Tired

I'm trying to put the week behind me. I have been pretty emotionally tired. I also realize I need a break from my crazy life and need to reflect on the small things like this. This is a picture from my backyard in the mornings.

Lately, nothing much has excited me. I have been in survival mode with J's mood and psychosis. It has got better but I'm drained. I did manage to get tickets to something that I like very much though. In may BB. King is having a concert at the Casino near by. His concert is pretty late for this old woman so we are going to get a room and stay the night even though it is just a 2 hour drive back. I really look forward to something that is totally about me and J. Totally can't afford it but it is worth it. It seems Murphy law is working again and more things are breaking down so it was hard to justify this. It is hard to plead being broke and to do this. But, I really will enjoy it. I need it badly also. Something always in life comes up that needs to be fixed etc.

I really need to get back to the basics and enjoying the great things I have also. It seems I have all this stuff in the house that is still in the box. It is insane. I bought a Wii one year and have all these new games I haven't used. I also have Mario-Kart and a Wii fit plus I received as presents but never opened. I also really need to rat myself out about I still have a top of the line treadmill and exercise bike in it's box also. All stored away waiting for me to become active again. I finally started using my Kindle Fire that I got for x-mas last month. So, maybe their is some hope for me. I really haven't enjoyed life for about the last two years. The girls dying one summer . Then last summer my father and grandmother dying. All the other crazy shit that has been going on in between with my health to other things.
The thing is I need to just turn the page and start living again . Shit happens. Then you move on. I finally am starting to get that yearning again to live. I can feel my depression lifting. It sounds odd but I was at the store yesterday and seen pink flamingos and bought those tacky tacky birds. I had such a laugh looking at them and even more embarrassed to put them in the buggy. I haven't thought about the yard or anything in ages. Now for me to put them out today and not let them sit in a box. As, I'm coming out of my box this time of year maybe just maybe I will get the other things out of there box also. I will start small with getting back to walking so I can start running again. I need fresh air. I need to get back to me again . I really do miss me being more alive and not a fixture on the couch all winter long.

A Package

I really don't have much of anything interesting to say. I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging more so I will try to say something. It will probably be ramblings of sort...

I'm drinking coffee this more relaxing. It is nice to have coffee and read blogs. Morning time is ME time. My mind is jumbled and hazy in the mornings though. Before, blogging, I used to do housework as it was more up my alley about being brainless. Blogging and reading blogs helps jump start my mind in the morning and relaxes me in the evenings also.

I'm trying to think and I thought a lot about this yesterday and today.One thing that happened yesterday was I received a box from my mother yesterday. It contained a small urn of my father. It was very nice and really tasteful. It just looks like a small ornate metal vase. I don't think anyone would guess what it was if they where looking around the house. I can imagine if I every had people over would be they would point out or pick it up thinking oh neat vase and say where did you get that. I can picture myself saying well that is part of my father and laugh as they would have a puzzled confused sorry look. Sorry, black humour.

The box also contained some of his t-shirts,and movies etc. It also contained my gra nd mothers antique weird clock and a doll of my grandmothers I used to play with as a child. I also found a lighter that my mother sent. She said it was my fathers and when I looked at it , I was shocked to find out it was really my lighter. He stole it from me. It made my tears go away as I was angry that he would steal an expensive lighter that was a gift from J. It was a scrimshaw zippo. Scrimshaw is something whalers and sailors used to do. They would carve pictures of voyages and different things onto whale bones. My lighter had a clipper ship on it.

Seeing the lighter brought up some old issues I had with my father. It made me feel guilty for feeling anger at my father. It was just like him to be a lighter thief also. It seemed though a zippo is more deliberate than a bic though. It also brought up feelings of how I felt about how contradictory and just his whole personality. My father was one of those dysfunctional people that you couldn't help but forgive as he was always truly sorry for what ever he did. Even, if he still kept his bad behaviour up. He did the best he could with a mental illness also. I knew some of the things that where less than desirable , dysfunctional and acting out was because he was Bipolar. He really did the best he could. Over all though he was a good decent man. I felt loved by my father so it was easy to forgive his myriad of faults. I still get a laugh out of some of the crazy bullshit that came out of his mouth. He really was a storyteller and would entertain many people everyday with some story or tidbit. The sad thing is he never realized how many people loved him and liked him. He never felt like he had friends when he was actually popular and had many friends.It is actually surprising to me since he was such Mr.gloom and doom with his family. I was speaking to my mother yesterday telling her I really want to not be a negative person and be gloom and doom. I'm generally not but have my periods of gloom and doom. Also, can have black and white thinking when I'm in a bad mood. I don't see my options and choices. My fathers gloom and doom attitude really is what killed him. I don't want that for myself. It is so easy to fall into that trap and just give up in life and not take care of ones self physically or emotionally. Especially, if it is chronic. I have felt like that in the past of just fuck it. Nothing is going to get better and not take care of myself with chronic pain ,chronic mental illness and chronic health problems. I have allowed it to get the better of me at times and just fall into the black hole. The thing that is different with me and my father is I might get into that space of just succumbing to what ever but I always end up getting back on the horse, trudging and simply just trying and not throwing in the towel of taking care of myself and being in tuned to my body and mind. I think I'm more like my mother in that aspect.

