Friday, August 5, 2011


I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.

I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.

The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.


  1. Oh, how utterly awful! I'm so sad to hear that you've been going through this.
    Yes, meds can be our friends. But, sometimes, they turn out to be terrible enemies, which you only discover in about the middle of the process. They can really rain on your reality.
    Hope you are feeling much better, very soon.
    Blessings and Bear hugs in the midst of all this "stuff'!

  2. Oh no, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with all this. It sounds worse than i could imagine. Although, I was a mental rut so similar to this before, so I really empathize with you :( I used to have to take blood pressure pills to ward off lithium side effects. It was truly an awful experience, but luckily got better with time. They caused me (among other things) night terrors, every night, they seemed like living nightmares and I wad petrified of going to sleep. Apparently they affect heat distribution which affects REM sleep and therefore dreams. It went away after a few hellish weeks. I hope what you are enduring goes away soon. You're such a strong lady, I have faith you will get through this.. hugs..xo

  3. That sounds just awful girl. I am curious what the name of the blood pressure med is. I take Toporol and two weeks ago my doctor doubled the dose and I felt just like you are describing. Maybe the dose is to high. We cut mine in half. But you are spot on with how you described the side effects. I wish you all the best Kristy and I hope you call the doctor to get the med sorted out.

  4. Thanks for the concern Rob, Jan , In the pink. I have now been on three different blood pressure meds. First, the one you where on Afton. It made me so tired and was awful. The next was a diuretic that sent me to the hospital with low potassium levels. This last one is called coversyl. I think it raised my potassium to much. Excellent for knocking the blood pressure down though. I never in a million years thought I would struggle so much finding a blood pressure med. Part of my problems is I have three doctors that don't communicate very well at the moment. I'm going to wait to do what my GP wants as he is more cautious than the other ones with my health. I have more testing this month and hopefully it will sort it's self out.