It has been a wacky time since I have last posted. I feel like I have been in a black hole of some sort. The days have been dragging into crap day after day and have been a l ittle numbing. J still has her medical stuff going on. It has been horrible trying to find a right dose or medication to control J's blood pressure. We haven't went out much because I don't drive and J is so dizzy, tired and just feels real flu like. I have been out like once in 9 days and I'm getting cabin fever pretty bad. Plus, I just have a ton of stuff to do. I just shake my head at what to do since I live pretty far from town and can't get to it. I tell J it is totally unacceptable that the med makes J not be able to drive. J doesn't listen to me but the nurse. The nurse pisses me off because the med has not done much except make J lazier than J was before and very tired, dizzy etc. It also doesn't do much in controlling the blood pressure. It is all over the place and never stable. J is also suppose to go on a diet and lose a ton of weight. I see that is impossible if J can't get J's ass off the couch. I really don't have a weight problem like J. I have had to research diabetic diets and portions. Which I will stop doing because it is J's responsibility. I cook three times a day now and it isn't something I really like to do. Once a day is more my thing.(dinner) Fend for yourself the rest of the day kind of thing. I told J that J is responsible for the snacks that J is suppose to have. I really do have enough on my plate without J being a helpless zombie. I don't really know what to do about it. I really am getting frustrated by not being able to do what I need to do. (lack of transportation)
The biggest thing is J seems not to care. It was bad before all this about J's health came out but it really has got to the point J does literally nothing except seat on the couch all day and watch tv for hours. I'm about ready to explode on J. I'm also sick of babysitting a 60 year old. I have learned one thing the more I do the more shit gets dumped on me. Point is the fiances. I had that totally dumped on my lap this month. The other day I was asked what is the various accounts doing. I sort of looked at J like what are you talking about . J can check any of those anytime with the computer. I said I don't know why don't you look yourself. Then I was informed I thought you where handling the money. That was news to me. I guess J has jumped off a sinking ship . Are finances have been sort of a mess since all the remodeling. I get to figure out how to fix all this shit. Which I will with my creative budgeting. It is like pulling a rabbit out of my ass. I will make it work by really cutting something. What i don't know. I'm barely above water and treading water. We have a appointment which has been changed two times with a financial advisor at the bank. One time the bank. One time me. I just didn't feel like getting a lecture yesterday. Also, all the blah , blah ,blah you have money but you don't shit. It is frustrating when you have most of your money locked into something and will have to take a penalty but then get a lecture about how you going to pay this and this back and you say oh that locked in thing that is maturing and get another lecture you cant do that because it will still be a penalty. Also, the thing about can you think about how long you can possible live and will that money help you into your golden years bs. I have no idea how many years I'm going to live or J is going to live but I know quote planning on the wonderful golden years is speech is driving us nuts because we are in debt up to our eyeballs and are worth more money wise dead. Which we really don't care to give anyone our money when we die. We need it now to make life not so hectic and stressful.
On a better note I finally got my treadmill in at the store and just need it to be delivered. Someone will deliver it Friday or Saturday. I have a ton to clear out to give it a home. I have been procrastinating on that one and plan on working my butt off the next couple of days to make room for it. I really can't wait to run and walk on it. I really need a better stress release. It has been very cold her lately and finally has started snowing like it should. I will be toasty warm inside now. If i ever get the motivation to put the thing together. If I don't I will hire someone to do it so it doesn't sit in a box for months. I'm not a very handy person when it comes to putting things together. I'm basically two thumbs. I do better at electronics or anything else when it comes to the home. I rather lift that treadmill than put it together. I could have J to do it but J won't get off J's ass to do anything.
I need to learn how to detach real soon again because I'm pretty pissed off.
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, September 26, 2011
Hurt
I have in the last week got my feeling hurt. It also has made me put up a wall where my mother is concerned. Since my father has passed away I thought we where getting closer. She calls me almost everyday with her grief and uses me as a free therapist. Sometimes, it is overwhelming and sometimes I'm happy to talk to her. I'm a shoulder per say because she is lonely. I have always for the most part been the rock.
The problem is when I needed her she wasn't there for me. Which is a giant trigger for me because she seems not to be their when I need her. What hurt the most was I thought she had changed through this experience. Oh, I was wrong.