My father's death really was a tradgey . I will go into it at a later time but it felt to me like he committed suicide. Which gives me some feelings of anger. His death could of been prevented. It is a wake up for me. I can understand what happened and just feel sad. It also makes me very much want to take care of myself and be a more positive person. It also makes me want to really live and just not trudge through life. Not worry as much and be in the minute. Have fun and have no regrets. I also want to make more enjoyable memories for my family. I don't want my family to have a lot of what if she did so and so would she be alive. My grief is taking a turn around and making me into a better person over the long run . At least I hope it does. The heavy pain is still there as it will take time but I'm dealing with it and I'm not so much in the depths of despair and living life and enjoying it.

Coming out of my cave

First off , I want to thank everyone that made such kind comments. It really is so kind. The blogging community can be so awesome at times. I finally started to get caught up reading other peoples blogs also . I have never got this far behind. I have pretty much have caught up. I don't comment much but I do read all of your blogs. I read regular blogs also besides just a steady diet of mental illness blogs.

Anyway, I'm trying to do better. It is off and on for me. I will get there. It is moving slowly. I'm slowly getting back to eating. I just got somewhat of an appetite back. The irony is I'm getting more teeth pulled today and getting everything finished. My partial will be put in today also. That means even if I'm hungry it will be painful to eat. The good part is I will lose more weight. The bad news is my shorts and pants hardly fit. I like my clothes and I'm also cheap can be frugal at times. I'm excited though that all my teeth will be fixed completely today. I think I had some fillings done last week in the bottom teeth. Which completed fixing my bottom teeth. My teeth where a mess and they will be pretty again. Time anymore is such a blur to me.

I have been watching chick flicks on tv recently. I was never a fan of them. They are perfect when you don't want to think and just need a laugh or an escape. They have been good for me. It makes a difference than watching a movie I watched in this last month called For Coloured Girls. That movie was deep and despairing. Not like the stream of movies like Maid In Manhattan, 2 week notice, Confessions of a shop acholic. You get the drift. Chick flicks are good for not thinking and so very predictable. I really don't need serious movies at the moment. That is pretty much how I spent my week-end. I also had a real nice dinner out. It is nice not to cook and have something decent. My only complaint is the serving sizes out are so huge. Also, most of the time not worth taking left overs. I used to take home scraps to the animals but don't any more since I really don't want them fat and the elderly dog doesn't need anything to mess up his liver more. I still have yet to take his urine in. Will probably do that today. They are going to test him for Cushion's Disease. He is doing OK though and has his days. Will know more about the options for him later this month.

I have been making list to help me with getting things done. My list is getting done very slowly. I'm just really trying to get back into the groove and find it hard. I start off good then I'm moody. Like a damn roller coaster of emotions. It really is the grief I feel and it will all level out in time. It is just one wild ride. I have to chunk everything down to digestible bites in my life at the moment are it is so overwhelming for me to get what I need to get done. No one ever died of a messy dirty house, I don't think. I'm not going to die of my disorganization at the moment either . It does cause me anxiety though and it will get done. I have so many things that I want to do this year. Summer is so short here it sets me in a panic to waste the precious days of summer. Anyway, I'm going to really start rambling and don't need to do that . I need to finish my coffee even though it is late in the morning. I probably won't enjoy my coffee tomorrow with a sore mouth. Choke another smoke down and get ready for the dentist. If I feel like it tomorrow I will blog. I have some positive news to share also and just mundane life.

