I had such a chaotic day yesterday. It was so frustrating . It started when J woke up psychotic. Which I try to ignore as much as possible not to trigger her more and just try to stay out of the way until J says or does something really over the top. That is when the phone rings and it is my mother. Nothing ever goes well with planning anything with my mother. We have been planning the trip of my daughter to come and see me this summer. Sounds, easy but it isn't. She calls and says she doesn't see the price of ticket that I see and the ticket she sees is about 400.00 more. I get on my computer and do a search and yep my price is right. I ask her what airport code she is using and hers is wrong. The complex part of getting the ticket is my daughter is 17 and you can't buy a ticket without airlines consent unless your 18. 17 is considered a child. It is very stupid to me but the rules are the rules.
I tell her to call the travel agency to book the flight with the flight number and pay the extra booking fee because it is so much easier than trying to figure out what airline she can fly etc. I will pay the extra 25 bucks to avoid the hassle. I don't want to use my credit card anymore so I tell her to pay for it and I will send a cheque. She books it and everything and then the trouble begins. She can't find K's passport. The ticket has to have the name it has on the passport. My mom calls me back and says she can't find K's passport. We both about freak because K is so scatterbrained. Never puts anything up , loses everything. My mom booked a non-refundable flight.
That is when the anxiety kicked in. Also, in the background J is every so psychotic and when I'm not watching takes a shower etc. Fine one would think but then I go into the bedroom and ask J why are you naked and why are you in bed. I get the most bizarre answer. "I took a shower to get ready for my death" Puzzled , I ask have you done something to yourself? "No, I just feel like I'm dying and I'm saving Hugh (Funeral guy) the effort of washing my body" I respond you do remember when someone dies they shit and piss all over themselves so really they would have to do that again you know. I get some clothes out of the draw and say put these on and come out of the bedroom. I don't trust you alone with how your acting. I wait and go to the kitchen where J's pills are . I take out one of her anti-psychotics and wait for J. I said here take this , you really truly are bonkers today. J acknowledges it and takes the pill. We go back to talking about my mother and daughter and how crazy the both of them are.(lol) It distracts J until the pill kicks in. I ask is there anything I can do for you . I know the pill has kicked in because I'm asked for a huge piece of pie. Serqueol tends to give people the munchies. J eats the pie and retires to bed for most of the day.
While, I put the fire out there the anxiety is kindling in my chest to full blown anxiety attack. I really try deep breathing. I tell myself BREATH. It helps some. I call my mom back and bitch and bitch about K's irresponsibility. I also bitch that my mom knows better than to book that damn flight without passport in hand because by now K's forgetfulness has been noted on many occasions etc.
Hang up try to text K but K isn't responding and isn't responding to her voice messages from my mother either. K finally picks up and gets an attitude with my mother for asking where in the hell is her passport. She responds she doesn't know. Maybe, it is at her fathers. That is when both me and my mother think oh shit. If it was he is such a asshole petty vengeful man he would just say it is lost because he doesn't want her to come and see me anyway. I have the scenario that she will have to reapply and that would be such a nightmare as it was the last time she first applied because of asshole ex's permission etc.
I call back and decide to let go of all this drama. I said if she can't find her passport I'm not going through the passport process again. We will try to pay a fee to get that ticket cancelled some how some way. I just can't do this and all this anxiety producing crap.
A hour later the passport was found and the ticket was fully booked. J was fine for the rest of the day even if J was a zombie. Which was better than J being a threat to J and others. Watched some tv and then went to bed myself. Laid in bed trying not to relive the day and have my thoughts all over the place. Do some focusing on the tension in my body and let the tension go. Boom fell asleep.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bubble Thoughts / Social Anxiety
I'm not going to be politically correct in my post. I'm sure this might be offensive to someone. My bubble thoughts aren't postive when I'm in a store. They are very angry at times and can be illogical. I stumbled on to a blog the other day about Social Anxiety and other stuff. I haven't thought about social anxiety in awhile because I either go out or just don't. I have that option in life. I live in a smallish town and not even in town. I have been away from the city for a couple of years now and sort of live in seclusion by my own choice. It is very safe for me and my moods and anxiety for the most part. Even the people where I live hate the tourist. Most of the time I don't care one way or another. It is something you have to accept as the town I live in swells to a staggering size in the summer because people have cottages or as I would say vacation homes. I live in the summer hell of what people call Cottage Country.