We are in the midst, of getting remodeling done on our home. It takes a boat load of money that we don't have. Some of those repairs need to be made before the snow also. We went to the bank to try to dip into some of J's investments but they are locked in till next year. The bathroom won't wait till January. So, we had to apply for a credit card with interest. We are up to debt to our eyeballs with our other one. So, that evening I called my mother asking her if I could borrow 10 grand. Which really isn't anything for my mother. I told her I would pay her a grand every month till it was paid. It would really help us not rack up more debt and she isn't doing anything with her money anyway. I would post date a cheque every month so she would know she was getting paid. She really didn't want to discuss it. Told me she was busy making freaking sushi. Then goes on about that. I told her to call me the next day to discuss it. She finally got around to calling me the next day. She said she really didn't want to. No reason either. Told me to let the bank loan us the money.
I'm pissed. I have loaned that woman money when she had none. Have always tried to be there for her etc. I'm done and detached now. I will not open myself to be hurt again. I would rather borrow the money from the devil than ever ask my mom for anything again.
The problem is when I needed her she wasn't there for me. Which is a giant trigger for me because she seems not to be their when I need her. What hurt the most was I thought she had changed through this experience. Oh, I was wrong.
We are in the midst, of getting remodeling done on our home. It takes a boat load of money that we don't have. Some of those repairs need to be made before the snow also. We went to the bank to try to dip into some of J's investments but they are locked in till next year. The bathroom won't wait till January. So, we had to apply for a credit card with interest. We are up to debt to our eyeballs with our other one. So, that evening I called my mother asking her if I could borrow 10 grand. Which really isn't anything for my mother. I told her I would pay her a grand every month till it was paid. It would really help us not rack up more debt and she isn't doing anything with her money anyway. I would post date a cheque every month so she would know she was getting paid. She really didn't want to discuss it. Told me she was busy making freaking sushi. Then goes on about that. I told her to call me the next day to discuss it. She finally got around to calling me the next day. She said she really didn't want to. No reason either. Told me to let the bank loan us the money.
I'm pissed. I have loaned that woman money when she had none. Have always tried to be there for her etc. I'm done and detached now. I will not open myself to be hurt again. I would rather borrow the money from the devil than ever ask my mom for anything again.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bubble Thoughts / Social Anxiety
I'm not going to be politically correct in my post. I'm sure this might be offensive to someone. My bubble thoughts aren't postive when I'm in a store. They are very angry at times and can be illogical. I stumbled on to a blog the other day about Social Anxiety and other stuff. I haven't thought about social anxiety in awhile because I either go out or just don't. I have that option in life. I live in a smallish town and not even in town. I have been away from the city for a couple of years now and sort of live in seclusion by my own choice. It is very safe for me and my moods and anxiety for the most part. Even the people where I live hate the tourist. Most of the time I don't care one way or another. It is something you have to accept as the town I live in swells to a staggering size in the summer because people have cottages or as I would say vacation homes. I live in the summer hell of what people call Cottage Country.
The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.
The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Snap Crackle Pop
Yesterday, I went to a dental appoinment to meet the denturist that works with the denist. Oh it was a nightmare. I had to meet with the denturist because I needed a upper teeth as I elected to not spend wads of money trying to restore them but keep the bottoms as they need work but not much.
The guy walks in "I guess you haven't took care of your teeth" chuckle. I wanted to say your an idiot and the array of things and bubble thoughts went through my head. Not a great way to introduce yourself . Plus it is insulting regardless why my teeth are the way they are. Strike one. Open mouth and he checks my teeth and pulls on them and exclaims why are you going to get some dentures. He never looked at the xrays etc. Me: They are bad and I don't have thousands and thousands to rehab them. Him: I don't agree. He rolls eyes at me and says it is your body I can't tell you what to do. etc. I'm the consumer , I'm not a endless bottomless pit for money . Do what I tell don't give me shit. The denist agreed with me about my teeth after looking at xrays and looking at them. (or I thought) Strike two. Oh this really ticked me off this one. It seemed like the denturist was not sure why I was there. Hmm.. I was suppose to be having teeth pulled in like 9 days. He was surpised. I was surpised he didn't know. They are suppose to corrindate that stuff. He walks out the door and has a conversation loud enough with the denist I hear it. It goes something like this: Denturist: Why are you going to pull those teeth? When are you going to? You need to move up the scheduling etc. The dentist a two face snseaky snake says . I told her I could just fill them. (lie) Believe me if I could just have some fillings I would jump on it. I can't remember the rest today. But the denist was a complete two faced liar.