Coping

I really don't feel like writing. I will give an update. My Father and grandmother died. I expected my grandmother to die as she was almost 93 and on hospice. My father I didn't expect to die and it was unexpected. He passed June 5th. The week long saga with my father in the hospital felt like a million years. I had a drunken melt down and have been doing Ok now. Slowly, I'm getting back to life. I'm getting back to where I drink less. I'm still drinking to much right now and I know it and will do something about it in the near future. I really don't need any lectures. I'm having a hard time in the evening and cry a lot in the night. I do get to sleep but it is after I have held it together all day.

I have just ton of crap to get done and very slowly it is getting done. A ton isn't getting done. I'm barely eating because I can't be bothered to cook or deal with it. I did finally get my ass to the grocery store so hopefully I will have a vegetrain meal of some form of Ratouille. It is very easy on the stomach. My stomach has been in knots. I'm back to hating food which isn't good. It is nice to lose weight though. This just isn't the right way to do it. I will gradually get back to food and have a normal relationship with it. Basically, I have no structure in my life and I need to find a balance in the near future. I'm hanging mentally by a thread. I do know logically it will all work out and I just need time. Everything will get back to normal. I tell myself that and I gain some solice thinking that. I'm not looking forward to my journey with my grief with my father. I sorted out my grandmother emotionally and I'm in a good place with that. I really feel defeated at the moment in my life. Actually, I have had it and can't handle anymore shit. I have had my fill in the past year.

Hopefully, today, I will pick up my laundry from the laundry mat. I had them do it. I will eat a decent meal and not fastfood or nothing at all. I won't do a booze diet. I will deal with some basic life problems such as paying bills, my health(walk) and this messy house that looks like a bomb of beer and wine bottles have went off. I need to start making list again as my brain isn't present. Slowly but surely , I will get back to the basic things people do everyday. I will even slowly get back to enjoying life. It really can be so short for some people and I want to enjoy it.

Waiting for the phone

I wait patiently for the dreaded phone call from the chaplain at the hospital to inform me that my father is dead. It has got to that now. They have resustated him to times yesterday and finally put in a ventilator. The hospital asked for his next of kin which is me. I'm not there so they will call if they need anything. My mother isn't legally married to my father and unlike Canada they have no laws for common law marriage. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried had another family got divorced then several years later started up a relationship with my father for the next 20 plus years. I hate explaining my family as it is weird but normal to me. Legally, though she is screwed and that is why I'm his next of kin because I'm his only child. So, I have the nice task of releasing his body to the funeral home and making funeral plans over a thousand miles away on a phone.
I sleep with the phone as I have been warned that I probaly will get that dreaded call. I have both my homephone and cell charged for that dreaded call. I'm not flying back as it probaly wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't make it in time either. I have no one to pick me up at the airport either. That was my fathers job to do that with family. Nothing like the five hour drive to the airport and back. Everything is complicated with my grandmother dying and someone always has to be with her as she is on the final stages of dying. Anyway, my father has always informed everyone if he shall die he will have no funeral and will be cremated. He in no way wants anyone to come, period... I will respect his wishes. Even though he has never considered other peoples wishes. He is an odd fellow. Before, he really took a turn for the worst, I called to talk to him at the hospital to see how he was doing. He couldn't be bothered to talk to me. I just thought it was being him. I said it sounds like you don't want to talk. He said NO and I said I love you and he said it back. That was the last time I spoke to my father. The reason at the time he was worried about my phone bill. Did I give a fuck about my phone bill? Hell, No. Will, I probaly ever talk to my father again and the answer is probaly not. Will we ever talk about the fluff we talked about probaly not. It isn't like we ever spoke about anything serious as he never went there. But I will miss our talk about our animals or his weird rants. He was bipolar also.

I'have to just go on today with my regular life to find any sanity. I have to get out of this house today as it is starting to choke the air out of me. I have to get the sun on my skin and the fresh air in my lungs. I have to get something decent to eat today. I need to feel something except this numbness and horrible surreal feeling.

I can't come up with a witty title

I can't believe it has been a week since I have wrote. I don't even know where to start with an update. I have been very busy in my own way. I was suppose to go bottle wine today but felt crappy (psychially). I have had some bouts of angina the past two days. Nothing serious though just need to slow down and stop over doing it and my never ending quest to handle my stress and anger. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not a type a personality. Some times I can be pretty Type A. I'm not ambitious or competive anymore. The things I can be at times are very impatient ,time-conscious, and preoccupied. My preceptions depending on mood can colour my outlook and are part of my bipolar. I can be high strung then be so easy going also. No matter what mood I'm time-conscious when it comes to appoinments and anything I have to show up for. I'm not so picky about my personal time with things like goals or work I do for myself. My time for my personal things has turned up side down since my heart attack. I feel so disorganized with my life and know it will even out in time. My life recently has been so chaotic with appoinments, errands, personal problems.

