Grey

I don't know where to start. I haven't blogged for awhile so I thought I would post. I'm burnt out with blogging. I have been thinking a little about giving it up and going another direction with it. Who knows. I have been having writer's block also. Plus a lot of bad attitude about who in the hell cares anyway because i sure don't. My attitude isn't good at the moment and I'm not all that positive lately. Life is so-so though. I'm still trying to dig my way out of my pit of depression. That is odd in it's self because I generally starr feeling better this time of year. I don't know what is up with that. I have been cranky and irritable so maybe I'm coming back alive.

I feel like I need to go back to my SAD lamp. It has the problem of making me a little to lively or mixed but it would help push the mood a little in the right direction so i will probably start today. I need some motivation and that would help tremendously with the who cares attitude. I need to give a shit but don't. I just wait till my mood gets better and it will but don't have time to have it get better. I might be waiting to long. I don't feel like hibernating anymore but don't have the motivation to get out of my cozy cave. I'm though going to a theatrical production tonight . It is a move in the right direction. I'm just afraid it will over stimulate me. I don't need to be overstimulated either .
Everything is a delicate balance. I also long for some inspiration or passion it just makes life a little easier.

Complain......

I have been in a funk for the past week. I have started to break out of it a little. J said it was like I was moping around and needed to get out of the house. I was in the mood, I didn't care if I ever left the house. I was told get into the shower your going out today. I ended up enjoying getting out and going to the gym. I discovered at the gym, I weight more than I have ever weighed in my life. Instead , of getting depressed about it I worked harder and the diet I have been fighting got easier to adhere to. The gym was less than desirable though. It is in a basement and not really nicely lite. It has more free-style weights in there than anything and reminds me of a muscle freak gym. I found two tread mills in there and one in the woman's part of the gym that you couldn't run on. I thought WTF kind of gym , it was. The equipment looks old and worn out. I'm used to a state of the art gym with many treadmills , nautilus machines and just a portion of the gym for freestyle weights. I'm also used to many classes. I used to love my water aerobics class and yoga class. No pool, no raquet ball court , No classes. The only thing the gym has going for it is their is hardly any people. I counted two other people than me and J. Not bad if you don't want to wait for machines. The thing is I did have to wait for the treadmill. I just signed up for a month and will be looking for another gym but they really don't have any around here except that and the new Y. I wasn't impressed by the Y here either as it had children running around and smelt of a dirty diaper. It also doesn't have a pool. I don't know what kind of equipment it has or classes it offers but I will be finding out.

This just makes me miss where I used to live more when so called services offered are shotty and sub par with what bigger cities offer. I truly feel like I'm in a time warp in this town. I try not to be a malcontent but it is so hard living here. It just brings out the bitching . I really try to like it but when I'm charged double for the privilege not to have the technology of anything , I get bitchy. In the end , I will end up losing weight and probably look like a woman's weight lifter and lose weight at a absorb price. It might also make me clear out a room in the house and add a bowflex and a treadmill for the prices they are charging. The good thing though about going to the gym though is getting out of the house , which I struggle with . The best thing though by going to the gym and being a malcontent was that I had something to focus on and be pissed at which made me exercise harder. I also ended up in a good mood with all the exercise and had more of a clear head. I don't know why I refuse most of the time to do what is good for me. After, I'm done it is like wow that made me feel good. I act surprised knowing dam well the things I rebel against make me feel good .