GRRRRRRRRRR

It has been a wacky time since I have last posted. I feel like I have been in a black hole of some sort. The days have been dragging into crap day after day and have been a l ittle numbing. J still has her medical stuff going on. It has been horrible trying to find a right dose or medication to control J's blood pressure. We haven't went out much because I don't drive and J is so dizzy, tired and just feels real flu like. I have been out like once in 9 days and I'm getting cabin fever pretty bad. Plus, I just have a ton of stuff to do. I just shake my head at what to do since I live pretty far from town and can't get to it. I tell J it is totally unacceptable that the med makes J not be able to drive. J doesn't listen to me but the nurse. The nurse pisses me off because the med has not done much except make J lazier than J was before and very tired, dizzy etc. It also doesn't do much in controlling the blood pressure. It is all over the place and never stable. J is also suppose to go on a diet and lose a ton of weight. I see that is impossible if J can't get J's ass off the couch. I really don't have a weight problem like J. I have had to research diabetic diets and portions. Which I will stop doing because it is J's responsibility. I cook three times a day now and it isn't something I really like to do. Once a day is more my thing.(dinner) Fend for yourself the rest of the day kind of thing. I told J that J is responsible for the snacks that J is suppose to have. I really do have enough on my plate without J being a helpless zombie. I don't really know what to do about it. I really am getting frustrated by not being able to do what I need to do. (lack of transportation)

The biggest thing is J seems not to care. It was bad before all this about J's health came out but it really has got to the point J does literally nothing except seat on the couch all day and watch tv for hours. I'm about ready to explode on J. I'm also sick of babysitting a 60 year old. I have learned one thing the more I do the more shit gets dumped on me. Point is the fiances. I had that totally dumped on my lap this month. The other day I was asked what is the various accounts doing. I sort of looked at J like what are you talking about . J can check any of those anytime with the computer. I said I don't know why don't you look yourself. Then I was informed I thought you where handling the money. That was news to me. I guess J has jumped off a sinking ship . Are finances have been sort of a mess since all the remodeling. I get to figure out how to fix all this shit. Which I will with my creative budgeting. It is like pulling a rabbit out of my ass. I will make it work by really cutting something. What i don't know. I'm barely above water and treading water. We have a appointment which has been changed two times with a financial advisor at the bank. One time the bank. One time me. I just didn't feel like getting a lecture yesterday. Also, all the blah , blah ,blah you have money but you don't shit. It is frustrating when you have most of your money locked into something and will have to take a penalty but then get a lecture about how you going to pay this and this back and you say oh that locked in thing that is maturing and get another lecture you cant do that because it will still be a penalty. Also, the thing about can you think about how long you can possible live and will that money help you into your golden years bs. I have no idea how many years I'm going to live or J is going to live but I know quote planning on the wonderful golden years is speech is driving us nuts because we are in debt up to our eyeballs and are worth more money wise dead. Which we really don't care to give anyone our money when we die. We need it now to make life not so hectic and stressful.

On a better note I finally got my treadmill in at the store and just need it to be delivered. Someone will deliver it Friday or Saturday. I have a ton to clear out to give it a home. I have been procrastinating on that one and plan on working my butt off the next couple of days to make room for it. I really can't wait to run and walk on it. I really need a better stress release. It has been very cold her lately and finally has started snowing like it should. I will be toasty warm inside now. If i ever get the motivation to put the thing together. If I don't I will hire someone to do it so it doesn't sit in a box for months. I'm not a very handy person when it comes to putting things together. I'm basically two thumbs. I do better at electronics or anything else when it comes to the home. I rather lift that treadmill than put it together. I could have J to do it but J won't get off J's ass to do anything.

I need to learn how to detach real soon again because I'm pretty pissed off.