Sunday, December 26, 2010

HoHoHum The Holidays

I made it through Christmas. Actually it was Ok. I have had a head cold for several days and it is wearing on me. I had some snacks planned for the hoildays but could barely hold up my head or not ache all over so I didn't have the gorgeous spread I planned. Better news is I'm gradually getting better or I have found the right over the counter medication to mask my symptoms.. It hasn't helped my mixed mood one bit but it helps to know the reason I have been so lazy is I have been sick lately.

I started to get into the spirit on the last minute doing so food shopping last week. I was surpised to find myself smiling at people and opening doors. Something as random as giving someone my 25 cent pay cart to someone and saying Merry Christmas made my dull mood a little better. I also called my parents and daughter yesterday to wish them a Merry Christmas. It was nice to hear their voices. I had a nice chat with everyone of them and it made me happy that they where having a nice hoilday. I miss them but had a nice time by myself. I had a nice relaxing day talking on the phone, lounging, watching t.v. and a nice turkey microwave dinner. I
also recieved some nice presents over the season. A Wii fit, sleep pants, printer with scanner, copier and fax. British comedy series and a 100 dollar Itune card. When I feel better I will try to set everything up and download my music.

I washed Daisy (Dog) yesterday . That was about the only task I got done. I strained my back pretty good. Which makes me realize I need to streghten my back muscles more as I have had trouble for many years with it but seems to go away when I do more exercise. I did relieve some pain with some cream that has some sort of aspirin in it and doing what I do best nothing. It is so sunny today and I need to get my butt out and walk the dog. I really am walking myself though as I think I need it more than the dog. One new goal is to try to get out of the house everyday and walk even a block to just get out since I'm back to hating to get out. I know logically I will feel better and it is the push I need.

I know most of my mood will change like clock work in the middle of January. It will be like a switch. I already feel a tad better with the days getting a little longer now. I couldn't of been happier when I realized yesterday it wasn't so dark at 5pm. It has been sunny also lately which is real weird for this area at this time of year. Usually, we get tons of snow at this time. I won't question it and enjoy the sun even though you can't feel the sun here in the North. Usually when the sun is out it is very cold also. It is -12 this morning but gorgeous. The sun makes the snow glitter. It makes me want to get my snow shoes and ski's out this coming week. I haven't been in the mood at all to do anything but it is coming on.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Grand Illusion

I'm still in my mixed state of crap. I really don't even know if I want to post but my brain is busy and my body isn't. I have felt like snapping lately. I'm overly bitchy and sharp. I really don't have patients of any sort at the moment for anything. I muster up some patients everyday for Daisy the puppy. I'm about to lose it fast with her also. I feel like running away. Actually, I'm great with running away from anything and anyone. I guess I have stopped running since I moved to another country. I don't have many places at the moment to run to to escape my insanity.

I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.

I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.

One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Blah, Blah

I was going to make writing more of a priority but have been living in my head more than anything lately. I have also been feeling pretty low. I even managed to get food poisoning a couple of days ago going out eating a sample of sushi. My stomach hasn't been the same in the past 3-4 days and is just gradually getting back to normal. It is just my dumb luck to do an intensive shopping and getting things done and get sick.

On a better note someone found our cat. She has been missing for three weeks now and I pretty much gave up on her. She was found yesterday in some one's garage. She was trapped in there for three weeks. The people are seasonal residents. They left a couple of weeks ago and came to blow out the driveway this week-end and found her. She looks like a total wreck. She is just skin and bones. It is truly amazing she survived. She must of ate some mice to survive. It has been so bone chilling cold at times also with temps that deep below 0,Farenhiet. Thank-god she was in a sheltered place because we have had a little over 2 feet of snow . I'm going to take her to the vet also. She is just so thin . She probably has worms also from eating something like rodents. Her ears also have a little frost bite on them and acts like she has ear mites. She is a total wreck. I was going to do it today but we have snow squalls and still need to dig out some. Our plow guy that does our driveway hasn't got to us yet. I hope he does so I don't have to blow that mess out myself.

Getting back the cat made me in a better mood. Before, I got her back I was looking high and low for just a little motivation. To get motivation you pretty much have to be inspired. I haven't had inspiration or motivation in awhile . It makes putting a plan and goals together very hard when you just exist. I'm still working on that plan. Right now it is hard enough to live and my plan at the moment consist of getting more structure together and living. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.

When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.

I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Season to Gift Card

I generally don't blog twice in a day. This is the exception. I actually feel like it, while the topic is still on my mind. I have been trying to get anything done lately. It has really depended on my mood what I get done. I really don't feel like cleaning today but had to get something done. I have felt like being on the computer today. Since, I have felt like a good computer fix , I have done all my Christmas shopping. I had a little done before but finished it today on-line. What a big difference it makes shopping on-line. No lines and better yet no rude people. I think the best thing about shopping on-line for me is keeping to a budget and not impulse shopping. I also mostly stuck to gift cards.