The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.
The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
To many choices
I'm sitting in a hotel room today. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. I'm not really wanting to do anything except watch t.v , eat, drink and sleep. I'm tired today and really have no energy what so ever. I was an hurting a lot after loading and packing everything yesterday. A five hour drive yesterday just left me totally wiped out. I really can blame myself for being so tired yesterday because I left everything basically to the last minute again. I did do somethings to prepare for this but left a lot of the harder things to the last minute. Also, the puppy was a mess yesterday. It got into something so I had to bathe it in the morning before boarding it. Nothing like a playful huge puppy pulling on you in the bathtub in the morning. I was pretty dead after scrubbing the puppy. I thought to myself why am I even doing this when she is going to probably stink like a kennel when I pick her up.
We ended up in Cambridge in the evening since I left the big parts to the last minute. J helped a tiny bit this time. More than J has done in a couple of years. I was shocked. Usually, it all up to me to get us both packed and everything planned. I was so overwhelmed yesterday I wanted to say I'm staying home. I had to push myself and talk to myself. I told myself , just a little bit more and your done. I even lied to myself and said I probably will enjoy all my time. The truth is I will enjoy probably today and that is all. I have in-laws for two days. I love them but they are so elderly they need a lot of help. Which means we will be super busy. Also, means we are going to have to put up with J's senile demented mother also. I smile and try to be nice but it gets old and is very sad to be around. I here the same thing repeated all damn day long and it makes me want to tear my hair out. It drives J crazy also because well it is her mother. It is a sad thing to witness even though it very stressful. We have other appointments for the next two days also. We have to take our truck in to get repaired at the dealership since the dealership in our town are lazy incompetent assbags. The other is for eye glasses.
I'm trying to get the energy to do something fun today. I like shopping but I'm not much into catching a taxi all over the place. J is at a meeting today. I have the day by myself. Part of me is so afraid to spend. J is in a good mood and gave me her Visa card. I should be thrilled. If I can ever get my butt moving or had any motivation today I would be happy. I'm in moving in very slow speed today. Ironically, I pretty much cleaned the room today. I really don't like the maid to do anything except make the bed and take out the trash. I hate people in my things. I also set out my clothes today. I decided to really get fixed up. I really like getting all spiffy. Maybe, when I clean up I will feel like going out. I also dread I have to get the t.v. here fixed before I go and also might have to move rooms. I called down stairs and it won't be until this afternoon it will get looked at. We don't get all the good channels. J about flipped last night as she wanted to watch TCM. I call it the old movie channel. I just know it better be fixed when J comes back this afternoon. I could care less really as I don't care about the tv as much. I would like to watch the food network though. I don't get that at home. I get a lot of ideas from cooking shows. When I'm in a good space I love to cook.
I keep on thinking what to do today. I feel so indecisive about all the choices I have. I have so many choices today it gives me anxiety. I know if I push myself and breath in and out I will get my head together. Plus, probably if I walk to some of the places I want to I will release the anxiety from the exercise. Nothing like a brisk walk on a cold day. I will blog later as I have so much in my head and this is getting long.
We ended up in Cambridge in the evening since I left the big parts to the last minute. J helped a tiny bit this time. More than J has done in a couple of years. I was shocked. Usually, it all up to me to get us both packed and everything planned. I was so overwhelmed yesterday I wanted to say I'm staying home. I had to push myself and talk to myself. I told myself , just a little bit more and your done. I even lied to myself and said I probably will enjoy all my time. The truth is I will enjoy probably today and that is all. I have in-laws for two days. I love them but they are so elderly they need a lot of help. Which means we will be super busy. Also, means we are going to have to put up with J's senile demented mother also. I smile and try to be nice but it gets old and is very sad to be around. I here the same thing repeated all damn day long and it makes me want to tear my hair out. It drives J crazy also because well it is her mother. It is a sad thing to witness even though it very stressful. We have other appointments for the next two days also. We have to take our truck in to get repaired at the dealership since the dealership in our town are lazy incompetent assbags. The other is for eye glasses.