I was hopping mad after I left. The whole experiance with that place was bait and switch. It began with a promise of looking at my teeth for 50 bucks that ended up costing over 250 the first time. That should of alerted me in the first place. I was stupid in the first place. Xrays always cost money. Well, it gets better. I get a quote for about a grand to do some work. I thought hmm. cheap but I have had dental work pretty cheap in this area so I didn't question it much. Then that week-end in the mail I get the true estimate for doing some extractions and some basic fillings and cleaning. This quote was 4 grand that didn't include the partials. They basically wanted 200 hundred to pull a tooth. Plus all kinds of misc. I was going to do it but I hated it and deep down thought something was real wrong with the picture and something stank bad like dishonesty. I could go on and on about this piece of work denist and denturist.
I was upset and discussed it with J later that day after having a frustrating day with some other things also. Did I mention the town I live in is SLOW. I could say some other mean things also about it but I was pissed by the time out of the dentist . So, anything one of the local rubes would do around here would make me mad where I usually suck it up and make some remark but don't let it anymore get me going. The day was just compounding to me exploding or mostly emploding. J said it look like I was going to have a stroke. I guess I was pretty mad. I should of just went home and not tried to get some pizza. Reminder to self never go out to eat in this town when angry or any other kind of emotion because it is lousy and the service is horrible. It just makes my anger worse about how slow people move in this town. I have to be severely depressed to eat out in this town. I don't expect anything in that mood and don't care at all. They can be very slow and very under average with the heated up crap they serve . Most any other time it is an assault on my tastebuds. The insanity with me is me expecting them to change there ways and it will be better after a year or two. Well, it is just insanity. Because it doesn't change. The only thing to eat that is decent in this town is sandwhichs and soup or the mobile grill, chip shack. Pretty much not a seat down dining experiance.
I'm rambling... I got back home and talked to J and after J said what I was thinking. I was thinking the man was a crook and didn't trust either one of those men. I picked up the phone book and looked to see if they had someone else different to do this work. I used to like my other denist in this area as he did some emergency work for me over the years. It didn't advertise he did such work. So, I called and to my ill research he did about anything. Also, found out he charged half to do an extraction. Better yet , I trust this guy as he is kind and doesn't BS and is proffesional. I called back the other place in a nice way and said I just had problems all around with the place. Expressed, my anger and cancelled all my appoinments and said I would be picking up my xrays today. Called back the other place and made an appoinment and fill very happy about a second opinion and will actually trust this denist judgement with what really needs to be done. As, he doesn't see me as a gold mine. I'm willing to spend money but only what is fair and not be gouged and took advantage of. It felt very impowering to change all of this .
The guy walks in "I guess you haven't took care of your teeth" chuckle. I wanted to say your an idiot and the array of things and bubble thoughts went through my head. Not a great way to introduce yourself . Plus it is insulting regardless why my teeth are the way they are. Strike one. Open mouth and he checks my teeth and pulls on them and exclaims why are you going to get some dentures. He never looked at the xrays etc. Me: They are bad and I don't have thousands and thousands to rehab them. Him: I don't agree. He rolls eyes at me and says it is your body I can't tell you what to do. etc. I'm the consumer , I'm not a endless bottomless pit for money . Do what I tell don't give me shit. The denist agreed with me about my teeth after looking at xrays and looking at them. (or I thought) Strike two. Oh this really ticked me off this one. It seemed like the denturist was not sure why I was there. Hmm.. I was suppose to be having teeth pulled in like 9 days. He was surpised. I was surpised he didn't know. They are suppose to corrindate that stuff. He walks out the door and has a conversation loud enough with the denist I hear it. It goes something like this: Denturist: Why are you going to pull those teeth? When are you going to? You need to move up the scheduling etc. The dentist a two face snseaky snake says . I told her I could just fill them. (lie) Believe me if I could just have some fillings I would jump on it. I can't remember the rest today. But the denist was a complete two faced liar.
