Waiting for the phone

I wait patiently for the dreaded phone call from the chaplain at the hospital to inform me that my father is dead. It has got to that now. They have resustated him to times yesterday and finally put in a ventilator. The hospital asked for his next of kin which is me. I'm not there so they will call if they need anything. My mother isn't legally married to my father and unlike Canada they have no laws for common law marriage. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried had another family got divorced then several years later started up a relationship with my father for the next 20 plus years. I hate explaining my family as it is weird but normal to me. Legally, though she is screwed and that is why I'm his next of kin because I'm his only child. So, I have the nice task of releasing his body to the funeral home and making funeral plans over a thousand miles away on a phone.
I sleep with the phone as I have been warned that I probaly will get that dreaded call. I have both my homephone and cell charged for that dreaded call. I'm not flying back as it probaly wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't make it in time either. I have no one to pick me up at the airport either. That was my fathers job to do that with family. Nothing like the five hour drive to the airport and back. Everything is complicated with my grandmother dying and someone always has to be with her as she is on the final stages of dying. Anyway, my father has always informed everyone if he shall die he will have no funeral and will be cremated. He in no way wants anyone to come, period... I will respect his wishes. Even though he has never considered other peoples wishes. He is an odd fellow. Before, he really took a turn for the worst, I called to talk to him at the hospital to see how he was doing. He couldn't be bothered to talk to me. I just thought it was being him. I said it sounds like you don't want to talk. He said NO and I said I love you and he said it back. That was the last time I spoke to my father. The reason at the time he was worried about my phone bill. Did I give a fuck about my phone bill? Hell, No. Will, I probaly ever talk to my father again and the answer is probaly not. Will we ever talk about the fluff we talked about probaly not. It isn't like we ever spoke about anything serious as he never went there. But I will miss our talk about our animals or his weird rants. He was bipolar also.

I'have to just go on today with my regular life to find any sanity. I have to get out of this house today as it is starting to choke the air out of me. I have to get the sun on my skin and the fresh air in my lungs. I have to get something decent to eat today. I need to feel something except this numbness and horrible surreal feeling.