I'm trying to get the energy to do something fun today. I like shopping but I'm not much into catching a taxi all over the place. J is at a meeting today. I have the day by myself. Part of me is so afraid to spend. J is in a good mood and gave me her Visa card. I should be thrilled. If I can ever get my butt moving or had any motivation today I would be happy. I'm in moving in very slow speed today. Ironically, I pretty much cleaned the room today. I really don't like the maid to do anything except make the bed and take out the trash. I hate people in my things. I also set out my clothes today. I decided to really get fixed up. I really like getting all spiffy. Maybe, when I clean up I will feel like going out. I also dread I have to get the t.v. here fixed before I go and also might have to move rooms. I called down stairs and it won't be until this afternoon it will get looked at. We don't get all the good channels. J about flipped last night as she wanted to watch TCM. I call it the old movie channel. I just know it better be fixed when J comes back this afternoon. I could care less really as I don't care about the tv as much. I would like to watch the food network though. I don't get that at home. I get a lot of ideas from cooking shows. When I'm in a good space I love to cook.
I keep on thinking what to do today. I feel so indecisive about all the choices I have. I have so many choices today it gives me anxiety. I know if I push myself and breath in and out I will get my head together. Plus, probably if I walk to some of the places I want to I will release the anxiety from the exercise. Nothing like a brisk walk on a cold day. I will blog later as I have so much in my head and this is getting long.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Unwelcomed Energy
I have been having a nice lazy morning. Drinking coffee and listening to some classic rock on the satellite radio. I have been catching up on reading blogs and facebook. I haven't been able to relax in a couple of days so this feels nice. I have been edgy and unsettled with a sense of nervous energy. I have been putting that unsettling energy to good use . I did all sorts of yard work yesterday as it seemed to help. I mowed, trimmed pulled weeds, stacked wood and got rid of brush piles. It seemed to help get some of that unwelcoming energy out of me. I even tackled the mess of the kitchen. All the work I did yesterday has left me more even kilted today. I don't know how long being calm will last but I will go with it.
I have all sorts of errands to do today since yesterday the thought of being trapped in a car wasn't going to happen. I even thought yesterday wasn't the day to deal with people either. So, today happily they will get done. I haven't had the patients to do laundry at the laundry mat . I have been paying the laundry ladies to do it and it has worked out good. I'm trying to eliminate some of the crap I truly hate around here when it doesn't work with my mood. It has helped me concentrate on some of the stuff I like in my life like working out and cooking. Also, I'm going to re-seed my lawn this week-end since it is all together. I much rather re-seed my lawn than do laundry. I better get off here and start planning my day as it might be rather long getting things done in town since the hoardes of tourist that embark on the town every week-end.
I have all sorts of errands to do today since yesterday the thought of being trapped in a car wasn't going to happen. I even thought yesterday wasn't the day to deal with people either. So, today happily they will get done. I haven't had the patients to do laundry at the laundry mat . I have been paying the laundry ladies to do it and it has worked out good. I'm trying to eliminate some of the crap I truly hate around here when it doesn't work with my mood. It has helped me concentrate on some of the stuff I like in my life like working out and cooking. Also, I'm going to re-seed my lawn this week-end since it is all together. I much rather re-seed my lawn than do laundry. I better get off here and start planning my day as it might be rather long getting things done in town since the hoardes of tourist that embark on the town every week-end.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sometimes Golf Can Teach You A Lesson In Life
Something that made me think the other day was about was a game of golf. I have been somewhat anxious and overwhelmed for awhile . I thought getting out would be good and since I have payed for a season of unlimited golf , I thought I needed to take advantage of it. The weather was actually decent. It has been like non-stop rain for awhile. I was really looking forward to playing since I haven't played in awhile. I showed up ready and looking forward towards playing until I got there. The woman that owns the golf course mentioned to me that It would be nice to have me play on a womens night where they have a league. The thought of playing with other women rattled the hell out of me. Where I wasn't anxious I became anxious. The thought of it made me sick. I made all kinds of excuses to get out of it. I even used the excuse I'm not any good. Well she dispelled that myth about being good when she showed me the score board. The thing is I'm a OK golfer and not awful. I'm awful when I get anxious and rattled though. The thing is I don't want to be around people at this time in my life. It isn't that I don't like people , it is I don't relate on a personal level or want to explain anything to them and my mood prevents me from being around them at this moment. Another thing is I stopped playing competively because it totally ruined a nice game and I was so uptight.