I was hopping mad after I left. The whole experiance with that place was bait and switch. It began with a promise of looking at my teeth for 50 bucks that ended up costing over 250 the first time. That should of alerted me in the first place. I was stupid in the first place. Xrays always cost money. Well, it gets better. I get a quote for about a grand to do some work. I thought hmm. cheap but I have had dental work pretty cheap in this area so I didn't question it much. Then that week-end in the mail I get the true estimate for doing some extractions and some basic fillings and cleaning. This quote was 4 grand that didn't include the partials. They basically wanted 200 hundred to pull a tooth. Plus all kinds of misc. I was going to do it but I hated it and deep down thought something was real wrong with the picture and something stank bad like dishonesty. I could go on and on about this piece of work denist and denturist.
I was upset and discussed it with J later that day after having a frustrating day with some other things also. Did I mention the town I live in is SLOW. I could say some other mean things also about it but I was pissed by the time out of the dentist . So, anything one of the local rubes would do around here would make me mad where I usually suck it up and make some remark but don't let it anymore get me going. The day was just compounding to me exploding or mostly emploding. J said it look like I was going to have a stroke. I guess I was pretty mad. I should of just went home and not tried to get some pizza. Reminder to self never go out to eat in this town when angry or any other kind of emotion because it is lousy and the service is horrible. It just makes my anger worse about how slow people move in this town. I have to be severely depressed to eat out in this town. I don't expect anything in that mood and don't care at all. They can be very slow and very under average with the heated up crap they serve . Most any other time it is an assault on my tastebuds. The insanity with me is me expecting them to change there ways and it will be better after a year or two. Well, it is just insanity. Because it doesn't change. The only thing to eat that is decent in this town is sandwhichs and soup or the mobile grill, chip shack. Pretty much not a seat down dining experiance.
I'm rambling... I got back home and talked to J and after J said what I was thinking. I was thinking the man was a crook and didn't trust either one of those men. I picked up the phone book and looked to see if they had someone else different to do this work. I used to like my other denist in this area as he did some emergency work for me over the years. It didn't advertise he did such work. So, I called and to my ill research he did about anything. Also, found out he charged half to do an extraction. Better yet , I trust this guy as he is kind and doesn't BS and is proffesional. I called back the other place in a nice way and said I just had problems all around with the place. Expressed, my anger and cancelled all my appoinments and said I would be picking up my xrays today. Called back the other place and made an appoinment and fill very happy about a second opinion and will actually trust this denist judgement with what really needs to be done. As, he doesn't see me as a gold mine. I'm willing to spend money but only what is fair and not be gouged and took advantage of. It felt very impowering to change all of this .
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman
I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.
I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.
I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.
I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.
I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Angry Ramblings
I'm on a roll lately keeping this blog updated with my ramblings. I have so many lately. I hate to admit this but I'm still angry from yesterday. Part of it is mood. Part of it is things like what happened at the dealership happen so much where I live , it upsets me. Part of it is that I view J with no backbone as this is not a random incident at this place and the list goes on. Another big part of it is that it wasted my day. I was so caught up with my anger that I forgot to do many of the things I needed to do. My number one pet peeve is not being on time or anything time related. You could almost say I'm OCD about time and if you want to make me over the top mad waste my time, don't be on time or anything that has to do about wasting my time. I find it to be very disrepectful. I'm a very punctucal person always showing up on time . I'm actually early every where I go because I fear not being on time. Anything, time related gives me anxiety. Not a little either. I have tried to overcome my rigid time rules but nothing has worked and frankly I think being on time with anything is a good thing. Better yet if you can't be on time , be honest about it and I can rearrange what ever comes up. I'm not a total time nazi and when a person is honest about why they can't be on time or what the hold up is I can accept it.
I have a lot of time on my hands any more. The thing lately is my time isn't used wisely. I have been trying to be more structured lately and my time matters a ton. I'm working as fast as I can not to have the other shoe fall off and be mental for about three months. I'm going to try to get over my anger today. I need to get over it to be productive. I will probaly have to do something like more yard work to get out some of the energy the anger has build up.
