. Sometimes , I ignore my appearance and need to remember that is important to have these things done and it boost my ailing self-esteem even when I'm not into it. It is building stones to help me get where I want to be. It is a never ending battle and some days it is as level as it gets but it isn't a cure. Somedays you just need to take a day off and do things for yourself.


I have been so full of postive and negative feelings lately. I have also been full of anxiety. The crippling stuff that wants me to just not do anything. I tell myself I'm overwhelmed because of all I have to do. Well now I don't have to do anything and Im still anxious. I decided to go jogging in the dreary grey drizzle. It sure does clear my mind for awhile. It is so important that I get some sort of exercise as it has away of clearing out just for awhile the antsy anxiety that burdens me.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.


Today, I bought some more vitamins to throw on the mix of taking a multi-vitamin and a B-complex. I'm going to start getting more Vitamin C that is chewable for flu- season and cold season and Cod liver oil for the impending winter. I don't get any Vitamin D from the sun. I'm hoping to get a lift of mood also as I'm defienct in that area of sun lately with it raining. At the moment I try to get out even for any influence of the sun. It is dreary with all the greyness but it does help my mood to take some sort of walk and to get out period. It is harder when it rains all the time but not to make excuses their is some breaks in the rain even though it is never enough and the muck of mud is all around. It isn't that pretty outside either as everything is bare naked also and the ground is all dead. November until it snows can be one of the worst months around here as it is known for it's grey sky and nothing ascetic to the eye. Nature is doing her thing and pretty soon hopefully with Day light savings it will be a little better with how fast it gets dark and gain an hour. What are you going to do with you extra hour?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A flood of feelings

I don't know what to really say. My partner has been suffering from addiction and is also Bipolar. I went to an appointment with her today as she was ready to get help with her drinking problem. I'm very proud of her and think it takes a lot of courage to get help. My feelings have been all over the place. I worry a lot about her also as she has some underlying health problems. She was so scared and rightfully so as this is hopefully going to change her life. I already miss her and hope her the best as I know she can do this five day detox. Maybe, this will also give her a chance to get her meds together and me a break from all the chaos that has been around lately. It is heart breaking to watch someone drinking them self to death slowly . It is like slowly committing suicide. I have so much going in my head at the moment and it doesn't help my mood is at a all time mixed up crap state. I need to take care of myself in the meantime and do what I can for me at the moment as my hands are totally out of the mix what is going to happen to her at the moment. I cant guess what will happen and just hope she will be OK. She had to go to detox out of town and I really hope she will be OK. More to come in more days when all this sinks into my brain.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Morning Routine