Anyways, I started to golf and I was so rattled about the possibility of playing with other women it really effected my game. I was all over the place and not hitting dead on. For me to play decent, I have to be relaxed and not over thinking like, I do in life. Golf for me is so easy when I'm just in the moment. Just like life is easier when I'm in the moment and living it and not thinking to much. Finally, after doing dismal for several holes, I remember thinking to hell with being so uptight, it isn't like I'm going to play on a league. I got into one of my sillier moments and picked up my club and acted like it was a sword and started sword fighting with J to break the tension. We laughed and some of the tension was broke. I started hitting the ball dead on where it was suppose to go. I didn't look at the obstacle in front of me but the bigger picture and blocked the mental obstacles of the course. I thought about life being like that to. When I see a big wall most of the time I look at the big wall and slam my face in it. Instead of looking over the wall and seeing the bigger picture.
What seemed like a terrible game of golf was good for me as I could get a lives lesson out of it. It was also nice to just get out also. It also felt impowering to get over the anxiety that set in also.
Anyways, I started to golf and I was so rattled about the possibility of playing with other women it really effected my game. I was all over the place and not hitting dead on. For me to play decent, I have to be relaxed and not over thinking like, I do in life. Golf for me is so easy when I'm just in the moment. Just like life is easier when I'm in the moment and living it and not thinking to much. Finally, after doing dismal for several holes, I remember thinking to hell with being so uptight, it isn't like I'm going to play on a league. I got into one of my sillier moments and picked up my club and acted like it was a sword and started sword fighting with J to break the tension. We laughed and some of the tension was broke. I started hitting the ball dead on where it was suppose to go. I didn't look at the obstacle in front of me but the bigger picture and blocked the mental obstacles of the course. I thought about life being like that to. When I see a big wall most of the time I look at the big wall and slam my face in it. Instead of looking over the wall and seeing the bigger picture.
What seemed like a terrible game of golf was good for me as I could get a lives lesson out of it. It was also nice to just get out also. It also felt impowering to get over the anxiety that set in also.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Distraction
Distraction is a good thing for aniexty. I have been experiancing a lot of anxiety this morning thinking about thinks I just can't control or predicts it's out come. I have been so nervous about a situtation in my life I was dry heaving in the bathroom.
I decided I just don't need to think and just do something productive. I groomed all three dogs and they look very nice and probaly weight less . It seemed like I stripped off a pound of fur. I'm very impressed with the furminator as it seems effortless to brush them with one brush instead of three. I even got the cat done also and didnt know she possessed so much loose fur either. I have turned into the domestic goddess this morning trying to cope with the anxiety Im experiancing. It feels horrible but it is more at bay at the moment . It makes me feel better when I can see results and I can get results by controlling what I can like cleaning the bathroom shiny. I have more things to distract me like menu planning and maybe a nice walk if the weather holds up. I need something to release this negative energy and exercise does it. I will keep my head up and keep trudging
I decided I just don't need to think and just do something productive. I groomed all three dogs and they look very nice and probaly weight less . It seemed like I stripped off a pound of fur. I'm very impressed with the furminator as it seems effortless to brush them with one brush instead of three. I even got the cat done also and didnt know she possessed so much loose fur either. I have turned into the domestic goddess this morning trying to cope with the anxiety Im experiancing. It feels horrible but it is more at bay at the moment . It makes me feel better when I can see results and I can get results by controlling what I can like cleaning the bathroom shiny. I have more things to distract me like menu planning and maybe a nice walk if the weather holds up. I need something to release this negative energy and exercise does it. I will keep my head up and keep trudging
Friday, October 30, 2009
Anxiety
I have been so full of postive and negative feelings lately. I have also been full of anxiety. The crippling stuff that wants me to just not do anything. I tell myself I'm overwhelmed because of all I have to do. Well now I don't have to do anything and Im still anxious. I decided to go jogging in the dreary grey drizzle. It sure does clear my mind for awhile. It is so important that I get some sort of exercise as it has away of clearing out just for awhile the antsy anxiety that burdens me.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.
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