I have been going through an on going ordeal with my old dog. The vet suspects liver disease. He went in again yesterday for a bile test for his liver. Last week he went in after I collect a urine specimen in the morning and then took him for blood work. He has been to the vet twice after fasting for 12-14 hours for blood work. We haven't been billed yet but I suspect it is going to be high. After, this last blood test I decided to do no more testing and he can live till he gets to the point he has no quality of life. I'm willing to change his diet if need be and put him on medication. I will know later this week when his bile concentration test come back from the lab. I just can't take another dogs death this summer.

My Grandma is in her last stages of dying. She is 94 so it isn't a big shock and has been declining rapidly for some time. I still love the woman though and it isn't nice to waste away dying and the whole nasty process she is going through. I really feel for my mother and my Grandma is dying at her house. My mother has been her caretaker for many years. I finally ask for some pictures of her as she is right now. Part of me didn't want to see as she was a robust woman 3 years ago when I last saw her. I needed to see as it helps me help my mother through the grief process to see exactly what she is going through. Death is so santized when it is out of sight out of mind for a family. It also is one thing to study death and dying and write papers on it ( I used to) and live the process. One side of my family is almost died. I have lost 6 relatives in a relative short time. I think what hurt me the most was when our two dogs died very close to each other last year. It was literally the straw that broke the camels back with all the death that has been going on in my life. It finally allowed me to grief the other deaths in my life. Which has been for the past year. I'm much better about the grief and have went through the proper stages after even been stuck. I know for me at times I still grieve even though it isn't as fresh. Time has helped over the last several years meaning it isn't as raw. I'm not a big person on showing other people my feelings and I hate crying. Many people don't see that side of me and won't. It really is only for me and sometimes J. That is just how I'm and it isn't going to change. I have been very strong for my mother during many of these deaths and my grandma dying but as soon as I have been either out of sight or off the phone , I fall apart. It isn't a time for me getting overly stressed or emotional as it doesn't help with my angina.

I have been gradually getting back to some of my spirituality. It has been slow but it is a way I have handled stress and emotional times. I tend to lean towards buddhism philosophy even though I have been terrible with the off and on again practice. I have been meditating again and even using my mala. For those who don't know what a mala is basically it is prayer beads or meditation beads. I think off hand my mala has 108 beads. It helps me concentrate or sometimes pray in my own way. Not like western religion though. One thing my mala does for me is gives me a sense of safety and peace. It really helps me with my anxiety. It has such a nice vibe when I hold it and very comforting. I have also recently been using visual imagery in my head to help me relax and be. It is nice to escape in postive mental imagery and a person can do it regardless if they have any faith in anything or not. I basically respect anyones religion if they are not beligerent and radical about it. I tend not to be very judgemental when people are not violating my rights. I don't like many things in life but that is what true tolerance is about. What I can't stand is other people violating other peoples rights. No matter whether I would do it or not. Enough rambling.

Oh, dental update if you read this far. I'm so glad I left that other denist. I start my dental saga tomorrow with the one I went to a couple of years ago. It is going to cost so much less plus I trust him. All, the work is going to cost 1,800 and that includeds the partial, extractions, and to restore my bottoms. My bottom teeth are pretty perfect except a broken tooth and a cavity in another. I will still have a few teeth in my upper mouth to be able to hold the upper plate. I'm happy with the price and trust his judgement with what he is taking out and leaving. I don't feel like a endless money pit either. My visit with him last week cost me 25 dollars for a dental plan. I couldn't of been happier.

I will wrap up this saga.

Sunny Day

It is such a nice day today. It has rained pretty hard off and on for about a week. It is nice and warm today. First day really of any warmth here. About 70F or 18C for an estimate. The daffodils are finally coming up and looking so pretty. Something, about bright colours that make me happy. The tulips are inching up pretty steady and hopefully in a week or two they will be in bloom. I planted many bulbs last year and forgot what I planted so I'm thrilled to see what colours I planned or I will be very surpised. It will be something to see as I generally am in a higher mood when I buy so many bulbs. It will probaly be very colourful if not a tacky arraigment of colours. Who knows. That is why I said I will be surpised:)
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

It Hit Me

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.