I look forward to the wee hours of the morning. It is peaceful and quiet . It is just me and the animals. They are my fan club in the morning waiting to go out and do their business. Each day, I discover what the weather is going to be like. Today, it is raining. I can smell the burning of wood and what a nice smell that is. The air is crisp with a little bit of a bite this morning. I can't see much as it is always dark and have to rely on my other senses in the morning. I also love the smell of coffee in the morning and the gentleness of how unchoatic the mornings are waking up and sipping coffee and just being. I try to make plans for the day but life generally gets in the way of what I plan . Lately, I haven't been making as many plans and been getting more done. Sometimes, I need a list but lately I just see what needs to be done and do it. I do love my morning rituals though. I truly like just waking up and drinking coffee and being on the computer surrounded by my animals. I also like watching them in the morning as they are full of life and come alive. One of the Golden's plays with a cat in the morning as they stretch out and roll around. The cat usually bites the dogs head and sets it off as they mouth each other and it looks like they are hugging. The other two dogs just sit there and act all adoring or is it they want a big biscuit in the morning. They love to have their ears scratched and are thankful for the smallest things I do for them. Sometimes, when I think the day is going to suck , I have an animal make me laugh and forget about life and just focus on the small things. I'm very thank-full for my pets . They give me routine even when I reject the notion. They give me some structure when I reject that also. No matter what I do I have to take care of them regardless of how I feel. Sometimes they are my soul motivation to start my day.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My mood is a mixed mood. Which is a mix of depression and mania. I thought I was just suffering from SAD.(Seasonal Affective Disorder) The weather surely isn't helping matters either. When it is bright and sunny I'm up during the day and down in the evening. When it is grey and dark ,I'm bored and up . The evening down and dull like the sky. It has done nothing but rain and rain. It gets real old. Old like my mood. It will change but when I do not know. I was starting to get some sleep like a normal person before my sinus infection. I thought sickness would trigger more of my irregular sleep patterns. I'm now going to bed in the early evening and getting up at about 2-3 in the morning. What does one do so early in the morning, while others sleep? I try to be quiet and it is hard. I read a lot in the morning. I surf the Internet in the wee hours. I would like to do something else but not many things are quiet and wont wake someone up.
Routine is a thing of the past. Structure is a thing of the past in this mood also. I do what I feel like during the day. Sometimes that is a lot and sometimes it is nothing at all. I'm aware that I'm not the master of my moods lately and I need to get it under control. I need to put back some routine and structure into my life as it helps not only my moods but my sanity. I was fortunate to indulge in my photography this week-end and get lost. It was my mood that I was able to even see something to photograph. When I'm up I can see the silver lining in any subject and it speaks to me. It gives me motivation. When I'm down I just see a patch of grass that is dingy from the welting weather of fall. I just see a rodent in the sky , not a wonderful seagull that has alot of expression. It is funny how a bipolar person see's the world. It is either full of possibilities and is bright. Or it is painfully dull and void. It can at times be frightening also. Very much muddled and fragmented.
I just want to get back into a semi-routine. It is hard to get back to that point but I'm sure I will. I have been beating the all or nothing attitude. Which I have most of the time. Life isn't black or white . For me it has a lot of grey to it tinted all sorts of colours at times. It is time for me to just do it and get the things done in my life that I grapple with. It is hard and sometimes impossible for me to do. I trudge and trudge in the trench of this illness at times . The thing is I don't give up and I keep trudging until I get out of the trench of what ever is going on.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Going without electricity

Yesterday from 6am to 1pm the electric was out. It was a planned outage. I was dreading it. I thought what can I do from 6-1. Well, I had a lot of fun. In the morning I made sure I had a thermos of coffee and I was all ready to go for the day . After waking up and having coffee , I light candles all over the house and had coffee by candlelight. It wasn't so bad. I enjoyed the art of conversation instead of the computer, radio, and tv . I realized that I don't engage in much conversation in the morning and do my own thing. My partner and I went to town for the day. We had breakfast first and it wasn't so great but it was nice to eat. What spoiled it was a couple with kids let there children run around and shout. I didn't think it was cute at all. Then we went to the beach and it was nice and sunny. I'm really into photography and didn't know what subject I should photograph so I seen a flock of seagulls. Seagulls are real interesting to me and I ended up chasing around seagulls for about a hour. I think I must of looked real silly bent down and walking around like a gull. They sort of bob up and down and are flat footed. I got a nice work out. Ended up at another dock after that to take some more pics and just enjoy the view of the bay.
Finally went to town and did a little x-mas shopping for the in-laws. It is a start and was entertained mostly with people watching. I seen a lady with fishnet stocking and a mini-skirt on in the dollar store. I wondered if I could of bought her for a dollar. The dollar store is great killing time as they have a bunch of junk to mull through and stuff to give you a good laugh.
It was a nice day and very easy to start getting over being sick. I felt like I was getting cabin fever. I can be very easily amused.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Vacation from Myself

I haven't been feeling well for about three days. I think I have the beginnings of a sinus infection. Which doesn't sit well with my mood either as is seems to make my sleep off kilter. I was starting to go to bed like a normal person, (10-5) then this had to come along and wreck it. My head hurts all the time and I have had a pretty severe head-ache for days. Today, so far I don't have a bad head-ache but a dull ache in my head that I can tolerate. I might actually have some motivation if I didn't have my head ready to evaporate at any minute. It is like a migraine, My eyes hurt with the head-ache and my stomach does also. The only thing that has been tolerable is to lay down or sleep. Today, with a little reprieve I have been catching up with the newspapers and reading material. I miss the mornings where I have them by myself to drink coffee, blog, read, listen to music. The past few days I haven't much done anything except the bare necessitates. Which have been cook a meal and do dishes. I have tried occasionally in vain to do anything else when I have my sinus pills and Tylenol kick in. I have been not even thinking about what I should get done as I have had no motivation for anything. Instead, I just want some motivation and some wellness. I think I will get some motivation back when my head is straight from this possible sinus infection. I'm just to tired and drained to think about the mess of my life or this house. I'm convinced me taking time off of my life isn't going to effect it much . Actually, it has been quiet and uneventful. Which is nice treat. Sometimes, I feel like I think to much and this has been a nice time off from thinking and spinning my wheels. Not the best vacation in the world but a nice one from myself.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

