I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.
I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.
The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.