I'm picky about presents and don't want most things. I assume someone else rather pick out a present also. It will be the right colour, size, etc. Better yet since I have to ship everything to my family and J's the shipping and handling is free. The only actual presents I bought where also picked on-line. One was for my daughter and I did it on-line so they would ship it to her. I got an awesome deal on a Toshiba laptop, bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. I also bought some clothes for my in-laws(they don't get out). Stuff like diabetic socks,robes, sweater, pants. I had it shipped in a gift box. I had 12 people to shop for this year. I didn't put any of it on credit. I really don't want to pay interest on crap that is probably crap for the next couple of years. I spent in the neighbourhood of 1,200. I feel good about it. Best of all I won't be broke spending what I don't have. Guilt at Christmas usually gets to me and I spend more. I know it is a little impersonal but I hate spending money on things people don't like and use. I don't know the people on my list that well any more also. Most of the people on my list live clutter free also. Nothing like nick-knacks to clutter a place up or a book anymore.
My parents just ask me what to send according to how much they want to spend. I like it and if they would get me something I didn't like I would just throw it away or re gift it. I can't return things as they have different stores and return policies here. J's parents are just so old and not very mobile. They just send us a cheque for what we wanted this year. It works for me. One year, I got this god awful scarf and gave it to Goodwill. One relative gets us some theme of things every year. It isn't bad if you like what ever theme . If you hate the theme they get you the same thing till the theme runs out. They get it in their head that you actually love it even if you don't. I don't know if I'm right this year or not but I mentioned something about that movie Julia and Julia. I suppose it will be a Julia Child's themed Xmas. I hope not as I already bought her books. I have to be real careful not to mention anything so does J. I let J pick out what J wanted. It was a record player, CD, tape combo that records everything retro into CD format. Then I can reformat it into mp3's . I'm not into surprises this year. I want something we can use and be budget conscious.

After, shopping I renewed the truck tags on-line. Why wait in a line and blow gas. Nothing like sitting in line at the MOT to get me cranky. People at the moment make me cranky and grouchy. I'm still in a good mood without going to the post-office, stores, and the MOT. Plus I didn't have to use gas to do it.

Mixed Bag Of Nuts

NI trying to do my morning routine. Dogs done, coffee made and checking around the net has commenced. Now I'm blogging with my light on. I have had a massive head-ache or something for the past couple of days. The light makes the head-ache worse so when I have a head-ache I don't do the light therapy. My sleeping lately has been so messed up. Insomnia is something to behold. I have been sorting it out . I just feel so lousy up and down all night. I finally had a nice nights sleep. The things the experts say about sleep pretty right on. Also, just knowing in time I will get on a better sleep schedule is good. I caught out the caffeine in the evening also. I need to add more exercise also to get a nice deep sleep. I take nothing to sleep except the occasional melatonin supplement which works nicely for me at times. Nothing lately though except sleep depriving myself to a schedule , nice sleeping area, nothing busy at night, and I can't think right now about the others. I have also got back on my vitamin regime. I have been on it faithfully for about a week and I feel a little better. I have also started eating more well balanced meals. I know eat 4 small meals a day and try to get all my hydration also. Nutrition is so important for mental and physical health.
As for a plan , I don't have one wrote out yet. I really to be truthful don't know what I want from life. I have some basics like feeling better and things like cleaning up the place and organization. Overall though I don't know what is being realistic. I will have to divide the house up to conquer it. I know I need to get a more concrete plan but right now I'm just barely living. My concentration is shit. My head is all over the place and gradually settling down. I have a hard time staying on one task and breaking down even the smallest steps lately. I feel like a non multi-task. I was making homemade chicken strips the other night and something so easy was just making me a nervous hot mess with the dog trying to get my attention. I mumbled to Daisy the puppy , that I couldn't chew bubble gum and walk . Basically. I had to yell for J to get the puppy away from me so I could focus. I feel when I'm in this mixed mood of muck I have to communicate that I can't focus at all or I look pretty petty and grouchy. I just can't have any distractions when I'm doing something right now and have to have tunnel vison to get anything done. I'm getting things slowly done will have a plan . My head drifts so much lately and it isn't all a bad thing. When you think about so much , you don't fixate one one trivial thing or focus on something bigger. Like my cat has been missing for a week. I have now lost hope to get her back. I have done reward posters,newspaper ad, contacting the humane society, a radio lost and found on the small local radio station, looking for her and calling neighbours. I miss her but I'm not going into more of a down-ward spiral for the cat either. My mind is all over the place lately and as it shoots around like a pinball, I get glances of all the areas of my life until I turn on TV and drown it all out with dribble. Will try sometime this week to update my ramblings with something more concrete .