It is easy to budject when you live in the middle of no where

It is so hard to find things in the town that I live in. An example is I bought a violet and can't find a violet pot for it . That is just one example. Even though they have some box stores (Walmart, Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Rona etc. I can't seem to find the things that I think I just have to have. It saves me a lot of money not to impulse shop because the things I do want I have to plan it out. I refuse to pay duty on anything because of the broker fees are insane in Canada and they just don't have all the variety as the states to shop on-line. Most of the time I prefer real stores anyway. I like to touch things and visual see them. It isn't the same to buy something with an enhanced picture and a blurb. I will always buy more books at a book store than on-line as I can see the different variety and think I can't live without it. I'm a shop-alcholic and like seeing a variety of things. Living here takes the wind out of me shopping as nothing really appeals to me. It is kind on my bank account though. When you only have two shoe stores, how many variety of shoes can one have. With one book-store that is tiny how many books can one have. Walmart doesn't much appeal to me but will do in a pinch. How much stuff can you own from China? Maybe, I shouldn't of asked that question since everything is being manufactured in China.
I'm bored with the small town life here and the other day booked a trip to a bigger city to overwhelm my senses. About every three months I need a break from small city living and giving the bank account a break. I get to see what the rest of society can't live without. I'm just trying to be a good consumer. In the USA they tell the citizens there to be good citizens by trying to spend more money to get the economy out of the recession. Well I want to be a good citizen in Canada and boost the economy of Ontario by shopping. It is easy for me to be civic minded this way.
Even though I do my share donating to legit charity's also. Why can't I help myself by helping by spending. As I see it it is a win situation for both the government and myself. So I look forward to my self indulgent trip. The funny thing about it though is after one of my trips, I look forward to getting back home. Sometimes , my senses get assaulted by so much variety and stimulation. Sometimes, limited choices are nice and it gets one away from impulse shopping. It makes me think more and have to really want something with limited choices to purchase it. I can live without most of the things the store and media tell me will make me a better hip person . The by product of living in a small community is it makes me less of a consumer. It is the best way to budget.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Today, I went shopping and went to the local nursery to buy some tulip bulbs. One of the final touches to get ready for winter. I found an pretty red tulip bulb called the Canadian Liberator. It has a very interesting story behind it. The Canadians liberated Holland in WWII. The story goes that , The princess of Holland and her family took refuge in Ottawa during World War II and, in 1943, Juliana gave birth to a daughter, Margriet, at the Ottawa Civic Hospital. The Canadian government declared the hospital room Dutch territory so the baby would be born a Dutch citizen. After the war the dutch government paid their gratitude by giving Ottawa tons of tulip bulbs. The Canadian Liberator enhances the colour of the Canadian Flag. Ottawa has a tulip festival every year developed from the gratitude of the dutch government. It also makes me proud to have this tulip rich in history in the yard. It reminds me of all the great sacrifices the soldiers gave to fight the Nazi's.
I also bought another very pretty type of tulip called the Toronto Tulip. It appears early in the spring and I really don't much now the history behind it but it is very pretty also. I look forward to digging in the dirt as soon as possible to get these tulip bulbs in.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Trying to regain balance and energy

