Tuesday, October 27, 2009


My mood is a mixed mood. Which is a mix of depression and mania. I thought I was just suffering from SAD.(Seasonal Affective Disorder) The weather surely isn't helping matters either. When it is bright and sunny I'm up during the day and down in the evening. When it is grey and dark ,I'm bored and up . The evening down and dull like the sky. It has done nothing but rain and rain. It gets real old. Old like my mood. It will change but when I do not know. I was starting to get some sleep like a normal person before my sinus infection. I thought sickness would trigger more of my irregular sleep patterns. I'm now going to bed in the early evening and getting up at about 2-3 in the morning. What does one do so early in the morning, while others sleep? I try to be quiet and it is hard. I read a lot in the morning. I surf the Internet in the wee hours. I would like to do something else but not many things are quiet and wont wake someone up.
Routine is a thing of the past. Structure is a thing of the past in this mood also. I do what I feel like during the day. Sometimes that is a lot and sometimes it is nothing at all. I'm aware that I'm not the master of my moods lately and I need to get it under control. I need to put back some routine and structure into my life as it helps not only my moods but my sanity. I was fortunate to indulge in my photography this week-end and get lost. It was my mood that I was able to even see something to photograph. When I'm up I can see the silver lining in any subject and it speaks to me. It gives me motivation. When I'm down I just see a patch of grass that is dingy from the welting weather of fall. I just see a rodent in the sky , not a wonderful seagull that has alot of expression. It is funny how a bipolar person see's the world. It is either full of possibilities and is bright. Or it is painfully dull and void. It can at times be frightening also. Very much muddled and fragmented.
I just want to get back into a semi-routine. It is hard to get back to that point but I'm sure I will. I have been beating the all or nothing attitude. Which I have most of the time. Life isn't black or white . For me it has a lot of grey to it tinted all sorts of colours at times. It is time for me to just do it and get the things done in my life that I grapple with. It is hard and sometimes impossible for me to do. I trudge and trudge in the trench of this illness at times . The thing is I don't give up and I keep trudging until I get out of the trench of what ever is going on.


  1. A few years again I bought one of those light boxes for SAD which has been pretty helpful in that regard. It's just unfortunate that the bipolar and the BPD then take over instead :-/

    Anyway, I hear you re: the mixed mood. For me it's definitely the worst part of bipolar; when you're utterly depressed, you don't have the energy to do much, when (hypo)manic, life (in the main) seems brighter. But mixed episodes are dangerous, and feel bloody awful!

    Hope you overcome it soon. All the best to you.

  2. I need to check out a light box. I'm not to sure where to find one but I will google it and check into it. I'm going to start cod liver oil as a source of Vitamin D since Im not getting to much sun at the moment. It has been raining all the time and moving into winter.
    Yeah, I agree with you , It is the worse mood out of the spectrum.

  3. I got mine from http://www.lumie.com. I'm not sure whereabouts you are, but as far as I know they ship internationally anyway. They're not cheap, but they do last a long time and make some difference.

  4. oh, the mixed moods. I'm stable now and it's good, although it's boring. My doctor tells me that my life is normal now. I think I miss the mania some.