I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.

Sad days

I haven't been writing lately. That is because it has felt like life has kicked me in the teeth again. I have had so much going on and much tragic news. I don't much talk about my family on here. The news I have received lately is my uncle has liver cancer and is terminal . My grandmother that lives with my mother is going on hospice in the real near future. She is 94 so that isn't a big surprise. She also has severe senile dementia. I have mourned the departure of my grandma when she lost her mind about 7 or 8 years ago. The hardest one I have to stomach right now is the possibility that my daughter might have leukemia. She has had several blood test that all come back screwy. The values indictate something is wrong and she will be going to a hematologist for farther investigation. I will hear something hopefully by Friday. It has been the longest 2 and a half weeks with this. I just want some answers and they aren't coming fast enough for me. I'm scared and haven't dealt very well with all this news. I should say I'm dealing with it the best I can. Some days , I don't even get out of my pj's and just watch the crappy t.v. Some days, I try real hard . I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and just want to get off.

I'm planning a trip up north and will be gone for about 5-6 days. Up north is very spiritual for me and I need to connect to something. This trip is to restore some of my sanity as well as just to escape. I need some recharging. I know my problems will be right where I left them. Maybe, with some renewed spirit I will feel more like coping instead of finding my faith in a beer bottle. I have been getting drunk lately and it isn't acceptable to me. I need the beauty of nature and up north is where I find the divine wave , the colour of fall, the majestic waterfalls, trees that whisper in the wind and the pebble sanded beaches. I can find these things and relax without modern technology or most anything modern. It is very rural and cell phone coverage is spotty. Part of me is going to moan and grown for a day without my wifi or my daily calls to my mother. I might still make my daily calls but it will be on a land-line in a motel of mystery. I still have what we used to have before computers and blogs. It is my trusty journal and notepaper . I really plan on doing some journal and getting in touch with me. Hopefully, I might find one motel that might have wifi. I doubt it though because most of it is so rural. If I do I will update my blog. But probably will when I get back.

The Other Shoe Has Fell Off

I thought I would do an update since I have been gone for awhile. A lot has happened since, I last posted. I did manage to clean up some of the pig pen aka house for my relatives to visit. I did it in whirlwind speed. It reminded me not to procrastinate as it just causes a ton of anxiety. I then had a hectic but fun week with my family. To be honest , I'm not used to being that busy. I think I scheduled everything to do in the region, we live in a week, which is to much but they liked it. At the same time we had company the dog got sick. We thought she had some type of UTI. We took her to the vet last Tuesday. She was dxed with acute leukemia. X-rays revealed she had a enlarged spleen and most of her organs where damaged. She was seven. Even taking her to the vet being sick she was the vibrant dog she always was. Licking the vets feet and pulling to say hello to other dogs and people. It was a shock when we had to put her down. She just showed signs of her illness during the last week of her life. She had sudden onset. I was curious about that since she had a physical the month before and was fine. So, basically we lost 2 dogs in the period of 3 months. I was just getting over my mixed mood and depression when this happened and life looked up. Things where going well. I actually started to live again. My trudging was starting to be in the past. I'm back to trudging again but differently this time. The grief is to much this time and I try to ignore it as the thought these weren't only just mere dogs; they where my immediate family that I have spent years with and a lot of good and bad times with. I will get over it and have managed to stay busy. I just can't go back to that dark place where I was for the past three months with the death of Spud. Our young dog Flora was so full of life it is kind of a tribute to that dog to keep trudging along and living. I allowed myself a good three days to just totally fall apart and go on a binge drunk. It didn't solve a thing and made me feel worse.
J is Bipolar also. She has took this worse than ever expected. Her mood has been starting to change for the worse. She has been experiencing psychosis and has had to increase her anti-psychotic. I'm trying to be the rock in the storm now as both of us really can't go insane. I have increased the structure in the house and have started running it really tightly. I have started running again to relieve the stress of all of this and handle it in a more approtaite way than a scotch bottle. The remaining dog loves to run also and it burns off the anxiety . Brett the Brittany has been showing his ass since the girls have died and I have had to show him who is top dog and it isn't him. He is coming along and dogs like to have discipline as it shows them they are safe. Life goes on as I tell myself and in time it will be better .