My energy zapping things in my life are technology. I waste a lot of time on all mediums of technology. Facebook, Twitter,E-Mail , Surfing the Internet, Television, Blogging, and cell phones. Lately, I have been trying to cut them to a very limited time and get the things that actually need to be done in my life done. I managed to get a lot done today. I'm also a list and a spread sheet junkie. I love to try to manage my life with what isn't working. The saying of Nike Just Do It makes me get more done than ever. When I don't check all my devices I actually get stuff done. I also get fresh air. I managed to get so many things done to day without a list. I managed to winterize for the winter and got almost 99 percent of that done. The snow is no joke in this area and everything freezes solid. I didn't need a list to tell me it is going to rain for the next week and I better get off my ass. I also didn't need a list to tell me to clean up the kitchen or bathroom as I just hate those two things out of order. I learned from a sight the flylady which is a nuisance. If you want to find quick results of cleaning clean those two things and you can quickly see results. I might not being moving on this overwhelming clutter but I sure can see results with other things. Sometimes in life doing what you have to do and what you want to do will get you farther in the domestic realm. My slogan is just to get something done and stop dwelling on things I think I should do. Which I never do anyway. Sometimes just getting anything done is encouraging.
I also notice when I get fresh air I get alot done and fell better. I think humans need air daily and that is hard for some to get. I'm lucky the air I breathe smells so delightful at the moment. I smell the wood burning in the air. At the moment people are clearing trees and firing up their fireplaces. I also smell the earth turning into a graveyard of the seasons changing to the bare bones of nothing at the present moment. Everything is going back into the earth. Also with it raining I smell the dirt which is an actually a nice smell. All the things you can observe if you take time to take the time.

My funny brain

I have been thinking , what will I blog about. Most of the time, I don't find my life very interesting. Although it can be pretty crazy in a mental way and not a chaotic way at the moment. Generally, my mood of mixed (depressed & manic) doesn't appear and shows it's ugly head until the end of October and November . Now living in Canada and the weather being different, it seemed to trigger the seasonal delight faster. The weather has changed dramatically and I wouldn't see this weather until sometime in November where I used to live. Recently my brain has started to spin circles for half of the day . I just wish I could burn some calories from all the spinning my brain has been doing lately. Then the second half of the day it seems to be pretty asleep and dead. My brain tires it's self out and happily I take the much needed break. Yesterday by noon I questioned myself do I need to take some as needed meds to settle the beast of my brain down. I seemed to gity and making stupid jokes. As harmless as that sounds that can quickly escalate into something more obnoxious and ugly. I also was more than my irritable self at the same time. I could hardly sit down and was getting antsy and hyper. I thought to myself , I think I'm going to take some meds . I also asked my partner if my perceptions where correct about myself. Well they where and she told me nicely maybe you should take that little yellow pill. I generally don't take meds and only do when they are needed. I have pretty much been controlling my moods pretty well without being a victim of psych meds. Being a victim of psych meds is a whole separate blog into it's self . I'm just more stable if that can be possible without them and seem to live better. I do take one med as needed and do that only occasionally. It works for me and that is all that matters.
Back to my ramble. I needed my brain to slow down yesterday and was happy with the results of being able to relax and watch movies for most of the day. I debated whether to do something useful as enjoy the sunny day outside and convinced myself watching movies was more of a thing for me to do. Why you ask ? Well because it is pretty low key and doesn't trigger my mood to escalate any farther. That is when chick flicks are very welcomed in my living room. As much as I would like to deny that I watch chick flicks and fluffy movies I do watch them. Everyone needs light at times. I really enjoyed and laughed at this movie called He's Just Not Into You. It is crazy and humorous about the subject of social cues men give and how women interpret them . It seems in the movie most women don't accurately read the cues right. I found it very comical and thought I'm not alone trying in my journey to interrupt what is normal and what does that person really mean by this. I don't know what normal is and guess at it a lot. It just made me think watching the movie so called normal people question what is normal also. It also made me think how differently men and women communicate. Even though it can be stereo typical how women and men communicate. I have seen women communicate like the stereo typical male and men communicate in the stereo typical female fashion. I see so much grey area on how people communicate and it isn't always influenced by gender and more on a variable of factors. As the times change it seems the genders do also to a certain extent. Any way I found the movie to be entertaining as it addressed some issues in a comical way. It also made me think thank-god I don't date as it seems very complex and crazier than my own life. Relationships can be complicated enough without the added drama of guessing if the person is into you are not. I'm thank-ful that I'm in a relationship that I don't have to guess all the time and what the motivation behind things are. It is pretty straight forward. The things that make you think can be so mundane such as a movie as I really didn't think I would be provoked to think at all watching this. It got me through the day and I was thank-ful to relax and just Be for a change. It is nice to manage to be in the moment with what I do and not thinking about other things as I'm trying to do one thing at task.
Now back to drinking coffee this morning and enjoying the wee hours of the morning.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Facebook, The mindless and corrupting of true social interaction and life.

