Coping

I really don't feel like writing. I will give an update. My Father and grandmother died. I expected my grandmother to die as she was almost 93 and on hospice. My father I didn't expect to die and it was unexpected. He passed June 5th. The week long saga with my father in the hospital felt like a million years. I had a drunken melt down and have been doing Ok now. Slowly, I'm getting back to life. I'm getting back to where I drink less. I'm still drinking to much right now and I know it and will do something about it in the near future. I really don't need any lectures. I'm having a hard time in the evening and cry a lot in the night. I do get to sleep but it is after I have held it together all day.

I have just ton of crap to get done and very slowly it is getting done. A ton isn't getting done. I'm barely eating because I can't be bothered to cook or deal with it. I did finally get my ass to the grocery store so hopefully I will have a vegetrain meal of some form of Ratouille. It is very easy on the stomach. My stomach has been in knots. I'm back to hating food which isn't good. It is nice to lose weight though. This just isn't the right way to do it. I will gradually get back to food and have a normal relationship with it. Basically, I have no structure in my life and I need to find a balance in the near future. I'm hanging mentally by a thread. I do know logically it will all work out and I just need time. Everything will get back to normal. I tell myself that and I gain some solice thinking that. I'm not looking forward to my journey with my grief with my father. I sorted out my grandmother emotionally and I'm in a good place with that. I really feel defeated at the moment in my life. Actually, I have had it and can't handle anymore shit. I have had my fill in the past year.

Hopefully, today, I will pick up my laundry from the laundry mat. I had them do it. I will eat a decent meal and not fastfood or nothing at all. I won't do a booze diet. I will deal with some basic life problems such as paying bills, my health(walk) and this messy house that looks like a bomb of beer and wine bottles have went off. I need to start making list again as my brain isn't present. Slowly but surely , I will get back to the basic things people do everyday. I will even slowly get back to enjoying life. It really can be so short for some people and I want to enjoy it.