Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I have been thinking about blogging. I have had a lot emotionally going on. My head lately has been on the muddled side and fragmented to an extend. I think in incomplete sentences lately. it doesn't much make for a good blog post. It doesn't hurt my head that much as I deal with it and pretty much live in my own head. You would need to know me well to get me when my mind is like this in person .

, I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house. I have been actually having success with list. Generally, I don't have any success with them. I have broke down big jobs down to little things and it helps my muddle brain stay on track about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, I get so distracted I do other things that aren't on my list that also need to get done. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can mark the things on my list done. I'm in the mist of trying to get everything organized and super clean in my house and in my life. In the last year I have let everything go to hell. It truly isn't like me to let everything go to hell either no matter what kind of space I'm emotionally or physically. But it is time to move on and pick up the pieces and be more motivated even when I lack it. I think it is more depressing to just give up like I have. Giving up grows on its self. I still trudge but at least I'm not sinking completely. I still have my days with my grief but gradually it is getting better. In no way it is perfect as nothing in life is. I guess I wish life at times would be a little bit more cut and dry. It isn't especially if your Bipolar. It can be interesting. Some days, I vacillate from taking care of myself lately with running and swimming, eating right and doing all the right things to getting stupid drunk and making an ass out of myself. Over indulging on consumption of the computer also to hide from life. I have liked distraction and have been trying to get out of it. I cancelled one of my facebook accounts that I was active on. I have moderated my drinking more so it isn't so out of control when I'm triggered by anxiety or whatever.

It hasn't been near perfect but I'm slowly learning to deal with what I have been dealt lately. I have been under extreme stress with many things. Some to lengthy to really get into and same of the same ole shit. I just want to start to be not so extreme in anything I do and have more of a balance. I have a hard time with an all or nothing attitude at times. Life comes up all the time and I just need to deal with it the best I can. It seems when I try to get structured I fret if I don't do the same things day after day.

I have went on rambling to long.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hodge Podge

It is a nice cool morning. It is about 58F. it looks like it is going to rain. I put off my run this morning to it gets a little sunnier and most of the cars have went to work. I don't want to be a hood ornament. I have been trying to get back into running even though it has been tough for me to A) Make myself B) I need to work up my endurance . Right now my fast pace looks more like jogging. I'm just proud of myself for making myself. I never used to have to make myself run at one time. I loved it.

I have ordered some barefoot running shoes. I'm looking forward to them. They stimulate barefoot running without cutting your feet to shreds trying without protection. I have probably mentioned I hate shoes and socks. I wear socks every once in awhile or to a doctors appointment and that's it. Not even in the winter. I do like slippers though to keep my feet warm. I'm wearing my Aladdin slippers now. They really look like those cartoon slippers that are pointy. I got them when I went to art in the park this year but have been to hot to wear until recently. The artist that did them takes recycled everything to make other things. My slippers are made out of leather, upholstery and some sleeve off a jacket for my ankle. They are really whimsical. I'm a real sucker for anything whimsical. It makes me smile. Even the shoes I have ordered are three different colours.

I have been feeling better since I have spoke about my anger to J and resentments. It also makes me see I need to change and just do what I want even if it takes some pushing on my part. I have already looked up the weather for this week and decided from Friday to Monday is a good time to get a couple of games of golf in. Before the dogs died last year I played at least two -three times a week and had a membership to the golf club. This year I haven't even picked up my bag. It should be interesting how rusty I'm. I no longer take score and just try to improve my swing and have fun. I just compete with myself anymore. The more I take it serious and I'm not relaxed the worse of a game I have. I have no fun either.It is one way I don't take myself seriously anymore. Fun is way more important to me.

On the cleaning. I'm making a dent in this house but have a ton to do to get it organized like I would love it. My dead line is winter to get some stuff fixed also. I would love to redo my kitchen and bathroom. This week I will go price flooring and appliances. I actually have some money in a savings account for the kitchen even though it is a start it probably won't be enough and I will at least start some of it in the kitchen. The bathroom, we have some money we hope we can touch in a locked savings account and not have to pay a sizable penalty to get at it. The bathroom is just falling apart and really need to redo it asap. My home used to be my castle. I want it back to castle status. I spend the majority of my time around the house and backyard. I'm also trying to figure out how to justify a treadmill.

With the cooler weather, I'm getting a nesting instinct and even find myself cooking more. I'm nesting for winter. Winters can be hard and cold. I just really like cool and cold weather and it makes me more energetic.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I really don't know exactly what to write about so I will just let my mind flow. I have been sort of flat the past couple of days. I slept all day yesterday just to wake up to see a lame movie on TV then drift back to sleep. I love lazy week-ends where I do nothing at all except eat and sleep. It is very relaxing for me.

Most of time I feel a little overwhelmed with life and sometimes pretty angry with some of the things that have been going on with my relationship with J. J is gone for 4 days and is expected back Monday. Part of me is so glad J is gone that means less work and aggravation. I have no one to wait on except myself. No one to argue with except people on my facebook. It really is actually nice. Part of me is very pissed at J for being so worthless around the house but can do a 4 day hobby and function. J doesn't function very well around the house and is always bitching about mood or something physical. If I don't do it around the house it doesn't get done period. I have stopped asking J to do anything and the very few things that I ask J to do J forgets. It is always about J's mental illness. Switching pills etc. To be honest nothing has worked very well with J. J doesn't realize a pill isn't a cure. You have to do the hard stuff also like take care of yourself , be proactive etc. Sitting on the couch day after day won't do it.