I have been thinking a lot about Facebook and other technology like twitter and the computer period. I'm separted from facebook at the time. I have found out that I have a dysfunctional relationship with this mindless time waste. I have been trying to figure out what the appeal really is. Why do I find myself wasting so much of my time on it. I had one friend tell me she had 500 friends that she doesn't even know in real life or talks to them either. Also, if she gets one more Farmville request she is going to divorce facebook also. I don't know if the developers of Facebook intended to make it into a sight really void of social interaction or not. It is so easy not to really communicate with the invent of Facebook or Twitter. You can communicate in short burst with a status update or a tweet. Not really even thinking. You dont even have to reply to a status update because you can just check a box that you like something without even saying actually why. I have came to the conclusion that these applications are so superficial. People used to complain where was the phone call anymore when the computer came along or where the letter in the real mailbox was. Now I ask myself where did the email go to? It is vanishing with the short burst and brainless invention of Facebook, Tweeter and Texting. I can now type a icon to tell you how I feel or maybe virtually tell you how much I like you with an application like grow a plant or sending hugs and hearts. I have found I no longer send real cards for b-days now. I have facebook send you a virtual cake and say Happy Birthday. I ask myself is this real social interaction or is it more superfical than I have ever thought. I have began to realize what was once fun is now boring and so superfical than I ever realized. I have spent so much time playing many mindnumbing applications and answering so many brainless quizes . I have started to ask myself where did my brain go. I have escaped from reality into virtual reality or is it any kind of reality ? I have used facebook to orginial connect with people and find myself actually with less of a connection than ever before. I'm to busy on facebook click , click , clicking on some stupid boring application. I have asked myself how did I get drawn into it. I'm still curious how intelligent people get sucked into such applications. Is it boredom? Is it a escape from life? Is it addicting? Is it peer pressure? I have alot of questions why other people do it and why society is becoming different in communication. I know for me facebook became away to escape my boredom and it was mindless when I didn't want to think about life. It was a little bit of peer pressure also with using applications as I wanted to please my friends by adding what ever they sent me whether I played it or not. I also found sometimes the connection with them but ended up not at all feeling a connection to any of the people on my friends list. What is going to be the next technology of escapism? People have been finding ways to escape the realities of life for as long as man has been on the planet. I'm just wondering what the new trend will be. Is this type of interaction here to stay? It just raises more questions for me than ever. What will dictonarys in the future look like? Will it have ways to define text lingo? Will everyone adopt a new way of spelling things? I know when I get a e-mail full of text lingo it makes me raise an eyebrow. Then again anymore I'm just thank-ful for an email in this day and age. I'm even guilty of just sharing vaguely what I think or what I'm doing with a status update or checking a box that I like something. The more I actually think , the more I think I'm going to divorce Facebook or at least take a real good sabbitcal from it and if I do go back use it to actually connect with people.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Pondering my life in Parry Sound

