I really don't feel like writing. I will give an update. My Father and grandmother died. I expected my grandmother to die as she was almost 93 and on hospice. My father I didn't expect to die and it was unexpected. He passed June 5th. The week long saga with my father in the hospital felt like a million years. I had a drunken melt down and have been doing Ok now. Slowly, I'm getting back to life. I'm getting back to where I drink less. I'm still drinking to much right now and I know it and will do something about it in the near future. I really don't need any lectures. I'm having a hard time in the evening and cry a lot in the night. I do get to sleep but it is after I have held it together all day.
I have just ton of crap to get done and very slowly it is getting done. A ton isn't getting done. I'm barely eating because I can't be bothered to cook or deal with it. I did finally get my ass to the grocery store so hopefully I will have a vegetrain meal of some form of Ratouille. It is very easy on the stomach. My stomach has been in knots. I'm back to hating food which isn't good. It is nice to lose weight though. This just isn't the right way to do it. I will gradually get back to food and have a normal relationship with it. Basically, I have no structure in my life and I need to find a balance in the near future. I'm hanging mentally by a thread. I do know logically it will all work out and I just need time. Everything will get back to normal. I tell myself that and I gain some solice thinking that. I'm not looking forward to my journey with my grief with my father. I sorted out my grandmother emotionally and I'm in a good place with that. I really feel defeated at the moment in my life. Actually, I have had it and can't handle anymore shit. I have had my fill in the past year.
Hopefully, today, I will pick up my laundry from the laundry mat. I had them do it. I will eat a decent meal and not fastfood or nothing at all. I won't do a booze diet. I will deal with some basic life problems such as paying bills, my health(walk) and this messy house that looks like a bomb of beer and wine bottles have went off. I need to start making list again as my brain isn't present. Slowly but surely , I will get back to the basic things people do everyday. I will even slowly get back to enjoying life. It really can be so short for some people and I want to enjoy it.
Showing posts with label Coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coping. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Ouch
I have been basically been living on the couch for about the last four or five days in a hazy painful fog. I managed to develop dry socket. It finally donned on me today to use some oral jel pm which is like paste in my tooth socket. It was wonderful and most of the pain went all away. I was thinking about going back to the denist to get my socket packed but the thought of seating in his office for along time as he is so packed and backlogged didn't appeal to me. It has felt like I have had a nasty flu on top of it. I think the nasty flu feeling came from breaking down and using the pain pills. I thought i was taking darvocet and looked at the bottle after a few days and it wasn't darvocet but oxycodone. It totally wiped me out and made me very sick to my stomach and very itchy. Made my head feel funny also like it was numb. It is very efficent with pain though so I broke down and put up with all the side-effects. I'm glad I ran out of it though. It made me so constipated that I ended up having to take some laxative. Oh the joys of naroctics.
Since, I google everything , I googled dry socket. I had it years ago getting my wisdom teeth took out. It basically is a condition that is a matter of time to heal and not much can be done except packing the socket which takes away the pain. The tissue from what I understand generates in seven days. My head and jaw has felt like it could fall off or explode. It has very much limited what I could tolerate to eat and keep down. Between the pain pills and the dry socket I lost 5lbs in a week. I was convinced if I could get a solid meal down me I would feel so much better. I was right. Sometimes, illness and pain causes other problems and it ends up a train wreck. Or for me on the couch for days to sick and in pain to do anything. I'm not to upset to lose weight as I needed to lose it. I have actually for some reason started losing weight about for the last two months. I just don't care for food as much. Just some cutting sweets out and a few other things here and there has been a drop of about 15lbs. I have been cutting salt out for the past month and it seems to have helped also. Maybe , not retaining the water that I was retaining. I think that really has to do with the blood pressure meds I have been on also has helped. My feet used to be swollen a lot and are never swollen anymore.