I have a lot of time on my hands any more. The thing lately is my time isn't used wisely. I have been trying to be more structured lately and my time matters a ton. I'm working as fast as I can not to have the other shoe fall off and be mental for about three months. I'm going to try to get over my anger today. I need to get over it to be productive. I will probaly have to do something like more yard work to get out some of the energy the anger has build up.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Seeing Red
I have been on vacation for three days now. I have been having a nice time but have had one issue that caused a ton of strain yesterday . The Internet at the hotel went down and no one seemed to want to do anything about it. I woke up at my usual 3-4 in the morning and no Internet. I was beside myself as that is part of my morning ritual. I thought it was my computer and tried different networks and to no avail did I receive any transmission. I tried another device my itouch. It is fail proof when it comes to a connection. Panic struck me at that point. What was I going to do while my partner slept like a normal person for a couple more hours. I thought about it awhile and listened to music on my itouch but my mind still lingered to the thought of my usual stops on the computer. I wanted to check my e-mail which generally has the usual junk mail and crap in it. I wanted to see what was making headline news and of course who won the Grammies and more fluff news . Their is also facebook and who scored what on farmville and the status updates that are so urgent. I also check my bank account everyday also like it is going to mysterious change. It really isn't important the content it is that I rely on this ritual every morning to start my day .It threw a wrench into my morning. I also learned how addicted I was to the internet. It literally gave me anxiety not to be able to surf the web.
I called down to the lobby at five in the morning . The woman plead stupidity about how wireless works and said I would have to wait till seven until someone that knew more than her could do something about it. I wasn't happy but I could then surf the web or I thought. I almost wanted to tell her I would fix it for her as it probably just needed the connection reseted. I was getting a strong signal but nothing else. I waited and nothing happened at 7, 7:30 and 8. So I thought I would walk down to the lobby with my itouch and maybe grab some stale breakfast fare they serve at all of these places. They said they gave a free newspaper also. I sat in the lobby trying to get a connection trying to be proactive seeing if it was just the wing I was staying in but I already knew it wasn't trying every connection in this place. I went up to the front desk and logged another complaint. The woman behind the desk told me her Internet connection worked. I said I didn't care mine didn't and I wanted it fixed. I said a hardwired connection isn't the same as a wireless connection. I was getting frustrated at this point as I would think that someone would know something about a wireless network that worked here if they are going to offer it. It is a rather large hotel. She also told me no one else complained about not having internet. I told her she was wrong I called at 5 and have waited patiently for this problem to resolve. She told me she would call the maintenance man. I never heard back from her and still an hour later it was down. At this point I'm wasting my day waiting for a connection and I'm getting frantic for my fix. This time I walk down to the lobby with my laptop to show them it isn't my computer and to show them nothing is working. I march down three flights of stairs pissed more than ever that my request is being ignored and basically treating me like I don't matter. I tell the woman again the internet doesn't work and she said well she get another woman. This woman she got me was just plan ass rude and said it worked . I continued to hold my composure and said well it doesn't work for me and I don't care if anyone else is complaining as I'm complaining right now for the third time and I want it took care of. She acted like I was the idiot . She then really pissed me off by telling me to call a 1800 number. I said I wasn't going to call a 1800 number as it was there problem and it better get fixed ASAP or I was checking out and finding somewhere else. I also told her I should of listened to the complaints on travel sights about the wireless complaints they have and the various other complaints about dealing with rude staff. Also , I would be making one of those complaints also via every travel sight . She finally dialed the 1-800 number and put me on the phone with who ever handles their internet. It was the typical help desk crap to see if it wasn't user error and then he had me type in address to see if it worked then. Nope no page would come up. Like I didn't already know that. Hmm, they might have a problem. I was told they would reset their connection. Amazing , they had a problem when I told them for hours they had a problem. It was fixed in 5 minutes after that . I was as red as a beet by this point and about to blow. I was also shaking with anger as I was nice but really by all these hours really have had it. Walking back to the room I told myself I didn't handle that to shabby and more like a normal person. I didn't do anything rash like check out for having hours of head-ache. I didn't tell the front desk they where morons even though I could feel it on the tip of my tongue. I was assertive and to the point and it felt nice that I handled the situation proper as I don't always. I can handle anger from loved ones better than with strangers and service people. I generally give service people two chances before I never go back or blow the hell up for them not getting it right. I really didn't feel like packing up anyways and trying to find another hotel without booking it through the computer.