I was seating here this morning having coffee and writing in my moleskin. For those of you that don't know what that is , its a journal that is pretentious. Basically a plain journal that is black and simplistic. I would of been better off spending the money on a basic ruled notebook for a couple of bucks. I found this at a book store in this town. It makes me roll my eyes to go in their as the prices make me choke. I can get the same book at half the price on-line and have more of a variety. Oh they will order you things but you will wait longer than ordering them yourself. The perils of living in a small town. No variety and high prices. I try my best to shop locally but hell they don't offer much in Parry Sound. Even with what they offer I have found the town not very service oriented and pay no attention to details. I hardly eat out as it is an insult to my palate. Or it is just a plain insult to me as they don't have a clue about service. If I do go out to eat I expect nothing as I usually don't get much for what I pay. Even the Pizza Hut in town sucks. Went there and they burnt the pizza not once but twice. You would think it being a large chain they are all about the same. Not here , it is a joke. So, you wonder why I live here . I often do also. I live here because my partner is here. So , I guess you can say love. I do like the prettiness of the area but that wears thin at times when the town is a cesspool of rubes and small minded conservatives. I wouldn't notice as much but it is so small. It is like being in a little fish bowl which I really don't like. I really just stay to myself and that seems to work. It is lonely but I rather be lonely in this area. If I want something we drive along distance to find it or order it on-line. One thing in a perverse way this town teaches is independence because you can call some person to do some work and they never show or do half ass work. If you want something done right you will need to do it yourself or get shitty work and high prices to do it. The only thing I have found decent in this town is the butcher shop called Orr's. They do have great meat at decent prices. I often wondered how people ate meat around here when a tiny roast at the supermarket is about 10 bucks. Or two steaks for 20 bucks. I'm neither poor nor rich but at those prices it made red meat not much of an option until I found the butcher. I get fresh meat at low prices and better packaged. I could go on and on about how horrible this town is but I won't. I'm slowly getting adjusted by carving out my own niche. I have found satellite radio works, for movies, Internet so I don't become as fashion impaired as the locals. Also many trips out of the area to remind myself society does exist and I'm not in a vacuum of a voided place. I'm starting to like the sounds of nature and the erratic seasons they have. Tons of rain and I suspect tons of snow to follow this winter. Now to convince myself I can like it here. Most days on good days I just tolerate it. I tolerate it by trying to never go to town to do business with the local businesses or box stores which are a joke also as they are scaled down versions of the real thing. Trying to figure out what I will do with my boredom to day. Maybe take a walk and try not to get hit on this road as no one observes speed limits out where I live. I always feel like I'm going to be someones hood ornament. It was so much easier to make peace with it when I was just a seasonal resident and left every three months. Oh I just have to figure out how to cope with the lack of everything except it doesn't lack nature. It is wonderful for photography and to blog about how stupid the town is. I find it amusing at times to watch the people that have been born and never left this area and don't realize there is a world out there. Maybe, I'm stereo-typing but it is so easy to do in this area. I'm stereo-typed all the time in this town being an outsider and also being a lesbian. It is hard to miss the grimaces from some of the small minded people here. Oh well I grimace at the bad hair some of the people have here and the blue eyeshadow on a 50 year old woman with a beehive hair do. Or grimace at the drunks that hang out on the street smoking a cig outside the local dive bar begging for other peoples smokes. Actually, I just feel pity on those people. I guess things could be worse . I better stop getting myself worked up and just accept this shit hole today as it is easier when I tolerate it and not fight it.

Another Day

I have grown very intrigued with the concept of a blog. I haven't much in the past looked at individuals blogs and find them very interesting. I feel out of touch that I haven't in the past jumped on the bandwagon of the personal blog or blog period. I have embraced most things on the Internet and have kept up with the growing trends even though recently I'm very bored with some of them which included facebook,groups, twitter. What most appeals to me about reading blogs is that I find people interesting especially there lives. You can only get so much from a blurb on tweet or facebook. Status updates are so vague. The problem with facebook and twitter updates is that you can get a million little status updates to get anything and not much substance. I like more substance. I also love the idea of writing about things as mundane as they are sometimes. Sometimes, the mundane can tell you plenty about a person also. Most people aren't out there winning Nobel Peace Prizes or doing what some consider meaningful advocacy work. They are just regular people that have regular life's and have some insights.