Anyways, I hate pain and being sick. I was such on track before this and I feel so disorganized, at a lost to where to pick back up again. The house looks like a bomb has went off and I just shake my head. It is amazing how thinks can snowball in a week to being a disaster zone. It is very overwhelming. Everything goes to hell around here real bad when I'm not well. Some anger creeps in about how everything goes to hell with J. J is so little help when I'm sick or in pain. Nothing stays remotely picked up or anything. I'm lucky if I get fed when I'm sick. Or it is on J's time. I'm told after I finish this 2nd smoke or whatever. I'm not into waiting a half an hour for something when I want it. It was very patheic the lack of everything that wasn't done this past week and I'm pretty mad about it. I actually started to get extremely cranky about it a couple of days ago. I rarely ask J to take care of anything and when I do I'm totally let down. It does me no good to discuss it with J at the moment either. J is a total mental wreck. I can be a total mental wreck and suck it up and do what needs to be done when someone needs me but J can't it just overwhelms J more to have demands made. J thinks that J is doing more around the house. Yeah, J is but it just really is not enough. Compared to what J used to do for the last four years which was basically nothing , it is an improvement. It is so frustrating for me though. I have been learning the art of letting go . I feel defeated with any standard of anything around this house or life and it reinforces the reason why I don't rely on anyone. It is very sad at times. I have told myself it will get better and for four years it just is starting to improve a little. I got to a point a longtime ago that if it improves it will be nice but if it doesn't I didn't care anyways. It is easy to think that way when you don't have to rely on someone to do anything. I have had to rely on J much more since I have had a heart attack. I'm so looking forward to going to the doctor next week to start getting back to the physical level and doing things on my own like I was before. This month has sucked in many ways but has opened my eyes also. My at peace feeling is leaving me and I need to figure out how to get back to it. Probaly because I haven't took care of myself in the past week and have been to cranky and in pain to be bothered.
Since, I google everything , I googled dry socket. I had it years ago getting my wisdom teeth took out. It basically is a condition that is a matter of time to heal and not much can be done except packing the socket which takes away the pain. The tissue from what I understand generates in seven days. My head and jaw has felt like it could fall off or explode. It has very much limited what I could tolerate to eat and keep down. Between the pain pills and the dry socket I lost 5lbs in a week. I was convinced if I could get a solid meal down me I would feel so much better. I was right. Sometimes, illness and pain causes other problems and it ends up a train wreck. Or for me on the couch for days to sick and in pain to do anything. I'm not to upset to lose weight as I needed to lose it. I have actually for some reason started losing weight about for the last two months. I just don't care for food as much. Just some cutting sweets out and a few other things here and there has been a drop of about 15lbs. I have been cutting salt out for the past month and it seems to have helped also. Maybe , not retaining the water that I was retaining. I think that really has to do with the blood pressure meds I have been on also has helped. My feet used to be swollen a lot and are never swollen anymore.
Anyways, I hate pain and being sick. I was such on track before this and I feel so disorganized, at a lost to where to pick back up again. The house looks like a bomb has went off and I just shake my head. It is amazing how thinks can snowball in a week to being a disaster zone. It is very overwhelming. Everything goes to hell around here real bad when I'm not well. Some anger creeps in about how everything goes to hell with J. J is so little help when I'm sick or in pain. Nothing stays remotely picked up or anything. I'm lucky if I get fed when I'm sick. Or it is on J's time. I'm told after I finish this 2nd smoke or whatever. I'm not into waiting a half an hour for something when I want it. It was very patheic the lack of everything that wasn't done this past week and I'm pretty mad about it. I actually started to get extremely cranky about it a couple of days ago. I rarely ask J to take care of anything and when I do I'm totally let down. It does me no good to discuss it with J at the moment either. J is a total mental wreck. I can be a total mental wreck and suck it up and do what needs to be done when someone needs me but J can't it just overwhelms J more to have demands made. J thinks that J is doing more around the house. Yeah, J is but it just really is not enough. Compared to what J used to do for the last four years which was basically nothing , it is an improvement. It is so frustrating for me though. I have been learning the art of letting go . I feel defeated with any standard of anything around this house or life and it reinforces the reason why I don't rely on anyone. It is very sad at times. I have told myself it will get better and for four years it just is starting to improve a little. I got to a point a longtime ago that if it improves it will be nice but if it doesn't I didn't care anyways. It is easy to think that way when you don't have to rely on someone to do anything. I have had to rely on J much more since I have had a heart attack. I'm so looking forward to going to the doctor next week to start getting back to the physical level and doing things on my own like I was before. This month has sucked in many ways but has opened my eyes also. My at peace feeling is leaving me and I need to figure out how to get back to it. Probaly because I haven't took care of myself in the past week and have been to cranky and in pain to be bothered.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Grand Illusion
I'm still in my mixed state of crap. I really don't even know if I want to post but my brain is busy and my body isn't. I have felt like snapping lately. I'm overly bitchy and sharp. I really don't have patients of any sort at the moment for anything. I muster up some patients everyday for Daisy the puppy. I'm about to lose it fast with her also. I feel like running away. Actually, I'm great with running away from anything and anyone. I guess I have stopped running since I moved to another country. I don't have many places at the moment to run to to escape my insanity.
I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.
I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.
One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.
I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.
I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.