It is a nice vacation away from J. My company is better to be honest. The TV isn't on 24 hours a day. I don't have to wait till a programme is over to do something or schedule something around a TV programme etc. I have been a little board though because I don't have a car to do anything and feel a little trapped. I could be getting more done with a car also doing errands. I have noticed being by myself how isolated I'm and I'm going to have to change that and get more involved with activities and start just doing things by myself even if I have to ride J's ass to give me a ride.It is pretty amazing to me that I was an avid golfer and haven't golfed once this year. I think I will golf next week. I really hate my isolated existence. Something has to blow over and it starts with me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I'm waking up and wondering where to start my morning. I have a ton to do and prepare for. I have a camping trip to prepare for in about 2 1/2 weeks up around Lake Superior. I was excited about it until I started thinking about all the planning and work associated with it. I try to add to my list with it as much as I can with the camping trip .

It is a very much needed trip up north. I need the peace, quiet, smell of pine , sound of crashing waves and chilly mornings. I went up North last year to clear my mind and unclutter my soul. I have been carrying around a lot of grief, sadness and just everyday crap. I have been trying to unload all that keeps me down . I need to just be and relax. I won't have t.v or computer, phone, Internet etc. It is going to be nice except that I'm addicted to my computer. I have a cell phone but it doesn't have any bars. It is a dead zone. Part of me doesn't like that at all and I really doubt the provincial park has wifi(lol) I'm easily distracted and hopefully my distractions will be with a red squirrel throwing pine cones out of trees. Or if I really want to be kept on my feet a park bear. Not the agitation of electronic devices and phones.

I plan on still writing in my journal and sending letters and postcards to a few people. I had so much fun with regular pen and paper up north last year even though I stayed at motels and had wifi. I haven't camped up north in awhile. Several years and never during the fall but in the summer. The trees are wonderful and start to turn in September. Awesome oranges, and reds in different variations. It is a breath taking sight. It is breath taking anyway past Sault Ste. Marie. I always love how many places you can explore around Lake Superior up to Thunder Bay. Not going to make it that far with the prices of gas the way it is. We will go to a provincial park called Pancake Bay. Not going to be camping in a tent either. We have a pop up but don't hook up so it is more like camping. It usually is rainy that time of year but you never know. I'm hoping for a Indian summer. It has been unusually warm this year .

It is sort of funny that I live in so called North(tourist trap) even though I think it really is central Ontario and have to escape this place to get a Holiday up even farther up north. It is nice to get away from tourist hell even though most go home when the kids start school after Labour Day and the others go home after Canadian Thanksgiving. I look forward to be a tourist for once and will not be rude like some of them can be. I have seen demanding tourist in the area I'm going to also. It really is ugly no matter where you are to be a total jack ass to people that live in an area . When asked where I'm from and J is from and we say, They are like your Ok. What they don't like is people from the GTA or TO. I seem not to blame them because we get those same people where I live. Seems like the stereo type fits most of the time. Or the bad apples seem to enforce that horrible stereo type of rude, difficult and demanding.

Anyways, I'm sort of looking forward to the trip and even on some days like the planning.

Friday, August 5, 2011


I thought I would update this blog with a new entry since I have been not updating in awhile. I have been very busy with life. It might be a short update since blogger is giving me problems. My mood has pretty much leveled out and is getting better. I still have my moments. Life has been a little crazy with all the doctor appointments I have. I have one more appointment left with wearing the ekg holter monitor and I will be done with it. I have worn it twice so far and have to get up at the crack of dawn to give it back. The annoying part is getting up at the crack of dawn to give it back the next day.

I have been exercising a lot lately also. Mostly, swimming and jogging. The jogging is a little bit of a joke. It looks more like fast pace walking. I'm really out of shape and it is just coming back to me. I have not jogged more than a couple of times in the last year due to various reasons. I noticed exercising real helps with my joint and muscle pain. It doesn't feel great at the time but it seems like I have more mobility. I try to exercise at least a half an hour a day now. It helps me emotionally also. It seems to clear some of the cob-webs from my brain and stay more focused. It has been great for anxiety also. I have really been trying to take care of myself.

I also have been hard at work with cleaning and decluttering. I really hate a junked up house and dirty house. To chaotic for me. It is hard to declutter when it isn't your stuff to get rid of. It is J's stuff and it needs to go. I have been getting rid of junk for about 3 years now and barely have even scratched the surface with everything that needs to go. It has been a long process trying to get J on board with getting useless clutter out of here. It is a slow process but it is finally happening more and more. I actually hung some of my art work in the house. I really don't have much of my stuff in this house even though I have lived here for awhile permanently and not off and on. My stuff still occupies a storage locker.

Anyway, I will see if blogger will work at all and I won't loose the little I wrote. I promise I will start to update more.


I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.

I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.

The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.