I really don't have much of anything interesting to say. I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging more so I will try to say something. It will probably be ramblings of sort...
I'm drinking coffee this more relaxing. It is nice to have coffee and read blogs. Morning time is ME time. My mind is jumbled and hazy in the mornings though. Before, blogging, I used to do housework as it was more up my alley about being brainless. Blogging and reading blogs helps jump start my mind in the morning and relaxes me in the evenings also.
I'm trying to think and I thought a lot about this yesterday and today.One thing that happened yesterday was I received a box from my mother yesterday. It contained a small urn of my father. It was very nice and really tasteful. It just looks like a small ornate metal vase. I don't think anyone would guess what it was if they where looking around the house. I can imagine if I every had people over would be they would point out or pick it up thinking oh neat vase and say where did you get that. I can picture myself saying well that is part of my father and laugh as they would have a puzzled confused sorry look. Sorry, black humour.
The box also contained some of his t-shirts,and movies etc. It also contained my gra nd mothers antique weird clock and a doll of my grandmothers I used to play with as a child. I also found a lighter that my mother sent. She said it was my fathers and when I looked at it , I was shocked to find out it was really my lighter. He stole it from me. It made my tears go away as I was angry that he would steal an expensive lighter that was a gift from J. It was a scrimshaw zippo. Scrimshaw is something whalers and sailors used to do. They would carve pictures of voyages and different things onto whale bones. My lighter had a clipper ship on it.
Seeing the lighter brought up some old issues I had with my father. It made me feel guilty for feeling anger at my father. It was just like him to be a lighter thief also. It seemed though a zippo is more deliberate than a bic though. It also brought up feelings of how I felt about how contradictory and just his whole personality. My father was one of those dysfunctional people that you couldn't help but forgive as he was always truly sorry for what ever he did. Even, if he still kept his bad behaviour up. He did the best he could with a mental illness also. I knew some of the things that where less than desirable , dysfunctional and acting out was because he was Bipolar. He really did the best he could. Over all though he was a good decent man. I felt loved by my father so it was easy to forgive his myriad of faults. I still get a laugh out of some of the crazy bullshit that came out of his mouth. He really was a storyteller and would entertain many people everyday with some story or tidbit. The sad thing is he never realized how many people loved him and liked him. He never felt like he had friends when he was actually popular and had many friends.It is actually surprising to me since he was such Mr.gloom and doom with his family. I was speaking to my mother yesterday telling her I really want to not be a negative person and be gloom and doom. I'm generally not but have my periods of gloom and doom. Also, can have black and white thinking when I'm in a bad mood. I don't see my options and choices. My fathers gloom and doom attitude really is what killed him. I don't want that for myself. It is so easy to fall into that trap and just give up in life and not take care of ones self physically or emotionally. Especially, if it is chronic. I have felt like that in the past of just fuck it. Nothing is going to get better and not take care of myself with chronic pain ,chronic mental illness and chronic health problems. I have allowed it to get the better of me at times and just fall into the black hole. The thing that is different with me and my father is I might get into that space of just succumbing to what ever but I always end up getting back on the horse, trudging and simply just trying and not throwing in the towel of taking care of myself and being in tuned to my body and mind. I think I'm more like my mother in that aspect.
My father's death really was a tradgey . I will go into it at a later time but it felt to me like he committed suicide. Which gives me some feelings of anger. His death could of been prevented. It is a wake up for me. I can understand what happened and just feel sad. It also makes me very much want to take care of myself and be a more positive person. It also makes me want to really live and just not trudge through life. Not worry as much and be in the minute. Have fun and have no regrets. I also want to make more enjoyable memories for my family. I don't want my family to have a lot of what if she did so and so would she be alive. My grief is taking a turn around and making me into a better person over the long run . At least I hope it does. The heavy pain is still there as it will take time but I'm dealing with it and I'm not so much in the depths of despair and living life and enjoying it.