One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Good and Bad
On a good note, I have started to battle some of my depression. Baby steps have been applied to my life. I started to get out of the house. That started last week. I have been continuing that aspect as much as I can. I went shopping yesterday and actually didn't mind it. I also got my hair done . I love getting my hair done. Nothing like a good shampooing and massage to the scalp. The stress totally leaves me and makes me a happy camper.I shopped for more exercise clothes. I was thinking it might get me back on track. Since, it has felt like I have derailed this past last month. I also was pricing a new stove top for the kitchen and realized , I'm going to have to shop harder as the one place I went I didn't like the price. Which translates I'm going to have to order it via Internet or drive a distance. Sometimes, it really sucks to live in a rural area. The selection is just not there.
Last week, we went and visited my in-laws. To be honest it was more like checking up on their well- being. They are 90 years old. It always leaves me wanting to bang my head into a wall. They really need to be in a nursing home. They are hanging on by a thread. My mother in law has senile dementia and my father in law can hardly walk. My father in law makes all the decisions and lack of good ones in my opinion. He is very difficult for me to get along with as he is very stubborn and very argumentative. It lives me not talking much and just observing. I also get mad at J for not pushing them more to get more care. J and her brother don't want to step on toes. Well, I step on toes and wouldn't mind shaking things up. No, I'm suppose to bite my tongue about anything they do and that includes J's father treating me like shit and being in my opinion treating J lesser than the rest of anyone in J's family. Sometimes, I feel J's family is ungrateful as we travel aways to see them and help them. We also spend a ton also. We pay for most of the meals and have to pay for our lodging also. That doesn't even include gas. For as much as we pay we could have a nice mini-vacation of three days , anywhere in Ontario . So it chaps my ass, when they aren't grateful. I have been sort of ranting about J's parents for about two days. Mostly, in my head as it isn't nice to rant about someones elderly parents even if they are a huge pain in the ass. I always suck it up and I'm nice out of duty. Even booked another trip next month to help out and visit . Whether I'm in the mood or not. I will suck it up like I usually do and make my way to the hotel lounge and make the bitter taste in my mouth go down with a double of scotch.
Today, I'm going to not let this eat me as I can't change people and the only person I can change is me. Hopefully, I will make an appointment for a personal trainer to get me ready for the ski season and some help rehabbing a past injured shoulder. Several years ago , I tore a rotary cuff. I really need more aerobic activity also. I know how to exercise but it also helps me to get a firm schedule of what I need to do to get stronger in my core and legs . It cuts down on injuries when down-hill skiing when you are in shape. I need at least 8 weeks of fitness training. I have heard in might be a earlier winter and I want to be ready this year before the SAD seats in. I want to be locked into a proper schedule so I don't flounder.
Last week, we went and visited my in-laws. To be honest it was more like checking up on their well- being. They are 90 years old. It always leaves me wanting to bang my head into a wall. They really need to be in a nursing home. They are hanging on by a thread. My mother in law has senile dementia and my father in law can hardly walk. My father in law makes all the decisions and lack of good ones in my opinion. He is very difficult for me to get along with as he is very stubborn and very argumentative. It lives me not talking much and just observing. I also get mad at J for not pushing them more to get more care. J and her brother don't want to step on toes. Well, I step on toes and wouldn't mind shaking things up. No, I'm suppose to bite my tongue about anything they do and that includes J's father treating me like shit and being in my opinion treating J lesser than the rest of anyone in J's family. Sometimes, I feel J's family is ungrateful as we travel aways to see them and help them. We also spend a ton also. We pay for most of the meals and have to pay for our lodging also. That doesn't even include gas. For as much as we pay we could have a nice mini-vacation of three days , anywhere in Ontario . So it chaps my ass, when they aren't grateful. I have been sort of ranting about J's parents for about two days. Mostly, in my head as it isn't nice to rant about someones elderly parents even if they are a huge pain in the ass. I always suck it up and I'm nice out of duty. Even booked another trip next month to help out and visit . Whether I'm in the mood or not. I will suck it up like I usually do and make my way to the hotel lounge and make the bitter taste in my mouth go down with a double of scotch.
Today, I'm going to not let this eat me as I can't change people and the only person I can change is me. Hopefully, I will make an appointment for a personal trainer to get me ready for the ski season and some help rehabbing a past injured shoulder. Several years ago , I tore a rotary cuff. I really need more aerobic activity also. I know how to exercise but it also helps me to get a firm schedule of what I need to do to get stronger in my core and legs . It cuts down on injuries when down-hill skiing when you are in shape. I need at least 8 weeks of fitness training. I have heard in might be a earlier winter and I want to be ready this year before the SAD seats in. I want to be locked into a proper schedule so I don't flounder.
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