Thursday, May 19, 2011


I have been basically been living on the couch for about the last four or five days in a hazy painful fog. I managed to develop dry socket. It finally donned on me today to use some oral jel pm which is like paste in my tooth socket. It was wonderful and most of the pain went all away. I was thinking about going back to the denist to get my socket packed but the thought of seating in his office for along time as he is so packed and backlogged didn't appeal to me. It has felt like I have had a nasty flu on top of it. I think the nasty flu feeling came from breaking down and using the pain pills. I thought i was taking darvocet and looked at the bottle after a few days and it wasn't darvocet but oxycodone. It totally wiped me out and made me very sick to my stomach and very itchy. Made my head feel funny also like it was numb. It is very efficent with pain though so I broke down and put up with all the side-effects. I'm glad I ran out of it though. It made me so constipated that I ended up having to take some laxative. Oh the joys of naroctics.

Since, I google everything , I googled dry socket. I had it years ago getting my wisdom teeth took out. It basically is a condition that is a matter of time to heal and not much can be done except packing the socket which takes away the pain. The tissue from what I understand generates in seven days. My head and jaw has felt like it could fall off or explode. It has very much limited what I could tolerate to eat and keep down. Between the pain pills and the dry socket I lost 5lbs in a week. I was convinced if I could get a solid meal down me I would feel so much better. I was right. Sometimes, illness and pain causes other problems and it ends up a train wreck. Or for me on the couch for days to sick and in pain to do anything. I'm not to upset to lose weight as I needed to lose it. I have actually for some reason started losing weight about for the last two months. I just don't care for food as much. Just some cutting sweets out and a few other things here and there has been a drop of about 15lbs. I have been cutting salt out for the past month and it seems to have helped also. Maybe , not retaining the water that I was retaining. I think that really has to do with the blood pressure meds I have been on also has helped. My feet used to be swollen a lot and are never swollen anymore.

Anyways, I hate pain and being sick. I was such on track before this and I feel so disorganized, at a lost to where to pick back up again. The house looks like a bomb has went off and I just shake my head. It is amazing how thinks can snowball in a week to being a disaster zone. It is very overwhelming. Everything goes to hell around here real bad when I'm not well. Some anger creeps in about how everything goes to hell with J. J is so little help when I'm sick or in pain. Nothing stays remotely picked up or anything. I'm lucky if I get fed when I'm sick. Or it is on J's time. I'm told after I finish this 2nd smoke or whatever. I'm not into waiting a half an hour for something when I want it. It was very patheic the lack of everything that wasn't done this past week and I'm pretty mad about it. I actually started to get extremely cranky about it a couple of days ago. I rarely ask J to take care of anything and when I do I'm totally let down. It does me no good to discuss it with J at the moment either. J is a total mental wreck. I can be a total mental wreck and suck it up and do what needs to be done when someone needs me but J can't it just overwhelms J more to have demands made. J thinks that J is doing more around the house. Yeah, J is but it just really is not enough. Compared to what J used to do for the last four years which was basically nothing , it is an improvement. It is so frustrating for me though. I have been learning the art of letting go . I feel defeated with any standard of anything around this house or life and it reinforces the reason why I don't rely on anyone. It is very sad at times. I have told myself it will get better and for four years it just is starting to improve a little. I got to a point a longtime ago that if it improves it will be nice but if it doesn't I didn't care anyways. It is easy to think that way when you don't have to rely on someone to do anything. I have had to rely on J much more since I have had a heart attack. I'm so looking forward to going to the doctor next week to start getting back to the physical level and doing things on my own like I was before. This month has sucked in many ways but has opened my eyes also. My at peace feeling is leaving me and I need to figure out how to get back to it. Probaly because I haven't took care of myself in the past week and have been to cranky and in pain to be bothered.

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