I managed to have residual andreline pumping and it took me about a hour to calm down and finally get ready for the day around noon. I wasted so much time over a internet connection and I really seen that I'm truly addicted to my computer. If the future shop would of been open at 5 in the morning I would of ended up buying a netbook or an internet stick to not be subjected to a shotty internet connection. I travel but not like I used to. I really can't justify that expense at the moment.
I'm just glad it is working now and I will probably not stay here again as I don't like and can't stand rude customer service. I'm very much used to the customer is always right even when they aren't. Plus, I hate the three flights of stairs and no elevator. It is hell tugging a heavy suitcase up three flights of stairs. I think I did though burn a lot of calories doing that though and worked my knees pretty good for skiing.
I called down to the lobby at five in the morning . The woman plead stupidity about how wireless works and said I would have to wait till seven until someone that knew more than her could do something about it. I wasn't happy but I could then surf the web or I thought. I almost wanted to tell her I would fix it for her as it probably just needed the connection reseted. I was getting a strong signal but nothing else. I waited and nothing happened at 7, 7:30 and 8. So I thought I would walk down to the lobby with my itouch and maybe grab some stale breakfast fare they serve at all of these places. They said they gave a free newspaper also. I sat in the lobby trying to get a connection trying to be proactive seeing if it was just the wing I was staying in but I already knew it wasn't trying every connection in this place. I went up to the front desk and logged another complaint. The woman behind the desk told me her Internet connection worked. I said I didn't care mine didn't and I wanted it fixed. I said a hardwired connection isn't the same as a wireless connection. I was getting frustrated at this point as I would think that someone would know something about a wireless network that worked here if they are going to offer it. It is a rather large hotel. She also told me no one else complained about not having internet. I told her she was wrong I called at 5 and have waited patiently for this problem to resolve. She told me she would call the maintenance man. I never heard back from her and still an hour later it was down. At this point I'm wasting my day waiting for a connection and I'm getting frantic for my fix. This time I walk down to the lobby with my laptop to show them it isn't my computer and to show them nothing is working. I march down three flights of stairs pissed more than ever that my request is being ignored and basically treating me like I don't matter. I tell the woman again the internet doesn't work and she said well she get another woman. This woman she got me was just plan ass rude and said it worked . I continued to hold my composure and said well it doesn't work for me and I don't care if anyone else is complaining as I'm complaining right now for the third time and I want it took care of. She acted like I was the idiot . She then really pissed me off by telling me to call a 1800 number. I said I wasn't going to call a 1800 number as it was there problem and it better get fixed ASAP or I was checking out and finding somewhere else. I also told her I should of listened to the complaints on travel sights about the wireless complaints they have and the various other complaints about dealing with rude staff. Also , I would be making one of those complaints also via every travel sight . She finally dialed the 1-800 number and put me on the phone with who ever handles their internet. It was the typical help desk crap to see if it wasn't user error and then he had me type in address to see if it worked then. Nope no page would come up. Like I didn't already know that. Hmm, they might have a problem. I was told they would reset their connection. Amazing , they had a problem when I told them for hours they had a problem. It was fixed in 5 minutes after that . I was as red as a beet by this point and about to blow. I was also shaking with anger as I was nice but really by all these hours really have had it. Walking back to the room I told myself I didn't handle that to shabby and more like a normal person. I didn't do anything rash like check out for having hours of head-ache. I didn't tell the front desk they where morons even though I could feel it on the tip of my tongue. I was assertive and to the point and it felt nice that I handled the situation proper as I don't always. I can handle anger from loved ones better than with strangers and service people. I generally give service people two chances before I never go back or blow the hell up for them not getting it right. I really didn't feel like packing up anyways and trying to find another hotel without booking it through the computer.
I managed to have residual andreline pumping and it took me about a hour to calm down and finally get ready for the day around noon. I wasted so much time over a internet connection and I really seen that I'm truly addicted to my computer. If the future shop would of been open at 5 in the morning I would of ended up buying a netbook or an internet stick to not be subjected to a shotty internet connection. I travel but not like I used to. I really can't justify that expense at the moment.
I'm just glad it is working now and I will probably not stay here again as I don't like and can't stand rude customer service. I'm very much used to the customer is always right even when they aren't. Plus, I hate the three flights of stairs and no elevator. It is hell tugging a heavy suitcase up three flights of stairs. I think I did though burn a lot of calories doing that though and worked my knees pretty good for skiing.
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