What I do love about the Internet is a person never has to feel alone with a problem as I'm sure someone suffers from malady somewhere and all over the world. Over the years I have belonged to my fair share of Internet support groups and general groups. Some helpful and some not so helpful. Some of the more helpful ones where just general living. I seem to suffer from a living problem . I have came to that conclusion anyway. Which my mood swings seem to aggravate the way I live my daily life and causes problems at times how I view myself. I either view myself to highly or suffer from low self-esteem.
I was noticing yesterday when I was headed to town to go to the dump that I had a truck full of stuff that needed to be cleared out so I could load it with bags of trash. I was looking at the stuff I was unloading and thinking at the time I just had to have these things that I bought even though they have sat out in the truck (aka) storage shed for a couple of weeks. I came out with a roasting pan, media storage system , Wii, three pairs of shoes, various clothing from storage and previous travels, and finally knick knacks from my previous house. That is just the backseat and not the bed of the truck. Since this move I have been trying to organize this house and not to much avail when I keep bringing more in than I take out. It is real hard to try to combine two households. This house was at full capacity before I moved in. That is putting it nicely:) My partner is a clutterbug and trying now to take strides into improving that problem even though it isn't fast enough for me. Previously we shared two residences in two different countries for going on 7 years and took the plunge to combine them this year. It has been an adjustment for me to be in just one place and not travelling back and forth every three months. With not travelling back and forth I can focus more on just one house which has it's advantages and disadvantages. I miss my old house as it was organized and clutter free. It seemed bigger also. Hard to tell with all the clutter in this house how big it is. Last winter and I continue today to hit road blocks and seem stagnate at times how to progress ahead with clearing out the stuff that is what I term just junk and useless. I want things to be used and not just acquired which is hard when your a bipolar couple. The thing though through my travels back and forth from the states to Canada I learned was I was much less attached to my things. Especially, now with much of my things in storage , I seem not very attached to things what so ever. I do have my favorite things like my computer and music equipment but most things I'm attached to could fit into three bags. I never thought in a million years I could become detached from things. I seem to just want things that enhance my life now than trap me. If it doesn't get used it gets pitched. Which reminds me I need to do more pitching. It is also hard with my mood swings because I swear that someday I will do some type of project and it just never gets opened. I'm still working on it. For the things I cleared out of the truck they will get used but not soon enough . I don't feel like playing any game at the moment as that takes energy. Roasting pan, well I don't feel much like making a roast either. The storage system is great if it will ever get put together. I look at it this way, the first step with dealing with this stuff is just moving it into the house because I will deal with it probably when I get to a better place. That better place isn't coming soon enough though. One thing I have learned about moods they do change . I just don't have a crystal ball to tell when they will. Until then I will just tenderly trudge and make myself do what I can.

Friday, October 16, 2009

What a difference some sunshine can make.

I don't sleep on schedule anymore and have became a vampire. Sleeping during the late day and getting up in the wee hours of the morning. Hell, I'm used to wacky sleep. I'm bipolar and pretty much will get any sleep I can. Before, waiting to see if we would get sun today , I was talking to a friend and realized I'm not so indifferent as I thought I was. It was nice to get a little irritation out of me and not feel so much like a zombie. I also decided to not allow my self fall deeper into the abyss of depression. That I need to take all means necessary even if I don't feel like it. I never feel like doing anything anymore and realize that is an excuse to allow myself stay in the bogs of my despair. It isn't as easy as pulling yourself up by the boot straps but you do have to do things no matter how your feeling and it took me a lot of years to realize that and just not swing with my mood. I'm not totally off the rollercoaster but better at managing it at times. Like I made myself get fresh air today . It was a balmy 29f outside but so gorgeous with sunshine and the morning sunset. I really take the sun for granted except when it doesn't shine. It was so nice to see the frost on the ground and took the dogs for a romp down to the lake. I think they where as excited as I was to get a dry day so far. My depression is far from gone but I can see something bright once in awhile and hope no matter what I wont let my self sink to the bottom and can keep up with the trudging and find something good in life. My goal is to resume some of my plans today to get the house in order and if the weather keeps it up enjoy some of the sunlight. Maybe, go for a jog. It has been awhile since all the rainfall.

Fall Blues

Every season my mood changes with the weather. I suffer from assorted things but one thing that has been bothering me lately is (SAD) Seasonal Affective Disorder. With it being autumn and very rainy at the moment where I live , I have became more depressed lately. Trying to stay motivated but it has been very hard. My mood is as bleak as the grey weather lately. I have no motivation to do anything and have to make myself do the things I need to do in everyday life. It kills me because I have a ton of projects that really need to be done. I have plenty of time but use it to sleep lately. One good thing is that I haven't been negative but lulled into a void of grey where I don't really care one way or another about anything. I'm very much indifferent. Which if you know me I'm not indifferent to anything and pretty much have an opinion on everything. Back to my cave of dark again today as it is always raining and bleak outside. Hoping some sunshine will come my way at least for my mood.